Sensuous Wife

This blog is moving to a new home

2009-08-21T23:28:00.003-05:00

I think we've about got all the kinks worked out. So mosey on over to sensuouswife.com/blog and check out the blog's new digs!

If you link to current posts of mine Angela and Kyra I know you do, darlin' then please adjust your links to the new address.

Those of you who left comments this week, I didn't post 'em yet cause I knew the move was comin' up. Can you please re-post your comments on the new blog? Email me at sensuouswife at gmail dot com if you want me to email your comments back to you so you can just copy and paste to repost them.

Love y'all! Be good! See you at the new location!
Love,
Shula

A wife asks: How do I initiate more?

2009-08-08T14:49:00.005-05:00

Beloved Annalea asked this great question:
"I'm not the greatest at initiating sex with my husband. I never turn him down and I do make the occassional offer on my own. Though he never fusses at me about it, I know he'd love it if I initiated more. Any ideas?"

Well darlin, my answer is counterintuitive. If you want to really bless him, think about yourself more. I’d encourage you to initiate the things that are likely to arouse you and go for it when you find the sparks fly.

For example:
In the evening, when you step out of the shower and your honey is watching TV, take a hairbrush or comb from the bathroom and walk to the bed still nekkid*, hand him the brush, and say “Baby, brush my hair” and smile. He is very likely to say yes. You’re the only smiling nekkid woman in the room.

Now, this is the most important part: Enjoy it. I mean really enjoy it. Turn your whole focus and attention on your skin and scalp and hair. Lean your naked back against your husband’s chest. Notice how good this simple skin to skin contact feels. Feel the delightful pull of the brush going through your hair. Do not be afraid to sigh and say Ahhhh. Make whatever happy sounds you feel like making.

Now this is the part where your thoughts are so important. Do not allow any other thoughts to enter your head besides “he loves me” and “this feels good” and “I love him”. If any other thoughts enter your mind, let them go, by focusing on your skin and drinking in the sensations.

Imagine your spirit melting into his. Imagine his spirit melting into yours. Pretty soon, you’ll be wanting the rest of you to be touched and petted and fondled.

Move your body to expose whatever you want to be touched. Touch him back. Let yourself drink in the sensation and love you crave.
Give your husband the gift of knowing his wife is totally savoring his every touch.

There are some more overt, hot ways to initiate sex and we’ll talk about those in a future post. But first, I want to encourage this more “self-focused” approach. Get very used to the idea of going to your husband for touch that is loving and feels good. Get accustomed to receiving from him and receiving well. Get in the habit of letting yourself become aroused and following it up by seeking an orgasm with your husband. Train your body and your heart to anticipate pleasure with him and you will automatically find yourself initiating more.

* according to beloved Southern humorist Lewis Grizzard, Naked is having no clothes on, Nekkid is having no clothes on when you're up to sumthin'. (grin)

It's all about YOU

2009-07-25T06:45:00.003-05:00

My readers are the best! Y'all add so much to my life and I want to give back to you. I want every reader to feel empowered to see their ideas and questions addressed here. So what sex topics would you like to see addressed here on the sensuous wife blog? I invite you to email me at sensuouswife AT gmail dot com or post a comment. I'll post my answers as a new blog post. Education and discussion is empowering, and I want y'all to have the best sex. Love, Shula

In Full Bloom

2009-07-15T10:47:00.007-05:00

I want to show y'all how beautifully the flowers are in full bloom. Aren't they lovely?

I want to live like that. I want to live in full bloom, fully showing my beauty, fully showing my glory, fully sharing my joy. I believe we bloom under the touch of someone who loves us. By bloom I mean we become our best selves, we develop into our full gorgeousness. Gorgeous spirit. Gorgeous body. Can't you just see the sparkle in a woman's eye when she knows she's loved? The peace on her face, the serenity?

Can being loved make you look younger? Research says it can.
According to research done by David Weeks, a clinical neuropsychologist at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, making love 3 times a week in a stress-free relationship can make you look 10 years younger. Dr. Weeks studied more than 3500 men and women between the ages of 18 and 102. In his study, a panel of judges viewed the participants through a one way mirror and then guessed the age of each subject. A group of men and women were labeled 'super young' whose ages were underestimated by 7-12 years. Can you imagine?

I want to be like that, don't you? What choices are you willing to make so that you live in full bloom?
Love,
SW

I gave myself roses and chocolate

2009-07-06T23:21:00.006-05:00

Oh y'all what a delightful ending to a long but good day~

I spent most of my day working in the office of my new consulting client. (see Holy Crap! I'm a self-employed single mama) While I'm thrilled with the way my store is doing, it will be a while until the store can sustain DC and me. So in the meantime, I'm reviving my corporate career and looking for gigs. I delivered some great results to my client today. They were so happy with the results I showed them that they gave me a raise on the spot. Wow! When I arrived back on my side of town, it had been 16 hours since I left home this morning. Ready to chill, but contented, I decided that the only thing that would make this evening more perfect was Guittard Fair Trade Dark Chocolate. So i drove to the grocery store. When I entered the store, I saw that flowers were on sale at a significant discount. Y'all know me and flowers, right? That's when I saw them, the perfect coralpink color of roses that i like so much. And blue iris were the perfect contrast.

I moseyed over to the wine section to get another bottle of the fabulous red wine that I had enjoyed at my friend's house for dinner last week.

Then over to the baking aisle to get the chocolate. Guittard Fair Trade, dontchaknow? My mercy me!

I was standing in line at the checkout when i realized. It looks like I am going home to romance my man. These are the same kind of goodies I bought for years in my marriage. The kind of goodies that made me sing out "Honnnneeee look what IIIIII founnnnnd" I smiled because I realized there's not a reason in the world I shouldn't still do this. No longer for my husband but for myself. And that felt so darn good.

So I got home and realized dangit all I cannot find a vase. A single vase. My china cabinet used to have several nice vases and I bet those were lost in the divorce. I was really getting bummed that I had these gorgeous flowers and nowhere to put them. For a brief moment I actually considered putting the bouquet in the glass pitcher of the blender just to keep them alive. I couldn't let the poor darlings die. I prayed, "Oh God don't let me have gone this far with the Sacred Romance and have the flowers die because all the vases are with Ex. That's just wrong."

