Sunday, May 24, 2009

Divorce

Darlings, I have waited several months until I felt free to speak. Y'all know I have been in grief since January and now I can tell you what I have been grieving. I have been grieving the loss of my marriage.

(waiting for the collective gasp of shock)

I know darlings, I know. I was shocked too. If someone would have told me Delighted Husband would ever have sex with another woman, I would have told them they were out of their mind, that my husband would never do that. My agony and grief cannot be adequately put into words. But I am 5 months into the grieving process and denial, anger, bargaining, sadness are giving way to acceptance. My marriage to Delighted Husband is over. I'm not sure what else to call him but calling him Delighted Husband feels inappropriate. Until another name presents itself, I'll call him Ex.

I want to have no hatred. I made up my mind in the moments just after he told me the news. In the midst of the clean pain, a good decision welled up in my heart. I decided I would not throw away my tenderness, that my heart would remain tender and beautiful and not be overrun with bitterness and hate. I thank God for that choice for it has served me well. I will not allow hatred or revenge to choke out my sexuality and to remove my capacity for joy.

I decided to go ahead with opening my store and continue my blog. My heart and my story did not cease to exist with the end of my marriage. Can I act from the generosity of spirit required to operate a store that promotes great married sex and helps couples enjoy something I can't enjoy right now? Yes, I can. My experience of betrayal and loss has strengthened my resolve to promote healthy sex as a beautiful alternative to adultery. I have experienced the joy and healing power of healthy sex and the horror and grief when sex goes off the rails, and I haven't thrown out my lingerie, my toys, or my feminine energy. I still believe.

My parents have been married more than 40 years. That's my normal. That's how I was raised. That's what I want. In my deep heart, I believe I will someday marry again.

I will survive. And then I will thrive. I've done that before. But you know that already, don't you darlings?
Lots of love,
Shula

20 comments:

Who am I said...

I am so very, sorry for your loss, hurt, pain, disappointment. I admire you for not allowing this to stop your God given ministry.

It is so admirable that you have determined not to be bitter.

As one who was almost divorced against my will, I can relate to many of your emotions, and knowing how much pain I was in at the threat of divorce, it is hard for me to project how much more intense those feelings are for you.

Hang in there.

Kyra said...

You have my admiration, respect, adoration, sisterhood. Love. You are beautiful and I'm privileged to know you.

I admire so much your resolve. And I know in my heart you will thrive, just as you know it.

Always here for you. Big, giant, bear hugs.

Love, K

PS I hope this part is a relief, though I know it must also be painful.

Sue said...

my beautiful friend ....

I have never been more proud of anyone as they walked a hard, dark, and treacherous road like this as I am of you.

Your beautiful heart & spirit shine like the diamonds they are - and are a testament to God, His grace, and His love.

I love you & believe in you - and I know He's got a GOOD plan for you & your future.

I am privileged to call you "friend."

love,
sue

Scyranth said...

Gurl...I am sooo sorry to hear about your divorce...obviously I understand where ur comin from being divorced myself...both my new wife Trish and I fully understand. It does suck but you can get thru it gurl! I'm very happy to see that ur not allowing anger to rule ur life right now because that is very easy to do...and ur not letting revenge or vindictiveness take over. Good job gurl! If you've got any questions you wanna hit me up with do so anytime if you know I'm online...k? Stay strong gurl! Holla back at me on twitter... Peace love and blessings upon you!

JD

Robin Marie said...

My heart and thoughts are with you. I wish there was a way to hug you. I feel the same as these other sisters in their support for you.

At this moment I am angry and ready to cry too. I hate that this has happened to you.

I know the death of your relationship and the death of your "perceived" reality can be as bad as the death of a loved one. I wish you peace and comfort as you finish the grieving process.

You are a beautiful person and I am glad that the enemy has not been able to destroy your heart or your ministry.

Love,
RM

Robin said...

I'm so proud of you for publicly sharing this. I'm praying you will be blessed by it.

Trev Diesel said...

Wow, I'm so very sorry for the hardship and pain you've gone through. And as others have said, your resolve and ability to stay positive is admirable. While the past is difficult to leave behind, I wish you all the blessings on the next leg of life's journey.

Eleutheros said...

AS someone who has been there (divorced because the other was in the wrong) and done that (decided to not let it ruin my heart but to learn from it) I can tell you that there is a rich reward for such righteousness as you have demonstrated throughout this trial.

You know my story and how good it is. Even so, know then that your's is being written, with a pen of glory, even now as I type, by your Father and mine, the Master Story Maker.

You are a good woman, Shula, the true daughter of your Father in the Heaven's. And you know how much He love's it when His children are good.

So, be brave and courageous, Eowyn, for The LORD, your God, is a warrior and he will give you good success wherever you turn, provided that you do not turn to the right or to the left of what he has commanded you to do.

Be good then, even as you were created to be and you will be witness to the hand of Jehovah moving to reveal the fullfillment of your heart's good desires.

Even as you know I have.

With love and prayers

Elyew

Cahleen Hudson said...

I can't tell you how sorry I am! What a brave person you are for sharing this, and how strong you are to not allow yourself to become bitter. You WILL get through this. I'm praying for you.

Love,

Cahleen

Steve said...

Deeply sorry to read the news my friend. I know you're heart, passions, beliefs and wisdom enough to know you do not need advice, you need encouragement and love. So, be strong and courageous, do not tremble nor be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

The Wild Man said...

I share your grief, dear sister. You continue to be in my prayers. May God restore to you all the years that the locust has eaten.

Jasmine said...

Wow. I stumbled on your blog a few months ago, and very much enjoyed it. I am so sorry this happened to you. You both seemed so happy together. As a woman about to be married (in a month) this is scary to me! I hope you'll be able to share a bit more on how/why this happened in the coming days when you're ready. In the meantime, I'm grateful for the lessons you've learned in this marriage and I know you're a strong, courageous woman who will take these lessons and have an even better, stronger marriage in the future. Blessings upon you!

Calle Zorro said...

I was thinking of you today. Sometimes we pray for one thing and get something else. It's because God wants to give us something better. All things work together for good to them that love God. Be encouraged. Your work is needed. Your novels to open up women are critically important. As soon as you can, go write to help the women that God has for you to help. Do it for me. Do it for you. Do it for the good it will bring to the world.

Seeking Answers said...

I'm so sorry for your pain and your grief. I've never actually read your blog before, but the few posts that I have just scanned make me think that you are amazing and strong. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Shula! {{{Hugs}}} My heart hurts so much to hear your sad news. I am so very sorry. I will be praying for you and your whole family...for peace and healing and for the Father to hold you close!
In His Love ~ CW

Tulipsanticipation said...

I am so so sorry. You will be in my prayers for sure. Way to keep going despite everything!

Anonymous said...

Is your Delighted Husband being delighted elsewhere?

Adventures in Stepford said...

Well, I will be damned. You know my grief well, and I am sick that you now know your own. I only wish I hadn't stayed so long afterward, you are way ahead of me on that. Love to you in this transition time. Keep me posted!

Annie said...

Oh I am very sorry, just found you today from Jesus needs new PR - Love the blog!!!

Annie said...

ps - next time I need new toys - I'm shopping here :)