Friday, June 27, 2008

SW rants

Oh my God.
I cannot believe I did this.
Do yall ever have this thing where you get around your mother and you just revert to a nine year old and say "yes" when inside you are screaming "no".

I had a hard week at work.
Hard.

I wanted to get geared up to think/have/do sex this weekend.

So right after work, I went to the salon and got all dolled up. It was so good for my self esteem. The whole scalp massage, getting beautified thing was just wonderful. I put on a pretty dress, touched up my makeup and generally looked like a million bucks. I felt so gorgeous when I got home that I blogged about it. I have a half finished blog post saved in my drafts.

Why did I not finish the post and post it?

Well, I'm so glad you asked.

I cut my post short which I truly ache whenever I have to do it, because for me, when I have this beautiful moment and I write about it, I get to keep it forever. Oh and ya'll get to read it too.

So I cut my writing short. Stop mid sentence because. A week ago, I arranged for Beloved Child to go to Grandma's. I arranged for Grandma to pick up Beloved Child Friday night at 8 so Delighted Husband and I could have the evening alone together. Grandma is late. I call grandma and find that she is running late. Delighted Husband is starving. We were supposed to eat as a family before Grandma arrived but I am late from the salon since they gave me the royal treatment and I felt like a million bucks, but it was too late for dinner before Grandma.

So I call Grandma and wangle a way for us to hand off Beloved Child in time to have dinner as a couple. We agree to start driving toward Grandma and meet at a restaurant. I kiss Beloved Child and put his backpack in Grandma's car. Then Delighted Husband and I walk toward our favorite burger joint and Grandma says, "How about Beloved Child eat with y'all now and I just stay and keep you company?"

And what do I say?

Like an idiot, I say "yes".

OH WHY OH WHY DO I DO THIS SOMETIMES?

It's like Pavlov's dogs! I go into Obey Mother Mode.
With genuine friendly loving interest, Mom asks about my job.
I answer her questions.
Which means I spend the entire evening tallking about the job that I went to the salon to leave behind.
I feel increasing anxiety but I cannot pin it down.
Delighted Husband is now a bystander in my conversation with my mom.

THIS IS A REAL PROBLEM.

Eating dinner out is foreplay.
Pure and simple.

It works like this.

I get dolled up. It makes me feel good inside. I start to "own it". I start to connect with myself as a woman for who I am not as an employee who is valued only for what she can do. I start to feel gorgeous and womanly and beautiful.
Thus begins an entire tennis match of nonverbal flirting, all throughout the meal.
I think to myself, "I am so hot and you are so hot and I cannot wait until your hotness and my hotness collide."
and I make bedroom eyes at him.
and he makes bedroom eyes at me.
Waiters sense what is going on and begin to flirt with me in front of him.
All very innocent and appropriate. No hotel keys are passed on the table. But I get extra free drinks or special desserts or whatever because the waiter can feel the heat between Delighted Husband and I and they stand next to the fire and warm themselves.
All this happens nonverbally while Beloved Child talks about Astros or Nintendo or whatever.
Two conversations happening at once.
God, Delighted Husband is talented!
To Beloved Child he says, "Why yes, Lance Berkman did blah blah blah at the blah blah ballpark new record something something."
To me with his eyes only, he says, "I am going to tear your clothes off of you when we get home but first let me just enjoy looking at them."
Much eye contact and surreptitious lip licking takes place at our table.
It's hot.

and THAT is what was supposed to happen tonight.

But nooooooooo..... I went into obedient little girl mode. and ruined it all.

My Mom did nothing wrong. She didn't disrespect my boundaries.
I just didn't have any.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm so angry at myself!

And when I'm angry at myself in close proximity to Delighted Husband, it sounds like I'm angry at him. But I'm not. I'm angry AT myself NEAR him. But who wants to fuck an angry woman?

Sigh.

Y'all wanna hear the lovely beauty salon post anyway?

5 comments:

bethstedman said...

