A Single Reader Asks: Why Do Married Women Have Such a Hard Time Enjoying Sex?

I get the sweetest letters from y'all. Some letters seeking advice. Some letters sharing their story of overcoming and then coming coming coming. (twinkly-eyed Mona Lisa smile) The letter I'm going to share with you today arrived in the form of a comment. The comment is still on the post she commented on. But there are so many posts. So many comments, that I wanted to bring this one up front and center. Good stuff, darlings. Enjoy.

I'm unmarried and still a virgin (in my 30's), so perhaps I shouldn't be reading this on some puritanical level, but, well, I did.

Anyway, maybe I'll understand more fully when my desires and imaginations give way to actual reality one day if God should give me a husband - in other words, I have to admit that any reaction I have to your writings is definitely not backed up by experience. But I just hafta wonder -

Why is it that marital sex is so often painted as a difficult thing for women to enter into or enjoy? Unmarried teenager girls often cannot contain desire and the sexual opportunities presented to them, and have sex often enough - they don't go dragging their feet to their teenage lovers' sexual advances. Why is it that christian married women so often present sex as something that takes so much work for them to want or to truly enjoy?

I am so eager for the day when a man might take me completely and utterly in love for one another before the Lord. Is it really so hard in actuality? Will I really have to work on it so much or won't it just be able to be something that we rush into with joy and longing naturally, easily, with innocence and overwhelming desire and excitement?



Dear Anonymous,
Sweetheart, there is no way for me to know exactly what your first time will be like. I wish for you with all of my heart that it is a passionate beautiful orgasmic soul-affirming experience.

In answer to your question, why do married women often find it so hard to enter into and enjoy married sex when unmarried teenage girls often cannot and do not contain themselves?

Well the first thing that comes to mind as a reason is married women have such a hard time letting themselves go and abandoning themselves to marital pleasures is that when they were teenage girls they could not and did not contain themselves. The mind is a harsh judge, and the mind/body connection is strong. So often even after a woman believes God forgives her for sex that was too soon, she has a very difficult time forgiving herself and this judge in her head keeps the party in her loins from throwing all the confetti they rightfully deserve while partying with her husband.

Shannon Ethridge made a beautiful illustration of this dynamic when she was on The Today Show. She said so many women internalize the message that bad girls do and nice girls don't. So (my paraphrase here) they get off on bad girl sex. When they put that wedding ring on their finger, it may take much longer than the 5 seconds to put the wedding ring on their finger to convince their mind and heart and body that good girls do, they do it often and they do it with great pleasure that uninhibited pleasure gives them a strong bond with their husband. That's the core message of my novels, that sex doesn't have to be bad to be good. Good sex can be verrrry verrrry good. ;)

Another factor, another potential obstacle to a married woman truly entering into sweet erotic abandon with her husband is messages of shame soaked into her body by other people in her life who treated her body with disrespect or outright abuse. I've been very upfront in my story (see My Story in sidebar) and in the first year of my blog that "my first sexual experience, hell, my first era of sexual experiences, were coerced, and of a very abusive nature". These wounds left shrapnel in my heart and in my mind and through the strong mind/body connection, even in my body. For a long time, places that my abusers touched me would sound off horrid memories of shame and disgust every time that part of my body was touched again. Even when touched by my loving husband. The body/mind connection is strong. And God designed our skin to have a direct hotline to our memory. With the intended purpose to be that we are strongly bonded to our husband by the myriad of pleasurable loving safe passionate GOOD feelings we experience every time that part of our body is touched. The icky sad difficult but not impossible thing is when that part of our body is touched by an abuser and the skin/bonding/memory system built into our heart and body is activated, what we body memory bond to is bad sex, bad feelings and an unhealthy person who had NO business doing what they just did to us. The body has to unlearn. The heart has to unlearn. The mind has to unlearn. But God's healing power is strong. His desire to heal us is unflagging. So we go to safe people, receive love and prayer and therapy and we unlearn the bad stuff and learn the good stuff. It takes time.

