As some of you may imagine, one of the most frequent search engine terms that bring readers to my blog is the "sensuous"+"posted in blog". I clicked on this search this morning, and found a daisy chain of beautiful thoughts which I will share with you today.
The first link that caught my eye was "God's Sensuous Prescence". Y'all know, I am all about God and all about sensuous, so of course I was curious. This beautiful article is what I found:
"Men had turned from the contemplation of God above, and were looking Him in the opposite direction, down among created things and things of sense. The Saviour of us all, the Word of God, in His great love took to Himself a body and moved as Man among men, meeting their senses, so to speak, half way. He became Himself an object for the senses, so that those who were seeking God in sensible things might apprehend the Father through the works which He, the Word of God, did in the body."
At first glance this sounded at once beautiful and potentially sacreligious. Because when my woman-who-was-sexually-abused brain hears the words "an object for the senses", I recoil. But there was that beautiful phrase "in His great love took to Himself a body" and I believe that lock, stock and barrell, so I deliberately let go of my CSA thoughts and took another closer look. And what I saw astounded me with it's beauty.
I visualized my beloved Jesus extending his hand to Thomas, such a human loving inclusive gesture all by itself, and then he speaks "don't believe it's really me? Touch me. it's me, Thomas. Touch me, and remember all the many other times you touched my hand and were comforted. It's me. really. Touch me, and believe."
Of course, by then, poignant tears had gathered in my eyes and I was on board with the phrase "He became Himself an object for the senses." Oh yes he did. And there's my favorite name for Jesus too, Himself. A gift with purchase. Confirmation.
I wanted to hear more, so I clicked on the link provided by the blog author Eric Daryl Meyer (shown here with he and his wife. look at them! aren't they precious?)
This took me to Faith and Theology, a guest post by Oliver Davies. And what a treasure trove I found there!
Get a load of this!
"We constantly treat Christianity as though it were a philosophy or a work of literature (I am not against philosophy or literature) rather than a disclosure to practical intellect which calls us into the radical freedom of action in and for Christ in the world (i.e. the ascended, wounded and glorified Christ). Faith is faith in Christ who acts rather than thinks."
Seriously, y'all. I don't wanna just be smarter. I wanna be CHANGED.
Wait, there's more.
Instead of allowing ourselves to be opened up to the revelation of Christ in the world, communicated through command at work through the senses and the particularity of space and time events ("the command of grace", in Janz's phrase), we focus on the mind as the place of insight, generativity and meaning.
I'll tell you what this means to me. All my life, up until the point of my spiritual and sexual awakening, I thought it was true "Spirit good, mind good, body bad." I really did. As hard to believe as these words sound now, coming from from a woman who experiences God in every orgasm and feels the sweet nearness of the Spirit in every cool breeze on my sweaty face when I run, I used to really believe that. The condition of my heart, the condition of my marriage, the quality of how despised or cherished my sexuality was to me is a living lab test of what those ideas look like in behavior. When I believed my body was bad and my mind was good, I shrank from every touch from my husband and generally rolled my eyes at the depravity of man every time he got an erection. I'm not proud to admit it, but that was my reality. Oh but I was a good Christian girl who "selflessly ministered to her husband" by laying there and taking it. What a martyr! Not even good enough to be called a real martyr either, like Jim Elliot or the first disciple to be stoned to death, because I was laying down and dying for a cause that was contrary to scripture and so FAR from the life of joy God had called me to! What a senseless wasteful non-God-honoring martyr.
But you know my Jesus, he loves us just as we are and loves us too much to leave us that way. Read on.
"And here the third problem arises which follows from the first two: we have lost an understanding of the way we can and should access and be attentive to the presence of Christ in this way. We constantly bypass with mind the very place in which he is present for us in the here and now, which is to do with the senses and with command, since this is a place where the mind does not necessarily want to go."
Yes! Yes! Yes! I used to do that all the time, and folks, I'll tell you why. Because of my own sin and the sin of others, my senses were associated for me with sensations of pain, emotions of pain, shame, doubt, fear, self-loathing and just an overall sense of "ugh get me outta here". Maybe some of you can relate.
But here's the good part. Jesus still lives. And His Lordship in the nitty gritty details of our lives is the way we are to live not just as prescription (take 2 pills and call me in the morning) but as invitation. Invitation to the path to healing we are walk (come walk with me this way my darling and let me heal you, my love). That's my paraphrase and I paraphrase it that way because I have lived it that way. This is the path I've been walking for 16 years.
Oliver Davies puts it this way:
"Getting it" entails seeing that incarnational revelation still comes to us through the senses ("Jesus still lives, and his Lordship in the particularity of our lives is the mode for us of that life"), and that the senses cannot be absorbed without remainder into mind. Thus ascension allows that our faith in Christ can be far closer to that of the apostles than we might ordinarily admit, not on our own account, but on account of the nature of the transformation effected in Christ. Doctrinally (theologically) and anthropologically (philosophically) we have lost the tools and practices which help us to "recognise" him in his transformed state in the everyday reality of our lives where he comes to meet us.
As so often happens in my reading since the internet, I connected the dots between three unrelated poets and writers that from my point of view seem tailor made for each other. On one hand we have these brilliant intellectuals—theology professor no less!— saying in essence, "Excuse me, everybody. Something precious has been lost. And I'm going to do my darndest to show you what and how and show you why and more importantly, show you how to get it back."
For as I read the scholarly article, I remembered the last time—the only time—I've heard a scholar talk about these ideas. It was when I heard Christopher West speak about Theology of the Body at a Created and Redeemed Seminar. I remember Christopher's main point being "Jesus had a real body and our bodies are important because God Almighty thought to inhabit one so we should believe our body is important too and inhabit it well and with truth and honor." That is my paraphrase after attending the 7 hour seminar. (By the way, I do not believe that using birth control violates this cherished concept, since I believe any lovemaking between a husband and wife has the fruit of pleasure and oneness if not the fruit of children) So first as I'm reading, I'm reminded of Theology of the Body.
And then, I'm reminded of the song I sang in church last week. The song that so grounded me and comforted me by reminding me that every area of my life matters to God and is inhabited by God. The song that gave me opportunity to respond to this newfound hope and comfort by pouring our my adoration upon Jesus, or as we say in the South, "singin' my little heart out". Listen to this!
God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
there in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
God in my hoping
there in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
there in my breathing
God in my hurting
God in my healing
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me
the hope of glory
you are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me
the hope of glory
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
God in my hoping
there in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
there in my breathing
God in my hurting
God in my healing
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
you are everything
So yes, beloved friends, our bodies matter. They matter to Jesus too, as he—by living in us—inhabits our bodies every single day. And everything we do in these bodies matters very VERY much! If it's sin that we're doing with our bodies—slapping our children, abandoning our husbands in the marriage bed, or using drugs or food or the absence of food to numb our aching hearts— we need grace and healing to get to the root of that sin and let Jesus heal us. And if it's not sin that we're doing with our bodies—laying our cool hand on our child's fevered brow, welcoming our husbands and drawing them into our body with passion and tenderness, or caring for and cherishing our bodies in beautiful small ways like eating with gratitude in an attitude of self-care—then we are in the acts of doing these very things, bringing the hands and love of Christ into our world, which is a humbling, immensely gorgeous thing to think about.
Isn't it?
Love,
SW
Epilogue:
Parenting
Once in the course of my life as a mother I lost my temper and slapped one of my children. It was listed as a sin in the article and also listed as a sin I am living in active repentance of. I don't refuse my husband anymore or do emotional eating anymore either. I don't believe there's a mother alive that hasn't lost her temper and slapped her child once or been sorely tempted to do so. But my experience of losing my temper like that disturbed me enough that I took myself to a licensed marriage and family therapist and learned some better parenting strategies. I also took my child to a child therapist and got some treatment for them and we're all doing much better on that regard. The licensed marriage and family therapist who treated me counseled me that my unresolved guilt over slapping my child that one time was far harmful to my effectiveness as a parent than the slap itself because that guilt gave me a propensity to cave into their demands and not keep firm loving boundaries. I hope any parent who reads my story will not hesitate to seek wise counsel for their parenting challenges.
Singles
I want to cherish my single readers by saying that there are many beautiful ways use use our bodies to bring the hands and love of Christ into our world, many many more than the 3 ways I listed. The reason that drove what I listed as ways to bring love is that I began with listing 3 ways I personally used my body to sin and 3 ways I used my body to repent and to love. You're not excluded, beloved darlings, or exempt from embodying the love of Christ just because you are not a wife or mommy. Never meant to imply that, beloved. Not in a hundred years did I mean to imply that. (squeeze your hand and look you in the eye for good measure) Love, SW
Showing posts with label goodness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goodness. Show all posts
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Sexual Redemption Stories
Our life unfolds as a story. Each life story contains darkness and light, pain and healing, suffering and redemption in glory in our own custom-blended mix. Stories really speak to me. Most any story that shows a glimpse of healing or redemption will capture my interest. Since I've been very open about my journey from fractured abuse to whole hotness, you might imagine that stories that portray sexual redemption and healing will find a special place in my heart. Yep, you're right. They do.
I've put a new list on the sidebar called Sexual Redemption Stories. These books tell the story of one human's journey from painful abuse in their past to uninhibited joy with their spouse. Sometimes this uninhibited joy is (cough) rather uninhibited. Erotic even. I feel free to celebrate this married lack of inhibition for the healing that it is, but I realize some people feel uncomfortable with stories of an erotic nature, even if the eroticism is shown in married context. I want y'all to feel inspired not uncomfortable, so I've put an *next to those story titles. I trust you will let your discerning hearts lead you as you read.
I'll say a little about each book I post, by way of introduction, when I add them to the sidebar list.
And I want to hear from you!
Have you read a story that shows a journey away from pain toward uninhibited joy in the marriage bed?
I want to read 'em! And if they speak to me, I'll put 'em on the sidebar.
Any recommendations?
Oh, I guess I should add that I'm looking for stories that have an overall tone of love and redemption where the characters treat each other with love and respect and passion. Sometimes the character's painful past can be a bumpy ride, and I'm okay with that as long as the healing part of the journey is loving, healthy, passionate, respectful and relational destination.
M'kay?
I'm so looking forward to hearing what y'all recommend!
I've put a new list on the sidebar called Sexual Redemption Stories. These books tell the story of one human's journey from painful abuse in their past to uninhibited joy with their spouse. Sometimes this uninhibited joy is (cough) rather uninhibited. Erotic even. I feel free to celebrate this married lack of inhibition for the healing that it is, but I realize some people feel uncomfortable with stories of an erotic nature, even if the eroticism is shown in married context. I want y'all to feel inspired not uncomfortable, so I've put an *next to those story titles. I trust you will let your discerning hearts lead you as you read.
I'll say a little about each book I post, by way of introduction, when I add them to the sidebar list.
And I want to hear from you!
Have you read a story that shows a journey away from pain toward uninhibited joy in the marriage bed?
I want to read 'em! And if they speak to me, I'll put 'em on the sidebar.
Any recommendations?
