This blog is moving to a new home

I think we've about got all the kinks worked out. So mosey on over to sensuouswife.com/blog and check out the blog's new digs!

If you link to current posts of mine Angela and Kyra I know you do, darlin' then please adjust your links to the new address.

Those of you who left comments this week, I didn't post 'em yet cause I knew the move was comin' up. Can you please re-post your comments on the new blog? Email me at sensuouswife at gmail dot com if you want me to email your comments back to you so you can just copy and paste to repost them.

Love y'all! Be good! See you at the new location!
Love,
Shula

A wife asks: How do I initiate more?

Beloved Annalea asked this great question:
"I'm not the greatest at initiating sex with my husband. I never turn him down and I do make the occassional offer on my own. Though he never fusses at me about it, I know he'd love it if I initiated more. Any ideas?"

Well darlin, my answer is counterintuitive. If you want to really bless him, think about yourself more. I’d encourage you to initiate the things that are likely to arouse you and go for it when you find the sparks fly.

For example:
In the evening, when you step out of the shower and your honey is watching TV, take a hairbrush or comb from the bathroom and walk to the bed still nekkid*, hand him the brush, and say “Baby, brush my hair” and smile. He is very likely to say yes. You’re the only smiling nekkid woman in the room.

Now, this is the most important part: Enjoy it. I mean really enjoy it. Turn your whole focus and attention on your skin and scalp and hair. Lean your naked back against your husband’s chest. Notice how good this simple skin to skin contact feels. Feel the delightful pull of the brush going through your hair. Do not be afraid to sigh and say Ahhhh. Make whatever happy sounds you feel like making.

Now this is the part where your thoughts are so important. Do not allow any other thoughts to enter your head besides “he loves me” and “this feels good” and “I love him”. If any other thoughts enter your mind, let them go, by focusing on your skin and drinking in the sensations.

Imagine your spirit melting into his. Imagine his spirit melting into yours. Pretty soon, you’ll be wanting the rest of you to be touched and petted and fondled.

Move your body to expose whatever you want to be touched. Touch him back. Let yourself drink in the sensation and love you crave.
Give your husband the gift of knowing his wife is totally savoring his every touch.

There are some more overt, hot ways to initiate sex and we’ll talk about those in a future post. But first, I want to encourage this more “self-focused” approach. Get very used to the idea of going to your husband for touch that is loving and feels good. Get accustomed to receiving from him and receiving well. Get in the habit of letting yourself become aroused and following it up by seeking an orgasm with your husband. Train your body and your heart to anticipate pleasure with him and you will automatically find yourself initiating more.

* according to beloved Southern humorist Lewis Grizzard, Naked is having no clothes on, Nekkid is having no clothes on when you're up to sumthin'. (grin)

It's all about YOU

My readers are the best! Y'all add so much to my life and I want to give back to you. I want every reader to feel empowered to see their ideas and questions addressed here. So what sex topics would you like to see addressed here on the sensuous wife blog? I invite you to email me at sensuouswife AT gmail dot com or post a comment. I'll post my answers as a new blog post. Education and discussion is empowering, and I want y'all to have the best sex. Love, Shula

In Full Bloom

I want to show y'all how beautifully the flowers are in full bloom. Aren't they lovely?


I want to live like that. I want to live in full bloom, fully showing my beauty, fully showing my glory, fully sharing my joy. I believe we bloom under the touch of someone who loves us. By bloom I mean we become our best selves, we develop into our full gorgeousness. Gorgeous spirit. Gorgeous body. Can't you just see the sparkle in a woman's eye when she knows she's loved? The peace on her face, the serenity?

Can being loved make you look younger? Research says it can.
According to research done by David Weeks, a clinical neuropsychologist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, making love 3 times a week in a stress-free relationship can make you look 10 years younger. Dr. Weeks studied more than 3500 men and women between the ages of 18 and 102. In his study, a panel of judges viewed the participants through a one way mirror and then guessed the age of each subject. A group of men and women were labeled 'super young' whose ages were underestimated by 7-12 years. Can you imagine?

I want to be like that, don't you? What choices are you willing to make so that you live in full bloom?
Love,
SW

I gave myself roses and chocolate

Oh y'all what a delightful ending to a long but good day~

I spent most of my day working in the office of my new consulting client. (see Holy Crap! I'm a self-employed single mama) While I'm thrilled with the way my store is doing, it will be a while until the store can sustain DC and me. So in the meantime, I'm reviving my corporate career and looking for gigs. I delivered some great results to my client today. They were so happy with the results I showed them that they gave me a raise on the spot. Wow! When I arrived back on my side of town, it had been 16 hours since I left home this morning. Ready to chill, but contented, I decided that the only thing that would make this evening more perfect was Guittard Fair Trade Dark Chocolate. So i drove to the grocery store. When I entered the store, I saw that flowers were on sale at a significant discount. Y'all know me and flowers, right? That's when I saw them, the perfect coralpink color of roses that i like so much. And blue iris were the perfect contrast.