So dear one, I had a lot of bad stuff to unlearn. Of course, the wish from my deep heart for you and for every other woman is that you don't have such horrid messages to unlearn. That you can entrust your self to the care of God and entrust your body and heart to the loving tender erotic care of your husband, unleash your feminine force on him and together have the time of your lives! That's the idea, darling!

(big smile)SW

One more thing, as a 30 year old single lady you are most welcome here. My welcome message asks that those under 18 invite their mom to come enjoy my blog or come back when they are older. Hot married sex is worth waiting for, trust me! You are over 18 and desiring healthy sex. So darlin' you are welcome to hang out here and read. I'd love to be a part of your journey toward healthy hot sex with your husband. I'd be honored!

How to Make Hot Sensuous Coffee

Sweet Jen over at Pretty Modest bemoaned the fact that her two favorite coffee shops were now unavailable so she had gone back to Mr. Coffee as a last resort. I promised her I'd share my recipe with her here. So nobody else read this! This is only for Jen! (giggle)

Tools/Ingredients

• Purified Water


• French Press Coffeepot


• Good Coffee Turkish Grind
  (I'm giving you lots of creative license here. My thought is if it comes whole bean in a bag, you're on the right track. Pick a flavor, pour it into the grinder at the grocery store and dial that baby all the way over to Turkish. It will look like powder when it's ground.)


• Half n Half real dairy as in from a cow not that corn syrup solids business


• Your favorite sweetening agent Splenda or sugar


• A can of whipped cream
  

Steps to Coffee Bliss:

1. Put a pot of purified water on the stove to boil.


2. Put two tablespoons turkish ground coffee into the French press.


3. When the water boils, pour it over the coffee into the French press.


4. Wait 4 minutes. If I am in a hurry, I wait just 1.


5. The coffee will be dark and opaque. This is good.


6. Pour the coffee into a cup and saucer if you're going for a girly girl vibe or into a big mug if you're going for broke.


7. Fill the cup 2/3 full.


8. Add sugar or Splenda. Be generous.


9. Stir until sugar dissolves.


10. Add half-n-half. Be generous.


11. Put a dollop of whipped cream on top.


12. Sip the coffee with a happy slurpy sound and and grin cause you've got a cream moustache!

If you're already hot under the collar, then you can pour this over crushed ice. It's strong coffee, it will stand up to ice.

Hope you enjoy it, Jen! I'll post the chillin' blend-your-way-to-heaven coffee recipe next.

Treat Yourself, Queens of the Kingdom!

I took the day off today and treated myself.
I was Queen for a Day. (and every other day) but I've always wanted to say that
I took the kids to school and took the time to meet with DC1's counselor and principal to make sure DC1 is getting everything they need to succeed. This is not a parenting blog so I won't go into long details. Just to say that I went to bat for my kid and I did it with a calm won't-back-down stance. I was friendly, and smiled, and thanked the educators on the team yet I held onto myself and spoke my truth with confidence. I know what DC1 needs and I am determined they will get it. There was a big tangled up ball of yarn issue that I've been working on this week, and while the principal was walking me out, they thanked me for doing such a great job being a champion and advocate for my child. This from the person who had been stonewalling me earlier. I was gracious and kind, and I felt my crown sparkle as I walked through the parking lot out to my car. Yes! I am Queen! I may have been the only one who could see my crown, but I knew it was there. (Suzanne Sugarbaker smile)

As I drove home, I was a bit uneasy hoping my new cleaning lady would show. I had not called her yesterday to confirm (remind) her and I checked my phone for her number, realized I didn't have it, and made a mental note to look up her number on my desk as soon as I got home. I never needed to. I arrived home at 8:59 to find her waiting for me. Smiling on the back porch. A responsible adult who shows up promptly for their appointment made 3 weeks ago. THANKS BE TO GOD! I could have hugged her! and I would have but my arms were full of cleaning supplies I was bringing in from the garage.