Oh, I guess I should add that I'm looking for stories that have an overall tone of love and redemption where the characters treat each other with love and respect and passion. Sometimes the character's painful past can be a bumpy ride, and I'm okay with that as long as the healing part of the journey is loving, healthy, passionate, respectful and relational destination.
M'kay?
I'm so looking forward to hearing what y'all recommend!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Treat Yourself, Queens of the Kingdom!
I took the day off today and treated myself.
I was Queen for a Day. (and every other day) but I've always wanted to say that
I took the kids to school and took the time to meet with DC1's counselor and principal to make sure DC1 is getting everything they need to succeed. This is not a parenting blog so I won't go into long details. Just to say that I went to bat for my kid and I did it with a calm won't-back-down stance. I was friendly, and smiled, and thanked the educators on the team yet I held onto myself and spoke my truth with confidence. I know what DC1 needs and I am determined they will get it. There was a big tangled up ball of yarn issue that I've been working on this week, and while the principal was walking me out, they thanked me for doing such a great job being a champion and advocate for my child. This from the person who had been stonewalling me earlier. I was gracious and kind, and I felt my crown sparkle as I walked through the parking lot out to my car. Yes! I am Queen! I may have been the only one who could see my crown, but I knew it was there. (Suzanne Sugarbaker smile)
As I drove home, I was a bit uneasy hoping my new cleaning lady would show. I had not called her yesterday to confirm (remind) her and I checked my phone for her number, realized I didn't have it, and made a mental note to look up her number on my desk as soon as I got home. I never needed to. I arrived home at 8:59 to find her waiting for me. Smiling on the back porch. A responsible adult who shows up promptly for their appointment made 3 weeks ago. THANKS BE TO GOD! I could have hugged her! and I would have but my arms were full of cleaning supplies I was bringing in from the garage.
Now my domicile has been more than a little bit topsy turvy lately. I've had lots of men wearing workboots and toolbelts with names like Bubba and Earl all OVER my house during the last month and they were all done for the foreseeable future and I was time me and my much appreciated new cleaning lady to put all to rights in my little kingdom. I want to point something out. Something very special and loving. I did it for me. I knew the kids and Delighted Husband would enjoy the lovely sparkling clean space all light and airy and organized. But I did it primarily for me. I did it for the joy of it because that is what Queens do: they put their kingdoms to rights. Set things in beauty and welcoming order. Now Queenly confidence aside, there is no frickin way I would attempt to restore order to THIS domicile all by myself. No ma'am. But with a friend, with a capable kind strong smart lady to help me? Piece a cake! Well, yeah a piece of cake but a cake you have to bake. From scratch. But you get to eat it.
My favorite Fedex delivery driver delivered a package today. I answered smiling, out of breath and sweating. a lot. "Girl what're you doin?" he said with a grin. "Oh hey. I've got a new cleaning lady." "Then why are you sweatin?" I looked ruefully over my shoulder. "There's a lot to do."
We cleaned.
and cleaned.
and cleaned.
I say we not in the royal sense. I mean we both me and the dear cleaning lady put my house in order one room at a time. She did the scrubbing and the heavy stuff. I put stuff away where I know it belongs and washed, dried and folded laundry like nobody's business.
And I enjoyed it.
Swear to God.
Now I know this could really sound Stepfordish. But trust me anyone who knows me would crack up laughing at the notion of ME as a Stepford wife. What I'm trying to say is that today, for the first time in my life, I enjoyed housework. Something shifted inside my head this morning and I thought, "Hey, I have to live here. I deserve somewhere beautiful and decent and lovely to live in so I think I'll just make this place decent and beautiful and lovely enough for the likes of me!"
So I did.
I've been reading this great book How Starbucks Saved My Life. About an unemployed Ad Executive who gets a job in a Starbucks store and experiences the unexpected joy of hard work and taking pride in a job well done. I guess it's rubbed off on me.
After I treated myself to a beautiful sparkling light airy orderly home, after paying DCL and hugging her and scheduling her return date, I treated myself to a bath in my sparkling clean jacuzzi tub. Blissed out on pleasure and smelling sweetly of lily of the valley, I put myself down for a nap.
I woke up to the sounds of the kids coming home from school.
This is one of the best days off I've ever had. I treated myself. I worked so hard I got in my target heart rate.
Will I enjoy seeing how encouraged and comforted Delighted Husband is when he drags his weary self home and sees our gorgeous little kingdom?
Sure.
But I did it for me.
I treated myself.
(ting!) That's the sound of my crown sparkling. (grin) SW
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Garden of Delight
Today I'm enjoying the sense of sight and smell and touch and hearing and the deep inner knowing of sensuous self-awareness. And I'm getting very dirty in the process!
(laugh)
What am I doing?
I'm reflowering my garden. Four flats of petunias are making themselves at home in beds and boxes and pots all over my garden.
I LOVE flowers. Y'all know this. Many of you may remember the last time I experienced the Sacred Romance, God gave me flowers. Well He's done it again, and this time I don't just get to look at them, I get to play with them. I say play because truly it feels like the delighted absorption of child's play instead of the hurried labor of landscaping by the clock.
The petunias, big rich purple blossoms heavy with scent, are so vibrant and extravagant with blooms 4 inches across they run the risk of being gaudy, but instead they come across as unashamedly profligate—self-satisfied in their fragrant velvety elegance.
The cool but not too cool breeze wafting over my skin feels soothing and refreshing. As though the very air is saying "wake up" and "welcome back" to skin exposed by my swimsuit...skin that hasn't seen outdoor light all the long winter. Skin that was apparently quite appreciated...according to the the admiring glance of the teenaged boys in the neighborhood. Their admiring looks hidden in friendly greetings both embarrassed and flattered me. At my age! (giggle)
All the kids in the neighborhood must be away at soccer games or indoors playing gamecube, because they're not outdoors playing their happy screaming games of chase. It's so quiet outdoors I can hear the birds singing. No noise. Not even a lawnmower! It's just my day. A present from Himself.
I've long thought that all creation quietly sings with Eros and today only confirms my suspicion.
There's something so earthy and wonderful about laying down on your belly, propped up by your elbows, at eye level with soil and earthworms and leaves and mulch and sweet delicate blossoms attached to living green stems attached to roots so overgrown and eager for new soil that they look like tufts of white hair. These little plants are so ALIVE just teeming with life and fertility and color! I love the voracious nature of roots growing beyond the plastic pot searching reaching demanding MORE MORE MORE!
So yeah I like my gardening. ;)
And I also savor this feminine self-awareness deep inside, knowing that even though my knees and elbows are caked with dirt, my aquasocks are caked with mud and my gloves are so dirty the sunny yellow is barely visible, I feel a secret satisfied joy in knowing that underneath all that dirt is a woman all beautifully manicured and pedicured and lovely. There is beauty above the dirt (my lovely petunias) and there is beauty underneath the dirt (my lovely me).
Fertility and beauty and color and joy!
God, I love being a woman.
(laugh)
What am I doing?
I'm reflowering my garden. Four flats of petunias are making themselves at home in beds and boxes and pots all over my garden.
I LOVE flowers. Y'all know this. Many of you may remember the last time I experienced the Sacred Romance, God gave me flowers. Well He's done it again, and this time I don't just get to look at them, I get to play with them. I say play because truly it feels like the delighted absorption of child's play instead of the hurried labor of landscaping by the clock.
The petunias, big rich purple blossoms heavy with scent, are so vibrant and extravagant with blooms 4 inches across they run the risk of being gaudy, but instead they come across as unashamedly profligate—self-satisfied in their fragrant velvety elegance.
The cool but not too cool breeze wafting over my skin feels soothing and refreshing. As though the very air is saying "wake up" and "welcome back" to skin exposed by my swimsuit...skin that hasn't seen outdoor light all the long winter. Skin that was apparently quite appreciated...according to the the admiring glance of the teenaged boys in the neighborhood. Their admiring looks hidden in friendly greetings both embarrassed and flattered me. At my age! (giggle)
All the kids in the neighborhood must be away at soccer games or indoors playing gamecube, because they're not outdoors playing their happy screaming games of chase. It's so quiet outdoors I can hear the birds singing. No noise. Not even a lawnmower! It's just my day. A present from Himself.
I've long thought that all creation quietly sings with Eros and today only confirms my suspicion.
There's something so earthy and wonderful about laying down on your belly, propped up by your elbows, at eye level with soil and earthworms and leaves and mulch and sweet delicate blossoms attached to living green stems attached to roots so overgrown and eager for new soil that they look like tufts of white hair. These little plants are so ALIVE just teeming with life and fertility and color! I love the voracious nature of roots growing beyond the plastic pot searching reaching demanding MORE MORE MORE!
So yeah I like my gardening. ;)
And I also savor this feminine self-awareness deep inside, knowing that even though my knees and elbows are caked with dirt, my aquasocks are caked with mud and my gloves are so dirty the sunny yellow is barely visible, I feel a secret satisfied joy in knowing that underneath all that dirt is a woman all beautifully manicured and pedicured and lovely. There is beauty above the dirt (my lovely petunias) and there is beauty underneath the dirt (my lovely me).
Fertility and beauty and color and joy!
God, I love being a woman.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Stay Sensuous
A dear friend of mine closed our conversation with those words.
and you know what?
He was absolutely right.
It's so easy to get caught up in the cares of this life and forget to stay sensuous and deliberately remain alive to pleasure.
One of the things that really inspires me to keep the home fires simmering is to read stories from another wife who is enthusiastically enjoying her husband. And just such a wife shared her story and I was inspired. Please allow me to introduce my new friend Gemma. She's wayyy in love with her husband, Gemma's Ravisher, and she's not ashamed to talk about it. I admire her candor and her passion for her husband and her God. Now, dearies, if frank sexy talk offends you, then perhaps Gemma's not your cup of tea. The rest of you, enjoy! I think Gemma poses an excellent question, "Why do spouses allow the busyness of life to take priority over their sex lives? Would someone please give me a good reason "why"??? What could be more important than tending to our passion for each other?"
Last night Delighted Husband and did a little something about that. Okay a big something. Okay, a shagfest. He was a little surprized at my fervor since it had only been a few days but for me a few days with nary a sexual thought or twinge of desire is an ETERNITY. But we're all back on track. I squirm just remembering. (ooooh)
God is good. Giving me the little nudge in the right direction. He knows what I need better than I do. And what I needed was several doses of Delighted Husband Love.
and you know what?
He was absolutely right.
It's so easy to get caught up in the cares of this life and forget to stay sensuous and deliberately remain alive to pleasure.
One of the things that really inspires me to keep the home fires simmering is to read stories from another wife who is enthusiastically enjoying her husband. And just such a wife shared her story and I was inspired. Please allow me to introduce my new friend Gemma. She's wayyy in love with her husband, Gemma's Ravisher, and she's not ashamed to talk about it. I admire her candor and her passion for her husband and her God. Now, dearies, if frank sexy talk offends you, then perhaps Gemma's not your cup of tea. The rest of you, enjoy! I think Gemma poses an excellent question, "Why do spouses allow the busyness of life to take priority over their sex lives? Would someone please give me a good reason "why"??? What could be more important than tending to our passion for each other?"
