A Single Reader Asks: Why Do Married Women Have Such a Hard Time Enjoying Sex?

I get the sweetest letters from y'all. Some letters seeking advice. Some letters sharing their story of overcoming and then coming coming coming. (twinkly-eyed Mona Lisa smile) The letter I'm going to share with you today arrived in the form of a comment. The comment is still on the post she commented on. But there are so many posts. So many comments, that I wanted to bring this one up front and center. Good stuff, darlings. Enjoy.

I'm unmarried and still a virgin (in my 30's), so perhaps I shouldn't be reading this on some puritanical level, but, well, I did.

Anyway, maybe I'll understand more fully when my desires and imaginations give way to actual reality one day if God should give me a husband - in other words, I have to admit that any reaction I have to your writings is definitely not backed up by experience. But I just hafta wonder -

Why is it that marital sex is so often painted as a difficult thing for women to enter into or enjoy? Unmarried teenager girls often cannot contain desire and the sexual opportunities presented to them, and have sex often enough - they don't go dragging their feet to their teenage lovers' sexual advances. Why is it that christian married women so often present sex as something that takes so much work for them to want or to truly enjoy?

I am so eager for the day when a man might take me completely and utterly in love for one another before the Lord. Is it really so hard in actuality? Will I really have to work on it so much or won't it just be able to be something that we rush into with joy and longing naturally, easily, with innocence and overwhelming desire and excitement?



Dear Anonymous,
Sweetheart, there is no way for me to know exactly what your first time will be like. I wish for you with all of my heart that it is a passionate beautiful orgasmic soul-affirming experience.

In answer to your question, why do married women often find it so hard to enter into and enjoy married sex when unmarried teenage girls often cannot and do not contain themselves?

Well the first thing that comes to mind as a reason is married women have such a hard time letting themselves go and abandoning themselves to marital pleasures is that when they were teenage girls they could not and did not contain themselves. The mind is a harsh judge, and the mind/body connection is strong. So often even after a woman believes God forgives her for sex that was too soon, she has a very difficult time forgiving herself and this judge in her head keeps the party in her loins from throwing all the confetti they rightfully deserve while partying with her husband.

Shannon Ethridge made a beautiful illustration of this dynamic when she was on The Today Show. She said so many women internalize the message that bad girls do and nice girls don't. So (my paraphrase here) they get off on bad girl sex. When they put that wedding ring on their finger, it may take much longer than the 5 seconds to put the wedding ring on their finger to convince their mind and heart and body that good girls do, they do it often and they do it with great pleasure that uninhibited pleasure gives them a strong bond with their husband. That's the core message of my novels, that sex doesn't have to be bad to be good. Good sex can be verrrry verrrry good. ;)

Another factor, another potential obstacle to a married woman truly entering into sweet erotic abandon with her husband is messages of shame soaked into her body by other people in her life who treated her body with disrespect or outright abuse. I've been very upfront in my story (see My Story in sidebar) and in the first year of my blog that "my first sexual experience, hell, my first era of sexual experiences, were coerced, and of a very abusive nature". These wounds left shrapnel in my heart and in my mind and through the strong mind/body connection, even in my body. For a long time, places that my abusers touched me would sound off horrid memories of shame and disgust every time that part of my body was touched again. Even when touched by my loving husband. The body/mind connection is strong. And God designed our skin to have a direct hotline to our memory. With the intended purpose to be that we are strongly bonded to our husband by the myriad of pleasurable loving safe passionate GOOD feelings we experience every time that part of our body is touched. The icky sad difficult but not impossible thing is when that part of our body is touched by an abuser and the skin/bonding/memory system built into our heart and body is activated, what we body memory bond to is bad sex, bad feelings and an unhealthy person who had NO business doing what they just did to us. The body has to unlearn. The heart has to unlearn. The mind has to unlearn. But God's healing power is strong. His desire to heal us is unflagging. So we go to safe people, receive love and prayer and therapy and we unlearn the bad stuff and learn the good stuff. It takes time.

So dear one, I had a lot of bad stuff to unlearn. Of course, the wish from my deep heart for you and for every other woman is that you don't have such horrid messages to unlearn. That you can entrust your self to the care of God and entrust your body and heart to the loving tender erotic care of your husband, unleash your feminine force on him and together have the time of your lives! That's the idea, darling!

(big smile)SW

One more thing, as a 30 year old single lady you are most welcome here. My welcome message asks that those under 18 invite their mom to come enjoy my blog or come back when they are older. Hot married sex is worth waiting for, trust me! You are over 18 and desiring healthy sex. So darlin' you are welcome to hang out here and read. I'd love to be a part of your journey toward healthy hot sex with your husband. I'd be honored!

The Fuel-Efficient Shagmobile

I can die now. My life is complete. I have just used the word shagmobile in an article title. (cue Austin Powers) Oh beHAVE!!

After all the fun we had talking about the day Delighted Husband and I traded in our big comfy van, I thought I'd post an update or two about the new wheels.


First of all, some of you know how fond I am of long walks and bike rides out in God's Green Earth.
Now, I can transport my bike with ease. More than 1 bike if one of the kids or Delighted Husband wants to come biking with me. This is way cool.





Speaking of shagging. We weren't, but I never let that stop me before. (giggling)
As I said, field testing for the effability of the new SUV has not yet been completed.
Our accessories have just arrived.
Wooo hoo! Oh babysitter, where art thou?

New Direction

Hey y'all. Remember when I said, "I wish there was a way for me to get paid to talk about love in all its forms, sex, marriage, healing, personal growth, and receiving all the joy our five senses have to offer." Well God is granting me the desire of my heart.