And then I remembered the basil.

When I had the sweetest couple and their two adorable children over for dinner they brought me fresh basil from their garden. In a vase. I had been so focused on the basil, I had forgotten the vase. So I washed out the vase and wouldn't ya know it-the roses and iris fit perfectly.

Here is what I learned:

God still loves me even though I do not live with Ex anymore. I experienced so much of God's love during my years as a wife, I had to realize that God's love and God validating my desire for romance are still alive and kicking now that I'm single again.

I still love me even though I don't live with Ex anymore. Doing sweet nurturing things for myself are really important now. Perhaps even more important than when Ex did them from time to time.

Just because my sexual and spiritual awakening occurred during my married era doesn't mean it all blew up in smoke with my divorce. Quite the contrary. Cause I need God now more than ever. The simple act of recognizing and acknowledging my desire-truly owning it-is an act of faith. It takes faith to want something you can't make happen yourself. It takes faith to let yourself want when you must depend on God to supply that want in his way and his time. Cause y'all know I want to enjoy a sexual relationship. It would seem like a tremendous waste for me to never again unleash my passion on a man I adore and to receive every drop of the love he wanted to give me. For me to never again do that? That's just wrong. Which brings me to depending so much on God, because I want that kind of sharing to occur with a man who wants to marry me and for the purpose of developing a lifelong bond. And who else but God can supply that?

It's clear to me that the this era of my life is about learning from what went wrong in my first marriage, healing my heart and offering it one day at a time. I feel that I'm ready to share more often here and I will. About how God is healing me and what I'm learning on this stage of my journey from sensuous wife to single mama while remaining sensuous and seeking God about being a wife again, it's sure to be anything but boring.

Love y'all,
Shula

She's stressed, He's horny...What to do

2009-06-26T16:53:00.003-05:00

You dear readers ask me all kinds of questions and I think others would benefit if I shared my answers here. This one is timely because it's Friday evening and we want to make the sensuous most of our weekends now don't we?

Dear Shula,
I've had one of those days working from home where everything goes wrong and I have got to get some things accomplished. I was just in the middle of an important email late this afternoon when my DH comes home from work, starts to nuzzle the back of my neck and whispers, "Wanna have a nooner?" The first thought that went through my head was "it's not even noon" and "crap, I have so much work to do!". He's going out of town on some kind of hunting/fishing trip with his buddies this weekend so I don't want to turn him down but sex is the LAST thing on my mind! What should I do?" ~Anxious

Dear Anxious,
Miss girl, you need to get laid. Seriously. All your work will still be there after the lovin'. You can stay up late tonight while he's gone and balance the checkbook and do that report for your boss. Here's what I think you should do. Take a few deep breaths and give yourself permission to play even though your work is not all the way done. You deserve time with your man. Really. And he deserves time with you. So go to him and tell him you'd want his help to get you in the mood. That'll get his attention for sure. Lead him to the couch and lay down with your head in his lap. Ask him to pet your hair and tell you things he loves about you. Could be he tells you you've got great boobs and he can't wait to see them. Maybe he'll tell you what a sweetheart you are and how he loves your compassionate heart. Don't be picky. Just receive the love. Breathe deeply and pay attention to your body. Notice the feel of the fabric on the couch cushions. Notice the smell of his cologne. Stretch your legs and feel your muscles start to relax. Reach up and play with his hair. Massage his scalp gently with your nails. Look into his eyes and remember that this is your favorite man of all. Smile and let your hands begin to wander and let nature take her course. Stay openminded and open to pleasure. You deserve it, honey!
Love, Shula

Tell Her

2009-06-04T19:24:00.005-05:00

So many of my posts are girl talk that my guy readers get to listen in on. But this time guys, I'm talkin' to you.

Tell her.
Tell her.
Tell her some of the four hundred ways she makes your world a better place.
Tell her you love the way the light touches her face when she stands near the window.
Tell her the air in the room is better simply because she's in the room.
Tell her you have got to have her tongue in your mouth right now.
Tell her that just the sound of her voice makes you hard.
Tell her that the reason your kids have turned out so great is that she is their mother.
Tell her that it's her you want to know all your secrets.
Tell her that reaching out your toe under the covers and finding her foot is one of life's sweetest things.
Tell her that to touch her hand is to come home.
Tell her.
Reach her.
Woo her.
Pursue her.
You'll be so glad you did.

~SW

Five sexy things about me, a meme

2009-05-31T09:12:00.002-05:00

The incomparable Kyra over at Last Refuge of the Lonely Housewife has tagged me for a meme. Good timing darlin', it's about time I did a little gratitude attagirl inventory.