Last night Delighted Husband and did a little something about that. Okay a big something. Okay, a shagfest. He was a little surprized at my fervor since it had only been a few days but for me a few days with nary a sexual thought or twinge of desire is an ETERNITY. But we're all back on track. I squirm just remembering. (ooooh)
God is good. Giving me the little nudge in the right direction. He knows what I need better than I do. And what I needed was several doses of Delighted Husband Love.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
There's so much love in the world
There's so much love in the world.
Yesterday I sat cuddled into an overstuffed sofa in a living room with 4 of my favorite girlfriends. We had been meeting together for lunch on Wednesdays saving the day for each other and for ourselves, and we were taking a break for Christmas. Knowing we wouldn't see each other for a few weeks we took the time to take inventory. Each woman thought back over the last few months and took inventory of her heart and her life and paid attention to what changes had taken place since we started getting together regularly to pray for and love on each other. We were all beautifully surprized.
I certainly was.
Here is what I learned:
Life is not either/or. It's both/and.
I used to think that people were either one or the other. Either needy and falling apart at the seams or confident and having all your shit together having come thorugh life unscathed. I know it sounds ridiculous and extreme to say it so plainly. But in my heart, that is what I really believed. In order to have something to offer, I had to have it all together and travel through life unscathed. and you and I both know that is not the way I've traveled!
But I've learned a bigger truth.
I've seen firsthand women come as they are and have something beautiful to offer every time. Whether it's a beautiful need expressed in humble honesty. Or a beautiful comfort that is a joy for them to offer.
Paul, that old stinker, figured this out lonnnnng ago.
He put it this way, "We hold this treasure in earthen jars to show that the power is beyond ourselves cause it belongs to God."
What a beautiful relief!
I am a verrrry earthy vessel. (as y'all know)
and I carry within me a verrrrry gorgeous pricey treasure.
It's both/and.
Woo-Hoo!!
:) SW
Yesterday I sat cuddled into an overstuffed sofa in a living room with 4 of my favorite girlfriends. We had been meeting together for lunch on Wednesdays saving the day for each other and for ourselves, and we were taking a break for Christmas. Knowing we wouldn't see each other for a few weeks we took the time to take inventory. Each woman thought back over the last few months and took inventory of her heart and her life and paid attention to what changes had taken place since we started getting together regularly to pray for and love on each other. We were all beautifully surprized.
I certainly was.
Here is what I learned:
Life is not either/or. It's both/and.
I used to think that people were either one or the other. Either needy and falling apart at the seams or confident and having all your shit together having come thorugh life unscathed. I know it sounds ridiculous and extreme to say it so plainly. But in my heart, that is what I really believed. In order to have something to offer, I had to have it all together and travel through life unscathed. and you and I both know that is not the way I've traveled!
But I've learned a bigger truth.
I've seen firsthand women come as they are and have something beautiful to offer every time. Whether it's a beautiful need expressed in humble honesty. Or a beautiful comfort that is a joy for them to offer.
Paul, that old stinker, figured this out lonnnnng ago.
He put it this way, "We hold this treasure in earthen jars to show that the power is beyond ourselves cause it belongs to God."
What a beautiful relief!
I am a verrrry earthy vessel. (as y'all know)
and I carry within me a verrrrry gorgeous pricey treasure.
It's both/and.
Woo-Hoo!!
:) SW
Friday, November 9, 2007
From Survivor to Thriver: : Experiencing Heart-Stopping, Joy-Filled Sex that Makes You Want to Shout Hallelujah
Lately my prayer time has been mostly thanking God for the amazing joy and completeness I’ve been experiencing in my marriage bed. I have been thanking God not only for this fantastic outcome he’s given me, but also remembering and praising him for all the restoration he’s done in my heart and body that has brought me to this point. While many women struggle with their sexuality, being sexually abused as a child and adolescent made my struggle especially hard. I read many articles that discussed sexual abuse. They began with denial, described the counseling process, and ended with the survivor forgiving the perpetrator. But I always wondered what happens next? When does the survivor become a thriver? What does Biblically restored sexuality look like? Is true wholeness really possible? Can you really be both healed and hot?
I am not a professional counselor. That is neither my calling nor my professional training. Like the woman at the well, I have been loved by Jesus and transformed by the way he saw me. I echo the cry of the blind man Jesus healed who said, “All I can tell you is that once I was blind but now I can see.” I once was broken and fragmented and encased in shame. Now I am alive and whole and infinitely grateful that God made me a woman. I am not perfect, but I am whole and satisfied. I have walked the path of sexual recovery for fifteen years. This is my story.
To use a construction metaphor, before God could rebuild my heart and body, he had to tear down all the toxic ruins that were there before. The earlier part of my journey was dissecting and removing the bad sex that had so harmed my girlhood and adolescence and young adulthood. The latest part of my journey is all about learning and discovering the What and How and Why of good healthy sex. I like this part so much better. It’s so much more fun to build than to tear down. And the subject matter of healthy sex is as lovely as the subject matter of abusive sex is gross and nauseating. Who wouldn’t rather work in a gourmet kitchen than a municipal sewer? BUT I know that God and I would have never gotten to this bliss without first rooting up all the toxic “ugh” in my heart and getting rid of it. I worked hard to stay in the process and allow God to detox my heart and mind and body and God—the merciful powerful one—he did it!
And now I’m in the season of building, restoring and growing and there’s no fear or regret or sorrow or skeletons in the closet. No lumps of scary stuff in the foundation. Just solid, smooth bedrock. Unshakable. Hallelujah! Proverbs 10:22 says, “The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich and he adds no sorrow with it”. Put me down as a witness, ladies. It’s the truth!
So I started to think back, and I asked myself, “What are some of the things God did in my life to bring me to this point of wholeness and joy?” So here they are, sisters.
In order to enjoy the fullness of my sexuality, God allowed me to:
1. Became convinced of God’s love for me
Come on, you didn’t think number one would be some secret sexual technique did ya? Now before you roll your eyes and think I’m over spiritualizing, just hear me out. Before I could receive, pursue and lay hold of any good gift from God, I had to know in my heart of hearts that he was FOR me and that he had made me WORTHY. When I experienced change, even positive change in such an intimate part of my life, I needed a constant, a true North, a “no matter what I know this is true”. I am convinced that God is for me and that he loves me without measure. This is my anchor.
2. Became convinced I have a beauty to offer
Sex is all about offering and discovery, giving and receiving. You can’t come to the party if you don’t have a gift to exchange! God began to show me that I have a unique beauty and strength and tenderness in my heart and body. Every woman does. Captivating describes this dynamic so well. Knowing this in my heart is what draws my husband to me. Believing that I have a beauty to offer allows me to embrace the joy of inviting my husband to share what I have to offer. “I am my Beloved’s and his desire is for me” Song of Solomon 7:10. Ask the Lord to show you what a healthy sexual experience looks like. Ask Jesus to allow you to see yourself as you truly are.
3. Became content in my unique blend of beauty and “fallen-ness”
While we are surely willing for the Lord to continue to change us and grow us up and give us victory in our struggle with the fallen human nature, we can be content where we are right now at this point in our journey. We can know, right at this moment—that we are lovely and perfectly acceptable to God RIGHT NOW. Not because of us, but because of Jesus. Romans 5:8 says “while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” Ephesians 2:13 remind us that “we who were far away have been made near by the blood of Christ”. This is not to make us complacent and unwilling to grow. This is to make us content and able to grow. There is a deep peace that only comes from embracing the fact that we are all sinners embraced and rescued by a gracious God. Receiving this grace and extending it to ourselves is key. Forgiveness is for everyone. Even me.
4. Developed a delight and admiration for my own body and how God made it.
This was not about whether my breasts are the right size. This was about looking at all the bones and joints and muscles in my body with the eye of an engineer and seeing how well I was designed. This was about looking at my eye color and skin color and hair color with the eye of an artist and seeing how I am made with such artistry and care. Once I began to learn how intricate and beautifully made my body is—including my genitals—I was astounded. I am just as beautiful as any other part of creation. Mountains are beautiful without trying. Oceans are beautiful without trying. A bird in flight is beautiful without trying. So am I. So are you.
5. Received a humbleness and humility to become willing to learn how to care for and enjoy the body God gave me.
So this is not the body I would have picked out on the showroom floor. Oh, well. It’s the only place I have to live this side of heaven. I told myself “Deal with it!’ I replaced the phrase “I don’t like this part of my body” with “what does it need?” This was the time for me to recognize and deal with any medical issues. Especially when it concerned my sexual health. Hormonal or endocrine imbalances were taking the fuel from my fire. God led me to an endocrinologist and we corrected the imbalance. Many gynecological issues like fibroids, prolapsed uterus or endometriosis can cause painful intercourse. I looked around to find an OB that would take me seriously and address my specific problem and address the specific cause. I can’t emphasize enough how important this was for me. It was really hard for me to experience physical and emotional oneness with my husband when I was wincing and squinting from pain during intercourse. Eliminating this pain changed our life! Many other health issues can affect how you experience your sexuality. Since I had a chronic health condition I had to learn to give myself the extra care I needed. I started thinking about myself as a well-tuned machine. I gave my car regular tune-ups, so I learned to give my own body scheduled maintenance. Which brings us to exercise. When I think about exercise, I no longer think “guilt” and “should” and “past failure”. Instead, I think “what muscles will I need to strengthen so I can participate in a sexual encounter long enough to reach climax?” I asked a physical therapist to recommend exercises that strengthened my back, my abs, and my pelvis. I had to think strategically. It took some nerve to consult a trainer or physical therapist to select exercises, but it was well worth it. For me, exercise is no longer about the punishing “Gimme 10” from junior high gym class. Instead exercise is preparation for great sex. Sounds more fun doesn’t it?
6. Developed a contentment and acceptance of my husband’s unique blend of strength and “fallen-ness”
I had already given myself permission to be both fallen and forgiven. Could I give my husband any less? He is mine after all. And what might this look like in practical behavior? I want to think of something that illustrates my point without tattling on my man. Okay, theoretically (not that this happened) but what if my hubby procrastinated on our family tax return and I noticed a nasty “you’re late” notice when I innocently walked out to the mailbox. I could have come unglued…and while I may or may not actually have cursed, I could have easily let fly some shaming response like “What the HELL is WRONG with YOU?!!” Instead I could choose to go out of the earshot of the children, look him in the eye and say quietly and with conviction, “Honey, you probably already know about this, but this letter says we have a serious problem. I’m scared. What is your plan and how can I help?” Even when my husband made a mistake that could potentially affect me, I learned to treat him with respect. I gave him permission to be both fallen and forgiven. Being both fallen and forgiven is just being human. This gave us the space to be human and accepted and helped me to eliminate resentment from my heart. Nothing kills arousal like resentment.
It is important to mention that if your husband’s “fallen-ness” is showing itself by sexually, physically, or verbally abusing you, you will not be loving him or honoring God by continuing to allow that to happen. Stop reading this article and make a plan to talk to a pastor or counselor face-to-face within the next 24 hours. Get some coaching and encouragement on how to invite your husband to look at these destructive behaviors and to move toward a healthy fulfilling relationship with you.
