Thursday, November 29, 2007

Rhythm of Life

It's give and take
the dance of life
endless rhythm
pulsing all around us
through us
the song you dance
and not

I wept two times today.
Both times sincerely and deeply.
First, I wept this morning
in my neighbor's kitchen.
She invited me over
for coffee
and surprized me
with a breathtaking angel sculpture
earthy and living
in her rough-hewn wooden beauty.
The note read
"I pray for you
and your family
every day.
I am so thankful
for your friendship.
I love you."

Blindsided by her unexpected gift
I wept
as I received
her tenderness.
Wondrous surprise
thinking yourself
finding yourself
with deep true affection.
Is there anything like it in all the world?
An infusion of life force.
She gave out her love energy
and I took it into my heart
received it fully
embraced her energy
embraced her.

I wept again this afternoon.
For another girlfriend
as she shared
of the cold and lonely
she and her husband
are frozen in, stuck in
like cold sticky mud
engulfing a wagon wheel
leaving love stranded.

I wept for her
not that I willed it
or tried to
but I let the tears come
as they wanted.
this flood of sympathy
and urgent desire
that God would anoint my tears
use them
to wash away the mud
holding her and her man captive
make them
freed up
to love one another again.

I wept because holding it back
would be painful.
I wept and prayed
until God let me know
I was done.

buoyed up
by the peace
that only comes
from letting the life force inside you
come out
toward the one you're giving your love to
I felt my heart
exquisitely alive
with calm self-possession.
As though
I could feel
the heartbeats
within me
like a far off drum:

This is the rhythm of life.
The wordless tune
that love sings
in our heart
in our blood.

I thought of my husband
grateful for him
all the sticky mud
God washed off us
freed us from.

I realized the rhythm of life
is Eros
pulsing life force
of the heart

I saw the metaphor
how intercourse
embodies this rhythm.
and I wanted him.
Inside me.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Erotic Mystic: Musings on God and Sex...Part 2

"To the extent that a man and woman have settled for a dull genital relationship, they have settled for a marriage that is a very inadequate reflection of God's love for mankind."
—Andrew Greeley, Sexual Intimacy Love and Play

What happens well or doesn't happen well or maybe doesn't happen between the marital sheets means far more than whether or not we had a good time. Way more. The dynamics of the bedroom (or the kitchen or game room) have great implications on the rest of our lives. When sex is good, the lighthearted dynamics spill over into every other area of our lives. When sex is bad, or doesn't happen for an extended drought, the dreary impoverished dynamics spill over into every other area of our lives.

I've known this by experience for quite some time. But Andrew takes it further, making the bold claim that the timbre tone and quality of married sex is a reflection of God's love for mankind. The wordless spirit atmosphere of a home where generous satisfying sex dwells says essentially, "God is a good generous God and there is plenty of love in this world and goodness happens on a regular basis."

In other words, it's not all about us. The life we live screams either doom or hope to those who are watching and listening to our nonverbal dialogs with our spouse.

Andrew Greeley goes on to say:
"It is to be presumed that most married couples do not view the art of sexual intercourse as a reflection of Yahweh's fidelity, after all, it occurs in the privacy of their bedroom with the door closed and the lights dim. How could they possibly believe that improving their skills at bringing each other pleasure reflects God's implacable commitment to his people?

They don't think of these things, in all likelihood, because nobody has ever suggested to them that the quality of their love —of which sexual intercourse is of course at the very center—is the most effective way they have of revealing God's love to the rest of the world. To the extent that [a husband and wife] are committed to improving the surprise and pleasure, the excitement, the challenge of what goes on between the sheets, then they are reflecting God's commitment to his people."

Good sex takes time, loving dedication, focused adoring attention, faithfulness, passion and steadfast commitment to learn your partner's body by heart. All of these are characteristics of the God who invented sex. Imagine that! Art is a window into the heart of the artist. And the character traits of good sex tell us volumes about the heart of the good God that created sex. -SW

Friday, November 23, 2007

Those new LED Christmas lights kick ass!