Five Sexy Things About Me

I feel sexy deep down in my feminine heart The sexiest thing about me is I embrace my feminine heart and believe deep down that it is not a sin to be human sexual being. I'd even go so far as to say my feminine sexual heart is a very good thing. What does my feminine heart look like? My feminine heart knows I am strong yet content to rest in the strength of a man. I am very comfortable letting a man be good at what he does, offer his unique talents, and be himself without my trying to compete with him. I am very secure in my strength and I know that my feminine strength looks and acts and smells and tastes very different than masculine strength. Because I know that I am just as strong but in a different way than a man is strong, I can delight in and savor how delightfully other, delightfully different his masculine strength is from mine. My feminine strength has displayed itself when my man's heart was beat up by the world and I seduced him, drew him in to my softness, affirmed him, loved him reminded him who he was and who his God was. When I was done with him, he didn't know what hit him! But he knew it was very good and sweet and nourishing! Hah! (twinkly eyed victorious smile). Strong, nurturing, seductive, beautiful, and good. That's my heart.
~
My breasts
I like my body. I have a lot of gratitude for the figure that God and my mama conspired to give me. And yes, they're real. I enjoy my feminine shape, and I have found a happy medium that works for me. I don't hide in my clothes nor are my outfits rock star tight. I have been known to display some festive holiday cleavage at a company Christmas party. If you handle them right (smiling biting lower lip) breasts can give a husband and wife a great deal of pleasure. How do I know? I just know. A word about breasts, take care of them. My mama is a breast cancer survivor and she is alive today because she was and is very proactive about her health. Girls, take care of your girls. I am so proud of the example my mama gave me about embracing and owning your sexuality and making self care a priority when she went through several reconstructive surgeries to restore her feminine shape after cancer. She's as gorgeous as ever and in her own strong way she taught me that life with breasts was preferred to life without breasts. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to cancer, surviving is the priority. But since liking your body is #2 on this list, I believe feeling sexy in your own skin and liking your body is very important. I like the way my breasts look and feel, and I enjoy being a woman. I think the fact that my breasts can look good, feel good and at one time also nourished a child is sexy as allgetout.
~
My eyes
Eye contact is one of the sexiest things God ever made, in my humble opinion. Eyes open orgasms are also not to be missed. If you wanna know what I'm talking about, read Passionate Marriage. Being wrapped in an intimate embrace with the sweet light shining in your eyes is one of life's sweetest moments. Sweetness, seduction, joy, sorrow, compassion, eroticism, delight are all there in my eyes on any given day. Sexy? (nodding thoughtfully) Yeah, I think so.
~
My hands
I am such a girly-girl and it really shows in my hands. I get my nails done at the salon and the fresh, girly look of a French manicure makes me look and feel very sexy. I also, well, I, that is to say, er, um....my hands are very talented. (cough) (grin) (blush)
Aaand in other ways. (grin) By cooking a beautiful meal, holding the hand of someone I love, or writing this article, my hands express my sexy feminine spirit to my world.
~
My generous heart
I know there are two heart ones on the list, but there are two aspects of the heart that I want to highlight. Whether in the bedroom or the boardroom, in the kitchen or in the living room, I believe generosity is the way to go. It's just my nature to be generous. I don't know how else to describe it except to say there is much pleasure to be found in offering yourself with generosity.

Okay darlings. That was time well spent. The last few months have been quite a strain on me and it was important that I remember and affirm some good things about myself. Thank you for indulging me, dear readers, and thank you for affirming me by inviting me, beloved Kyra.

To whom should I pay it forward?
Cori, at My Heart His Heart
Alise, at Big Mama's Blog
Gemma, at Passion Within Marriage
Memes are fun because they help create a sense of community, so let the good folks who read your post know who tagged you for this meme by posting a link and please post a comment here when your post it up. Y'all enjoy!

Shula's Steamy Spicy Seafood Bisque

2009-05-26T11:18:00.005-05:00

This bisque is high in protein and low in carbs which increases your levels of dopamine and lowers your levels of serotonin, so it's perfect for The Orgasmic Diet. Shellfish is known to be a libido enhancer, and anything hot and steamy and spicy is sure to get you thinking in a steamy spicy direction. So, it's good for your libido and tastes fabulous. Let's get started~

Ingredients:

6 stalks celery including leaves
2 large onions (Texas 1015 sweet onions preferred)
1 Tablespoon minced garlic (the kind from the jar is easier)
6 cups white wine (I use Pinot Grigio but Chardonnay or even Cafe Zinfandel will do in a pinch)
2 6oz cans tomato paste
1 Tablespoon Tony Chachere's Creole seasoning
1 quart heavy cream
2 8oz package crab-flavored surimi
2 12oz packages crawfish tails
1 pound peeled tailed shrimp
12 cups vegetable broth (bouillon works fine)
1/4 cup dried parsley
extra virgin olive oil
2 Tbsp corn starch

Trim and chop vegetables and place in bowl. Place a large stockpot over medium heat, add up to 3/4 cup olive oil. Allow stockpot and olive oil to warm. Add celery. Stir every 3-4 minutes, cover and allow to soften. When celery yields slightly to pressure from spoon, add onions. Stir. You may need to add the rest of the olive oil at this time. Cover and allow to soften, stirring every 4-5 minutes. When celery yields easily to pressure from spoon, vegetables are tender enough and it's time to add the liquids. You'll also notice that a small amount of vegetable juices is condensing at the bottom of the pot. Add the wine and tomato paste. Stir. Add the broth and Tony's seasoning. Cover and bring to a gentle simmering boil.

Before adding the seafood, we want to puree some of the vegetables and add the cream to make the bisque thicker and the trademark bisque color. Most of the vegetables will be at the top. Use a measuring cup to scoop out about half of the vegetables and broth and place in a mixing bowl. Leave about 1/4 to 1/2 the vegetables to give the bisque a thicker texture. Once you scoop out the vegetables from the stockpot, add the seafood and let it cook while you blend the vegetables.

Gently scoop the vegetables and broth into the blender. Be careful! It's hot. Add the cream and puree in the blender. While the blender is going, very carefully and slowly add the corn starch. Once pureed, return the now pink bisque colored blend to the stockpot and stir gently. Add the parsley, stir and simmer on low heat.

Serve with hot buttered sourdough toast. This bisque reheats beautifully and freezes well also. I made a double batch to inaugurate my new big stainless steel stockpot. Feel free to half the recipe if you like.

Love,
Shula

Divorce

2009-05-24T02:06:00.001-05:00

Darlings, I have waited several months until I felt free to speak. Y'all know I have been in grief since January and now I can tell you what I have been grieving. I have been grieving the loss of my marriage.

(waiting for the collective gasp of shock)

I know darlings, I know. I was shocked too. If someone would have told me Delighted Husband would ever have sex with another woman, I would have told them they were out of their mind, that my husband would never do that. My agony and grief cannot be adequately put into words. But I am 5 months into the grieving process and denial, anger, bargaining, sadness are giving way to acceptance. My marriage to Delighted Husband is over. I'm not sure what else to call him but calling him Delighted Husband feels inappropriate. Until another name presents itself, I'll call him Ex.

I want to have no hatred. I made up my mind in the moments just after he told me the news. In the midst of the clean pain, a good decision welled up in my heart. I decided I would not throw away my tenderness, that my heart would remain tender and beautiful and not be overrun with bitterness and hate. I thank God for that choice for it has served me well. I will not allow hatred or revenge to choke out my sexuality and to remove my capacity for joy.