7. Recognized that my healthy sexuality is for me and my husband
Heart-stopping, joy-filled sex that makes us want to shout hallelujah happens between husbands and wives. I am talking about sex with my husband and with no one else. Does this mean that unmarried couples can’t experience some joy in lovemaking? No. of course they can. Sex is a beautiful thing and nearly everyone appreciates beauty when they see it. BUT, I’m not aiming to experience just a little bit of joy with a bitter guilty aftertaste. Remember, when the Lord blesses you, he doesn’t add any sorrow with it.
Girls, I came to the place where I began repeatedly asking God to show me the real deal, the whole enchilada, sex the way he designed it. Sex that offers maximum joy with no toxic fallout. I believe that this rare and precious flower only blooms in the greenhouse. Something this gorgeous and fragile and amazing only happens in its natural habitat—the sacred covenant of marriage.
8. Recognized that my healthy sexuality is cherished by God regardless of my marital status.
So much of my healing happened when I was single. If you are single today when you read this article, HOORAY! You are SO on the right track to make friends with your sexuality and pursue healing now. Today is the right time to start believing for all the good gifts that God has intended for you. You will be able to live a more free and healthy life as a single woman and take less toxic fallout into your marriage. Lisa Graham McMinn’s excellent book Sexuality and Holy Longing says that healthy sexuality is not only about the act of physical lovemaking but also about recognizing and cherishing your gender and celebrating how God made you now. She even goes so far as to say, "When self-pleasuring can be done so that it recognizes longing, celebrates sexual pleasure, and is neither explotative nor a substitute for relationship with others, then it can be a way to stretch toward authentic sexuality." I happen to agree with her. Another book that has a lot to say about cultivating a healthy sexuality while single is Soul Virgins. I wish this book had been written back when I was single!
9. By the grace of God, and in response to the man I married, I developed an unshakable conviction that my husband is for me and that he loves me without condition
By choosing to commit to each other while we navigated some rough circumstances, my husband and I began to build up a nest egg in our emotional bank account. There is much power in knowing without question that whatever life brings, your husband has your back and you have his—even if you happen to be temporarily pissed off at each other at the time. I’m talking about a holy alliance that says, “whatever happens Darlin’, when the shit hits the fan, you can count on me.” God gave the two of us a powerful spirit-mind-body alliance to each other. This is the love that says, “You’re my best friend, and I’m here for you, and I will always love you—whether or not I happen to like you at the moment.”
This dynamic was beautifully illustrated in Andrew Greeley’s book Golden Years. In the story, Rosemarie, a mother in her late forties tells her teenage daughter Mary Margaret how their marriage bloomed after Rosemarie’s husband Chuck planned an intervention so Rosemarie could receive treatment for alcoholism. “Father Packy says a marriage only becomes a sacrament when it survives a big crisis. Our marriage was a sacrament after that, and you, young woman, were the first fruit of our sacrament.” Glory to God!
10. Became willing for God to remove any toxic sexual messages or toxic sexual experiences from my heart
This was a 10 year season of recovery for my heart. Chuck Swindoll calls a season of emotional healing Killing Giants and Pulling Thorns. While Swindoll wasn’t talking about recovery from sexual abuse or sexual sin, the thorn metaphor fits here. My heart has been made good because of Jesus sacrifice. The thorns in my heart (sinful abusive sexual attitudes and behaviors) needed to be pulled out of my heart. Depending on how much toxic fallout is in your heart, this can take a while. Months or even years. But please believe me, after God brought me through this process, while the memory of the abuse and sin does remain in my mind, the toxicity and the paralyzing pain is really gone from my heart. Counseling, support groups, and other recovery resources were a part of this process. Some books that were special to me were Healing for Damaged Emotions by David Seamands Door of Hope by Jan Frank and Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I spent several weeks in each book in the company of women who loved me and were also seeking God for their own healing. Working with a counselor was a wonderful partnership between the counselor, me and God. The counselor helped me to identify the thorn of another’s abuse toward me, and the resulting tears in my heart. The counselor could encourage me while we invited Jesus to come into those tears one by one and heal them. This kind of “exploratory heart surgery” followed by healing prayer can be nothing short of miraculous. It changed me forever. Theophostic Prayer Ministries trains individuals to minister this kind of healing prayer.
11. I began to pray and ask God to remove fear from my heart
One of the most destructive effects of sexual abuse is how it caused me to fear my own heart and my own body instead of having a healthy fear of predators. My girlfriends have told me that in our world where rape and abuse sometimes happen, even women who haven’t been violated can become afraid of their own sexuality. Afraid if they look pretty they will be victimized. Losing this fear was absolutely crucial allowing me to enjoy my sexuality, because it doesn’t matter how much tenderness or skill my husband had if I was afraid to go there—receive it and enjoy it. When I could wear my Saturday night lingerie under my Tuesday morning dress, walk through a shopping center or office building, and notice an admiring glance or two (not a predatory leer), receive the unspoken compliment and smile to myself and whisper “Thank you Lord for making me beautiful and making me safe”—I knew I was there. Experiencing this for the first time felt like winning an Oscar and the Nobel Peace Prize at the same time.
Prayer is the key here. I had several precious girlfriends pray for me that God would remove this fear of looking attractive, fear of losing weight and fear to acknowledge that God made me a sexual being. These dear sisters prayed for months for this delicate issue. Day by day, I started to become aware that I was no longer paralyzed by this fear. God began to show me that I was at the same time “amazingly intricately beautifully made” (Psalm 139) and at the same time secure and safe from harm because I “dwell in the secret place of the Most High” (Psalm 91). This means we can be beautiful and possess a sexuality that is alive and at the same time be safe and protected by Almighty God. That, my dear sisters, is a powerful and joyful and fruitful place to be.
12. I became humble and teachable and asked God to teach me whatever I needed to learn about how to enjoy my body.
God helped me to develop a willingness to learn about lovemaking techniques balanced with a godly discernment. I can tell you from experience, if you go to an internet search engine page and type “sex education”, beware. Some of the links will be thinly veiled porn. Listen to your discerning heart as you learn.
My husband and I worked with a sex therapist and it was one of the most healing beautiful difficult fruitful things I have ever done. There were attitudes and behavior we needed to unlearn. And there were attitudes and behaviors we needed to learn. Our therapist coached us through big and small important life lessons as we learned how to be mature and playful lovers. The three books that meant the world to us during that season were A Celebration of Sex, Intimate Issues and Passionate Marriage. We learned that an intimate marriage plus mature lovers equals a fulfilling sex life. I was surprised but happy to learn that a deeply passionate relationship doesn’t just happen because you love each other. Our therapist taught us the good news that specific disciplines can be practiced over time that will help us create mature, exciting intimacy—and if we ask, God will teach us these disciplines. Over the course of a few months of regularly meeting with the sex therapist, God taught us these truths at a deep level. We are and are still learning to be unconditionally committed, confidently secure then wildly adventurous, emotionally passionate, mysteriously creative, sensuously celebrating, totally present, and erotically adored. Experiencing these disciplines and learning how to be this way with each other is the hottest, most freeing and beautiful redemptive thing I’ve ever experienced. It took everything in our heart crying out to God and being humble through the growth process. But we did it all for the glory of love. What an unfathomable bond to be classmates in the school of erotic maturity together! There is no other man I could or would go through this process with than my honey. He is my soulmate. And it was staggering to begin to see God as my coach and advocate. Once I began to see the disciplines it would take for me to experience erotic maturity, I knew I couldn’t do it alone. It was overwhelming what growth was required of me. And that led me to cry out to God and I was shocked to find Him my advocate and not my judge. God wanted me to learn these disciplines because God wanted me to experience erotic maturity joy and freedom. Dude! This shocked the hell out of me. To really believe on a soul deep level that God wanted me to experience joy and contentment and pleasure in our marriage bed. Oh yes. Yes he does.
In this relational context, learning about techniques and toys was fun and exciting. I’ve read lots and lots of books on sex and I learned to adopt a buffet mentality and take what I like and leave the rest. The same author who advocated threesomes (no thanks!) taught me a lot about the g-spot (yes please!). I learned what I needed to learn and left the rest. I am both eager and discerning and these attitudes have helped me learn a lot of really fun techniques.
Here are a few resources if you think you might benefit from working with a sex therapist. www.sexualwholeness.org is a great resource for referrals and information from the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists. I've talked about them here before. Many of the therapists there are in private practice. You may also want to check out passionatecommittment.com the website for Christian Sex Therapists Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner. Their book Restoring the Pleasure is a wonderful roadmap to overcoming roadblocks on the road to wedded bedded bliss. I found a lot of advice and encouragement on themarriagebed.com a ministry that promotes education on sex and intimacy for married Christians. Their ladies’ website thegenerouswife was a wonderful place for me to learn and pray with other ladies who were also seeking healing in their marriages. God gave me tremendous encouragement that He desires body and soul restoration for all men and women when I attended a Created and Redeemed seminar. Other resources that may be a part of this process include: a therapist certified by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, educational books, educational videos recommended by a therapist or healthcare provider, and a visit to a physician who specialized in sexual health, such as the center for female sexuality or the center for women's sexual health. Since hormone imbalances can cause sexual dysfunction, an endocrinologist may be an important member of your healing team.
While talking to your current OB/GYN is a great place to start, it is important to mention that many OB/GYNs do not specialize in sexual health per se but in reproductive health. They are not the same thing. Sexual health is about having fun. Reproductive health is about having babies. You may want to consider telling your OB/GYN that you are ready to deal with sexual dysfunction and not necessarily pursue pregnancy and delivery. Ask them if they can help you with that. Keep in mind that while babies are beautiful and darling and they’re a wonderful addition to your family, you can get pregnant and deliver a healthy child while still experiencing sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction. I know. I did it, and I’ve talked to many women who have too.
So there they are…twelve healing restorative wonderful things that God has done for me. As you can well imagine, my heart is full of thanksgiving. Here’s the best part: I’m no different than any other of God's daughters. He will do it for you too if you ask him. Remember, that the God who inspired the Song of Solomon also lovingly created every inch of your body. I believe he wants you to enjoy it. Really.
I’ll leave you with 2nd Samuel 23:5 that says.
"Is it not true my house is with God?
For He has established an everlasting covenant with me,
ordered and secured in every [detail].
Will He not bring about
my whole salvation and [my] every desire?"
Ladies, this is restoration. Ask God for it!
-SW
I am not a professional counselor. That is neither my calling nor my professional training. Like the woman at the well, I have been loved by Jesus and transformed by the way he saw me. I echo the cry of the blind man Jesus healed who said, “All I can tell you is that once I was blind but now I can see.” I once was broken and fragmented and encased in shame. Now I am alive and whole and infinitely grateful that God made me a woman. I am not perfect, but I am whole and satisfied. I have walked the path of sexual recovery for fifteen years. This is my story.