Sensuous wife, I've been reading your blog off and on for a while now and have really been touched by many of your posts, but I've never commented till now. This post and the follow up post you posted about it really resonated with me. This is a place I have been. I often get so upset with myself and that anger comes out not at my husband but "near" him, as you said, and often in my case he takes it personal... I feel guilty about it and let it eat me up instead of taking it to God and the whole thing just gets worse. Thank you for sharing this post and the above post you wrote about what happened after this post - I was blessed to see that I'm not alone. Thank you.

Who am I said...

And when I'm angry at myself in close proximity to Delighted Husband, it sounds like I'm angry at him. But I'm not. I'm angry AT myself NEAR him. But who wants to fuck an angry woman?

I have been pondering this in light of what you said here and in your later posts.

I think you did a great thing by processing your anger with others so that it didn't totally mess up your time and passion with your husband.

If my wife and I were in this situation, there are a couple of other possible positive solutions and a negative one.

One solution would be to use the various tools we have learned, so that we could process her anger together. Normally, then our passion comes roaring back.

Another possible positive solution, when the anger is not towards me, would be for her to just channel that anger into some really passionate fucking with me. That might be very hard for her to do, maybe not depending on the day.

The negative solution, which would really stress our relationship, and stir anger in me- would be to suppress all that anger, lose desire for me, and then either not make love, or half heartedly make love.

Thanks for sharing.

Who am I said...

Here is a question that I have been pondering that came back to my mind as I was reading this.

When things in your life, basically unrelated to your husband, such as work, or other relationship struggles, or life in general- have really stirred alot of emotions in you- does it help your sexual passion and desire for your husband more if a: he patiently listens to you process it all, in some mannner before moving on to sex or b: he encourages you to just set that all aside- and make passionate love?

Or does it depend on your mood and circumstances whether a or b is more helpful to enhancing passion.

The reason I ask is that sometimes when my wife and I process all that whatever, it sort of clears the decks for more passion, other times, it seems we can get into a negative spiral about her stuff and my stuff and I wonder if I should just firmly say something- like "ok dear- let's each lay aside all of this stuff, and just focus on making passionate love- I don't want all of this to drag us down.

Sensuous Wife said...

Beth, I am just tickled pink to meet you. The first time I saw Prague in my blog stats and could see it was not an accident that someone had deliberately looked for my blog from that far away, I clapped my hands over my mouth and squealed with joy. So it's YOU! My beloved reader in Prague! Mwah~ And what you said was just precious. Thank you, Beth. I hope you post comments again.

Whoami, you have such practical insight. I can tell you're a good man who's been there. And your second post! Well, I'll answer that. My answer is C both of the above. Sometimes, I need to process to get to the point where my sexuality can get untangled from my other negative emotions. And sometimes, we affirm and love each other in spite of the circumstances. Couples can have this tendency to go to their separate corners when they're under stress especially from an external circumstance. But it can be SO passionate, so healing to wrap your sweet skins around each other despite the circumstances. I really believe that God gave married couples sex as a built in free hourlong vacation whenever they need it. I wrote a poem after one such experience, called We're Busy. I wish I knew how to put links in comments. For now, here's the long link:

http://sensuouswife.blogspot.com
/2007/05/were-busy.html

Who am I said...

Your statement "Who wants to fuck an angry woman?" Came to mind last night.

My wife and I had a good night of loving the night before, she was even more aggresive than normal, which was wonderful.

We didn't get to bed until 11 or so, and I didn't realize it at the time, or had forgotten that she got up at 4 am.

I had big hopes of a second night of loving before I left town.

Well, a few bumps on the way. She was frustrated with some hurts that others have inflicted on her, and then I compounded the hurt by not paying attention and not empathizing very well. I hate it when I do that.

We did practice some of my advice, in that we did one of the tools we know to do to dissipate anger.

We got to a somewhat better place, and then I just let her fall asleep.

I left this morning before she was out of bed.

The good news is that when we talked this morning, we were both civil and apologetic for last night and both admitted we hated parting that way.

I guess I share this so you realize you have a fellow traveler on this up and down, twisting and turning marriage journey, that sometimes doesn't always go as in our heart of hearts we desire.

Both of us wonder at times, why marriage is so hard- at least for us in spite of our best efforts.

A friend of ours often reminds us that "Life outside the Garden of Eden has its problems."

Hope I didn't ramble too much.