Now my domicile has been more than a little bit topsy turvy lately. I've had lots of men wearing workboots and toolbelts with names like Bubba and Earl all OVER my house during the last month and they were all done for the foreseeable future and I was time me and my much appreciated new cleaning lady to put all to rights in my little kingdom. I want to point something out. Something very special and loving. I did it for me. I knew the kids and Delighted Husband would enjoy the lovely sparkling clean space all light and airy and organized. But I did it primarily for me. I did it for the joy of it because that is what Queens do: they put their kingdoms to rights. Set things in beauty and welcoming order. Now Queenly confidence aside, there is no frickin way I would attempt to restore order to THIS domicile all by myself. No ma'am. But with a friend, with a capable kind strong smart lady to help me? Piece a cake! Well, yeah a piece of cake but a cake you have to bake. From scratch. But you get to eat it.

My favorite Fedex delivery driver delivered a package today. I answered smiling, out of breath and sweating. a lot. "Girl what're you doin?" he said with a grin. "Oh hey. I've got a new cleaning lady." "Then why are you sweatin?" I looked ruefully over my shoulder. "There's a lot to do."

We cleaned.
and cleaned.
and cleaned.

I say we not in the royal sense. I mean we both me and the dear cleaning lady put my house in order one room at a time. She did the scrubbing and the heavy stuff. I put stuff away where I know it belongs and washed, dried and folded laundry like nobody's business.

And I enjoyed it.

Swear to God.

Now I know this could really sound Stepfordish. But trust me anyone who knows me would crack up laughing at the notion of ME as a Stepford wife. What I'm trying to say is that today, for the first time in my life, I enjoyed housework. Something shifted inside my head this morning and I thought, "Hey, I have to live here. I deserve somewhere beautiful and decent and lovely to live in so I think I'll just make this place decent and beautiful and lovely enough for the likes of me!"

So I did.

I've been reading this great book How Starbucks Saved My Life. About an unemployed Ad Executive who gets a job in a Starbucks store and experiences the unexpected joy of hard work and taking pride in a job well done. I guess it's rubbed off on me.

After I treated myself to a beautiful sparkling light airy orderly home, after paying DCL and hugging her and scheduling her return date, I treated myself to a bath in my sparkling clean jacuzzi tub. Blissed out on pleasure and smelling sweetly of lily of the valley, I put myself down for a nap.

I woke up to the sounds of the kids coming home from school.

This is one of the best days off I've ever had. I treated myself. I worked so hard I got in my target heart rate.

Will I enjoy seeing how encouraged and comforted Delighted Husband is when he drags his weary self home and sees our gorgeous little kingdom?
Sure.
But I did it for me.
I treated myself.
(ting!) That's the sound of my crown sparkling. (grin) SW

Savor the Love, Scrap the Joy

I get tremendous joy from making things, the hands-on creative craftyness just thrills my soul. Cooking does this for me, the art of mixing different ingredients and the end result is I have created something of beauty.

I'm creating something of beauty in a different art form lately. Scrapbooking!

Several of my friends sent me emails or notes telling me how special I was to them and just what I meant to them. Of course, anytime something like this happens is a big deal and something to be savored. Well I'm learning how to savor it. How to feel the love longer than the 3 seconds it takes to say "awww! how sweet!" and give your friend a hug.

I do this by scrapbooking.

I take every sweet note my husband or friends give me and use them as raw material for a scrapbook page. That way, I have the card in an accessible form, an easily flipped page in a book instead of a card that will likely get lost in a dusty drawer somewhere.

But.
But.

Even better. By looking at the note, and taking my time to select a page and cutting out the note text and gluing it to a background cardstock in a coordinating color and then selecting all the fun doodads to glue or hammer on, I am soaking in the love, reading their words over and over. Looking at the picture of my friend and I. Savoring the memory.