To use a construction metaphor, before God could rebuild my heart and body, he had to tear down all the toxic ruins that were there before. The earlier part of my journey was dissecting and removing the bad sex that had so harmed my girlhood and adolescence and young adulthood. The latest part of my journey is all about learning and discovering the What and How and Why of good healthy sex. I like this part so much better. It’s so much more fun to build than to tear down. And the subject matter of healthy sex is as lovely as the subject matter of abusive sex is gross and nauseating. Who wouldn’t rather work in a gourmet kitchen than a municipal sewer? BUT I know that God and I would have never gotten to this bliss without first rooting up all the toxic “ugh” in my heart and getting rid of it. I worked hard to stay in the process and allow God to detox my heart and mind and body and God—the merciful powerful one—he did it!
And now I’m in the season of building, restoring and growing and there’s no fear or regret or sorrow or skeletons in the closet. No lumps of scary stuff in the foundation. Just solid, smooth bedrock. Unshakable. Hallelujah! Proverbs 10:22 says, “The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich and he adds no sorrow with it”. Put me down as a witness, ladies. It’s the truth!
So I started to think back, and I asked myself, “What are some of the things God did in my life to bring me to this point of wholeness and joy?” So here they are, sisters.
In order to enjoy the fullness of my sexuality, God allowed me to:
1. Became convinced of God’s love for me
Come on, you didn’t think number one would be some secret sexual technique did ya? Now before you roll your eyes and think I’m over spiritualizing, just hear me out. Before I could receive, pursue and lay hold of any good gift from God, I had to know in my heart of hearts that he was FOR me and that he had made me WORTHY. When I experienced change, even positive change in such an intimate part of my life, I needed a constant, a true North, a “no matter what I know this is true”. I am convinced that God is for me and that he loves me without measure. This is my anchor.
2. Became convinced I have a beauty to offer
Sex is all about offering and discovery, giving and receiving. You can’t come to the party if you don’t have a gift to exchange! God began to show me that I have a unique beauty and strength and tenderness in my heart and body. Every woman does. Captivating describes this dynamic so well. Knowing this in my heart is what draws my husband to me. Believing that I have a beauty to offer allows me to embrace the joy of inviting my husband to share what I have to offer. “I am my Beloved’s and his desire is for me” Song of Solomon 7:10. Ask the Lord to show you what a healthy sexual experience looks like. Ask Jesus to allow you to see yourself as you truly are.
3. Became content in my unique blend of beauty and “fallen-ness”
While we are surely willing for the Lord to continue to change us and grow us up and give us victory in our struggle with the fallen human nature, we can be content where we are right now at this point in our journey. We can know, right at this moment—that we are lovely and perfectly acceptable to God RIGHT NOW. Not because of us, but because of Jesus. Romans 5:8 says “while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” Ephesians 2:13 remind us that “we who were far away have been made near by the blood of Christ”. This is not to make us complacent and unwilling to grow. This is to make us content and able to grow. There is a deep peace that only comes from embracing the fact that we are all sinners embraced and rescued by a gracious God. Receiving this grace and extending it to ourselves is key. Forgiveness is for everyone. Even me.
4. Developed a delight and admiration for my own body and how God made it.
This was not about whether my breasts are the right size. This was about looking at all the bones and joints and muscles in my body with the eye of an engineer and seeing how well I was designed. This was about looking at my eye color and skin color and hair color with the eye of an artist and seeing how I am made with such artistry and care. Once I began to learn how intricate and beautifully made my body is—including my genitals—I was astounded. I am just as beautiful as any other part of creation. Mountains are beautiful without trying. Oceans are beautiful without trying. A bird in flight is beautiful without trying. So am I. So are you.
5. Received a humbleness and humility to become willing to learn how to care for and enjoy the body God gave me.
So this is not the body I would have picked out on the showroom floor. Oh, well. It’s the only place I have to live this side of heaven. I told myself “Deal with it!’ I replaced the phrase “I don’t like this part of my body” with “what does it need?” This was the time for me to recognize and deal with any medical issues. Especially when it concerned my sexual health. Hormonal or endocrine imbalances were taking the fuel from my fire. God led me to an endocrinologist and we corrected the imbalance. Many gynecological issues like fibroids, prolapsed uterus or endometriosis can cause painful intercourse. I looked around to find an OB that would take me seriously and address my specific problem and address the specific cause. I can’t emphasize enough how important this was for me. It was really hard for me to experience physical and emotional oneness with my husband when I was wincing and squinting from pain during intercourse. Eliminating this pain changed our life! Many other health issues can affect how you experience your sexuality. Since I had a chronic health condition I had to learn to give myself the extra care I needed. I started thinking about myself as a well-tuned machine. I gave my car regular tune-ups, so I learned to give my own body scheduled maintenance. Which brings us to exercise. When I think about exercise, I no longer think “guilt” and “should” and “past failure”. Instead, I think “what muscles will I need to strengthen so I can participate in a sexual encounter long enough to reach climax?” I asked a physical therapist to recommend exercises that strengthened my back, my abs, and my pelvis. I had to think strategically. It took some nerve to consult a trainer or physical therapist to select exercises, but it was well worth it. For me, exercise is no longer about the punishing “Gimme 10” from junior high gym class. Instead exercise is preparation for great sex. Sounds more fun doesn’t it?
6. Developed a contentment and acceptance of my husband’s unique blend of strength and “fallen-ness”
I had already given myself permission to be both fallen and forgiven. Could I give my husband any less? He is mine after all. And what might this look like in practical behavior? I want to think of something that illustrates my point without tattling on my man. Okay, theoretically (not that this happened) but what if my hubby procrastinated on our family tax return and I noticed a nasty “you’re late” notice when I innocently walked out to the mailbox. I could have come unglued…and while I may or may not actually have cursed, I could have easily let fly some shaming response like “What the HELL is WRONG with YOU?!!” Instead I could choose to go out of the earshot of the children, look him in the eye and say quietly and with conviction, “Honey, you probably already know about this, but this letter says we have a serious problem. I’m scared. What is your plan and how can I help?” Even when my husband made a mistake that could potentially affect me, I learned to treat him with respect. I gave him permission to be both fallen and forgiven. Being both fallen and forgiven is just being human. This gave us the space to be human and accepted and helped me to eliminate resentment from my heart. Nothing kills arousal like resentment.
It is important to mention that if your husband’s “fallen-ness” is showing itself by sexually, physically, or verbally abusing you, you will not be loving him or honoring God by continuing to allow that to happen. Stop reading this article and make a plan to talk to a pastor or counselor face-to-face within the next 24 hours. Get some coaching and encouragement on how to invite your husband to look at these destructive behaviors and to move toward a healthy fulfilling relationship with you.
7. Recognized that my healthy sexuality is for me and my husband
Heart-stopping, joy-filled sex that makes us want to shout hallelujah happens between husbands and wives. I am talking about sex with my husband and with no one else. Does this mean that unmarried couples can’t experience some joy in lovemaking? No. of course they can. Sex is a beautiful thing and nearly everyone appreciates beauty when they see it. BUT, I’m not aiming to experience just a little bit of joy with a bitter guilty aftertaste. Remember, when the Lord blesses you, he doesn’t add any sorrow with it.
Girls, I came to the place where I began repeatedly asking God to show me the real deal, the whole enchilada, sex the way he designed it. Sex that offers maximum joy with no toxic fallout. I believe that this rare and precious flower only blooms in the greenhouse. Something this gorgeous and fragile and amazing only happens in its natural habitat—the sacred covenant of marriage.
8. Recognized that my healthy sexuality is cherished by God regardless of my marital status.
So much of my healing happened when I was single. If you are single today when you read this article, HOORAY! You are SO on the right track to make friends with your sexuality and pursue healing now. Today is the right time to start believing for all the good gifts that God has intended for you. You will be able to live a more free and healthy life as a single woman and take less toxic fallout into your marriage. Lisa Graham McMinn’s excellent book Sexuality and Holy Longing says that healthy sexuality is not only about the act of physical lovemaking but also about recognizing and cherishing your gender and celebrating how God made you now. She even goes so far as to say, "When self-pleasuring can be done so that it recognizes longing, celebrates sexual pleasure, and is neither explotative nor a substitute for relationship with others, then it can be a way to stretch toward authentic sexuality." I happen to agree with her. Another book that has a lot to say about cultivating a healthy sexuality while single is Soul Virgins. I wish this book had been written back when I was single!
9. By the grace of God, and in response to the man I married, I developed an unshakable conviction that my husband is for me and that he loves me without condition
By choosing to commit to each other while we navigated some rough circumstances, my husband and I began to build up a nest egg in our emotional bank account. There is much power in knowing without question that whatever life brings, your husband has your back and you have his—even if you happen to be temporarily pissed off at each other at the time. I’m talking about a holy alliance that says, “whatever happens Darlin’, when the shit hits the fan, you can count on me.” God gave the two of us a powerful spirit-mind-body alliance to each other. This is the love that says, “You’re my best friend, and I’m here for you, and I will always love you—whether or not I happen to like you at the moment.”
This dynamic was beautifully illustrated in Andrew Greeley’s book Golden Years. In the story, Rosemarie, a mother in her late forties tells her teenage daughter Mary Margaret how their marriage bloomed after Rosemarie’s husband Chuck planned an intervention so Rosemarie could receive treatment for alcoholism. “Father Packy says a marriage only becomes a sacrament when it survives a big crisis. Our marriage was a sacrament after that, and you, young woman, were the first fruit of our sacrament.” Glory to God!
10. Became willing for God to remove any toxic sexual messages or toxic sexual experiences from my heart
This was a 10 year season of recovery for my heart. Chuck Swindoll calls a season of emotional healing Killing Giants and Pulling Thorns. While Swindoll wasn’t talking about recovery from sexual abuse or sexual sin, the thorn metaphor fits here. My heart has been made good because of Jesus sacrifice. The thorns in my heart (sinful abusive sexual attitudes and behaviors) needed to be pulled out of my heart. Depending on how much toxic fallout is in your heart, this can take a while. Months or even years. But please believe me, after God brought me through this process, while the memory of the abuse and sin does remain in my mind, the toxicity and the paralyzing pain is really gone from my heart. Counseling, support groups, and other recovery resources were a part of this process. Some books that were special to me were Healing for Damaged Emotions by David Seamands Door of Hope by Jan Frank and Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I spent several weeks in each book in the company of women who loved me and were also seeking God for their own healing. Working with a counselor was a wonderful partnership between the counselor, me and God. The counselor helped me to identify the thorn of another’s abuse toward me, and the resulting tears in my heart. The counselor could encourage me while we invited Jesus to come into those tears one by one and heal them. This kind of “exploratory heart surgery” followed by healing prayer can be nothing short of miraculous. It changed me forever. Theophostic Prayer Ministries trains individuals to minister this kind of healing prayer.