I decided to go ahead with opening my store and continue my blog. My heart and my story did not cease to exist with the end of my marriage. Can I act from the generosity of spirit required to operate a store that promotes great married sex and helps couples enjoy something I can't enjoy right now? Yes, I can. My experience of betrayal and loss has strengthened my resolve to promote healthy sex as a beautiful alternative to adultery. I have experienced the joy and healing power of healthy sex and the horror and grief when sex goes off the rails, and I haven't thrown out my lingerie, my toys, or my feminine energy. I still believe.

My parents have been married more than 40 years. That's my normal. That's how I was raised. That's what I want. In my deep heart, I believe I will someday marry again.

I will survive. And then I will thrive. I've done that before. But you know that already, don't you darlings?
Lots of love,
Shula

Sacred Naked

2009-05-15T16:03:00.008-05:00

Sacred Naked-the spiritual side of pair bonding.

Sacred Naked is a phrase I've been using for years to describe pair bonding in an attitude of love, connectedness and gratitude toward God and gratitude toward your spouse. This sense of bonding and oneness is sometimes celebratory playful and erotic, sometimes gentle and tender, but always with a sense of bonding, oneness and togetherness. Pair bonding with a spiritual twist.

What does the Sacred Naked look like?

Cuddling naked while listening to music or watching TV
Any time you're together alone is a prime opportunity to pair bond. Even if you're not involved in active sex play, maximize every opportunity to get skin-to-skin.
Cuddling naked while talking
Connecting skin-to-skin makes it easier to share your feelings and can really bolster your courage when you want to talk about a subject you feel hesitant to discuss.
Being playful in the shower
with the wife's soapy breasts pressed against her husband's back. This can feel nurturing and gentle or feel like an erotic boost if she reaches around and pleasures him with her hands.
Furtive urgent intercourse
when the husband comes home for a nooner during lunch. One husband shared his story where his wife sent him a text message saying "come home now I need you". He arrived home to find his wife standing naked on the stairs saying, "let's go, I'm already ready for you."
Getting ready
Many wives have shared with me that they prepare themselves to make love to their husbands by giving themselves a clitoral orgasm while anticipating his arrival. Having a clitoral orgasm prior to intercourse can make the gspot much more receptive to pleasure during quickie intercourse. Perfect for a quickie where the husband reaches orgasm quickly.
Pair bonding with God
Have you ever considered that God created you a sexual being and that he wants you to embrace your sexuality with gratitude? This truth came home to me on a sunny day at the beach where my husband and I had found a secluded spot in between the dunes to spread our Liberator throe blanket. I stretched out to bask in the sun while my husband went for a swim. I could not see the ocean nor could anyone who happened across this deserted stretch of beach see me. I had total privacy just me and God. The sounds of the ocean were delightful, and the sun was so warm on my skin and the ocean breezes so delicious that I soon disrobed to enjoy it fully. I soaked in the pleasure from my senses and sent out my love and gratitude to God. It was one of the most beautiful spiritual and erotic moments of my life. Truly a Sacred Naked moment pair bonding with God enjoying the splendor and beauty of creation and the gift of touch he has given me. I wasn't fantasizing about another man, I was simply "hanging with my body and enjoying the sensations" as sobriety expert Dr. Doug Weiss from sexaddict.com describes healthy self-pleasuring for women. To honor his privacy, I won't mention my husband's response when he came back from a swim to find his wife bathed in light and immersed in pleasure. But I smile at the memory. I'm willing to bet he does too.
When you're too tired
When you're too tired for full on aerobic intercourse, you can always enjoy the Sacred Naked. Don't deny your spirit or your body the chance to bond with your mate just because you happen to be tired. Go ahead and cuddle naked. Give yourself permission to respond or not respond. Your body may surprise you and decide it has energy for sex after all!
Make a choice
to make the most of every opportunity to enjoy the Sacred Naked. You'll be surprised how many Sacred Naked opportunities open up on the path before you. It's almost as if a benevolent God wants you to enjoy your mate and enjoy your body. (biting lip and smiling)

Love, Shula

Accepted and loved

2009-04-30T11:37:00.003-05:00

You know how kids go thorugh growth spurts? They eat and sleep a lot and then next thing you know their jeans don't fit. Well I've been going through a growth spurt, in a different way. Emotionally, spiritually, relationally. And my jeans don't fit either, but it's because they're too big.
I am amazed at how emotional eating is just so much less a part of my life, and how my appetite has decreased overall. In the midst of tremendous transition and sometimes painful growth, I'm feeling more accepted and loved than ever.
How do you experience acceptance and love?
Who pours acceptance and love into your emotional cup?
If you feel accepted and loved, how does that affect the other areas of your life?
Is it easier to care for your body and heart when you accept and love yourself?
Then how does this self care, self acceptance, self love affect your relationships with God and other humans?
If sex is giving your self, then what kind of self do you think you're giving?

I'm looking forward to sharing with you some of the good changes that are taking place in my heart. Some posts will come sooner than others. Good art percolates in the heart. Love, Shula

Change the World

2009-04-23T05:55:00.003-05:00

I woke up today with the song Change the World on my heart. It feels peaceful and appropriate. Today I open my store, sensuouswife.com. This is a culmination of over a year of design and development and many years of life experience. In some way, I've been preparing for this all my life. As I shared here, I was ushered into sex in an abusive way. Codependency and an essentially boundaryless life resulted. I was a city without walls. But healing happens. And healing can be hot . Boy oh boy, can it ever! Sometimes healing is 3 steps forward 2 steps back, but healing comes. As I started to experience healing, I could not be quiet anymore. Even though I was convinced no one would read this blog, I scrunched up my courage, stepped up to the microphone and spoke my story. And you dear people talked back. Comments and emails that bring tears to my eyes just remembering.

The story that emerged is that people who have struggled with sexual abuse or sexual addiction or codependency want to have sober sex. And that sober sex, healthy sex can be hot. That toys and bedroom adventure gear can be a beautiful erotic addition to healthy sex. That healing can be oh-so-hot! So when a recovering person wants to get their healthy sexy groove on, where can they shop for sexy treats that won't threaten their recovery where can they go? And if they have a bad back and find that sex is painful or causes a flareup, where can they go? I felt such a tug in my heart to share the products that have worked for me and to share them in a beautiful classy way that was sexy and fun and respectful toward recovery.