I moseyed over to the wine section to get another bottle of the fabulous red wine that I had enjoyed at my friend's house for dinner last week.

Then over to the baking aisle to get the chocolate. Guittard Fair Trade, dontchaknow? My mercy me!

I was standing in line at the checkout when i realized. It looks like I am going home to romance my man. These are the same kind of goodies I bought for years in my marriage. The kind of goodies that made me sing out "Honnnneeee look what IIIIII founnnnnd" I smiled because I realized there's not a reason in the world I shouldn't still do this. No longer for my husband but for myself. And that felt so darn good.

So I got home and realized dangit all I cannot find a vase. A single vase. My china cabinet used to have several nice vases and I bet those were lost in the divorce. I was really getting bummed that I had these gorgeous flowers and nowhere to put them. For a brief moment I actually considered putting the bouquet in the glass pitcher of the blender just to keep them alive. I couldn't let the poor darlings die. I prayed, "Oh God don't let me have gone this far with the Sacred Romance and have the flowers die because all the vases are with Ex. That's just wrong."

And then I remembered the basil.

When I had the sweetest couple and their two adorable children over for dinner they brought me fresh basil from their garden. In a vase. I had been so focused on the basil, I had forgotten the vase. So I washed out the vase and wouldn't ya know it-the roses and iris fit perfectly.

Here is what I learned:

God still loves me even though I do not live with Ex anymore. I experienced so much of God's love during my years as a wife, I had to realize that God's love and God validating my desire for romance are still alive and kicking now that I'm single again.

I still love me even though I don't live with Ex anymore. Doing sweet nurturing things for myself are really important now. Perhaps even more important than when Ex did them from time to time.

Just because my sexual and spiritual awakening occurred during my married era doesn't mean it all blew up in smoke with my divorce. Quite the contrary. Cause I need God now more than ever. The simple act of recognizing and acknowledging my desire-truly owning it-is an act of faith. It takes faith to want something you can't make happen yourself. It takes faith to let yourself want when you must depend on God to supply that want in his way and his time. Cause y'all know I want to enjoy a sexual relationship. It would seem like a tremendous waste for me to never again unleash my passion on a man I adore and to receive every drop of the love he wanted to give me. For me to never again do that? That's just wrong. Which brings me to depending so much on God, because I want that kind of sharing to occur with a man who wants to marry me and for the purpose of developing a lifelong bond. And who else but God can supply that?

It's clear to me that the this era of my life is about learning from what went wrong in my first marriage, healing my heart and offering it one day at a time. I feel that I'm ready to share more often here and I will. About how God is healing me and what I'm learning on this stage of my journey from sensuous wife to single mama while remaining sensuous and seeking God about being a wife again, it's sure to be anything but boring.

Love y'all,
Shula

She's stressed, He's horny...What to do

You dear readers ask me all kinds of questions and I think others would benefit if I shared my answers here. This one is timely because it's Friday evening and we want to make the sensuous most of our weekends now don't we?

Dear Shula,
I've had one of those days working from home where everything goes wrong and I have got to get some things accomplished. I was just in the middle of an important email late this afternoon when my DH comes home from work, starts to nuzzle the back of my neck and whispers, "Wanna have a nooner?" The first thought that went through my head was "it's not even noon" and "crap, I have so much work to do!". He's going out of town on some kind of hunting/fishing trip with his buddies this weekend so I don't want to turn him down but sex is the LAST thing on my mind! What should I do?" ~Anxious

Dear Anxious,
Miss girl, you need to get laid. Seriously. All your work will still be there after the lovin'. You can stay up late tonight while he's gone and balance the checkbook and do that report for your boss. Here's what I think you should do. Take a few deep breaths and give yourself permission to play even though your work is not all the way done. You deserve time with your man. Really. And he deserves time with you. So go to him and tell him you'd want his help to get you in the mood. That'll get his attention for sure. Lead him to the couch and lay down with your head in his lap. Ask him to pet your hair and tell you things he loves about you. Could be he tells you you've got great boobs and he can't wait to see them. Maybe he'll tell you what a sweetheart you are and how he loves your compassionate heart. Don't be picky. Just receive the love. Breathe deeply and pay attention to your body. Notice the feel of the fabric on the couch cushions. Notice the smell of his cologne. Stretch your legs and feel your muscles start to relax. Reach up and play with his hair. Massage his scalp gently with your nails. Look into his eyes and remember that this is your favorite man of all. Smile and let your hands begin to wander and let nature take her course. Stay openminded and open to pleasure. You deserve it, honey!
Love, Shula

Tell Her

So many of my posts are girl talk that my guy readers get to listen in on. But this time guys, I'm talkin' to you.

