Divorce

Darlings, I have waited several months until I felt free to speak. Y'all know I have been in grief since January and now I can tell you what I have been grieving. I have been grieving the loss of my marriage.

(waiting for the collective gasp of shock)

I know darlings, I know. I was shocked too. If someone would have told me Delighted Husband would ever have sex with another woman, I would have told them they were out of their mind, that my husband would never do that. My agony and grief cannot be adequately put into words. But I am 5 months into the grieving process and denial, anger, bargaining, sadness are giving way to acceptance. My marriage to Delighted Husband is over. I'm not sure what else to call him but calling him Delighted Husband feels inappropriate. Until another name presents itself, I'll call him Ex.

I want to have no hatred. I made up my mind in the moments just after he told me the news. In the midst of the clean pain, a good decision welled up in my heart. I decided I would not throw away my tenderness, that my heart would remain tender and beautiful and not be overrun with bitterness and hate. I thank God for that choice for it has served me well. I will not allow hatred or revenge to choke out my sexuality and to remove my capacity for joy.

I decided to go ahead with opening my store and continue my blog. My heart and my story did not cease to exist with the end of my marriage. Can I act from the generosity of spirit required to operate a store that promotes great married sex and helps couples enjoy something I can't enjoy right now? Yes, I can. My experience of betrayal and loss has strengthened my resolve to promote healthy sex as a beautiful alternative to adultery. I have experienced the joy and healing power of healthy sex and the horror and grief when sex goes off the rails, and I haven't thrown out my lingerie, my toys, or my feminine energy. I still believe.

My parents have been married more than 40 years. That's my normal. That's how I was raised. That's what I want. In my deep heart, I believe I will someday marry again.

I will survive. And then I will thrive. I've done that before. But you know that already, don't you darlings?
Lots of love,
Shula

Cardboard Testimony

Sometimes it's good to take stock of where you've been and where you are today.
Sometimes it's real good.

Here's mine:

sexual abuse victim
constant terror and shame
afraid of my own sexuality

passionate healthy marriage
owner sensuouswife.com
encouraging couples to go for healing & hotness

Desire Purpose and Direction all Come Together

When was a teenager at youth missions training camp, one of the speakers said the following:
Someday, soon, all your desire, purpose and direction will all come together.
—Jim Graaf 1987

That was 21 years ago and I remember it—every word.
and here we are.
Those words seem especially, beautifully true today.

My doctor—a lovely brilliant psychiatrist who has taken care of me for ten years—told me this week that I'm the poster child for recovery from abuse and depression. Her comment surprised me as I was just in for a routine med check I didn't expect to talk about the last ten years, just the last 6 months. But she said it and after a brief flash of shyness I smiled, because I knew it was true.

Then she asks me if I'm writing a book to tell my story because I should.
I tell her yes I am and that I have also been writing a blog for over a year. She smiles and says 'creating a high quality blog takes a lot of work and creative energy' and 'you've worked really hard for this. you should be really proud of yourself'.

I paused and took a deep breath and looked in her kind intelligent eyes and said "Healing is its own reward. But I do receive your affirmation."

We part with smiles on both our faces.

I beam silently all the way to the car. Pausing briefly to stand in the office building lobby and remember all the times I have walked past this lobby to her office. Twenty times at least, ten years with every 6 month med checks and a few extra if I was having a bad episode. I think of the meds I no longer take because I no longer need them. I think about the maintenance meds I do take and how gratefully even keel I am now. How good my normal is. And I start for a split second to tear up with sentiment then I say 'no, this is all about celebration' and I stand there silent and hug myself inside and tell the woman inside of me how proud I am of her. I hear Himself whispering love in my thoughts"Baby girl I am so very very very very very very proud of you." I think of all the times I wanted to give up and didn't. And I smile with joy that can find no words.

I want to jump and cheer like my team just won the Superbowl, but there is a solemn feeling that keeps me from doing so. I think of all the horror and grief I waded through to get to this point and solemn joy seems the appropriate response.

I start to call some of my dearest friends to share the moment, but I close the phone and wait. I have such a profound sense of this being a moment just me and God. I walk to the car and then decide it's time to call Delighted Husband. He's been with me for many years of my journey. Our conversation is brief and affectionate. His pager goes off midsentence and we part with quick iloveyou's.

I have the feeling that something momentous has happened and I feel the urge to do like they did in the Old Testament and build an altar. Pile up some stones and scratch out a plaque that says, "Here God did something for me." Something tangible. So I ask Himself what do I do seeing as how piling up boulders really isn't an option for me. He says, "let's go shopping." So Himself takes me shopping at Target looking for something special to remember this day. "You'll know it when you see it" he says. I go straight to the lingerie department—my natural habitat—but nothing feels particularly "it". I feel led walk over to the athletic section of the store and I pick out 4 adorable colorful jogbras and a matching running skort. A size I couldn't fit 6 months ago.

And I remember for a split second how remarkable it is that celebration and rewarding myself does not automatically equal food. And I grin at this private joke and say to Himself in a teasing tone of voice, "Show off!!" because he really has shown off his power in me.

Sexual Redemption Stories

Our life unfolds as a story. Each life story contains darkness and light, pain and healing, suffering and redemption in glory in our own custom-blended mix. Stories really speak to me. Most any story that shows a glimpse of healing or redemption will capture my interest. Since I've been very open about my journey from fractured abuse to whole hotness, you might imagine that stories that portray sexual redemption and healing will find a special place in my heart. Yep, you're right. They do.

I've put a new list on the sidebar called Sexual Redemption Stories. These books tell the story of one human's journey from painful abuse in their past to uninhibited joy with their spouse. Sometimes this uninhibited joy is (cough) rather uninhibited. Erotic even. I feel free to celebrate this married lack of inhibition for the healing that it is, but I realize some people feel uncomfortable with stories of an erotic nature, even if the eroticism is shown in married context. I want y'all to feel inspired not uncomfortable, so I've put an *next to those story titles. I trust you will let your discerning hearts lead you as you read.

I'll say a little about each book I post, by way of introduction, when I add them to the sidebar list.

And I want to hear from you!

Have you read a story that shows a journey away from pain toward uninhibited joy in the marriage bed?

I want to read 'em! And if they speak to me, I'll put 'em on the sidebar.

Any recommendations?

Oh, I guess I should add that I'm looking for stories that have an overall tone of love and redemption where the characters treat each other with love and respect and passion. Sometimes the character's painful past can be a bumpy ride, and I'm okay with that as long as the healing part of the journey is loving, healthy, passionate, respectful and relational destination.

M'kay?

I'm so looking forward to hearing what y'all recommend!