So I did. And we have. I knew a job this big would mean a 'we' not a 'me'. I have the best team a woman could hope for. Beloved Customer Care who was the first one to come alongside me. (she's @sensuoushelp on twitter) Several Beloved Vendors who have contributed in turn...Web Developers, Graphic Designers all who gave from their heart and many who gave their time. And last but not least Beloved Project Manager who kept us and continues to keep us all on track, including me.
I have a lump in my throat and the sting of unshed tears in my eyes, because today's the day. Sober is sexy. sensuouswife.com is open! In my own small way, I have changed the world.

Shula's Sensuous Swedish Pancakes

2009-04-19T07:31:00.007-05:00

These pancakes are higher in protein and lower in carbs than traditional pancakes. Perfect for The Orgasmic Diet. The coconut oil adds a lovely aroma. Be sure to save some coconut oil for more sensuous pursuits*. (wink)

4 eggs
2 cups milk
3/4 cup all purpose flour
1 Tbsp Splenda
1/4 tsp salt
2 Tbsp melted coconut oil
lingonberries

Beat the eggs until just barely fluffy-about 2 minutes. Add milk, continue to beat on medium speed. Add flour, Splenda and salt, then coconut oil. Ladle onto hot griddle that has been lubricated with coconut oil. Cook gently until just barely dry then flip and continue cooking for half a minute. Serve warm with butter and lingonberries.
Thank you @StanCoMarriage and MichiganTalberts for requesting this. Y'all enjoy!

*coconut oil is a wonderful lubricant for massage and intercourse

Hold my hand

2009-03-25T22:32:00.004-05:00

There was a bad storm tonight. We knew it was coming and DC was a bit nervous at bedtime. I tucked them in, kissed them goodnight, spoke a blessing over them as I always do, and walked to the door. That's when I heard, "Mom, can you sit here in a chair and hold my hand?"
Melt my mama heart.
Of course I can!

So I sat there and held their hand. So sweet. So grown up. So still my baby.

A few minutes later, the power went out. I was on the potty which is a very uncomfortable place to be when the lights go out. Luckily, I happen to like baths with candles, because there were some tealight candles on the cabinet ledge of the tub, so I lit the candle and walked to DC's room.
I felt like Maria von Trapp leading DC down the hall to my room. Remember the scene with the thunderstorm?

DC really brought their pillow and comforter and nestled into a nest of blankets. I pet DC's hair and whispered words I have said since their birth: "sweet angel. mama's darlin. mama loves you sooo much." As I sensed DC slipping toward sleep, I wrapped my palm around their elbow and just comforted with my warm hand and my silence. My mama love needed no more words.

I'm so deeply grateful for this moment. DC is so growin' up, so smart, so capable, and so still my baby.

Novel Excerpt

2009-03-20T09:08:00.003-05:00

I've been waiting for just the right moment, and I think this is it. I'm sitting on the balcony watching a sparrow drag a twig bigger than he is to the pile he's making in the corner. I hear doves and some other birdsong I can't identify. The air is cool but not uncomfortably so. Prolly 60 degrees or so. I want to share something with y'all. I'm writing a novel. A story of a young wife's spiritual and sexual awakening. Deanna is not me, but we do have a lot in common. I'd like to have her for one of my girlfriends. If Deanna had a blog, it would be in my blogroll.
I offer you Deanna's Eureka Moment, the moment where she experiences her sexuality as good and alive and believes that her husband's prayer might have something to do with it. You go, girl!
~
Excerpt from Awakening Deanna's Eureka Moment copyright Shula Jackson all rights reserved

Tom,
you would not believe how much fun I am having with that latest song you sent me. When I saw the song title Michael Buble “coming home baby” I smiled and when I saw it was a duet with Boys 2 Men, I rolled my eyes but I have to tell you Tom, the groove and the harmony got to me right away .

For the first time since you left, I pictured you not in the desert but in an airplane seat checking your blackberry and emailing your admin about next week’s meeting, then sitting back and enjoying a Pauli girl thinking carnal thoughts of me. I picture your eyes gleaming with mischief as you settle back In the seat as the fasten seat belt light comes on. It felt so normal. So doable to think of you coming home to me now, or at the weekend. Tom, it was such a relief to picture you on a voluntary business trip wearing a suit instead of shipped off to the desert wearing week a grimy uniform and and a sandy sunburn. Such a relief to imagine you in Bruno Maglis instead of army boots. so familiar and safe and such a relief and relief quickly fanned into longing. But a longing unsullied by sorrow. Just pure want. Before I knew it, my hands were slithering down my torso reaching for my thighs. For about two seconds I felt pleasure then that feeling of being ridiculous hit me like a wave, cold and shocking.

So I swallowed a few times and took a deep breath and lay there and closed my eyes imagining carefully the scenario of you sprawled in an airplane seat. This time I fantasized a first class seat. I figured as long as I was fantasizing we may as well give you an upgrade. In my fantasy, you called me and I heard that hungry purr in your voice that made the hair on my arms stand up and felt my nipples harden. I imagined telling you they were hard and I saw the red flush on your earlobes as you told me how hot that was. I giggled and told you to keep your voice down someone on the plane might see you hear you overhear us talking. You told me to graze my fingernails over my stomach and I tightened my abs involuntarily. When I traced my fingernail over my ribs and belly, my nipples got even harder and this tight sweet longing started to swell in my breasts, wanting you to touch me. I swirled my fingernail tracing circling patterns over my ribs up to my breasts. As soon as I cupped the curve of my breast in my palm I felt so ridiculous and absurd and pitiful. Tom I told you in my fantasy I whispered into the phone "I’m sorry baby I just cant do it. I just feel so ridiculous." The thought of letting you down hurt my heart so I abandoned the idea of touching myself while talking to you on the phone and I just enjoyed the music. “I’m pressin’ on baby now I wanna feel you hold me tight” and that didn’t feel ridiculous at all. And the music had so much heat and so much unashamed energy.