11. I began to pray and ask God to remove fear from my heart
One of the most destructive effects of sexual abuse is how it caused me to fear my own heart and my own body instead of having a healthy fear of predators. My girlfriends have told me that in our world where rape and abuse sometimes happen, even women who haven’t been violated can become afraid of their own sexuality. Afraid if they look pretty they will be victimized. Losing this fear was absolutely crucial allowing me to enjoy my sexuality, because it doesn’t matter how much tenderness or skill my husband had if I was afraid to go there—receive it and enjoy it. When I could wear my Saturday night lingerie under my Tuesday morning dress, walk through a shopping center or office building, and notice an admiring glance or two (not a predatory leer), receive the unspoken compliment and smile to myself and whisper “Thank you Lord for making me beautiful and making me safe”—I knew I was there. Experiencing this for the first time felt like winning an Oscar and the Nobel Peace Prize at the same time.
Prayer is the key here. I had several precious girlfriends pray for me that God would remove this fear of looking attractive, fear of losing weight and fear to acknowledge that God made me a sexual being. These dear sisters prayed for months for this delicate issue. Day by day, I started to become aware that I was no longer paralyzed by this fear. God began to show me that I was at the same time “amazingly intricately beautifully made” (Psalm 139) and at the same time secure and safe from harm because I “dwell in the secret place of the Most High” (Psalm 91). This means we can be beautiful and possess a sexuality that is alive and at the same time be safe and protected by Almighty God. That, my dear sisters, is a powerful and joyful and fruitful place to be.
12. I became humble and teachable and asked God to teach me whatever I needed to learn about how to enjoy my body.
God helped me to develop a willingness to learn about lovemaking techniques balanced with a godly discernment. I can tell you from experience, if you go to an internet search engine page and type “sex education”, beware. Some of the links will be thinly veiled porn. Listen to your discerning heart as you learn.
My husband and I worked with a sex therapist and it was one of the most healing beautiful difficult fruitful things I have ever done. There were attitudes and behavior we needed to unlearn. And there were attitudes and behaviors we needed to learn. Our therapist coached us through big and small important life lessons as we learned how to be mature and playful lovers. The three books that meant the world to us during that season were A Celebration of Sex, Intimate Issues and Passionate Marriage. We learned that an intimate marriage plus mature lovers equals a fulfilling sex life. I was surprised but happy to learn that a deeply passionate relationship doesn’t just happen because you love each other. Our therapist taught us the good news that specific disciplines can be practiced over time that will help us create mature, exciting intimacy—and if we ask, God will teach us these disciplines. Over the course of a few months of regularly meeting with the sex therapist, God taught us these truths at a deep level. We are and are still learning to be unconditionally committed, confidently secure then wildly adventurous, emotionally passionate, mysteriously creative, sensuously celebrating, totally present, and erotically adored. Experiencing these disciplines and learning how to be this way with each other is the hottest, most freeing and beautiful redemptive thing I’ve ever experienced. It took everything in our heart crying out to God and being humble through the growth process. But we did it all for the glory of love. What an unfathomable bond to be classmates in the school of erotic maturity together! There is no other man I could or would go through this process with than my honey. He is my soulmate. And it was staggering to begin to see God as my coach and advocate. Once I began to see the disciplines it would take for me to experience erotic maturity, I knew I couldn’t do it alone. It was overwhelming what growth was required of me. And that led me to cry out to God and I was shocked to find Him my advocate and not my judge. God wanted me to learn these disciplines because God wanted me to experience erotic maturity joy and freedom. Dude! This shocked the hell out of me. To really believe on a soul deep level that God wanted me to experience joy and contentment and pleasure in our marriage bed. Oh yes. Yes he does.
In this relational context, learning about techniques and toys was fun and exciting. I’ve read lots and lots of books on sex and I learned to adopt a buffet mentality and take what I like and leave the rest. The same author who advocated threesomes (no thanks!) taught me a lot about the g-spot (yes please!). I learned what I needed to learn and left the rest. I am both eager and discerning and these attitudes have helped me learn a lot of really fun techniques.
Here are a few resources if you think you might benefit from working with a sex therapist. www.sexualwholeness.org is a great resource for referrals and information from the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists. I've talked about them here before. Many of the therapists there are in private practice. You may also want to check out passionatecommittment.com the website for Christian Sex Therapists Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner. Their book Restoring the Pleasure is a wonderful roadmap to overcoming roadblocks on the road to wedded bedded bliss. I found a lot of advice and encouragement on themarriagebed.com a ministry that promotes education on sex and intimacy for married Christians. Their ladies’ website thegenerouswife was a wonderful place for me to learn and pray with other ladies who were also seeking healing in their marriages. God gave me tremendous encouragement that He desires body and soul restoration for all men and women when I attended a Created and Redeemed seminar. Other resources that may be a part of this process include: a therapist certified by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, educational books, educational videos recommended by a therapist or healthcare provider, and a visit to a physician who specialized in sexual health, such as the center for female sexuality or the center for women's sexual health. Since hormone imbalances can cause sexual dysfunction, an endocrinologist may be an important member of your healing team.
While talking to your current OB/GYN is a great place to start, it is important to mention that many OB/GYNs do not specialize in sexual health per se but in reproductive health. They are not the same thing. Sexual health is about having fun. Reproductive health is about having babies. You may want to consider telling your OB/GYN that you are ready to deal with sexual dysfunction and not necessarily pursue pregnancy and delivery. Ask them if they can help you with that. Keep in mind that while babies are beautiful and darling and they’re a wonderful addition to your family, you can get pregnant and deliver a healthy child while still experiencing sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction. I know. I did it, and I’ve talked to many women who have too.
So there they are…twelve healing restorative wonderful things that God has done for me. As you can well imagine, my heart is full of thanksgiving. Here’s the best part: I’m no different than any other of God's daughters. He will do it for you too if you ask him. Remember, that the God who inspired the Song of Solomon also lovingly created every inch of your body. I believe he wants you to enjoy it. Really.
I’ll leave you with 2nd Samuel 23:5 that says.
"Is it not true my house is with God?
For He has established an everlasting covenant with me,
ordered and secured in every [detail].
Will He not bring about
my whole salvation and [my] every desire?"
Ladies, this is restoration. Ask God for it!
-SW
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Scheduled Sex and Being Too Tired
I'm learning that saving time to be together is important and that you don't have to feel energetic and horny before you walk in the bedroom in order to have a beautiful pleasurable evening. Some of you have known this for years. For me, it's big news.
I knew Delighted Husband and I had saved this evening for each other. And on evenings we plan to be together, I usually save some mental and physical energy for him and deliberately think carnal thoughts all day in anticipation. But I didn't this last time. I had a good but busy day at work, had an emotionally uplifting lunch with my girlfriends, and had a challenging couple of hours helping the DC with their homework and coaching them through several tudes. By the end of the two hours, I felt wrung out like a sponge. I went to DH and said "I need skin to skin for a few minutes. I"m worn out." He was quick to oblige, as he had heard me calmly standing my ground with the children who were trying to turn "bitch moan and argue with mom" into an Olympic sport.
We locked ourselves in our room and quickly got naked for some cuddles. I sighed with comfort and pleasure as I nestled into his arms. "Remind me" I asked. And so he did. Delighted Husband gave me two or three sentences reminding me good things about myself. Words of affirmation and physical touch together are a powerful combination. I began to feel myself recharge, like a dead cell phone on a charger lighting up again. We cuddled and caressed each other and without trying, words spilled out of my mouth, complimenting him and loving on him. Reminding him what a wonderful man he was. Which took absolutely no effort to come up with affirming words considering how loving he had just shown himself to be.
This wasn't steamy talk by any means. Our skin-to-skin contact was for bonding and affirmation, not arousing. It was the "sharing your heart's life force" definition of Eros, not the "tingly thrilling do me" definition of Eros. Our fifteen minutes passed quickly and the doorbell ringing with the first trick or treaters told us our time was up.
I went to get dinner going and DH took over door duty with the trick or treaters.
Dinner was yummy and punctuated by doorbell ringing every few minutes. It was fun to chat with the neighbors, although difficult to eat between visitors, but what do we expect?
Finally got the DC tucked in after their sugar rush, and DH and I knew our "date" time had arrived. We were both tired and achy, but wanted to be together. Both of us said something to this effect while we were standing in the kitchen. We decided to go for it and see what God might do for us.
Walking in our bedroom and locking the door was an act of faith. We had zero tingly erotic urgency. Our muscles were tired and achy. But we felt emotionally connected and a desire to make the most of the opportunity. After all, we were in our bedroom at 9pm with kids already tucked in their own beds. Just watching TV or going to sleep would feel like we squandered an opportunity.
I suggested a massage and spread the liberator throe over the comforter to keep massage oil off the bed. After joking over whose turn it would be first, I laid down on my back with my knees supported by the liberator whirl. This is where the first of many miracles happened. It didn't take five minutes of smelling him and feeling him touch me that I was very aroused. As our arousal became more visible, we kept joking, "I'm too tired" "Oh me too. I'm way too tired." That position actually did become tiring for Delighted Husband so we switched so he could lie down with the whirl under his knees. I became the active pleasurer which I enjoyed very much. DH let me know how much pleasure he was receiving which of course made my heart feel that good feeling you get inside when you know somebody is enjoying the gift you gave them. It was also a huge turn-on. We warmed to the task. Delighted Husband became the active pleasurer again, while I rocked happily. He asked me to hand him a certain toy while he told me what he was about to do to me and how he knew I was going to respond. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Gazing into his eyes, I came in about 6 seconds, which surprized the heck out of both of us. How'd we do that? We're too tired!
After I caught my breath, we switched to our favorite finish position. Delighted Husband positioned me the way he wanted me, which is such a small simple thing, but I love that because it demonstrates our being relaxed and comfortable and his matter-of-fact intent to take me which is just such an emotional rush. I have no idea how long we made love because time stood still. Smiling into his eyes while watching my husband come is one of the sweetest spiritual and emotional experiences I've ever had. He is magnificent.
Once we came back down to earth, told each other it was time for a quick shower and then sleep, cause we really were tired. Shower was shared and quick with much grinning at each other. I happened to glance at the clock on my way back to bed from the shower. It was 9:30!
"Oh My God! Honey, look, soup to nuts this whole lovemaking was 30 minutes! Can you believe it?" To say we both thanked God would be putting it mildly. I thank God for the toy and pillows that helped us coax pleasure out of an evening when the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. I suspect that the DHA and EPA supplements I took for the last few days may have had something to do with my quick response. (I'm on The Orgasmic Diet which is another article). Most of all, I believe miracles still happen. Even in the marriage bed. I blame this miracle on our generous loving God rewarding our small act of faith of locking the door even though we were too tired. -SW
I knew Delighted Husband and I had saved this evening for each other. And on evenings we plan to be together, I usually save some mental and physical energy for him and deliberately think carnal thoughts all day in anticipation. But I didn't this last time. I had a good but busy day at work, had an emotionally uplifting lunch with my girlfriends, and had a challenging couple of hours helping the DC with their homework and coaching them through several tudes. By the end of the two hours, I felt wrung out like a sponge. I went to DH and said "I need skin to skin for a few minutes. I"m worn out." He was quick to oblige, as he had heard me calmly standing my ground with the children who were trying to turn "bitch moan and argue with mom" into an Olympic sport.