Tell her.
Tell her.
Tell her some of the four hundred ways she makes your world a better place.
Tell her you love the way the light touches her face when she stands near the window.
Tell her the air in the room is better simply because she's in the room.
Tell her you have got to have her tongue in your mouth right now.
Tell her that just the sound of her voice makes you hard.
Tell her that the reason your kids have turned out so great is that she is their mother.
Tell her that it's her you want to know all your secrets.
Tell her that reaching out your toe under the covers and finding her foot is one of life's sweetest things.
Tell her that to touch her hand is to come home.
Tell her.
Reach her.
Woo her.
Pursue her.
You'll be so glad you did.

~SW

Five sexy things about me, a meme

The incomparable Kyra over at Last Refuge of the Lonely Housewife has tagged me for a meme. Good timing darlin', it's about time I did a little gratitude attagirl inventory.

Five Sexy Things About Me

1. I feel sexy deep down in my feminine heart The sexiest thing about me is I embrace my feminine heart and believe deep down that it is not a sin to be human sexual being. I'd even go so far as to say my feminine sexual heart is a very good thing. What does my feminine heart look like? My feminine heart knows I am strong yet content to rest in the strength of a man. I am very comfortable letting a man be good at what he does, offer his unique talents, and be himself without my trying to compete with him. I am very secure in my strength and I know that my feminine strength looks and acts and smells and tastes very different than masculine strength. Because I know that I am just as strong but in a different way than a man is strong, I can delight in and savor how delightfully other, delightfully different his masculine strength is from mine. My feminine strength has displayed itself when my man's heart was beat up by the world and I seduced him, drew him in to my softness, affirmed him, loved him reminded him who he was and who his God was. When I was done with him, he didn't know what hit him! But he knew it was very good and sweet and nourishing! Hah! (twinkly eyed victorious smile). Strong, nurturing, seductive, beautiful, and good. That's my heart.
   ~
   
2. My breasts
   I like my body. I have a lot of gratitude for the figure that God and my mama conspired to give me. And yes, they're real. I enjoy my feminine shape, and I have found a happy medium that works for me. I don't hide in my clothes nor are my outfits rock star tight. I have been known to display some festive holiday cleavage at a company Christmas party. If you handle them right (smiling biting lower lip) breasts can give a husband and wife a great deal of pleasure. How do I know? I just know. A word about breasts, take care of them. My mama is a breast cancer survivor and she is alive today because she was and is very proactive about her health. Girls, take care of your girls. I am so proud of the example my mama gave me about embracing and owning your sexuality and making self care a priority when she went through several reconstructive surgeries to restore her feminine shape after cancer. She's as gorgeous as ever and in her own strong way she taught me that life with breasts was preferred to life without breasts. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to cancer, surviving is the priority. But since liking your body is #2 on this list, I believe feeling sexy in your own skin and liking your body is very important. I like the way my breasts look and feel, and I enjoy being a woman. I think the fact that my breasts can look good, feel good and at one time also nourished a child is sexy as allgetout.
   ~
3. My eyes
   Eye contact is one of the sexiest things God ever made, in my humble opinion. Eyes open orgasms are also not to be missed. If you wanna know what I'm talking about, read Passionate Marriage. Being wrapped in an intimate embrace with the sweet light shining in your eyes is one of life's sweetest moments. Sweetness, seduction, joy, sorrow, compassion, eroticism, delight are all there in my eyes on any given day. Sexy? (nodding thoughtfully) Yeah, I think so.
   ~
4. My hands
   I am such a girly-girl and it really shows in my hands. I get my nails done at the salon and the fresh, girly look of a French manicure makes me look and feel very sexy. I also, well, I, that is to say, er, um....my hands are very talented. (cough) (grin) (blush)
   Aaand in other ways. (grin) By cooking a beautiful meal, holding the hand of someone I love, or writing this article, my hands express my sexy feminine spirit to my world.
   ~
5. My generous heart
   I know there are two heart ones on the list, but there are two aspects of the heart that I want to highlight. Whether in the bedroom or the boardroom, in the kitchen or in the living room, I believe generosity is the way to go. It's just my nature to be generous. I don't know how else to describe it except to say there is much pleasure to be found in offering yourself with generosity.
   

Okay darlings. That was time well spent. The last few months have been quite a strain on me and it was important that I remember and affirm some good things about myself. Thank you for indulging me, dear readers, and thank you for affirming me by inviting me, beloved Kyra.