I stood up on the wood floor in my sock feet and began to sway my hips and sashay around the room. Getting wilder and wilder as the dance over took me and and before I knew it, a new fantasy occurred me to me. I pictured you sitting crosslegged in on the foot of the bed watching me and instead of my flannel pajamas, I imagined myself wearing a cute shorts outfit with my ponytail through the loop of a baseball cap just the way you like it. I danced over to the closet and dug through until I quickly found a pair of denim shorts and a jogbra. On impulse, I grabbed one of your good white dress shirts that I hadn’t taken to the cleaners. The good one one of the good hoarded ones that still smell like you. I grabbed a ballcap off your closet shelf and threaded my ponytail through and for the full effect, I put on my old comfy New Balances and strode into our room as though I had just returned from a quick shopping trip. I pressed the repeat button on the ipod and turned up the volume on the docking station. This was going to take longer than once through.
I felt energy surge into my thighs like it did after the warm-up of a workout. So stared hard at the rumpled bedclothes imagining you sitting there. I stepped into the open doorway and grinned at you and you grinned back. Your eyes taking in the my glimpse of my exposed midriff below your shirt knotted and tied Maryanne style. A little of surge of joy shot through my heart at the thought of you seeing me and checking me out like that. I felt the calm and powerful emotion of seductive sexy wife taking hold in my mind and heart. I began to dance and sway in the doorway, never breaking the tractor beam of eye contact. I reeled you in with my eyes and didn’t let you go. I began to smile without trying and you began to sweat. A trickle of sweat turning your blonde hair brown and curly at the temples.
I began to dance and sway and move my feet and swing my hips in time with the music. I kicked off my shoes and twirled and spun with the my sock feet gliding effortlessly over the wood floor. I closed my eyes and let the song take over. I spun and stepped and shimmied my shoulders and that timeless feeling took over. All I could think about all my awareness was over the joy of moving in time with the music and the secret sweet joy of feeling you watching and feeling your delight and sensing your arousal. Tom, in my mind I just KNEW deep in the pit of my stomach that you not only accepted my sexy wife persona but you LIKED her intensely and it was that glorious sweet combination of love and lust perfectly blended that I only get from you.

Your desire and acceptance and delight gave me courage, Tom, and picturing you there and I began to strip. My confidence and joy growing steadily then surging as I untied your shirt and shimmied my shoulders out of the sleeves and pulled it off in one fell swoop, tossing it over my shoulder. I began to sweat and my dance took on a beautiful fury. I unbuttoned my shorts without thought and continued to dance in my jog bra and bikinis. Before I knew it Tom I was naked and proud and not one teeny bit ridiculous. Joy was as certain as the twinges of exertion I felt in my calves. I finished the dance with my arms overhead in a ta-da posture with my hair spilling down my back. I felt so alive and so free and so unbearably gorgeous. I felt that marvelous certainty down in my belly that I could lead you around the room like a ring through your nose but using only eyes to draw you. I guess you could say I felt my feminine power. I drank it in, reveled in it. And in my fantasy you swept me into your arms and took me standing in the shower. This wasn’t hard to imagine as I shimmied and rocked against the jets in the Jacuzzi tub. Oh Tom. I wish you could have seen me. I’m such a hottie, Tom. I really believe it baby I do. Just like you’ve known all along but now I believe. Every time I take in a breath I feel this unbearable sweetness knowing who I really am as a powerful gorgeous woman who is miles away from ridiculous. Don’t quit praying now, Tom cause it might be working. Ya think?

Goodnight darling. I’m limp as a wet noodle and I want to shut off the laptop and hug your big feather pillow and drift off to sleep. I love you baby.

Your sexy wife,
Deanna

Hope

2009-03-20T09:00:00.001-05:00

"When hope shows up on the scene, faith isn't far behind."
-Shula

Sex and Worship-More Rich Parallels

2009-03-09T10:01:00.012-05:00

I love it when this happens.
Some mornings I wake up with a worship song playing in my head and a beautiful desire to sing that song and use the song to connect with God.
This was one of those mornings.
The song today was Everlasting God by Brenton Brown. Here's the song. Enjoy it. Hum it, sing it, whatever you like. I'll be back to say more about worship and relational eroticism. Hah! (grin) I thought that would get your attention. But for now, enjoy the song.

The whole point to the song is to love God and notice his fine attributes. The worshiper notices and brags on God's fine attributes. God doesn't worship us back. What does the worshiper gain? The worshiper gains a beautiful connection to the one they love and worship.
Let's take a closer look at how this plays out in Everlasting God. The worshiper points out, brags on, and adores the following cool things about God:

You are everlasting
You are God
You reign forever
You are ours
You reign forever
You are our hope
You are our strong deliverer
You do not faint
You do not grow weary
You defend the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

I can tell you the joy I feel when I point out and adore these fine qualities about God. I am especially drawn to notice the things about God I particularly need or desire. When I feel weak, I remember God is the defender of the weak. I can embrace the fact that God will defend me. Just cause that's who he is. By noticing who he is, I can know my needs will get met. Organically. Just cause that's who he is. And I so delight in noticing who he is. Cause I know all those fine qualities are aimed toward helping me because he loves me. I feel so connected to him! Cause I know all those fine qualities will meet a corresponding need in me and in meeting that need, our bond will be strengthened.

This SO reminds me of lovemaking!

The whole point to making love to your husband or wife is to love them and notice his or her fine attributes. The lover uses their words and their touch to notice and brag on their lover's fine qualities. Dr. David Schnarch has a beautiful term for a focused erotic adoring of your mate. He calls it Doing and Being Done. During a time of focused giving while Doing her husband, the husband might just receive it and revel in it for the moment. In the same way, God doesn't worship us back. What does the Doer gain? The Doer gains a beautiful connection to the one they love and worship. I don't' mean worship in the pagan sense of elevating the creation to the level of creator. By worship I mean like the old wedding vow, "with my body I thee worship".

