Something Changed Inside Me

I've found myself humming this song countless times over the last 5 days. Sarah Groves has this uncanny ability to say just what I want to say. Only I didn't know I needed to say it. Until I hear her say it, and it's like finding a piece of your self in the lost and found and needing, wanting, reclaiming, rejoicing all in a split second. God love ya, Sarah. I certainly do.

For all who are thirsty....the bar is open!

for all who are thirsty
all who are weak
come to the fountain
dip your heart in the springs of life
let the pain and the sorrow
be washed away
on the waves of his mercy
as deep cries out to deep
we sing
come Lord Jesus come

Oh friends!
The good news of Jesus is too good to be true.
but it is.
It is true.

My friend Gemma posted an Easter sermon that just touched my heart right where it needed to be touched.

Oh friends, I am weeping as I type.
I have so many roles and responsibilities.
There is never enough time to do them all.
Something is always left undone.
I dodge bullets all the time. Deadlines. Customers. Vendors. Defensive driving affidavit that must be notarized and returned on time. I found out this weekend that my driver's license expired on my birthday. Gotta get that renewed. In person. For a photo. My desk is loaded with paper. It's the stuff of life. I'm not saying my load is any harder than anyone else's. But I realized today how much I live my life under the gun. Perpetually behind on something. If I can take care of the people I love and do right by the relationships God has blessed me with, and keep the most pressing paperwork needs taken care of, then I figure I'm doing all right. Relationships are very very important to me. So I make the other stuff wait their place in line. But I didn't realize how often I am mentally looking over my shoulder. Sort of a spiritually and emotionally "on the lam". I'm not breaking any laws on a regular basis. Well except for the fact that I have been driving without a license for quite some time (Lordy!) but in general, I'm doing good. I'm offering love and beauty and living a life that pleases God. So why do I feel so perpetually behind all the time? The line of people who want a piece of me is a long line.

I didn't realize all this was playing like background noise in my heart until I read:

For the Lord is gracious and receives the last even as the first.

The Lord gives rest to those who come at the eleventh hour,
even as to those who toiled from the beginning.

To one and all the Lord gives generously.
The Lord accepts the offering of every work.
The Lord honours every deed and commends their intention.

Let us all enter into the joy of the Lord!

First and last alike, receive your reward.
Rich and poor, rejoice together!

Conscientious and lazy, celebrate the day!
You who have kept the fast, and you who have not,
rejoice, this day, for the table is bountifully spread!

Feast royally, for the calf is fatted.
Let no one go away hungry.
Partake, all, of the banquet of faith.
Enjoy the bounty of the Lord's goodness!
—A PASCHAL SERMON by St. John Chrysostom (347-407)

It's as though Jesus is saying, "those of you who cannot or did not get it right, you come to the party anyway. Come and enjoy darlings, with no reproach or misgiving or ill will. Come and enjoy. Come and dine. Feast, even. Drink deeply and enjoy. My grace and paid the bill and invited you. The bar is open."

Oh thank you Jesus.
Yes, I believe I will.

And thank you Gemma. For yes I did need to be reminded that this fast paced overloaded culture I'm living in where the goals are not always achievable and the pace is not always healthy, just becuase my to do list runneth over doesn't mean I need to live under a chronic sense of lowgrade failure or disappointment. I'm loving God and loving people and applying my energy to all the tasks set before me knowing at the getgo that they will never all get done. I'm showing up and loving God and loving people and doing my best to do right by my responsibilities. And by the grace of God, that's enough. Heck, if I WASN'T loving God, loving people, and doing my best, by the grace of God that's enough. It's enough. He is enough. He is my enough. I have outsourced my enough and my vendor's name is Jesus. Bless his holy name.

Stay Sensuous

A dear friend of mine closed our conversation with those words.
and you know what?
He was absolutely right.

It's so easy to get caught up in the cares of this life and forget to stay sensuous and deliberately remain alive to pleasure.

One of the things that really inspires me to keep the home fires simmering is to read stories from another wife who is enthusiastically enjoying her husband. And just such a wife shared her story and I was inspired. Please allow me to introduce my new friend Gemma. She's wayyy in love with her husband, Gemma's Ravisher, and she's not ashamed to talk about it. I admire her candor and her passion for her husband and her God. Now, dearies, if frank sexy talk offends you, then perhaps Gemma's not your cup of tea. The rest of you, enjoy! I think Gemma poses an excellent question, "Why do spouses allow the busyness of life to take priority over their sex lives? Would someone please give me a good reason "why"??? What could be more important than tending to our passion for each other?"
Last night Delighted Husband and did a little something about that. Okay a big something. Okay, a shagfest. He was a little surprized at my fervor since it had only been a few days but for me a few days with nary a sexual thought or twinge of desire is an ETERNITY. But we're all back on track. I squirm just remembering. (ooooh)

God is good. Giving me the little nudge in the right direction. He knows what I need better than I do. And what I needed was several doses of Delighted Husband Love.

Gift-Giving

I learn so much—such spiritual insight is revealed in the process of gift-giving.
When I bought the gift, I imagined the person's needs and desires and picked something that would meet a need or want or bless them unexpectedly in some way. All I wanted was for them to enjoy it and feel my love for them in their enjoyment.
I found people's different reactions to my gifts very poignant. Very telling.

One gift recipient gave me a look of annoyance and said, "I thought we talked about this and agreed we weren't going to do this." I gave them something beautiful and they chided me. It hurt. Not as much as you might think, but it hurt. I was mostly sad and more than a bit mystified by the worldview that sees a gift given generously with a heart of love as a chideable offense. What kind of person sees love and grows indignant?

Then there's this reaction.
I gave my favorite old school technophobe her first mp3 player loaded with every album of her favorite artist. She smiled shyly, and said, "You'll have to teach me how to use it" as she began to push buttons with random curiosity. But as soon as the earphones were in her ears and she heard the music, she blissed out right there in the midst of the noisy gameroom. A freight train could have driven by the sofa and she would have paid no attention. Her sister smiled and commented to me, "I think you can consider this a hit."

My favorite response was the child who couldn't get the pom-poms I gave her out of the box fast enough. She ran the box over to her Daddy for him to manhandle the box. Once she had the pom-poms out of the box, she put on a little show for us right there in the living room. Not that she was trying to impress us. No. She was just so unashamed and uninhibited in her joy that she didn't mind if we saw her and if we wanted to laugh with delight or applaud, well that was fine too.

Typing this post today, it is more pregnant with meaning than it was when I scribbled the gist of the post the day after Christmas. Especially in the light of the questions I just raised in my last post. Because I see the heart of God so clearly in these words, "All I wanted was for them to enjoy it and feel my love for them in their enjoyment." God has given me two marvelous gifts. The gift to perceive and experience erotic love with my husband. And the gift to communicate my feelings thoughts and experiences using words. Maybe all God wants from me as the recipient of his gifts is to enjoy them and to feel His love for me in my enjoyment.

He gives generously, after anticipating our needs and desires. And what pleases Him most is when we receive his gift, delight in it, and don't get hung up on paying him back, just enjoy. And a thank you thrown in with our whoops of delight brings gladness to His heart.

And I learned so much from my little girl with the pom-poms. Not that she was trying to impress us. No. She was just so unashamed and uninhibited in her joy that she didn't mind if we saw her and if we wanted to laugh with delight or applaud, well that was fine too. Sounds like a good attitude for me to adopt when I decide to post a report from the field of erotic joy.

To quote my friend Eleutheros, "God, I love being Human!"