Monday, March 24, 2008

The Pleasure of Surrender

My friend Eleutheros wrote something the other day that just made my jaw drop for the sheer force of the truth he shared. At first, all I could say was "Oh my God. Yes! Yes!"

I've touched on this topic as an aside in other discussions, but I've never seen it put so succinctly before.

Writing to another awakened wife (my friend Gemma) Eleutheros wrote:

[quote]As your awakening progressed, begining with your decision to not refuse sex to your husband, it likely struck something positive in your core to find that you enjoyed submitting yourself to your husband's sexuality. It tickled you inside, didn't it, to find yourself not just enjoying sex wantonly with him but craving it!
And in delivering yourself over to this wantoness, to this found the power in your sexuality to pleasure yourself with your husband's love. And I'm sure, when you saw the delight in your husbands positive responses to your wantoness, your beautiful feminine soul felt a deep fullfillment that you never expected to find you were capable of experiencing.[/quote]

This is the beauty of how a husband's and wife's eroticism feed off each other, egging each other on until their passion takes on this beautiful spiral a sexual chambered nautilus of eroticism.

This dynamic of letting go inside and surrendering myself to the passion, letting myself let my hair down and just revel in it, this is high-octane powerful stuff! This can happen alone, in fact the first awakenings of this feeling happened in the sacred interior of my woman heart as I embraced and made friends with my sexuality. Reading books on sexuality, learning how to pleasure myself were important parts of this process. But the heat kicked up to a whole nother level when I started revealing my newly-minted wantonness to my husband. Whoa, baby!

I offered myself and he took me greedily and with fervor. And when he did, I remember the moment I completely let go and let myself get off on his craving, his loving, his wanting, his taking. It was a huge personal risk inside to let myself want him that badly. To let myself want his wanting that badly. Because wanting that badly runs a risk of dissapointment. I had matured enough as a person that I was convinced my sexuality was good and I was okay (David Schnarch calls this holding on tightly to yourself) so as I said it remember the moment I first gave into the craving.
Not tolerance (well okay if you want to
not desire (hey I'd really like it if we..)
not passion (yes! I want to)
but craving (OMG yes! yes! if you stop thrusting within me I will simply die).
It was in that encounter that I had one of my first vaginal orgasms.
Christopher McCluskey calls this Apex Surrender Control to Each Other.
David Schnarch calls this Wall Socket Sex.
I call it fucking.

Body and soul, I literally take pleasure in abandoning myself to my husband's loving.

Like a chambered nautilus, the surrender goes in stages and spirals building a beautiful momentum. In order to surrender to my husband's love, I had to surrender to my self to my own eroticism, and in order to surrender to my self my own eroticism I had to surrender to God. And the joy of fully inhabiting the sexual nature of our covenant makes my husband and I want to worship God which brings us full circle in a beautiful spiral of love.

I have come to believe that some risks are worth taking. I have literally come to this belief through one soul-shaking orgasm after another, my body and heart have learned it is good to want my husband wantonly. Risky? Lordy yes! Letting yourself truly want anything that much is a risk becuase if you are dissapointed you will feel the dissapointment keenly. But there is such a thing as a good risk. And surrendering to the sexuality God placed within me and craving that sexuality, reveling in it with my husband is a real good risk. He is a good man and surrender to his his love for me is a very good risk.

It would show lack of integrity on my part if I didn't reveal that like every other human, I sometimes experience dissapointment. As wonderful as my Delighted Husband is, we are opposite enough to attract and opposite enough to sometimes disagree or misunderstand each other. Lordy, how he can piss me off! Lordy how I can piss him off! When we get our signals crossed and out of synch with each other, it's awful. And we've learned to communicate through those roadblocks, pray, seek wise counsel and get back on track. Every couple goes through temporary disconnects.

But there is another risk that is also costly and that is the risk of never taking a risk. If I die tomorrow, I am deeply grateful that I fully lived. I have fully inhabited the feminine sexual body and feminine sexual heart God gave me and I gratefully consider it a risk worth taking.


Eleutheros said...

Wow. Did I sat all that?!?

