Sunday, November 16, 2008

A Single Reader Asks: Why Do Married Women Have Such a Hard Time Enjoying Sex?

I get the sweetest letters from y'all. Some letters seeking advice. Some letters sharing their story of overcoming and then coming coming coming. (twinkly-eyed Mona Lisa smile) The letter I'm going to share with you today arrived in the form of a comment. The comment is still on the post she commented on. But there are so many posts. So many comments, that I wanted to bring this one up front and center. Good stuff, darlings. Enjoy.

I'm unmarried and still a virgin (in my 30's), so perhaps I shouldn't be reading this on some puritanical level, but, well, I did.

Anyway, maybe I'll understand more fully when my desires and imaginations give way to actual reality one day if God should give me a husband - in other words, I have to admit that any reaction I have to your writings is definitely not backed up by experience. But I just hafta wonder -

Why is it that marital sex is so often painted as a difficult thing for women to enter into or enjoy? Unmarried teenager girls often cannot contain desire and the sexual opportunities presented to them, and have sex often enough - they don't go dragging their feet to their teenage lovers' sexual advances. Why is it that christian married women so often present sex as something that takes so much work for them to want or to truly enjoy?

I am so eager for the day when a man might take me completely and utterly in love for one another before the Lord. Is it really so hard in actuality? Will I really have to work on it so much or won't it just be able to be something that we rush into with joy and longing naturally, easily, with innocence and overwhelming desire and excitement?

Dear Anonymous,
Sweetheart, there is no way for me to know exactly what your first time will be like. I wish for you with all of my heart that it is a passionate beautiful orgasmic soul-affirming experience.

In answer to your question, why do married women often find it so hard to enter into and enjoy married sex when unmarried teenage girls often cannot and do not contain themselves?

Well the first thing that comes to mind as a reason is married women have such a hard time letting themselves go and abandoning themselves to marital pleasures is that when they were teenage girls they could not and did not contain themselves. The mind is a harsh judge, and the mind/body connection is strong. So often even after a woman believes God forgives her for sex that was too soon, she has a very difficult time forgiving herself and this judge in her head keeps the party in her loins from throwing all the confetti they rightfully deserve while partying with her husband.

Shannon Ethridge made a beautiful illustration of this dynamic when she was on The Today Show. She said so many women internalize the message that bad girls do and nice girls don't. So (my paraphrase here) they get off on bad girl sex. When they put that wedding ring on their finger, it may take much longer than the 5 seconds to put the wedding ring on their finger to convince their mind and heart and body that good girls do, they do it often and they do it with great pleasure that uninhibited pleasure gives them a strong bond with their husband. That's the core message of my novels, that sex doesn't have to be bad to be good. Good sex can be verrrry verrrry good. ;)

Another factor, another potential obstacle to a married woman truly entering into sweet erotic abandon with her husband is messages of shame soaked into her body by other people in her life who treated her body with disrespect or outright abuse. I've been very upfront in my story (see My Story in sidebar) and in the first year of my blog that "my first sexual experience, hell, my first era of sexual experiences, were coerced, and of a very abusive nature". These wounds left shrapnel in my heart and in my mind and through the strong mind/body connection, even in my body. For a long time, places that my abusers touched me would sound off horrid memories of shame and disgust every time that part of my body was touched again. Even when touched by my loving husband. The body/mind connection is strong. And God designed our skin to have a direct hotline to our memory. With the intended purpose to be that we are strongly bonded to our husband by the myriad of pleasurable loving safe passionate GOOD feelings we experience every time that part of our body is touched. The icky sad difficult but not impossible thing is when that part of our body is touched by an abuser and the skin/bonding/memory system built into our heart and body is activated, what we body memory bond to is bad sex, bad feelings and an unhealthy person who had NO business doing what they just did to us. The body has to unlearn. The heart has to unlearn. The mind has to unlearn. But God's healing power is strong. His desire to heal us is unflagging. So we go to safe people, receive love and prayer and therapy and we unlearn the bad stuff and learn the good stuff. It takes time.

So dear one, I had a lot of bad stuff to unlearn. Of course, the wish from my deep heart for you and for every other woman is that you don't have such horrid messages to unlearn. That you can entrust your self to the care of God and entrust your body and heart to the loving tender erotic care of your husband, unleash your feminine force on him and together have the time of your lives! That's the idea, darling!