Can I say ass at Christmas? (laughing) Not very ladylike, but oh well. Seriously, folks, those LED lights pack a real wallop. They are bright! And cheap enough to leave on all the time. Woo-Hoo!
Christmas makes me giddy. Can you tell? -SW

Thankful for Laughter

After driving and driving, Delighted Husband, Dear Children and I had the most fun Thanksgiving Day we've ever had. What really defined this year's Thanksgiving was laughter. Everyone in the extended family seemed really to give in to the laughter. We goofed off and giggled and joked and teased and carried on until one of the Dear Grandmas shushed us collectively as our guffaws were in danger of waking one of the Dear Grandbabies. So we bit our lips and giggled and chortled in a muffled tone.

Sure there was the Obligatory Family Member With Their Knickers in a Twist, but we didn't let 'em stop the rest of us from having a good time. In fact, OFMWTKINAT disappeared some time between dinner and dessert. I'm not sure if they snuck off to one of the guestrooms to take a nap or what. But the marvelous thing was no one engaged in vocal disagreement with OFMWTKINAT, we just let him do his thing and we did ours. Love that!

The food was really stellar.
Each of the ladies prepared their specialty and wow was it good. And speaking of food, let me tell you a really kewl side effect of having dealt with my food issues this year. Thanks to the principles of OA, all the food I eat is no longer seasoned with guilt. If I'm eating sober, I'm eating guilt-free. Period. I didn't realize this was my first guilt-free Thanksgiving until one of my extended family members lifted a forkful of turkey and dressing and said to me, "oh this is sinful!". They were complementing the food and beating themselves up at the same time. And that's when it hit me. I don't do that anymore. This is my first guilt-free Thanksgiving Feast. And my eyes got shiny with tears of gratitude as I stood there in the Dear Grandma's kitchen. -SW

Friday, November 16, 2007

Erotic Mystic: Musings on God and Sex

I was fascinated by this quote by artist Tom Cubbage:

"You have an Irish Catholic background. How did you resolve the conflict between that upbringing and your shooting nudes?
I finally figured out that if it (portraying nudes) was good enough for the Sistine Chapel, then it wasn't going to hurt me to do it. In Oklahoma here, we’re very much in the Bible Belt, and you don’t have camera clubs doing figure art... It's some of the best art there is, so if you want to do it, you just need to forget about what people say.
On my website, I have an article about the time I was working with a model who was in the middle of an emotional crisis. At first I thought, "This isn’t going to work." But we kept talking and, while we were, I just kept shooting. I came away with… beautiful and haunting pictures… in which you could touch the pain.
When I look back on that experience, it’s hard to say there’s anything wrong with doing figure art… It (the experience) had so much spirituality and God presence in it. There are a lot of people who go to church on Sunday because they know that's what they're supposed to do, and I don’t think they ever have an encounter with a living God. Yet there are photographers who have this experience whenever they shoot nudes. I don’t know how you can explain it to those who haven’t experienced this, but if you’ve been there and it's happened, then you know it."

Why do I think the human body could contain so much God presence in it?
Because women are created by the Master Artist. and if your heart is in the right place, you can notice and applaud the artist's handiwork and praise the artist not the art. That's easier for me to say because I am straight as an arrow so I can look at a female nude and experience artistic joy not sexual attraction. But there's something there. There's that glimpse of Eden when you see a glimpse of Original Created Glory. Back when we were all naked and unashamed because there was no sin in the world and therefore nothing icky or shameful about nudity.

I say this having endured years of sexual abuse from boys who were influenced and driven by porn. I know what porn can do (victimless crime pshaw!) but this ain't porn. Not all artistic representations of the human body are porn. And there's a beauty lost that's reclaimed by this kind of art. And I am exceedingly grateful.

Beauty reclaimed is one of my favorite things on earth. -SW

Thursday, November 15, 2007

The Orgasmic Diet

I keep getting emails asking me about The Orgasmic Diet. ;)
I'm sure I'll have more to say about it as the weeks go on, but I will say a few practical things in answer to the most frequently asked questions.

How do you tell if the fish oil capsules are high-quality?
Okay as to how to tell if its high quality or not, look at the label. For every 1 gram of fat, there should be a combined total of over 500 mg of EFA and DHA. In other words if its not more than half EFA and DHA, then its full of unrefined junk and will make you burp.

What is the dosage?
As to the dosage, there's a great big chart in the book that goes by body weight. Marrena went to a lot of time and trouble to write her book so I don't feel right about publishing her dosage chart. You can get the book for 30% off on Amazon.