We locked ourselves in our room and quickly got naked for some cuddles. I sighed with comfort and pleasure as I nestled into his arms. "Remind me" I asked. And so he did. Delighted Husband gave me two or three sentences reminding me good things about myself. Words of affirmation and physical touch together are a powerful combination. I began to feel myself recharge, like a dead cell phone on a charger lighting up again. We cuddled and caressed each other and without trying, words spilled out of my mouth, complimenting him and loving on him. Reminding him what a wonderful man he was. Which took absolutely no effort to come up with affirming words considering how loving he had just shown himself to be.
This wasn't steamy talk by any means. Our skin-to-skin contact was for bonding and affirmation, not arousing. It was the "sharing your heart's life force" definition of Eros, not the "tingly thrilling do me" definition of Eros. Our fifteen minutes passed quickly and the doorbell ringing with the first trick or treaters told us our time was up.
I went to get dinner going and DH took over door duty with the trick or treaters.
Dinner was yummy and punctuated by doorbell ringing every few minutes. It was fun to chat with the neighbors, although difficult to eat between visitors, but what do we expect?
Finally got the DC tucked in after their sugar rush, and DH and I knew our "date" time had arrived. We were both tired and achy, but wanted to be together. Both of us said something to this effect while we were standing in the kitchen. We decided to go for it and see what God might do for us.
Walking in our bedroom and locking the door was an act of faith. We had zero tingly erotic urgency. Our muscles were tired and achy. But we felt emotionally connected and a desire to make the most of the opportunity. After all, we were in our bedroom at 9pm with kids already tucked in their own beds. Just watching TV or going to sleep would feel like we squandered an opportunity.
I suggested a massage and spread the liberator throe over the comforter to keep massage oil off the bed. After joking over whose turn it would be first, I laid down on my back with my knees supported by the liberator whirl. This is where the first of many miracles happened. It didn't take five minutes of smelling him and feeling him touch me that I was very aroused. As our arousal became more visible, we kept joking, "I'm too tired" "Oh me too. I'm way too tired." That position actually did become tiring for Delighted Husband so we switched so he could lie down with the whirl under his knees. I became the active pleasurer which I enjoyed very much. DH let me know how much pleasure he was receiving which of course made my heart feel that good feeling you get inside when you know somebody is enjoying the gift you gave them. It was also a huge turn-on. We warmed to the task. Delighted Husband became the active pleasurer again, while I rocked happily. He asked me to hand him a certain toy while he told me what he was about to do to me and how he knew I was going to respond. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Gazing into his eyes, I came in about 6 seconds, which surprized the heck out of both of us. How'd we do that? We're too tired!
After I caught my breath, we switched to our favorite finish position. Delighted Husband positioned me the way he wanted me, which is such a small simple thing, but I love that because it demonstrates our being relaxed and comfortable and his matter-of-fact intent to take me which is just such an emotional rush. I have no idea how long we made love because time stood still. Smiling into his eyes while watching my husband come is one of the sweetest spiritual and emotional experiences I've ever had. He is magnificent.
Once we came back down to earth, told each other it was time for a quick shower and then sleep, cause we really were tired. Shower was shared and quick with much grinning at each other. I happened to glance at the clock on my way back to bed from the shower. It was 9:30!
"Oh My God! Honey, look, soup to nuts this whole lovemaking was 30 minutes! Can you believe it?" To say we both thanked God would be putting it mildly. I thank God for the toy and pillows that helped us coax pleasure out of an evening when the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. I suspect that the DHA and EPA supplements I took for the last few days may have had something to do with my quick response. (I'm on The Orgasmic Diet which is another article). Most of all, I believe miracles still happen. Even in the marriage bed. I blame this miracle on our generous loving God rewarding our small act of faith of locking the door even though we were too tired. -SW
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Girlfriends
Never underestimate the healing power of God manifested in the kind words and loving eyes of a girlfriend. You know who you are, hon. And what you said was the Life of God spoken for me. -SW
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I've been given so much
I've been given so much.
As I consider my life, I am astounded at the too-much grace of God.
I'm having one of those moments of clarity, y'all so please be my witnesses.
Life is good.
Life is immeasurably good because life is the gift of an immeasurably good God.
I have come to believe that the best way I can write a suitable thank you note to God is to live this life he gave me in such a way that I don't miss a morsel.
My life is filled with immeasurable sweetness.
The curly hair on my husband's head brushing my fingertips as I caress him for the millionth time.
The wind cupping my hair and cheek in a rushing caress as I race my children in a bicycle race.
The calm stately aliveness coursing through my posture as I stand erect arms outstretched chin lifted a smile hugging my face as I sing out my worship.
The pleasure on the faces of my family as I read to them.
The winking twinkle of delight in my brain as I learn something new.
The incomparable comfort of a friend's voice on the phone whether I am giving them my comfort or they are giving me theirs or both as usually happens.
The soul-deep gratitude for the afterglow of lovemaking, cherishing the feeling that for a few minutes every cell in our two bodies are lined up and doing exactly as they should be and that sweet awareness that every star and cell and planet in the world is dancing their known beautiful rhythm.
The sweet understanding that suffering will sometimes happen and that its purpose is to draw me to God, to nudge me into that sweet leaning on the everlasting arms.
The honoring humbling beautiful certainty that every choice I make counts and that I've been endowed with the power to offer beauty to the humans in my world.
Every folded towel
every lovely nourishing meal
every sharp word swallowed instead of spoken
every time my palm wraps around the cheek of someone I love, it matters. They all matter.
Every flower I coax out of the ground
every endless mess I sweep from my floor
every laundered and unshrunk outfit
every guest who feels welcomed and set free to make memories
every customer who is treated fairly and generously
every piece of paper that counted and filed and processed and administrated
every piece of jewelry selected and worn with a smile and a spring in my step
every sorrow I give to God on suffering bended knees or on fists clenched in outrage
it all matters.
Very very much.
Every phone call I do not answer so I can make love to my husband
Every phone call I answer holding the invisible hand of my girlfriend
Every hastily sent "i love u" text message
Every "bye darling" hollered as I walk out the kitchen door
Every "I'm sorry. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?"
It all matters.
Very very much.
Every miraculous moment when the heroic grace of God bumps my mind out of the selfdestructive rut it sometimes finds itself
It matters.
And God Almighty is in every single one of these moments.
I talk alot about sex on this blog.
I talk alot about feelings and beauty and love.
Seen by itself, this blog isn't balanced.
Seen up against cnn, msnbc, foxnews and every grisly headline in every newspaper, this blog is my little pebble towards equal time and balance. When pebbles of grace outweigh boulders of despair, you know God has put his hand on the scale.
I love you all.
Thank you for reading.
As I consider my life, I am astounded at the too-much grace of God.
I'm having one of those moments of clarity, y'all so please be my witnesses.
Life is good.
Life is immeasurably good because life is the gift of an immeasurably good God.
I have come to believe that the best way I can write a suitable thank you note to God is to live this life he gave me in such a way that I don't miss a morsel.
My life is filled with immeasurable sweetness.
The curly hair on my husband's head brushing my fingertips as I caress him for the millionth time.
The wind cupping my hair and cheek in a rushing caress as I race my children in a bicycle race.
The calm stately aliveness coursing through my posture as I stand erect arms outstretched chin lifted a smile hugging my face as I sing out my worship.
The pleasure on the faces of my family as I read to them.
The winking twinkle of delight in my brain as I learn something new.
The incomparable comfort of a friend's voice on the phone whether I am giving them my comfort or they are giving me theirs or both as usually happens.
The soul-deep gratitude for the afterglow of lovemaking, cherishing the feeling that for a few minutes every cell in our two bodies are lined up and doing exactly as they should be and that sweet awareness that every star and cell and planet in the world is dancing their known beautiful rhythm.
The sweet understanding that suffering will sometimes happen and that its purpose is to draw me to God, to nudge me into that sweet leaning on the everlasting arms.
The honoring humbling beautiful certainty that every choice I make counts and that I've been endowed with the power to offer beauty to the humans in my world.
Every folded towel
every lovely nourishing meal
every sharp word swallowed instead of spoken
every time my palm wraps around the cheek of someone I love, it matters. They all matter.
Every flower I coax out of the ground
every endless mess I sweep from my floor
every laundered and unshrunk outfit
every guest who feels welcomed and set free to make memories
every customer who is treated fairly and generously
every piece of paper that counted and filed and processed and administrated
every piece of jewelry selected and worn with a smile and a spring in my step
every sorrow I give to God on suffering bended knees or on fists clenched in outrage
it all matters.
Very very much.
Every phone call I do not answer so I can make love to my husband
Every phone call I answer holding the invisible hand of my girlfriend
Every hastily sent "i love u" text message
Every "bye darling" hollered as I walk out the kitchen door
Every "I'm sorry. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?"
It all matters.
Very very much.
Every miraculous moment when the heroic grace of God bumps my mind out of the selfdestructive rut it sometimes finds itself
It matters.
And God Almighty is in every single one of these moments.
I talk alot about sex on this blog.
I talk alot about feelings and beauty and love.
Seen by itself, this blog isn't balanced.
Seen up against cnn, msnbc, foxnews and every grisly headline in every newspaper, this blog is my little pebble towards equal time and balance. When pebbles of grace outweigh boulders of despair, you know God has put his hand on the scale.
I love you all.
Thank you for reading.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Living the Sacred Romance
Today was such a gift. I swear. The entire day I was romanced and pursued and treated to delights big and and small. And Delighted Husband had nothing to do with it.
Cool thing about repentance. When I surrender as soon as God shows me I missed the mark, the sun comes out and life feels full color again.
Whenever I get rid of idols in my life, God seems to have fun rushing in to romance me and welcome me back.
I had the sweetest dream last night. Not just an un-bad dream. Not just the lack of a nightmare, but a dream of an experience that was was rich and so sweet my soul felt nourished when I wakened. I dreamed that Delighted Husband and I had dinner with our friends...another couple whose hearts we are fond of and admire. We arrived at their home for a cookout and the welcome on their faces was immersion. The feeling of being welcomed and delighted in washed over me. I felt so good to see them. And they felt so good to see me. I could just tell.
My brain was in a groove so I got into high gear organizing my office. It felt so good to begin to put things to right in my office. This Summer season was busy and little by little I reclaimed "a place for everything and everything in its place".
I ran out to run an errand at lunch and realized I would be going right by one of Delighted Husband's vendors. I called and asked him if there was anything he'd like me to drop off or pick up there and sure enough, he needed something. This Summer I was nearly drowning in roundtuits and guests and customers and vendors so it had been a while since I offered to run an errand for Delighted Husband. I could tell tell he was shocked in a good way to be asked. The usual this Summer was for him to beg me to run an errand and after 3 days of reminders I'd finally remember and finish it. So it felt so good to be able to offer.and deliver the same day.