Let's take a closer look at how this could play out in a husband Doing his wife. I imagine a husband might point out, brag on, and adore the following cool things about his wife:

You have such a tender heart
At the same time, you are so lively and spirited
The shape of your body is so alluring
You are so loving
You have such long, gorgeous hair
Your breasts are absolutely beautiful
I love seeing how your body changes as you become aroused
You are such a loyal friend
The little sounds you make when I touch you are so erotic
You are so generous and giving

I can imagine the joy a husband feels when he points out and adores these fine qualities about his wife! He is especially drawn to notice the things about his wife that he particularly needs or desires. When he feels battle-weary from the roughness of the world, he can embrace his wife's tenderness and know that not all the world is rough and competitive. When he feels erotically drawn to his wife, as he sees signs of her arousal and knows that she is responding to him, he can know she wants him. Just cause that's who she is. By noticing who she is, her husband can know his needs will get met. Organically. A husband can so delight in noticing who she is. Cause he knows all her fine feminine qualities are aimed toward only him because she loves him. He can feel so connected to her! Because he knows all her fine qualities will meet a corresponding need in him and in meeting that need, their bond will be strengthened.

Can you remember a time when you spent uninterrupted time in focused adoring of your mate? What was that like for you? How did your husband or wife respond? Did you ever consider adoring God from your heart? In a similar way? Does worship for you feel like the focused adoring of lovemaking or something different? What does worship feel like for you?

I'll share more as more ideas occur to me. The parallels struck me as quite beautiful today and I wanted to share them with you.
With love,
Shula

International Women's Day Synchroblog

2009-03-08T06:21:00.002-05:00

The Bible is filled with stories of single mothers. There's one in particular that I want to highlight. from 2nd Kings 4:1-7
This single mother was a widow and was experiencing desperate financial need that put her children in danger. Like many single mothers in her situation, she went to a godly safe person and asked for help. The safe person she asked for help took the time to ask her about her situation and see how he could help. Once he found out what her resources were, he shared a plan on how God could multiply her resources and you guessed it he used other safe people to do it. Here's how the miracle went down:
The widow (how I wish we knew her name!) and her sons went throughout her community asking to borrow jars and bowls. They borrowed all they could. Then the mama and her boys went home, closed the door for privacy, and started pouring. See, all they had was a little bottle of oil, probably olive oil, and they took their little bottle and started pouring. Used in faith, that little bottle kept on pouring, kept on pouring, kept on pouring until it filled up all the other empty jars. This single mama sold all the oil and used the proceeds to pay off her debt, keep her sons out of danger and had plenty left over to live on. Good outcome!

What moves me about this story is the perfect blend of vertical and horizontal. In a vertical way, it was all about the single mother and God. Only God could make a small oil jar keep pouring like that. But the horizontal was equally important, the single mama and her community. Her safe friends who helped her. Without the jars from her safe friends, what would she have had to receive all that God was doing in her life?

There are many people in need in our world today. I'd like to ask you to pay close attention to the single mothers in your world. Be a safe person. Take the time to ask and listen and get to know what the needs are in their life. And be willing to be part of the miracle in their life. What is God doing in their life? How can you help them to receive that? collect it? capture it? contain it?
Be the empty arms that God can fill when you hug her. When God pours out good and blessing in her life, help her to receive it. Don't deny yourself the joy of being one of the jars of miracles in the life of a single mother.

Here's the whole story, from The Message:
4:1 One day the wife of a man from the guild of prophets called out to Elisha, "Your servant my husband is dead. You well know what a good man he was, devoted to God. And now the man to whom he was in debt is on his way to collect by taking my two children as slaves."

4:2 Elisha said, "I wonder how I can be of help. Tell me, what do you have in your house?" "Nothing," she said. "Well, I do have a little oil."

4:3 "Here's what you do," said Elisha. "Go up and down the street and borrow jugs and bowls from all your neighbors. And not just a few - all you can get.

4:4 Then come home and lock the door behind you, you and your sons. Pour oil into each container; when each is full, set it aside."

4:5 She did what he said. She locked the door behind her and her sons; as they brought the containers to her, she filled them.

4:6 When all the jugs and bowls were full, she said to one of her sons, "Another jug, please." He said, "That's it. There are no more jugs." Then the oil stopped.

4:7 She went and told the story to the man of God. He said, "Go sell the oil and make good on your debts. Live, both you and your sons, on what's left."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's the Synch in Synchroblog: all the other dear ones who also blogged on this topic today
Julie Clawson on the God who sees
Steve Hayes on St. Theodora the Iconodule
Sonja Andrews on Aunt Jemima
Sensuous Wife on a single mom in the Bible
Minnowspeaks on celebrating women
Michelle Van Loon on the persistant widow
Lyn Hallewell on women who walked with God
Heather on the strength of biblical women
Shawna Atteberry on the Daughter of Mary Magdalene
Christine Sine on women who impacted her life
Susan Barnes on Tamar, Ruth, and Mary
Kathy Escobar on standing up for nameless and voiceless women
Ellen Haroutunian on out from under the veil
Liz Dyer on Mary and Martha
Bethany Stedman on Shiphrah and Puah
Dan Brennan on Mary Magdalene
Jessica Schafer on Bathsheba
Eugene Cho on Lydia
Laura sorts through what she knows about women in the Bible
Miz Melly preached on the woman at the well
AJ Schwanz on women’s work
Pam Hogeweide on teenage girls changing the world
Teresa on the women Paul didn’t hate
Helen on Esther
Happy on Abigail
Mark Baker-Wright on telling stories
Robin M. on Eve
Alan Knox is thankful for the women who served God
Lainie Petersen on the unnamed concubine
Mike Clawson on cultural norms in the early church
Krista on serving God
Bob Carlton on Barbie as Icon
Jan Edmiston preached on the unnamed concubine
Deb on her namesake - Deborah
Makeesha on empowering women
Kate on Esther
Doreen Mannion on Deborah
Patrick Oden on Rahab
Scot McKnight on Junia
Jonathan Stegall on Eve
InHo Kim on Sarah
Mimi Haddad on deception

Add to the Beauty

2009-02-11T06:19:00.004-06:00

We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations
It brings redemption to life and work
To our lives and our work