Well, SW, I certianly can't deny, nor will I confirm, saying what was said for all that I didn't say, but was read into what I said and might have said, if I hadn't of said, at all, what I said. Nor am I not admitting to not saying what you read in what I said- for what you read that I said; for it's obvious that from what you read and from what you read I said that you read what I said and get it.

Sorry... been listening to to much political news lately...

Actually, dear sister, you said what I said a lot better than I did- You said it from your beautiful woman's heart, the place where what I said is more than a simple observation of the power in being a woman plugged into her sexuality, but a reality.

You define feminine sexuality with your heart!

Isn't it great to be human!


Anonymous said...

SW, like you, embracing my sexuality initially happened to me while I was alone only with one difference--- In my case, I was becoming "REacquainted" with my long lost friend whom I hadn't seen in over 25 years.

Regarding your "If I die tomorrow" comment... GR is slightly more than 5 years older than I. Not that that means he will die first but before my awakening, I remember receiving thoughts that went like this: What if GR were to die tomorrow. Would I have any regrets over the way we are relating to each other? Would I go on not only grieving the loss of him but also grieving what never was and what should have been? Or what if I died first. Would he be forced to grieve over what never was and should have been? Oh, how that thought pierced through to the inner core of my soul!


Cocotte said...

Sensuous Wife said, "It was a huge personal risk inside to let myself want him that badly. To let myself want his wanting that badly. Because wanting that badly runs a risk of dissapointment."

And I say YES to this! I believe it's something that many couples never come to realize, and why so many marriages end in divorce. I've seen men and women give 80% of themselves to their spouses, and then wonder where the magic went? Giving yourself 100% fully to another human being is so very hard, but so very worth it. In a way, it's similar to the difficulty many people have letting go and letting Jesus be the Lord of their life.

Thanks for the powerful reminder SW and Eleutheros!

Howard said...

I think a key to what you've described as the 'beautiful spiral' of erotic love is the 'letting go' and 'surrender' you define at the heart of your intent and actions.
Alexander Lowen, in the work, 'Love and Orgasm' wrote: "good sex is entirely an act of giving of self. Satisfaction results from the full and free surrender to your partner in the passion and wonder of this event. Without such a surrender, genuine sexual satisfaction cannot be achieved. In other words, only when love-making is from the whole - when the heart is joined entirely to our sexual actions - is it possible to know a truly deep and satisfying sexual orgasm within sexual love. If sexual happiness is relatively rare in our day, it is because individuals have essentially lost the ability to give themselves this fully to one another".

This, of course, so marries with Christ's words about truly finding life - essentially 'loosing' ourselves to gain something far more profound. Once again, then, we find a pearl of genuine spirituality not detached from the physical and the sensual, but prized from it's richest expression.


Anonymous said...

I'm unmarried and still a virgin (in my 30's), so perhaps I shouldn't be reading this on some puritanical level, but, well, I did.

Anyway, maybe I'll understand more fully when my desires and imaginations give way to actual reality one day if God should give me a husband - in other words, I have to admit that any reaction I have to your writings is definitely not backed up by experience. But I just hafta wonder -

Why is it that marital sex is so often painted as a difficult thing for women to enter into or enjoy? Unmarried teenager girls often cannot contain desire and the sexual opportunities presented to them, and have sex often enough - they don't go dragging their feet to their teenage lovers' sexual advances. Why is it that christian married women so often present sex as something that takes so much work for them to want or to truly enjoy?

I am so eager for the day when a man might take me completely and utterly in love for one another before the Lord. Is it really so hard in actuality? Will I really have to work on it so much or won't it just be able to be something that we rush into with joy and longing naturally, easily, with innocence and overwhelming desire and excitement?

Sensuous Wife said...

Dear Anonymous,
Sweetheart, there is no way for me to know exactly what your first time will be like. I wish for you with all of my heart that it is a passionate beautiful orgasmic soul-affirming experience.

In answer to your question, why do married women often find it so hard to enter into and enjoy married sex when unmarried teenage girls often cannot and do not contain themselves?