I had fun chatting for a minute with DH's vendor. He's worked with that vendor for years and I know her from some of his work events. It just made my day to be able to greet a friend I hadn't seen in months. She bragged on my hair told me it looked great. I took this as a total bonus from God because I had just this morning been plotting to take myself in for some scheduled maintenance at the salon. But it felt so good to hear her sincere complement today. It meant alot.
I found myself near one of my favorite restaurants and I did something I had never done there before. I ate lunch by myself. I'm a gabber (as if you couldn't tell!) and I love to get out of the office and socialize with other humans (besides the customer on the other end of my endlessly ringing phone.) And I would have much rather eaten out with a friend but I was hungry. And I was there. So I summoned a little shot of bravery and went right on in. They seated me immediately which Never happens there since it's such a good restaurant. I didn't quite have the nerve to dawdle alone, so I aked the waiter what entree was fastest and he recommended a particular salad. It was the tastiest salad I have had in months. I was so busy gratefully consuming my salad (which was formed into an Aztec pyramid shape) that it took me a while to recognize the waiter's kindness and good service had morphed into flirting. I am so naive like that. It's hard to believe what with me wearing a wedding band that any man would go ahead and flirt anyway. I didn't feel icked out or intimidated. It's not like he asked me for a date. He just asked if I worked nearby and grinned and said "see you tomorrow!". I just felt flattered and grateful for the human interaction. After this long exhausting lonely Summer, it meant a lot.
As I was leaving the restaurant, I noticed a florist I'd always wanted to visit. Every time I'd been to that restaurant, DH and I had been doing the hustle trying to get back home for the babysitter so I'd never stopped in at the florist. I imagined the stack of phone messages waiting for me at the office, but I decided to give myself 10 minutes.
I wandered in and was delighted to see it was one of those charming mom & pop florists...cluttered with scented candles and cute gifty items. A lanky kid in his early twenties appeared from around the corner, grinned at me and asked if he could help. I told him I used to hang out at florist with my mom when I was a kid and I hadn't been in a florist with a little time to kill in years. "I didn't see much in your cooler up front, is there any more?" He grinned again, said "sure, there's more in the back", and just like that, I got the backstage tour back through the designer workstation into the bigggg cooler. It felt so good to stand in that cool room. It's still hot outside where I live. I looked around. There were signs on the shelves indicating price range. $40-$45 is a lot for an impulse buy unplanned expense, but I felt a nudge inside that said "go ahead" so I picked one vase off the shelf then another. "These are just starter vases for inventory" Sweet Blond Lanky Kid said, "we expect you to want to customize it a bit."
Customize it? Oh my. I'm livin' large just buying myself flowers not from a grocery store as it is. But I really did like the look of those Stargazer lilies in that bucket over in the corner, so I turned around to hand him the vase. Only it wasn't Sweet Blonde Lanky Kid, it was the designer. She was a petite brunette with kind brown eyes. "What would you like to add?" I swallowed and did the math in my head. Adding the lilies to my $45 arrangement would probably end of costing me fifty bucks. I considered asking her to pare down the vase before adding the lilies but it seemed mean and stingy to cull out the pink baby callas that blended so sweetly with the other flowers, I decided to go for it. I summoned more bravery. "Just add one of those Stargazers here in the middle and I think I"ll be good to go." I went upfront to wait by the cash register, enjoying smelling the scented candles and chatting with other customers.
The designer rang up my order. She only charged me 30 bucks. I managed not to gape my surprize but smiled and said "thank you" as I handed her my card. Then I thought out loud"how in the world am I gonna drive and hold a vase of flowers?" The grocery store flowers I am used to come in a paper and lay nicely on the carseat. "No problem, Kind Eyed Designer said, I"ll get you a bucket." I wasn't quite sure what that meant. But in 2 minutes Kind Eyed Designer emerged from her workshop carrying a plain black bucket, with my sweet little vase nestled in white gift tissue. It looked like a gift bag from a party. The other customer gasped with delight. So did I.
I gathered up my purse and magazines and then the other customer said "Can I help you to your car?" I smiled and said "Well sure an open door would be nice." She said "Oh no let me help" and she gathered up my little bucket o' flowers and walked with me to my car. I buckled the bucket into the front passenger seat just like Kind Eyed Designer told me to and thanked the other customer. "Have a great day" she said. "How could I not?" I replied.
I felt like Queen for a Day. A nice healthy yummy lunch out, stunning flowers all for forty bucks. This had God written all over it.
So to send Him my thank you note, I opened my sunroof, put on my sunglasses, and grinned my biggest grin right up at the sun. I drove back to work singing along with Chris Rice while the airconditioner blasted swirling coolness all around me.
Now I"m sneaking into Heaven with a borrowed halo
Hoping no-one notices my broken wings
Sneaking through these gates thinkin Lord Have Mercy
I'm never gonna make it if its up to me.
Hey mister Pedro, I have a little confession
I don't belong here and this halo isn't mine
Peter laughed and said
"son haven't you noticed we've all been broken and now we're doin' just fine"
cause nobody's good enough up here we're all the same
we all get to Heaven under someone else's name
I feel so alive. I feel so romanced and treated to love's little niceties.
And my beloved husband had nothing to do with it.
Sometimes the one who romances us best of all is God. -SW
Saturday, April 28, 2007
You had me at hello
My friend Dena has been telling me about an awesome experience she had with Theophostic Prayer recently. Theophostic Prayer is a method of guided healing prayer where you invite Jesus to come into those dark aching places in your heart and ask him to heal you. It is very powerful and leaves you wanting everyone you care about to experience this healing and lay down their pain as well. Dena, who is one of the bravest and most generous-hearted women I know, volunteered to receive this healing prayer in a demonstration "practice session" at a conference recently. Normally, Theophostic Prayer is done in private and confidentiality, like confession or a counseling session. But Dena was willing to be the demo girl, letting people see how simple and real healing prayer can be. The way Dena tells it, "Welllllll, Jesus doesn't practice -- He showed up and did a doozy of a job on me, in front of God and everyone! Cool!"
Dena, you are one of the most brave willinghearted women I've ever heard of. I so love your passion and devotion and hunger for God. If he's handing out healing, you're the first in line and I just so love that about you. Even if that means standing in view of Man while you get that healing. Wow.
Which is what many of the hurting people in the Bible had to do. Jesus made a few house calls and one on one encounters. But so many of the dear healed ones got theirs standing in line or pressing in through a crowd. Interesting... Spirit quickly reminds me that of the few times Jesus made himself available to heal and restore one on one, it was with and for a woman. How well Jesus knows how to care for and heal our feminine hearts! I'm thinking of the woman at the well, and thinking of the sinful woman who lavished her love and repentance on Jesus washing his feet with her tears and drying his feet with her hair. By allowing this intimate act, and by offering his forgiving redeeming love to her throughout the process, Jesus let her/made her feel like she was the only woman in the world, even when the whole thing took place in front of (in the home of!) a meanspirited critical-spirited Pharisee audience. (and by the way how DID they KNOW she was a sinful woman? Any of them done any sampling? We don't know that do we?).
What we do know is it's not only safe but utterly healing and transforming to pour out our hearts and tears to Jesus because healing us, loving us forgiving us is what he had in mind all along. We don't have to sell God on healing and forgiving us. We don't have to beg him. When we come to Jesus broken, hungry, thirsty, and in need of forgiveness, Jesus word to us is "You had me at hello".
Dena, you are one of the most brave willinghearted women I've ever heard of. I so love your passion and devotion and hunger for God. If he's handing out healing, you're the first in line and I just so love that about you. Even if that means standing in view of Man while you get that healing. Wow.
Which is what many of the hurting people in the Bible had to do. Jesus made a few house calls and one on one encounters. But so many of the dear healed ones got theirs standing in line or pressing in through a crowd. Interesting... Spirit quickly reminds me that of the few times Jesus made himself available to heal and restore one on one, it was with and for a woman. How well Jesus knows how to care for and heal our feminine hearts! I'm thinking of the woman at the well, and thinking of the sinful woman who lavished her love and repentance on Jesus washing his feet with her tears and drying his feet with her hair. By allowing this intimate act, and by offering his forgiving redeeming love to her throughout the process, Jesus let her/made her feel like she was the only woman in the world, even when the whole thing took place in front of (in the home of!) a meanspirited critical-spirited Pharisee audience. (and by the way how DID they KNOW she was a sinful woman? Any of them done any sampling? We don't know that do we?).
What we do know is it's not only safe but utterly healing and transforming to pour out our hearts and tears to Jesus because healing us, loving us forgiving us is what he had in mind all along. We don't have to sell God on healing and forgiving us. We don't have to beg him. When we come to Jesus broken, hungry, thirsty, and in need of forgiveness, Jesus word to us is "You had me at hello".
Monday, April 23, 2007
I don't deserve it, but I'll embrace it
my sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
my sin, not in part, but the whole
is nailed to the cross
and I bear it no more
praise the Lord
praise the Lord
O my soul
Click the rewind and play buttons repeatedly and lather-rinse-repeat until this one sinks down into your soul. When it does, you'll get filled up with a great-big Gratitude Happy. Many artists sing this song well. My favorite is the one belted out by the sweet voice of Sarah Welch Fuselier. Whoo yeah! Sing it darlin!
my sin, not in part, but the whole
is nailed to the cross
and I bear it no more
praise the Lord
praise the Lord
O my soul
Click the rewind and play buttons repeatedly and lather-rinse-repeat until this one sinks down into your soul. When it does, you'll get filled up with a great-big Gratitude Happy. Many artists sing this song well. My favorite is the one belted out by the sweet voice of Sarah Welch Fuselier. Whoo yeah! Sing it darlin!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
More Sugar Please
I've got it made
rest in the shade
and hold my love
while God above
stirs with a spoon
we share the moon
smile at the bees
more sugar, please
He really loves us after all
we're gonna need another straw
we're gonna need another strawwwww
—Chris Rice, Lemonade, Amusing Album
Eat O Lovers.
Drink and imbibe deeply!
Take it alllll in.
—God, Song of Solomon 5:1, paraphrased by Lorraine Pintus
How (great) big (enormous) is your goodness (everything that is nourishing delightful and right with the world) which you have stored up (by the truckload) for them that fear (respect, hold in awe and adore) you.
—David, Psalm 31:19, paraphrased by Sensuous Wife
God has so much good stuff for us that we have to make an effort to take it all in. Take it alllll in. Hmm...I'm noticing a theme here. How about you?-SW
rest in the shade
and hold my love
while God above
stirs with a spoon
we share the moon
smile at the bees
more sugar, please
He really loves us after all
we're gonna need another straw
we're gonna need another strawwwww
—Chris Rice, Lemonade, Amusing Album
Eat O Lovers.
Drink and imbibe deeply!
Take it alllll in.
—God, Song of Solomon 5:1, paraphrased by Lorraine Pintus
How (great) big (enormous) is your goodness (everything that is nourishing delightful and right with the world) which you have stored up (by the truckload) for them that fear (respect, hold in awe and adore) you.
—David, Psalm 31:19, paraphrased by Sensuous Wife
God has so much good stuff for us that we have to make an effort to take it all in. Take it alllll in. Hmm...I'm noticing a theme here. How about you?-SW
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