(big smile)SW

One more thing, as a 30 year old single lady you are most welcome here. My welcome message asks that those under 18 invite their mom to come enjoy my blog or come back when they are older. Hot married sex is worth waiting for, trust me! You are over 18 and desiring healthy sex. So darlin' you are welcome to hang out here and read. I'd love to be a part of your journey toward healthy hot sex with your husband. I'd be honored!


Cocotte said...

I think it should be pointed out that not all married women have a hard time enjoying sex. I've always loved every minute of it.

But besides what SW said, you have to remember that a five month teen relationship cannot be compared to living day in and day out with someone for decades. Daily life stresses can take the spark out of any flame. Marriage is definitely something you have to work at. Your sexual relationship is just one component of that and both spouses need to work on keeping it fun, fresh and alive.

Sensuous Wife said...

well said, dear Cocotte!

I'm so glad you shared that. Not everyone has the obstacles to overcome that I did.

Good for you, darlin! (and Mr Cocotte) (grin)

Gakkuri Neko said...

You know... I don't know that I have actually commented on your blog before, even though I've been reading for months now. Shyness, maybe, and a worry that as a single woman, I would be unwelcome or at least smirked at.

Thank you for opening so much of yourself in this blog. It is a tremendous help to know that there are Christian women who really "get it". And that even though I was at one time a practioner of "bad girl sex", when my betrothed and I finally marry, the passion I fully intend to share with him will be blessed by God.

What gift could be better? ^_^

Desmond Jones said...

Well, my wife Molly has never had a hard time enjoying sex. At least, it's never seemed so to me. . .

I would agree with what Cocotte said - living with someone day-in, day-out for 'as long as you both shall live' presents certain 'challenges' for 'keeping the spark glowing'. But, our experience has been along the lines of, as we learn to love each other better across the whole of our lives, the sexual component of it just gets richer and richer. . .

I could recommend a book - Holy Sex, by Gregory Popcak; he's Catholic, and writes from a clear Catholic perspective (ie, wrt contraception), but it's just packed with all manner of solid Christian and human wisdom. . .

Kyra said...

I want to add that many of us have difficulty transitioning into a
sexual woman at the end of our asexual days. This can either be
because we've been a Mom and homemaker all day or because we've been in the workforce (or some combination of that). So much of sexual enjoyment for women is in our minds and releasing our minds and hearts into the moment, allowing ourselves to take those precious moments for ourselves without obligation or duty to others inhibiting us.

I think this can take two forms. The first is just simply not turning the mind off from our daytimes. In the middle of being touched and touching we're thinking about laundry or a work task or scheduling an appointment for our kids or something related to the bombardments we have during our days. The second is not turning our minds fully on and into the experience, allowing negativity to creep in or just not being able to be selfish in sexual pleasure and enjoyment.

Although I personally do not share the believe that someone should wait until marriage, I believe it is wise to wait until you are in a committed and mutually loving relationship to first have sex.

In the absence of 'trying someone on' sexually (which I personally think is wise), I think it is smart to spend a great deal of time exploring your own body and your own sexual preferences through self-pleasure. Doing so helps you know your body very well and when you finally do have sex with your husband, you can help teach him how to please you. But it also is a freeing thing and I think enables women to see how truly beautiful our bodies are. Being comfortable with your body is certainly a key to good sex!

Great topic and great discussion of it.

Hugs, K.

Eva Gale said...

May I also offer that self pleasure is not evil. Your nethers will not deform (a Victorian thought) nor will you go blind or have hair sprouting from your hands.

If YOU know what buttons to push *g* you can make sure you are not 'depending' on your husband for your satisfaction-and you can show him exactly how to take you to the stars.

And it doesn't take away the want of a husband. There is nothing that replaces skin on skin with a person you love.

F.P.E. said...

I want to say that I agree with Kyra. When I come home from work I have to do chores as well, not to mention tend to a 3 month old. So it's really hard to just turn on that switch when you are extremely tire. There has been times that I have wanted to have sex (although terrified due to just having a baby) that by the time I put the baby down and the older child is sleep, I'm sleep too. I find myself apologizing to my husband more than ever now.

Tulipsanticipation said...

I love your message, and wish more in the Christian community were open about enjoying married sex!