What kind of fish oil do you take?
I don't mind telling you this since I spent some time shopping around and finding the high-quality fish oil in the right proportion for the lowest price. I take Mega Fish Oil EPA-DHA and Neuromins DHA, both from Vitamin Shoppe. I really like this combo because I can take the EPA during the day to keep my mind sharp during the number-crunching workday and I can take the DHA with dinner to prime my body for (ahem) responsiveness later in the evening. (blush)

Anything else?
Why yes, thank you for asking! LOL Eating a protein and vegetable diet combined with fish oil can be a lot for your body to digest. I find I digest and assimilate nutrients better when I take an enzyme supplement with meals.

There's more to The Orgasmic Diet than food and fish oil—as I said, Marrena did a great job writing this book—but I think this is enough for now to address the emails I've been getting. -SW

Embracing Life then Carrying it With You

There's more to my life then going from one sensuous experience to the next. There's this cool God thing that happens when the sensuous and the gratitude mix and somehow I take in the big picture of Love. Art tells us about the heart of the Artist. Gifts tell us about the heart of the Giver. And the Giver and Artist of Love is God. When we experience Beauty, it changes us, in a transformative good way. And (here's the cool part!) we carry that Beauty inside us. We carry that conversational friendship with The Great Artist with us. So, in a profound human moving way, we are never alone.

Li-Young Lee says it best:
"Oh, to take what we love inside,
to carry within us an orchard,
to eat not only the skin, but the shade,
not only the sugar, but the days,
to hold the fruit in our hands, adore it, then bite into
the round jubilance of peach."

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Forever and For Always

I've always loved this song and seeing the video was sooo beautiful. The greyhaired couple who embrace on the beach and in their hearts they are still the same kids who fell in love. That's precious!

Interesting sidenote, since I've had my awakening I am no longer "offended" by Shania's obvious vibrant and alive sexuality. Preawakening, I would have said something like "that's such a sweet love song why does she have to go and ruin it by adding all the sexy body language?" Now I just smile knowingly and say "you go girl".

It seems to me....that having a vibrant and alive sexuality that is aimed at each other is one of the ways you get to be a greyhaired couple who still embrace on the beach. -SW

Utube video

I've got this great post I want to include a utube video in the article.
Does anybody know how to do this?
I'd be grateful for some how-to.

Friday, November 9, 2007

From Survivor to Thriver: : Experiencing Heart-Stopping, Joy-Filled Sex that Makes You Want to Shout Hallelujah

Lately my prayer time has been mostly thanking God for the amazing joy and completeness I’ve been experiencing in my marriage bed. I have been thanking God not only for this fantastic outcome he’s given me, but also remembering and praising him for all the restoration he’s done in my heart and body that has brought me to this point. While many women struggle with their sexuality, being sexually abused as a child and adolescent made my struggle especially hard. I read many articles that discussed sexual abuse. They began with denial, described the counseling process, and ended with the survivor forgiving the perpetrator. But I always wondered what happens next? When does the survivor become a thriver? What does Biblically restored sexuality look like? Is true wholeness really possible? Can you really be both healed and hot?

I am not a professional counselor. That is neither my calling nor my professional training. Like the woman at the well, I have been loved by Jesus and transformed by the way he saw me. I echo the cry of the blind man Jesus healed who said, “All I can tell you is that once I was blind but now I can see.” I once was broken and fragmented and encased in shame. Now I am alive and whole and infinitely grateful that God made me a woman. I am not perfect, but I am whole and satisfied. I have walked the path of sexual recovery for fifteen years. This is my story.

To use a construction metaphor, before God could rebuild my heart and body, he had to tear down all the toxic ruins that were there before. The earlier part of my journey was dissecting and removing the bad sex that had so harmed my girlhood and adolescence and young adulthood. The latest part of my journey is all about learning and discovering the What and How and Why of good healthy sex. I like this part so much better. It’s so much more fun to build than to tear down. And the subject matter of healthy sex is as lovely as the subject matter of abusive sex is gross and nauseating. Who wouldn’t rather work in a gourmet kitchen than a municipal sewer? BUT I know that God and I would have never gotten to this bliss without first rooting up all the toxic “ugh” in my heart and getting rid of it. I worked hard to stay in the process and allow God to detox my heart and mind and body and God—the merciful powerful one—he did it!