Well the first thing that comes to mind as a reason is married women have such a hard time letting themselves go and abandoning themselves to marital pleasures is that when they were teenage girls they could not and did not contain themselves. The mind is a harsh judge, and the mind/body connection is strong. So often even after a woman believes God forgives her for sex that was too soon, she has a very difficult time forgiving herself and this judge in her head keeps the party in her loins from throwing all the confetti they rightfully deserve while partying with her husband.

Shannon Ethridge made a beautiful illustration of this dynamic when she was on Good Morning America. She said so many women internalize the message that bad girls do and nice girls don't. So they get off on bad girl sex. When they put that wedding ring on their finger, it may take much longer than the 5 seconds to put the wedding ring on their finger to convince their mind and heart and body that good girls do, they do it often and they do it with great pleasure that uninhibited pleasure gives them a strong bond with their husband. That's the core message of my novels, that sex doesn't have to be bad to be good. Good sex can be verrrry verrrry good. ;)

Another factor, another potential obstacle to a married woman truly entering into sweet erotic abandon with her husband is messages of shame soaked into her body by other people in her life who treated her body with disrespect or outright abuse. I've been very upfront in my story (see My Story in sidebar) and in the first year of my blog that "my first sexual experience, hell, my first era of sexual experiences, were coerced, and of a very abusive nature". These wounds left shrapnel in my heart and in my mind and through the strong mind/body connection, even in my body. For a long time, places that my abusers touched me would sound off horrid memories of shame and disgust every time that part of my body was touched again. Even when touched by my loving husband. The body/mind connection is strong. And God designed our skin to have a direct hotline to our memory. With the intended purpose to be that we are strongly bonded to our husband by the myriad of pleasurable loving safe passionate GOOD feelings we experience every time that part of our body is touched. The icky sad difficult but not impossible thing is when that part of our body is touched by an abuser and the skin/bonding/memory system built into our heart and body is activated, what we body memory bond to is bad sex, bad feelings and an unhealthy person who had NO business doing what they just did to us. The body has to unlearn. The heart has to unlearn. The mind has to unlearn. But God's healing power is strong. His desire to heal us is unflagging. So we go to safe people, receive love and prayer and therapy and we unlearn the bad stuff and learn the good stuff. It takes time.

So dear one, I had a lot of bad stuff to unlearn. Of course, the wish from my deep heart for you and for every other woman is that you don't have such horrid messages to unlearn. That you can entrust your self to the care of God and entrust your body and heart to the loving tender erotic care of your husband, unleash your feminine force on him and together have the time of your lives! That's the idea, darling!

(big smile)SW

One more thing, as a 30 year old single lady you are most welcome here. My welcome message asks that those under 18 invite their mom to come enjoy my blog or come back when they are older. Hot married sex is worth waiting for, trust me! You are over 18 and desiring healthy sex. So darlin' you are welcome to hang out here and read. I'd love to be a part of your journey toward healthy hot sex with your husband. I'd be honored!

Anonymous said...

To all those older virgins out there waiting for the day:

I am here to hopfully warn you to be checked out by a GYN years before marriage. I didn't think it was necessary b/c I didn't believe in Pap smears due to not having any intercourse ever. So,I stayed ignorant mainly b/c I did not have a Mother who was open to discuss these things. I am close to 60 now and just married for the first time this yr. Due to no activity (I guess)or aging, I have Vaginimus(vagina opening too small for the penis) and have used dialators to open me up for intercourse. Then after that was achieved, right away I got a bad and painful yeast infection. With no health ins. and no success with over the counter meds, I am now going to spend alot of money for a get a clean bill of health b/f any vaginal sex. My faith tells me that b/c God designed it then I will have the sex life you all talk about. Right now, my husband is beginning to get down and says that I do not seem to want to pleasure him and that I seem to be the only one getting any pleasure from out intimate times. I say to him,"tell me how..I am new to all this remember"? I think he needs to communicate how. I wanted to know if anyone out there would comment on how to pleasure a husband that b/c of medical reasons we are not having intercourse. Thanks, Anonymous

Sensuous Wife said...

Welcome Anonymous. I'm sorry you're having to go through that! I invite you to take a look at Offering Each Other Connection and Relief When She Has Chronic Pain.