SW rants

Oh my God.
I cannot believe I did this.
Do yall ever have this thing where you get around your mother and you just revert to a nine year old and say "yes" when inside you are screaming "no".

I had a hard week at work.
Hard.

I wanted to get geared up to think/have/do sex this weekend.

So right after work, I went to the salon and got all dolled up. It was so good for my self esteem. The whole scalp massage, getting beautified thing was just wonderful. I put on a pretty dress, touched up my makeup and generally looked like a million bucks. I felt so gorgeous when I got home that I blogged about it. I have a half finished blog post saved in my drafts.

Why did I not finish the post and post it?

Well, I'm so glad you asked.

I cut my post short which I truly ache whenever I have to do it, because for me, when I have this beautiful moment and I write about it, I get to keep it forever. Oh and ya'll get to read it too.

So I cut my writing short. Stop mid sentence because. A week ago, I arranged for Beloved Child to go to Grandma's. I arranged for Grandma to pick up Beloved Child Friday night at 8 so Delighted Husband and I could have the evening alone together. Grandma is late. I call grandma and find that she is running late. Delighted Husband is starving. We were supposed to eat as a family before Grandma arrived but I am late from the salon since they gave me the royal treatment and I felt like a million bucks, but it was too late for dinner before Grandma.

So I call Grandma and wangle a way for us to hand off Beloved Child in time to have dinner as a couple. We agree to start driving toward Grandma and meet at a restaurant. I kiss Beloved Child and put his backpack in Grandma's car. Then Delighted Husband and I walk toward our favorite burger joint and Grandma says, "How about Beloved Child eat with y'all now and I just stay and keep you company?"

And what do I say?

Like an idiot, I say "yes".

OH WHY OH WHY DO I DO THIS SOMETIMES?

It's like Pavlov's dogs! I go into Obey Mother Mode.
With genuine friendly loving interest, Mom asks about my job.
I answer her questions.
Which means I spend the entire evening tallking about the job that I went to the salon to leave behind.
I feel increasing anxiety but I cannot pin it down.
Delighted Husband is now a bystander in my conversation with my mom.

THIS IS A REAL PROBLEM.

Eating dinner out is foreplay.
Pure and simple.

It works like this.

I get dolled up. It makes me feel good inside. I start to "own it". I start to connect with myself as a woman for who I am not as an employee who is valued only for what she can do. I start to feel gorgeous and womanly and beautiful.
Thus begins an entire tennis match of nonverbal flirting, all throughout the meal.
I think to myself, "I am so hot and you are so hot and I cannot wait until your hotness and my hotness collide."
and I make bedroom eyes at him.
and he makes bedroom eyes at me.
Waiters sense what is going on and begin to flirt with me in front of him.
All very innocent and appropriate. No hotel keys are passed on the table. But I get extra free drinks or special desserts or whatever because the waiter can feel the heat between Delighted Husband and I and they stand next to the fire and warm themselves.
All this happens nonverbally while Beloved Child talks about Astros or Nintendo or whatever.
Two conversations happening at once.
God, Delighted Husband is talented!
To Beloved Child he says, "Why yes, Lance Berkman did blah blah blah at the blah blah ballpark new record something something."
To me with his eyes only, he says, "I am going to tear your clothes off of you when we get home but first let me just enjoy looking at them."
Much eye contact and surreptitious lip licking takes place at our table.
It's hot.

and THAT is what was supposed to happen tonight.

But nooooooooo..... I went into obedient little girl mode. and ruined it all.

My Mom did nothing wrong. She didn't disrespect my boundaries.
I just didn't have any.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm so angry at myself!

And when I'm angry at myself in close proximity to Delighted Husband, it sounds like I'm angry at him. But I'm not. I'm angry AT myself NEAR him. But who wants to fuck an angry woman?

Sigh.

Y'all wanna hear the lovely beauty salon post anyway?