And now I’m in the season of building, restoring and growing and there’s no fear or regret or sorrow or skeletons in the closet. No lumps of scary stuff in the foundation. Just solid, smooth bedrock. Unshakable. Hallelujah! Proverbs 10:22 says, “The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich and he adds no sorrow with it”. Put me down as a witness, ladies. It’s the truth!

So I started to think back, and I asked myself, “What are some of the things God did in my life to bring me to this point of wholeness and joy?” So here they are, sisters.

In order to enjoy the fullness of my sexuality, God allowed me to:

1. Became convinced of God’s love for me
Come on, you didn’t think number one would be some secret sexual technique did ya? Now before you roll your eyes and think I’m over spiritualizing, just hear me out. Before I could receive, pursue and lay hold of any good gift from God, I had to know in my heart of hearts that he was FOR me and that he had made me WORTHY. When I experienced change, even positive change in such an intimate part of my life, I needed a constant, a true North, a “no matter what I know this is true”. I am convinced that God is for me and that he loves me without measure. This is my anchor.

2. Became convinced I have a beauty to offer
Sex is all about offering and discovery, giving and receiving. You can’t come to the party if you don’t have a gift to exchange! God began to show me that I have a unique beauty and strength and tenderness in my heart and body. Every woman does. Captivating describes this dynamic so well. Knowing this in my heart is what draws my husband to me. Believing that I have a beauty to offer allows me to embrace the joy of inviting my husband to share what I have to offer. “I am my Beloved’s and his desire is for me” Song of Solomon 7:10. Ask the Lord to show you what a healthy sexual experience looks like. Ask Jesus to allow you to see yourself as you truly are.

3. Became content in my unique blend of beauty and “fallen-ness”
While we are surely willing for the Lord to continue to change us and grow us up and give us victory in our struggle with the fallen human nature, we can be content where we are right now at this point in our journey. We can know, right at this moment—that we are lovely and perfectly acceptable to God RIGHT NOW. Not because of us, but because of Jesus. Romans 5:8 says “while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.” Ephesians 2:13 remind us that “we who were far away have been made near by the blood of Christ”. This is not to make us complacent and unwilling to grow. This is to make us content and able to grow. There is a deep peace that only comes from embracing the fact that we are all sinners embraced and rescued by a gracious God. Receiving this grace and extending it to ourselves is key. Forgiveness is for everyone. Even me.

4. Developed a delight and admiration for my own body and how God made it.
This was not about whether my breasts are the right size. This was about looking at all the bones and joints and muscles in my body with the eye of an engineer and seeing how well I was designed. This was about looking at my eye color and skin color and hair color with the eye of an artist and seeing how I am made with such artistry and care. Once I began to learn how intricate and beautifully made my body is—including my genitals—I was astounded. I am just as beautiful as any other part of creation. Mountains are beautiful without trying. Oceans are beautiful without trying. A bird in flight is beautiful without trying. So am I. So are you.

5. Received a humbleness and humility to become willing to learn how to care for and enjoy the body God gave me.
So this is not the body I would have picked out on the showroom floor. Oh, well. It’s the only place I have to live this side of heaven. I told myself “Deal with it!’ I replaced the phrase “I don’t like this part of my body” with “what does it need?” This was the time for me to recognize and deal with any medical issues. Especially when it concerned my sexual health. Hormonal or endocrine imbalances were taking the fuel from my fire. God led me to an endocrinologist and we corrected the imbalance. Many gynecological issues like fibroids, prolapsed uterus or endometriosis can cause painful intercourse. I looked around to find an OB that would take me seriously and address my specific problem and address the specific cause. I can’t emphasize enough how important this was for me. It was really hard for me to experience physical and emotional oneness with my husband when I was wincing and squinting from pain during intercourse. Eliminating this pain changed our life! Many other health issues can affect how you experience your sexuality. Since I had a chronic health condition I had to learn to give myself the extra care I needed. I started thinking about myself as a well-tuned machine. I gave my car regular tune-ups, so I learned to give my own body scheduled maintenance. Which brings us to exercise. When I think about exercise, I no longer think “guilt” and “should” and “past failure”. Instead, I think “what muscles will I need to strengthen so I can participate in a sexual encounter long enough to reach climax?” I asked a physical therapist to recommend exercises that strengthened my back, my abs, and my pelvis. I had to think strategically. It took some nerve to consult a trainer or physical therapist to select exercises, but it was well worth it. For me, exercise is no longer about the punishing “Gimme 10” from junior high gym class. Instead exercise is preparation for great sex. Sounds more fun doesn’t it?