I'm gonna get to hang out with y'all a lot more often!
and I'm so happy about that!

Remember that husband I was giving some suggestions to when I got the g-spot giggles? Well, right after that, another TMB husband asked me, "are you going to be putting together a recommended toy list with best price links for us?"

and it hit me. Honest to God, I've been so busy with my current job that I forgot. I'm already a Liberator reseller. You know, I actually got the paperwork approved quite some time ago. I am a Liberator reseller. It's my heart to offer Liberator products at a discount with enough profit to make it worth my while. I've got the URL reserved, I just haven't spent the development time and money to do the site.

If y'all would join me in praying about this, it would really mean a lot to me. With my current job coming to an end, now might be the right time to bring the online store to life. I need wisdom and direction as I want to do what's right for my family. As far as I can tell, that means I continue to earn an income. It would mean a lot to me to earn that income by helping women and helping marriages.

Okay. That was Friday.

It's Monday afternoon, and I hardly know where to start, so I guess I'll start by saying Wow!

God was really busy this weekend.
So was I.
In less than an hour since I first posted this prayer need, I've received offers to help get the website started and orders for Liberator products before the first page of the website even goes live!

I remember from waaay back in the day when I did Henry Blackaby's Experiencing God Bible study, he said "pray, and then watch what God does." "God is doing a work and he invites us to join what He is already doing."

God is obviously doing a work healing women and awakening marriages and he is allowing me to tell my story and play a part.

(happy sigh) My God. {literally}

I'm continuing to work on the project management and writing the content for the new site www.sensuouswife.com. In the meantime, the site is forwarded to this blog. Can y'all please pray for a really good CPA who understands e-commerce? So far, everything y'all pray for, God has been serving up on a silver platter, so I'd be dumb not to ask for more!

Love,
SW

PS It means the world to me that I'll be able to work at home with the kids this summer. I'm so deeply grateful. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.

One more thing....
I'm still doing my old job for a while which means I'm working two jobs right now. Please pray for strength and protection and quality time with my family.

For all who are thirsty....the bar is open!

for all who are thirsty
all who are weak
come to the fountain
dip your heart in the springs of life
let the pain and the sorrow
be washed away
on the waves of his mercy
as deep cries out to deep
we sing
come Lord Jesus come

Oh friends!
The good news of Jesus is too good to be true.
but it is.
It is true.

My friend Gemma posted an Easter sermon that just touched my heart right where it needed to be touched.

Oh friends, I am weeping as I type.
I have so many roles and responsibilities.
There is never enough time to do them all.
Something is always left undone.
I dodge bullets all the time. Deadlines. Customers. Vendors. Defensive driving affidavit that must be notarized and returned on time. I found out this weekend that my driver's license expired on my birthday. Gotta get that renewed. In person. For a photo. My desk is loaded with paper. It's the stuff of life. I'm not saying my load is any harder than anyone else's. But I realized today how much I live my life under the gun. Perpetually behind on something. If I can take care of the people I love and do right by the relationships God has blessed me with, and keep the most pressing paperwork needs taken care of, then I figure I'm doing all right. Relationships are very very important to me. So I make the other stuff wait their place in line. But I didn't realize how often I am mentally looking over my shoulder. Sort of a spiritually and emotionally "on the lam". I'm not breaking any laws on a regular basis. Well except for the fact that I have been driving without a license for quite some time (Lordy!) but in general, I'm doing good. I'm offering love and beauty and living a life that pleases God. So why do I feel so perpetually behind all the time? The line of people who want a piece of me is a long line.

I didn't realize all this was playing like background noise in my heart until I read:

For the Lord is gracious and receives the last even as the first.

The Lord gives rest to those who come at the eleventh hour,
even as to those who toiled from the beginning.

To one and all the Lord gives generously.
The Lord accepts the offering of every work.
The Lord honours every deed and commends their intention.

Let us all enter into the joy of the Lord!

First and last alike, receive your reward.
Rich and poor, rejoice together!

Conscientious and lazy, celebrate the day!
You who have kept the fast, and you who have not,
rejoice, this day, for the table is bountifully spread!

Feast royally, for the calf is fatted.
Let no one go away hungry.
Partake, all, of the banquet of faith.
Enjoy the bounty of the Lord's goodness!
—A PASCHAL SERMON by St. John Chrysostom (347-407)

It's as though Jesus is saying, "those of you who cannot or did not get it right, you come to the party anyway. Come and enjoy darlings, with no reproach or misgiving or ill will. Come and enjoy. Come and dine. Feast, even. Drink deeply and enjoy. My grace and paid the bill and invited you. The bar is open."

Oh thank you Jesus.
Yes, I believe I will.

And thank you Gemma. For yes I did need to be reminded that this fast paced overloaded culture I'm living in where the goals are not always achievable and the pace is not always healthy, just becuase my to do list runneth over doesn't mean I need to live under a chronic sense of lowgrade failure or disappointment. I'm loving God and loving people and applying my energy to all the tasks set before me knowing at the getgo that they will never all get done. I'm showing up and loving God and loving people and doing my best to do right by my responsibilities. And by the grace of God, that's enough. Heck, if I WASN'T loving God, loving people, and doing my best, by the grace of God that's enough. It's enough. He is enough. He is my enough. I have outsourced my enough and my vendor's name is Jesus. Bless his holy name.

Those new LED Christmas lights kick ass!

Can I say ass at Christmas? (laughing) Not very ladylike, but oh well. Seriously, folks, those LED lights pack a real wallop. They are bright! And cheap enough to leave on all the time. Woo-Hoo!
Christmas makes me giddy. Can you tell? -SW