Monday, August 13, 2007

Come Lord Jesus

The question is not Will your heart ever feel desperate need? but What will you do with your desperate need when you feel it? Cause you'll experience desperate need. Everyone does.

Last night was a miserable restless night. A nightmare double feature where every one who has ever been cruel, unkind or rejecting in my life made a cameo appearance. I awoke feeling exhausted and beleaguered. A beggar soul. Bereft and alone. Despair weighed heavy. It was a battle for my heart.

Delighted Husband knew just what to do. He stood in front of me, half polished businessman and half sleepy husband. Thank God he hadn't put his shirt on yet. He drew me to his chest, and enfolded me in his arms. Cradled my head against his chest, his palm blessing my face with protective affection. And he prayed. He prayed for Jesus to defend me from the lies and tell me the truth about who I really am. "Yes" I whispered. "yes" The rejection and sorrow of the dreams fought for airtime on the movie screen in my mind. "tell me Baby. You tell me the truth" and so he did. He held me and caressed my hair and told me simple truth about my redemption. Who I really am. The reality the beauty of my redeemed heart. The good truth.

After Delighted Husband prayed, I had the strength to get out of bed and suit up for battle. I took my show on the road. Literally. I put on my running gear and hit the road. Ready to sweat it out. To let all the negativity be washed away by sunshine and sweat and worship. I scrolled through the songs on my mp3 player till I got to my favorite prayer. The one where John Eldredge prays over all the women at the Captivating retreat. As I walked and stretched and sweated, John did battle on my behalf. It felt so good. I breathed in good air and breathed out "yes. yes. yes Lord Jesus" agreeing with the prayer and renouncing the lies. This went on till John was done praying, a good ten minutes or so.

The noisy toxic chatter now silenced, I switched over to music. Chris Tomlin, God love him, Chris Tomlin was right there singing in my headphones:
What can take a dying man
raise him up to life again
what can heal the wounded soul
what can make us white as snow
what can fill the emptiness
what can mend our broken-ness?
mighty awesome wonderful
is the holy cross
where the lamb lay down his life
to lift us from the fall
mighty is
the power of the cross.

My heart and my muscles warmed up. The sun on my face and the trickle of sweat between my shoulder blades and the stretching moving rhythm of my legs as I picked up speed...all felt like mercy and life. I was waking up from a bad bad dream.

It was a glorious workout.

Stretching and cooldown was paradoxically more about my spirit even as I focused my attention on stretching my muscles. When VineyardUK sang, it felt like a personal invitation, just for me.
all who are thirsty
all who are weak
come to the fountain
dip your heart in the streams of life
let the pain and the sorrow
be washed away
on the waves of this mercy
as deep cries out to deep
we sing
come Lord Jesus come
wontcha come wontcha come Lord?
come Lord Jesus come
come Lord Jesus come

As I sang, I closed my eyes and visualized that place in my heart. That empty lonely place left rejected and alone by all those memories I'd dreamed about last night. I pictured that gap in my heart. And I sang with all the breath in my body:
come Lord Jesus come
wontcha come wontcha come Lord?
come Lord Jesus come
come Lord Jesus come

He did. Oh my God, y'all. He did. I felt those gaps in my heart filling up. The anxiety and insecurity melted away. That hole in my heart where I used to stuff chocolate. Oh my God. I focused on my need and sang out "come Lord Jesus" and he did. He really did.

Oh friends. It is so much easier to be kind when my nagging awful need is dealt with. So much easier to be kind to husband and children and customers and friends. So much easier to be kind, actually kind to my self. So much easier to be the sensuous generous wife I truly desire to be.

So take a lesson, ya'll.
When that place in your solar plexus is so empty is staggers you, cry out "Come Lord Jesus" and he will. He truly will. -SW


Tricia Goyer said...

Have you read "Every Woman's Battle"? I'm reading it and discovering it's exactly what I need for healing!

Sensuous Wife said...

I have read that book but it's been several years. I recall some parts of the book really spoke to my heart and some parts of the book I disagreed with. But I don't recall any part of the book addressing the pain caused by other's rejection. But it's been a long time so maybe I'm missing the connection.

Pro Deo Sum said...

Tag! Thought you might be interested in this one:

Sensuous Wife said...

Ahoy! I've been tagged! :)

A Little Dark said...

Oh yes! My heart is no stranger to desperate need. I feel so jealous you have a wonderful husband to help you through your time. I know I have Jesus as my husband (being a single woman), it just doesn't always feel the same, you know? :-)

Sensuous Wife said...

((((a little dark))))
Thanks for being honest. I knew I ran the risk of readers feeling jealous when I posted this article. One of my friends outright told me "people will be jealous". I went ahead and posted it because when God meets me at my place of deep need and he uses my husband to do that I just have to celebrate that and brag on God a little bit. Because my husband and I have grown through a lot together and those moments are SO worth celebrating.

There was a time that if I read this article I would be jealous too. I'm learning there are 2 kinds of jealousy. There is the jealousy envy really that says "everything that is good is outside the realm of what I have therefore I feel resentful of other's blessings". That kind of envy is the one way ticket to misery. There is also the godly jealousy, desire really that says "God I so want you do that in my life that I will pester you in prayer and let you shape me and change me until that kind of good thing happens in my life". It is my sincere hope you are experiencing the godly desire kind of jealousy not the envy kind of jealousy. I've experienced envy before and it ate my lunch. I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through that.

Yes I do understand it doesn't feel the same to have Jesus as your husband as it would to have a live imperfect human being as your husband. One of them is perfect and always affirming but not physically present in human form and one of them is often affirming and is physically present.
Sounds like you want to be married and you want the comfort and companionship and touch that comes with being married to a good man. Good for you for admitting that desire to yourself and I'm honored you posted here. Those are good desires you have, a little dark! Marriage is a good thing to want.
Lemme say this: I have a good marriage to a good man. I am blessed and grateful. But there are still important moments where I have to run to God for my affirmation instead of to my husband. I don't blog about the times I feel hurt or dissapointed by my husband's words or actions. I don't want to blog rants. But of course those moments do happen for both of us. Good Lord we're both human! :) I just want to say that Jesus did not become obsolete the moment after I walked down the aisle and my husband put the ring on my finger. I am "jealous" of you because you have access to the book Soul Virgins which was not even written when I was single. I wish I had been able to grow from that info before I got married.

Kind of a long response, but your words evoked a lot in my heart. Thank you for sharing your heart like that. -SW

A Little Dark said...

Oh No! I hope I didn't cause you to question your post by my comment! I meant jealous in a good way, really I did!! :-) But regardless, I think it's important you posted everything, even if people do get jealous - the bad kind. Because we need to see GOOd marriages. GOOD things. You know? Otherwise it would be like hiding your light under a bushel. But actually your post gave me hope to hold out for the right person. :-)