6. Developed a contentment and acceptance of my husband’s unique blend of strength and “fallen-ness”
I had already given myself permission to be both fallen and forgiven. Could I give my husband any less? He is mine after all. And what might this look like in practical behavior? I want to think of something that illustrates my point without tattling on my man. Okay, theoretically (not that this happened) but what if my hubby procrastinated on our family tax return and I noticed a nasty “you’re late” notice when I innocently walked out to the mailbox. I could have come unglued…and while I may or may not actually have cursed, I could have easily let fly some shaming response like “What the HELL is WRONG with YOU?!!” Instead I could choose to go out of the earshot of the children, look him in the eye and say quietly and with conviction, “Honey, you probably already know about this, but this letter says we have a serious problem. I’m scared. What is your plan and how can I help?” Even when my husband made a mistake that could potentially affect me, I learned to treat him with respect. I gave him permission to be both fallen and forgiven. Being both fallen and forgiven is just being human. This gave us the space to be human and accepted and helped me to eliminate resentment from my heart. Nothing kills arousal like resentment.

It is important to mention that if your husband’s “fallen-ness” is showing itself by sexually, physically, or verbally abusing you, you will not be loving him or honoring God by continuing to allow that to happen. Stop reading this article and make a plan to talk to a pastor or counselor face-to-face within the next 24 hours. Get some coaching and encouragement on how to invite your husband to look at these destructive behaviors and to move toward a healthy fulfilling relationship with you.

7. Recognized that my healthy sexuality is for me and my husband
Heart-stopping, joy-filled sex that makes us want to shout hallelujah happens between husbands and wives. I am talking about sex with my husband and with no one else. Does this mean that unmarried couples can’t experience some joy in lovemaking? No. of course they can. Sex is a beautiful thing and nearly everyone appreciates beauty when they see it. BUT, I’m not aiming to experience just a little bit of joy with a bitter guilty aftertaste. Remember, when the Lord blesses you, he doesn’t add any sorrow with it.
Girls, I came to the place where I began repeatedly asking God to show me the real deal, the whole enchilada, sex the way he designed it. Sex that offers maximum joy with no toxic fallout. I believe that this rare and precious flower only blooms in the greenhouse. Something this gorgeous and fragile and amazing only happens in its natural habitat—the sacred covenant of marriage.

8. Recognized that my healthy sexuality is cherished by God regardless of my marital status.
So much of my healing happened when I was single. If you are single today when you read this article, HOORAY! You are SO on the right track to make friends with your sexuality and pursue healing now. Today is the right time to start believing for all the good gifts that God has intended for you. You will be able to live a more free and healthy life as a single woman and take less toxic fallout into your marriage. Lisa Graham McMinn’s excellent book Sexuality and Holy Longing says that healthy sexuality is not only about the act of physical lovemaking but also about recognizing and cherishing your gender and celebrating how God made you now. She even goes so far as to say, "When self-pleasuring can be done so that it recognizes longing, celebrates sexual pleasure, and is neither explotative nor a substitute for relationship with others, then it can be a way to stretch toward authentic sexuality." I happen to agree with her. Another book that has a lot to say about cultivating a healthy sexuality while single is Soul Virgins. I wish this book had been written back when I was single!

9. By the grace of God, and in response to the man I married, I developed an unshakable conviction that my husband is for me and that he loves me without condition
By choosing to commit to each other while we navigated some rough circumstances, my husband and I began to build up a nest egg in our emotional bank account. There is much power in knowing without question that whatever life brings, your husband has your back and you have his—even if you happen to be temporarily pissed off at each other at the time. I’m talking about a holy alliance that says, “whatever happens Darlin’, when the shit hits the fan, you can count on me.” God gave the two of us a powerful spirit-mind-body alliance to each other. This is the love that says, “You’re my best friend, and I’m here for you, and I will always love you—whether or not I happen to like you at the moment.”

