Thursday, January 24, 2008

Confidently Secure, Then Wildly Adventurous

Confidently Secure, Then Wildly Adventurous
This is one of the seven personal disciplines of passionate intimacy in Doug Rosenau's book A Celebration of Sex. Or as I like to call them, the Seven Habits of Highly Erotic Lovers. Sorry, Steven. Sorry, Doug. I get a little carried away sometimes. Okay. Back on track.

Doug's point is, it takes some healthy self-confidence and being comfortable in your own skin in order to be uninhibited and adventurous.

He writes:
Confidently Secure Then Wildly Adventurous takes two whole people to make a whole relationship. The scriptural injunction—"each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else" (Gal. 6:4 NIV)—encourages thsi type of personal wholeness. Every mate who wants to be a passionate lover must practice the discipline of growing up and becoming a confident person.

Genuine self-esteem is based on accepting God's verdict that each human being is "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Ps. 139:14 NIV). It is not pride but godly self-awareness to know one's strengths and spiritual gifts. Romans 12:3 encourages, "Do not think of yourself more highly then you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement [a realistic assessment], in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." (NIV). In this confident awareness and wholeness, lovers express their needs and choose to risk deeper intimacy and new behaviors."

Love that!
I've seen this discipline, this attitude change bear much fruit in my life. And more to grow...


Anonymous said...

I'm happy to have found your blog.... This is exactly what I need right now.
My husband and I have been married for just about 2 years. I was sexually assaulted in university. I went through a process of healing, and part of it was reclaiming my sexual self. Though I would say now that I don't really believe in sex outside of covanent relationship, I did have a satisfying sexual relationship with boyfriend.
My husband hadn't had sex before our wedding night. And...well, it left something to be desired. I struggle with desiring him because he's so unfamiliar with so many things about sex / sexuality - languauge to use, where to put his hands, where to put his penis, what might feel good for me. I sometimes get frustrated, and then he gets frustrated...
Over the last couple of months he's had a medical condition that has prevented us from having intercourse. On top of that, we've been so busy that we've not been good about kindling our sexual relationship.
Wouldn't it be great to have a firey sex life? Absolutely...but it feels like so much work to get there. Thanks for some inspiration.
-a wife in Canada

Sensuous Wife said...

oh Wife In Canada, I'm so glad you're here. You know, hon, the reason it feels like it's such hard work to get there is because it is such hard work to get there.

Seriously, I'm not being flippant. Having a great sex life is rewarding and infinitely worth it but not easy. No couple just instantly has a mega-awesome sex life without being humble and teachable and growing in maturity. You've got to learn your own body, learn your own heart and learn someone else's body, learn someone else's heart. I"m tellin' ya, honeymoons are often wasted on amateurs! It takes time to learn how to tango realllly well.

I'm sorry to hear about your sexual assault and your husband's medical condition. Good for you for pressing on for healing and to reclaim your sexuality! I pray your husband feels fully recovered soon.

In the meantime, I've got some really good news for the both of you. Some of the best orgasms come from a husband using his hands, his mouth and a toy or two to pleasure his wife. How do I know? (((GRIN))) I just know.

And relearning the dance steps of the tango with your spouse when you've bonded with a previous sex partner is an issue to grow through. My friend Eleutheros who comments here from time to time posted something really great about that issue recently. When I have a link to that post, I'll post it here.

One thing that I think would serve you and Husband in Canada reallly well is to save the date for each other. Set aside blocks of time throughout the week to enjoy the Sacred Naked. Just enjoy each other. Cuddle naked. Enjoy gazing into each other's eyes and telling each other things you love about them. Physical like I love your dimpled chin, or emotional like I love your compassionate heart or whatever comes to mind. If the mood gets erotic, have some lube on hand and pleasure yourself in front of him. This will doubtless turn him on madly and if he wants to help you come, let him! Perhaps he could use only his voice to give you pleasure while you do all the touching. This is a great and verrry hot way to teach your husband what makes you come. A little saucy show and tell!
You go girl!
Thanks again for posting, Wife in Canada. It warms my heart to hear that something I wrote met a need for you.

Sensuous Wife said...

Thanks to Eleutheros who sent me this link