Did I say hammer?
Yes I did!
Have you ever seen those cool little things?
They have little child-sized hammers that you use to punch a hole in the paper and them pound a cute little colorful metal thumbtack looking thing called an eyelet into the page. I never thought at my age, a thirtysomething wife and mom and wayyy girly-girl that I would enjoy SO MUCH the BAM BAM BAM BAM of using a hammer. Delighted Husband just looks over at me and grins. He can't believe it either.

It's just SO FUN to build stuff!
God, I love being human.

Living the Sacred Romance

Today was such a gift. I swear. The entire day I was romanced and pursued and treated to delights big and and small. And Delighted Husband had nothing to do with it.

Cool thing about repentance. When I surrender as soon as God shows me I missed the mark, the sun comes out and life feels full color again.

Whenever I get rid of idols in my life, God seems to have fun rushing in to romance me and welcome me back.

I had the sweetest dream last night. Not just an un-bad dream. Not just the lack of a nightmare, but a dream of an experience that was was rich and so sweet my soul felt nourished when I wakened. I dreamed that Delighted Husband and I had dinner with our friends...another couple whose hearts we are fond of and admire. We arrived at their home for a cookout and the welcome on their faces was immersion. The feeling of being welcomed and delighted in washed over me. I felt so good to see them. And they felt so good to see me. I could just tell.

My brain was in a groove so I got into high gear organizing my office. It felt so good to begin to put things to right in my office. This Summer season was busy and little by little I reclaimed "a place for everything and everything in its place".

I ran out to run an errand at lunch and realized I would be going right by one of Delighted Husband's vendors. I called and asked him if there was anything he'd like me to drop off or pick up there and sure enough, he needed something. This Summer I was nearly drowning in roundtuits and guests and customers and vendors so it had been a while since I offered to run an errand for Delighted Husband. I could tell tell he was shocked in a good way to be asked. The usual this Summer was for him to beg me to run an errand and after 3 days of reminders I'd finally remember and finish it. So it felt so good to be able to offer.and deliver the same day.

I had fun chatting for a minute with DH's vendor. He's worked with that vendor for years and I know her from some of his work events. It just made my day to be able to greet a friend I hadn't seen in months. She bragged on my hair told me it looked great. I took this as a total bonus from God because I had just this morning been plotting to take myself in for some scheduled maintenance at the salon. But it felt so good to hear her sincere complement today. It meant alot.

I found myself near one of my favorite restaurants and I did something I had never done there before. I ate lunch by myself. I'm a gabber (as if you couldn't tell!) and I love to get out of the office and socialize with other humans (besides the customer on the other end of my endlessly ringing phone.) And I would have much rather eaten out with a friend but I was hungry. And I was there. So I summoned a little shot of bravery and went right on in. They seated me immediately which Never happens there since it's such a good restaurant. I didn't quite have the nerve to dawdle alone, so I aked the waiter what entree was fastest and he recommended a particular salad. It was the tastiest salad I have had in months. I was so busy gratefully consuming my salad (which was formed into an Aztec pyramid shape) that it took me a while to recognize the waiter's kindness and good service had morphed into flirting. I am so naive like that. It's hard to believe what with me wearing a wedding band that any man would go ahead and flirt anyway. I didn't feel icked out or intimidated. It's not like he asked me for a date. He just asked if I worked nearby and grinned and said "see you tomorrow!". I just felt flattered and grateful for the human interaction. After this long exhausting lonely Summer, it meant a lot.

As I was leaving the restaurant, I noticed a florist I'd always wanted to visit. Every time I'd been to that restaurant, DH and I had been doing the hustle trying to get back home for the babysitter so I'd never stopped in at the florist. I imagined the stack of phone messages waiting for me at the office, but I decided to give myself 10 minutes.