This dynamic was beautifully illustrated in Andrew Greeley’s book Golden Years. In the story, Rosemarie, a mother in her late forties tells her teenage daughter Mary Margaret how their marriage bloomed after Rosemarie’s husband Chuck planned an intervention so Rosemarie could receive treatment for alcoholism. “Father Packy says a marriage only becomes a sacrament when it survives a big crisis. Our marriage was a sacrament after that, and you, young woman, were the first fruit of our sacrament.” Glory to God!

10. Became willing for God to remove any toxic sexual messages or toxic sexual experiences from my heart
This was a 10 year season of recovery for my heart. Chuck Swindoll calls a season of emotional healing Killing Giants and Pulling Thorns. While Swindoll wasn’t talking about recovery from sexual abuse or sexual sin, the thorn metaphor fits here. My heart has been made good because of Jesus sacrifice. The thorns in my heart (sinful abusive sexual attitudes and behaviors) needed to be pulled out of my heart. Depending on how much toxic fallout is in your heart, this can take a while. Months or even years. But please believe me, after God brought me through this process, while the memory of the abuse and sin does remain in my mind, the toxicity and the paralyzing pain is really gone from my heart. Counseling, support groups, and other recovery resources were a part of this process. Some books that were special to me were Healing for Damaged Emotions by David Seamands Door of Hope by Jan Frank and Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I spent several weeks in each book in the company of women who loved me and were also seeking God for their own healing. Working with a counselor was a wonderful partnership between the counselor, me and God. The counselor helped me to identify the thorn of another’s abuse toward me, and the resulting tears in my heart. The counselor could encourage me while we invited Jesus to come into those tears one by one and heal them. This kind of “exploratory heart surgery” followed by healing prayer can be nothing short of miraculous. It changed me forever. Theophostic Prayer Ministries trains individuals to minister this kind of healing prayer.

11. I began to pray and ask God to remove fear from my heart
One of the most destructive effects of sexual abuse is how it caused me to fear my own heart and my own body instead of having a healthy fear of predators. My girlfriends have told me that in our world where rape and abuse sometimes happen, even women who haven’t been violated can become afraid of their own sexuality. Afraid if they look pretty they will be victimized. Losing this fear was absolutely crucial allowing me to enjoy my sexuality, because it doesn’t matter how much tenderness or skill my husband had if I was afraid to go there—receive it and enjoy it. When I could wear my Saturday night lingerie under my Tuesday morning dress, walk through a shopping center or office building, and notice an admiring glance or two (not a predatory leer), receive the unspoken compliment and smile to myself and whisper “Thank you Lord for making me beautiful and making me safe”—I knew I was there. Experiencing this for the first time felt like winning an Oscar and the Nobel Peace Prize at the same time.

Prayer is the key here. I had several precious girlfriends pray for me that God would remove this fear of looking attractive, fear of losing weight and fear to acknowledge that God made me a sexual being. These dear sisters prayed for months for this delicate issue. Day by day, I started to become aware that I was no longer paralyzed by this fear. God began to show me that I was at the same time “amazingly intricately beautifully made” (Psalm 139) and at the same time secure and safe from harm because I “dwell in the secret place of the Most High” (Psalm 91). This means we can be beautiful and possess a sexuality that is alive and at the same time be safe and protected by Almighty God. That, my dear sisters, is a powerful and joyful and fruitful place to be.

12. I became humble and teachable and asked God to teach me whatever I needed to learn about how to enjoy my body.
God helped me to develop a willingness to learn about lovemaking techniques balanced with a godly discernment. I can tell you from experience, if you go to an internet search engine page and type “sex education”, beware. Some of the links will be thinly veiled porn. Listen to your discerning heart as you learn.