To whom should I pay it forward?
Cori, at My Heart His Heart
Alise, at Big Mama's Blog
Gemma, at Passion Within Marriage
Memes are fun because they help create a sense of community, so let the good folks who read your post know who tagged you for this meme by posting a link and please post a comment here when your post it up. Y'all enjoy!

Shula's Steamy Spicy Seafood Bisque

This bisque is high in protein and low in carbs which increases your levels of dopamine and lowers your levels of serotonin, so it's perfect for The Orgasmic Diet. Shellfish is known to be a libido enhancer, and anything hot and steamy and spicy is sure to get you thinking in a steamy spicy direction. So, it's good for your libido and tastes fabulous. Let's get started~

Ingredients:

• 6 stalks celery including leaves
• 2 large onions (Texas 1015 sweet onions preferred)
  
• 1 Tablespoon minced garlic (the kind from the jar is easier)
  
• 6 cups white wine (I use Pinot Grigio but Chardonnay or even Cafe Zinfandel will do in a pinch)
• 2 6oz cans tomato paste
• 1 Tablespoon Tony Chachere's Creole seasoning
• 1 quart heavy cream
• 2 8oz package crab-flavored surimi
  
• 2 12oz packages crawfish tails
• 1 pound peeled tailed shrimp
  
• 12 cups vegetable broth (bouillon works fine)
• 1/4 cup dried parsley
• extra virgin olive oil
• 2 Tbsp corn starch
  

Trim and chop vegetables and place in bowl. Place a large stockpot over medium heat, add up to 3/4 cup olive oil. Allow stockpot and olive oil to warm. Add celery. Stir every 3-4 minutes, cover and allow to soften. When celery yields slightly to pressure from spoon, add onions. Stir. You may need to add the rest of the olive oil at this time. Cover and allow to soften, stirring every 4-5 minutes. When celery yields easily to pressure from spoon, vegetables are tender enough and it's time to add the liquids. You'll also notice that a small amount of vegetable juices is condensing at the bottom of the pot. Add the wine and tomato paste. Stir. Add the broth and Tony's seasoning. Cover and bring to a gentle simmering boil.

Before adding the seafood, we want to puree some of the vegetables and add the cream to make the bisque thicker and the trademark bisque color. Most of the vegetables will be at the top. Use a measuring cup to scoop out about half of the vegetables and broth and place in a mixing bowl. Leave about 1/4 to 1/2 the vegetables to give the bisque a thicker texture. Once you scoop out the vegetables from the stockpot, add the seafood and let it cook while you blend the vegetables.

Gently scoop the vegetables and broth into the blender. Be careful! It's hot. Add the cream and puree in the blender. While the blender is going, very carefully and slowly add the corn starch. Once pureed, return the now pink bisque colored blend to the stockpot and stir gently. Add the parsley, stir and simmer on low heat.

Serve with hot buttered sourdough toast. This bisque reheats beautifully and freezes well also. I made a double batch to inaugurate my new big stainless steel stockpot. Feel free to half the recipe if you like.

Love,
Shula

Divorce

Darlings, I have waited several months until I felt free to speak. Y'all know I have been in grief since January and now I can tell you what I have been grieving. I have been grieving the loss of my marriage.

(waiting for the collective gasp of shock)

I know darlings, I know. I was shocked too. If someone would have told me Delighted Husband would ever have sex with another woman, I would have told them they were out of their mind, that my husband would never do that. My agony and grief cannot be adequately put into words. But I am 5 months into the grieving process and denial, anger, bargaining, sadness are giving way to acceptance. My marriage to Delighted Husband is over. I'm not sure what else to call him but calling him Delighted Husband feels inappropriate. Until another name presents itself, I'll call him Ex.

I want to have no hatred. I made up my mind in the moments just after he told me the news. In the midst of the clean pain, a good decision welled up in my heart. I decided I would not throw away my tenderness, that my heart would remain tender and beautiful and not be overrun with bitterness and hate. I thank God for that choice for it has served me well. I will not allow hatred or revenge to choke out my sexuality and to remove my capacity for joy.

I decided to go ahead with opening my store and continue my blog. My heart and my story did not cease to exist with the end of my marriage. Can I act from the generosity of spirit required to operate a store that promotes great married sex and helps couples enjoy something I can't enjoy right now? Yes, I can. My experience of betrayal and loss has strengthened my resolve to promote healthy sex as a beautiful alternative to adultery. I have experienced the joy and healing power of healthy sex and the horror and grief when sex goes off the rails, and I haven't thrown out my lingerie, my toys, or my feminine energy. I still believe.

My parents have been married more than 40 years. That's my normal. That's how I was raised. That's what I want. In my deep heart, I believe I will someday marry again.

I will survive. And then I will thrive. I've done that before. But you know that already, don't you darlings?
Lots of love,
Shula