I wandered in and was delighted to see it was one of those charming mom & pop florists...cluttered with scented candles and cute gifty items. A lanky kid in his early twenties appeared from around the corner, grinned at me and asked if he could help. I told him I used to hang out at florist with my mom when I was a kid and I hadn't been in a florist with a little time to kill in years. "I didn't see much in your cooler up front, is there any more?" He grinned again, said "sure, there's more in the back", and just like that, I got the backstage tour back through the designer workstation into the bigggg cooler. It felt so good to stand in that cool room. It's still hot outside where I live. I looked around. There were signs on the shelves indicating price range. $40-$45 is a lot for an impulse buy unplanned expense, but I felt a nudge inside that said "go ahead" so I picked one vase off the shelf then another. "These are just starter vases for inventory" Sweet Blond Lanky Kid said, "we expect you to want to customize it a bit."

Customize it? Oh my. I'm livin' large just buying myself flowers not from a grocery store as it is. But I really did like the look of those Stargazer lilies in that bucket over in the corner, so I turned around to hand him the vase. Only it wasn't Sweet Blonde Lanky Kid, it was the designer. She was a petite brunette with kind brown eyes. "What would you like to add?" I swallowed and did the math in my head. Adding the lilies to my $45 arrangement would probably end of costing me fifty bucks. I considered asking her to pare down the vase before adding the lilies but it seemed mean and stingy to cull out the pink baby callas that blended so sweetly with the other flowers, I decided to go for it. I summoned more bravery. "Just add one of those Stargazers here in the middle and I think I"ll be good to go." I went upfront to wait by the cash register, enjoying smelling the scented candles and chatting with other customers.

The designer rang up my order. She only charged me 30 bucks. I managed not to gape my surprize but smiled and said "thank you" as I handed her my card. Then I thought out loud"how in the world am I gonna drive and hold a vase of flowers?" The grocery store flowers I am used to come in a paper and lay nicely on the carseat. "No problem, Kind Eyed Designer said, I"ll get you a bucket." I wasn't quite sure what that meant. But in 2 minutes Kind Eyed Designer emerged from her workshop carrying a plain black bucket, with my sweet little vase nestled in white gift tissue. It looked like a gift bag from a party. The other customer gasped with delight. So did I.

I gathered up my purse and magazines and then the other customer said "Can I help you to your car?" I smiled and said "Well sure an open door would be nice." She said "Oh no let me help" and she gathered up my little bucket o' flowers and walked with me to my car. I buckled the bucket into the front passenger seat just like Kind Eyed Designer told me to and thanked the other customer. "Have a great day" she said. "How could I not?" I replied.

I felt like Queen for a Day. A nice healthy yummy lunch out, stunning flowers all for forty bucks. This had God written all over it.

So to send Him my thank you note, I opened my sunroof, put on my sunglasses, and grinned my biggest grin right up at the sun. I drove back to work singing along with Chris Rice while the airconditioner blasted swirling coolness all around me.

Now I"m sneaking into Heaven with a borrowed halo
Hoping no-one notices my broken wings
Sneaking through these gates thinkin Lord Have Mercy
I'm never gonna make it if its up to me.

Hey mister Pedro, I have a little confession
I don't belong here and this halo isn't mine
Peter laughed and said
"son haven't you noticed we've all been broken and now we're doin' just fine"
cause nobody's good enough up here we're all the same
we all get to Heaven under someone else's name

I feel so alive. I feel so romanced and treated to love's little niceties.
And my beloved husband had nothing to do with it.
Sometimes the one who romances us best of all is God. -SW

Let the Music Move You

One of the biggest dimensions to living a life of pleasure as a sensuous wife is how I feel and act when nobody's looking except my Creator. Music is such a huge part of that. This morning while I was standing in front of the stove whipping up a batch of omega 3 swedish pancakes (gotta get in that guerrilla nutrition whenever I can!) the song I was listening to went from Exquisite Cathedral to Groove Dog in just a few bars. I let myself enjoy it. I swayed and sashayed around the kitchen, letting my wrists do a writhey-twirly thing like a Bollywood movie. I had so much fun I burned one batch of pancakes. I'd do it again.

Better 6 partially burned pancakes with a groovin' happy wife then 8 perfect pancakes with an annoyed and itchin' wife.

The song, as you groovin' wives will doubtless want to know, is The Call on Michael W Smith's Freedom album. -SW