My husband and I worked with a sex therapist and it was one of the most healing beautiful difficult fruitful things I have ever done. There were attitudes and behavior we needed to unlearn. And there were attitudes and behaviors we needed to learn. Our therapist coached us through big and small important life lessons as we learned how to be mature and playful lovers. The three books that meant the world to us during that season were A Celebration of Sex, Intimate Issues and Passionate Marriage. We learned that an intimate marriage plus mature lovers equals a fulfilling sex life. I was surprised but happy to learn that a deeply passionate relationship doesn’t just happen because you love each other. Our therapist taught us the good news that specific disciplines can be practiced over time that will help us create mature, exciting intimacy—and if we ask, God will teach us these disciplines. Over the course of a few months of regularly meeting with the sex therapist, God taught us these truths at a deep level. We are and are still learning to be unconditionally committed, confidently secure then wildly adventurous, emotionally passionate, mysteriously creative, sensuously celebrating, totally present, and erotically adored. Experiencing these disciplines and learning how to be this way with each other is the hottest, most freeing and beautiful redemptive thing I’ve ever experienced. It took everything in our heart crying out to God and being humble through the growth process. But we did it all for the glory of love. What an unfathomable bond to be classmates in the school of erotic maturity together! There is no other man I could or would go through this process with than my honey. He is my soulmate. And it was staggering to begin to see God as my coach and advocate. Once I began to see the disciplines it would take for me to experience erotic maturity, I knew I couldn’t do it alone. It was overwhelming what growth was required of me. And that led me to cry out to God and I was shocked to find Him my advocate and not my judge. God wanted me to learn these disciplines because God wanted me to experience erotic maturity joy and freedom. Dude! This shocked the hell out of me. To really believe on a soul deep level that God wanted me to experience joy and contentment and pleasure in our marriage bed. Oh yes. Yes he does.

In this relational context, learning about techniques and toys was fun and exciting. I’ve read lots and lots of books on sex and I learned to adopt a buffet mentality and take what I like and leave the rest. The same author who advocated threesomes (no thanks!) taught me a lot about the g-spot (yes please!). I learned what I needed to learn and left the rest. I am both eager and discerning and these attitudes have helped me learn a lot of really fun techniques.

Here are a few resources if you think you might benefit from working with a sex therapist. is a great resource for referrals and information from the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists. I've talked about them here before. Many of the therapists there are in private practice. You may also want to check out the website for Christian Sex Therapists Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner. Their book Restoring the Pleasure is a wonderful roadmap to overcoming roadblocks on the road to wedded bedded bliss. I found a lot of advice and encouragement on a ministry that promotes education on sex and intimacy for married Christians. Their ladies’ website thegenerouswife was a wonderful place for me to learn and pray with other ladies who were also seeking healing in their marriages. God gave me tremendous encouragement that He desires body and soul restoration for all men and women when I attended a Created and Redeemed seminar. Other resources that may be a part of this process include: a therapist certified by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, educational books, educational videos recommended by a therapist or healthcare provider, and a visit to a physician who specialized in sexual health, such as the center for female sexuality or the center for women's sexual health. Since hormone imbalances can cause sexual dysfunction, an endocrinologist may be an important member of your healing team.

While talking to your current OB/GYN is a great place to start, it is important to mention that many OB/GYNs do not specialize in sexual health per se but in reproductive health. They are not the same thing. Sexual health is about having fun. Reproductive health is about having babies. You may want to consider telling your OB/GYN that you are ready to deal with sexual dysfunction and not necessarily pursue pregnancy and delivery. Ask them if they can help you with that. Keep in mind that while babies are beautiful and darling and they’re a wonderful addition to your family, you can get pregnant and deliver a healthy child while still experiencing sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction. I know. I did it, and I’ve talked to many women who have too.

So there they are…twelve healing restorative wonderful things that God has done for me. As you can well imagine, my heart is full of thanksgiving. Here’s the best part: I’m no different than any other of God's daughters. He will do it for you too if you ask him. Remember, that the God who inspired the Song of Solomon also lovingly created every inch of your body. I believe he wants you to enjoy it. Really.

I’ll leave you with 2nd Samuel 23:5 that says.
"Is it not true my house is with God?
For He has established an everlasting covenant with me,
ordered and secured in every [detail].
Will He not bring about
my whole salvation and [my] every desire?"

Ladies, this is restoration. Ask God for it!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Scheduled Sex and Being Too Tired

I'm learning that saving time to be together is important and that you don't have to feel energetic and horny before you walk in the bedroom in order to have a beautiful pleasurable evening. Some of you have known this for years. For me, it's big news.

