Friday, June 8, 2007

Desire (Un)Defined

I've been following Pro Deo Sum's discussion on whether or not to go to church. And I'm being really challenged by it. On the surface this may not seem to have anything to do with marriage, but it's been my experience that this dynamic has a heckuva lot to do with marriage. To me, marriage is all about taking all the love, joy, energy and goodness you have and pouring it all over each other every day. If you don't have passion for life then it's difficult to have passion for making love. I've found the love of God to be a proven source for renewing my passion for life. But how to experience that love in community? mmm...I have a lot to learn.

My friend Dena was talking about this dynamic and she said, "Now you're asking good questions...! We don't need "weekly fellowship"... we need LIFE, and He is the way, the truth and the LIFE. We need HIM, and part of being in Him, is being His Body (we, in this highly-individualized society we live in barely understand just how much we NEED one another to live this life!). We each need what each and every other believers has to give, which is of Him. They need what we have to give. We need to connect, as often as He leads, in order to experience Body life. We have to yearn for intimacy with one another, to intentionally pursue relationships that are real, connecting, challenging, fufilling, even invasive. Look at the book of Acts -- they met together as often as possible, to do life, not to "have meetings." Ask Him to knit you together with others of His choosing, which will bless your socks off, challenge your very core, and enable you to experience Him in a very tangible way."

This has been on my heart lately. Especially today. The paradox between needing God and needing other people. I understand the bit about not putting your confidence in man. About not making idols out of people and expecting them to be your God.

However, another truth is steadily attempting to grab my attention and that is: that not everybody is called to go live in the relational wilderness like Grizzly Adams saying "I can get whatever I need just me and God".

THis is so hard to understand and even harder to express so bear with me.

This morning I was praying and praying that verse "like the night watchman waits for the dawn, so my soul longs for you O God.". and I was telling the Lord how much I needed him and needed to sense his prescence and love today. (I know theologically he is always there but I need him to give me the grace to recognize it and perceive it to open my eyes like elijah said 'open his eyes lord' and then elisha could see all the hundreds of angels that were already there.) So anyway, I was just crying out to God and then I said "Lord, I don't want to say this cause I don't want to sound immature like I don't get it because I know you're here and I know you're all I need but Lord I just need to confess to you, God I am so dang lonely." and I didn't sense any conviction from the Holy Spirit like I had said something wrong and it felt really good to be honest.

This paradox is intricately linked to DH & my search for a new church home because I am totally rethinking "what do I need?" from God and from people he puts in my life and from a new home church. I mean to find what you're looking for you have to know what you're looking for. KWIM? Like that proverb that says "a desire fulfilled is sweet to the soul" and I would add "a desire undefined is maddening and nigh impossible to fulfill"

One of the key things I know for sure that DH and I need is the chance to offer our hearts to others and have it received. God has done so much in our lives, our marriages and our hearts and it has just become unbearable to offer that to friends at church and have it not received.

It's almost like I need permission from God to ask for this level of intimacy in friendships because it's so rare and I've been told it's immature to ask for this because I should get everything I need from my personal worship time with God. Like I'm selfish if I ask for more. But then I think well we ARE the body of Christ so if we get what we need from Christ then perchance that would involve another human?

and if you can make any sense out of this post then the gift of wisdom and discernment is surely in operation today!



BigMama said...

I so understand what you're saying here. The ability to be truly authentic with people and not have that rejected is very exciting and scary at the same time. And once it's been rejected a few times (or even just once!), it's easy to simply put on the mask and pretend like you're being honest or you simply withdraw altogether. (Or you can be like me and be a little more "real" than is necessary so you can just be rejected outright and not have to fool with it!)

And to tie it to marriage, the more real and honest we can be with our spouse, the more deep and rewarding our marriage.

Good thoughts. I'll pray that you're able to find the relationship with people who can allow you to feel God's presense even more deeply!

Pro Deo Sum said...

Oh baby, I can SO relate with Alise's reference to being "a little more 'real' than is necessary so you can just be rejected outright and not have to fool with it." I had to laugh. I've done that! Can't seem to break the habit, actually. You know that scripture that tells us to "confess our sins to one another"? Well, I do that. Probably a little too much. Why? Because I don't want anyone to enter a friendship with me under false pretences! LOL

But to bring it back to the marriage topic, it reminded me of courting. When you're first getting to know someone as a potential mate, you don't unload all your garbage on them all at once. You let it trickle out in dribs and drabs, preferably at the same rate their garbage trickles out onto you. (What a gross analagy, huh?) :D

When searching for people with whom you can fellowship, you pretty much have to do the same thing. I'm not sure how; I'm not that great at finding "real" people with whom to fellowship, as I'm in the same boat you are. But I'm learning that we have to start slow -- we can be "real" with people and still not baptize them in all of our garbage all at once. We have control over how much of it we let them see, as we guage how much of it we think they can handle. It's a fine line (so fine I haven't really found it yet, but I know it's around here somewhere).

Heather said...

How funny that I found a fellow TMB-er via Emerging Women!

I really hope you find somewhere you can be happy and fulfilled. We went through a similar journey a couple of years ago and (thank God!) found the perfect place, where we are nurtured and sent out, exactly what we needed. My blog details some of our journey (as well as a lot of ranting!) if you want to take a look.

Now I just have to figure our your TMB username...


Sensuous Wife said...

"exciting and scary at the same time"...absolutely, bigmama! You said it! Thanks for hearing me and for posting so empathetically. and for praying!

pro deo, I'm with you laughing over the "a little more real than is necessary" comment. oh that 'is necessary' point is subjective isn't it? and your point is well taken that intimate friendships are a steady progression of each person revealing their self to the other. It doesn't happen instabang. That would be weird. But there is that kinship you feel with someone who God is working in their life on some of the same places in the heart.

I really should post an update on this because reading The Shack gave me a lot of insight on this post. But you have to seek first and then you find right? :) SW

Sensuous Wife said...

ah! posting at the same time!
Welcome, Heather. yes, that is funny. I'm glad you're here either way. :)SW

Sensuous Wife said...

oh shoot I can't find your email heather. can you email me at :)SW

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