I knew Delighted Husband and I had saved this evening for each other. And on evenings we plan to be together, I usually save some mental and physical energy for him and deliberately think carnal thoughts all day in anticipation. But I didn't this last time. I had a good but busy day at work, had an emotionally uplifting lunch with my girlfriends, and had a challenging couple of hours helping the DC with their homework and coaching them through several tudes. By the end of the two hours, I felt wrung out like a sponge. I went to DH and said "I need skin to skin for a few minutes. I"m worn out." He was quick to oblige, as he had heard me calmly standing my ground with the children who were trying to turn "bitch moan and argue with mom" into an Olympic sport.

We locked ourselves in our room and quickly got naked for some cuddles. I sighed with comfort and pleasure as I nestled into his arms. "Remind me" I asked. And so he did. Delighted Husband gave me two or three sentences reminding me good things about myself. Words of affirmation and physical touch together are a powerful combination. I began to feel myself recharge, like a dead cell phone on a charger lighting up again. We cuddled and caressed each other and without trying, words spilled out of my mouth, complimenting him and loving on him. Reminding him what a wonderful man he was. Which took absolutely no effort to come up with affirming words considering how loving he had just shown himself to be.

This wasn't steamy talk by any means. Our skin-to-skin contact was for bonding and affirmation, not arousing. It was the "sharing your heart's life force" definition of Eros, not the "tingly thrilling do me" definition of Eros. Our fifteen minutes passed quickly and the doorbell ringing with the first trick or treaters told us our time was up.

I went to get dinner going and DH took over door duty with the trick or treaters.

Dinner was yummy and punctuated by doorbell ringing every few minutes. It was fun to chat with the neighbors, although difficult to eat between visitors, but what do we expect?

Finally got the DC tucked in after their sugar rush, and DH and I knew our "date" time had arrived. We were both tired and achy, but wanted to be together. Both of us said something to this effect while we were standing in the kitchen. We decided to go for it and see what God might do for us.

Walking in our bedroom and locking the door was an act of faith. We had zero tingly erotic urgency. Our muscles were tired and achy. But we felt emotionally connected and a desire to make the most of the opportunity. After all, we were in our bedroom at 9pm with kids already tucked in their own beds. Just watching TV or going to sleep would feel like we squandered an opportunity.

I suggested a massage and spread the liberator throe over the comforter to keep massage oil off the bed. After joking over whose turn it would be first, I laid down on my back with my knees supported by the liberator whirl. This is where the first of many miracles happened. It didn't take five minutes of smelling him and feeling him touch me that I was very aroused. As our arousal became more visible, we kept joking, "I'm too tired" "Oh me too. I'm way too tired." That position actually did become tiring for Delighted Husband so we switched so he could lie down with the whirl under his knees. I became the active pleasurer which I enjoyed very much. DH let me know how much pleasure he was receiving which of course made my heart feel that good feeling you get inside when you know somebody is enjoying the gift you gave them. It was also a huge turn-on. We warmed to the task. Delighted Husband became the active pleasurer again, while I rocked happily. He asked me to hand him a certain toy while he told me what he was about to do to me and how he knew I was going to respond. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Gazing into his eyes, I came in about 6 seconds, which surprized the heck out of both of us. How'd we do that? We're too tired!

After I caught my breath, we switched to our favorite finish position. Delighted Husband positioned me the way he wanted me, which is such a small simple thing, but I love that because it demonstrates our being relaxed and comfortable and his matter-of-fact intent to take me which is just such an emotional rush. I have no idea how long we made love because time stood still. Smiling into his eyes while watching my husband come is one of the sweetest spiritual and emotional experiences I've ever had. He is magnificent.

Once we came back down to earth, told each other it was time for a quick shower and then sleep, cause we really were tired. Shower was shared and quick with much grinning at each other. I happened to glance at the clock on my way back to bed from the shower. It was 9:30!

"Oh My God! Honey, look, soup to nuts this whole lovemaking was 30 minutes! Can you believe it?" To say we both thanked God would be putting it mildly. I thank God for the toy and pillows that helped us coax pleasure out of an evening when the spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. I suspect that the DHA and EPA supplements I took for the last few days may have had something to do with my quick response. (I'm on The Orgasmic Diet which is another article). Most of all, I believe miracles still happen. Even in the marriage bed. I blame this miracle on our generous loving God rewarding our small act of faith of locking the door even though we were too tired. -SW