It comes in loving community
It comes in helping a soul find it's worth

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces
Calling out our best

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside

Love Per Square Inch

2009-02-06T23:14:00.002-06:00

There's less of me to love!
In the last 8 days, I have lost 5 1/2 inches.
WooHoo!
Of all the times in my life where no one would hold it against me to hit the chocolate or indulge in some way, I'm not doing it. I'm not emotional eating. I'm just eating healthy food whenever I do eat and walking or going to the gym.
So I have this theory.
If there is less of me to love, then the same amount of love is divided by less square inches, which means the love per square inch ratio is higher.
(twinkly eyed smile)
Okay.
That's as much math as you'll hear on this blog.
Love y'all,
Shula

I love my readers

2009-01-31T08:33:00.002-06:00

I miss you all. There are so many things I can't talk about. Just wanted you to know that I'm still here. I am currently going through what may be the most devastating time of suffering and refining I've ever had to walk through. I will be okay. You know me, I will do whatever it takes to push through to healing. And you know me, after I receive a measure of healing, I'll be so eager to share that story with you. In the meantime, I'll share other stories. If God never does another thing for me, His generosity is unquestioned. I am blessed. And I will be loved. And so will you.

Held,
Shula

Thank you Sue, for giving me this song.

Comparison Trap

2009-01-22T13:14:00.004-06:00

Something I've learned recently is that comparing myself with another woman or worse yet someone else comparing me to another woman is a shortcut ticket to misery. I want to share some thoughts that have helped me find my way out of the comparison trap.

I must live in the light of God's sovereignty.
Trusting His good heart toward me.
Trusting God did a good job when he made me.
Trusting God and I and I together are doing a good job of continuing to make me.
I must accept God's grace toward me as sufficient,
and not fall into either ditch of pride or envy.
Pride says I'm better than someone else.
Envy says I think someone else's possessions or traits or qualities are better than mine and I therefore find my own possessions or traits or qualities not good enough, less-than, unsatisfactory.
God created me.
God did a great job and took great joy in making me.
And I can take great joy in making me too, because I am made by, shaped by, changed by the choices that I make day after day after day.
Making the choice to grow and change is a good thing.
But healthy change MUST be secondary to the foundation of truth that says:
God is sovereign, God is good, God is loving, and this good God shaped me with tender care.
It is in this warm solid foundation, that change is good and welcomed for I know I was delightful already before the change.

And being humble and vulnerable and tender and strong,
giving God plenty of elbow room to work,
that can only yield good things.

Feeling this, knowing this , believing this
feels
SO VERY GOOD.

and I'm delighted to share it with you.

With love,
Shula

PS Thinking about God creating me led me to this video of creation. I belong smack-dab amongst all this other created beauty cause the very same artist made me. Ooooh! Love that!

Good News

2009-01-15T17:25:00.002-06:00

I have hope.

Like cold water to a thirsty soul is good news from a far country. Dallas is far enough!

Giving Words of Blessing

2009-01-13T15:23:00.003-06:00

As many of you can imagine, I'm going through a dark time right now. I had posted about it and pulled both posts so I can edit them as our story unfolds.

One thing that would help me a lot is blessing. Hearing and reading good words spoken over me. So, dear friends. I ask you to bless me. Share a comment with whatever is on your heart to share. I need the fuel of good words spoken over me. Imagine me palms up ready to receive.
Love y'all,
Shula

PS Don't get worried about sounding religious. If you want to say, "I bless you with (benefit)" that's fine. Or you might just want to remind me of something positive or admirable about my self.

What I'm all about

2009-01-07T17:29:00.001-06:00

Hi I'm Shula and I am a Woman, Wife, Mama, Spiritual & Sexual Health Advocate..sharing my encouragement strength & hope

I'm all about the joy. Joy and delight from all the senses including erotic joy from healthy sexuality and healthy spirituality. Joy in spite of difficult circumstances not joy because of perfect circumstances. Cause hey, who's got perfect circumstances?? If you wait for perfect circumstances to have great healthy sex, you'll wait far too long!

Many common health issues don't have to keep you from experiencing great sex. I'm not a doctor or a sex therapist, I'm a regular girl who has overcome several medical issues and come through on the other side. (biting lip twinkly eyed grin). I am more known for my love of life and for my lifestyle of receiving pleasure through the senses than I am known for the health issues I've overcome. But I do mention the health issues like sexual abuse, depression, uterine prolapse, chronic pain, and hormone disorders because I want women everywhere to know that these health issues do NOT have to mean the end of their sex life! With love, creativity, persistence and quality tools and resources, the beauty and power and pleasure of healing can be yours.

I know sex has the power to bring bonding and blessing to marriage, and I don't want anyone to miss out! My tweets and my blog are a wonderful blend of joys and sorrows because I believe in truth in advertising. When I shout out my love and gratitude for a hot experience of healthy sex, my readers know it's legit because I also share about the personal growth and healing it took to get there. I do share glimpses from my daily life because I think it's important for credibility that you know I'm a regular girl and if I can have a healthy sex life then so can you.

After years of being asked for sexual health product recommendations, I'm opening a store at sensuouswife.com.

This is my story, the concise version. (grin)
Lotsa love,
SW

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

2009-01-02T07:17:00.003-06:00

I love the idea of times and seasons in our lives. I want to know what God is doing in my life and how I can join him. I feel so much better about this than I used to feel. For me, New Years Resolutions were all about shame and white-knuckling. "I know what I should do and (scrunch up willpower).......(gasp) (pant) can't do it (shame)" and eeeew~ who'd wanna sign up that?

My mind got changed for the better when I read something by John Eldredge. I seem to recall it was in one of his newsletters. Anyway, I remember him talking about his group of friends and how one new year they wrote down something they really desired God would give them or do for them, in them, through them. Didn't have to be something "spiritual" (which is a whole nother article, cause I think it's all spiritual) but anyway it was something cool and compelling that really spoke from the heart for each person I remember it was fun nonreligious stuff like dancing, travel, stuff like that. Anyway, they folded up their pieces of paper and put them away and then revealed them at the end of the year and God has granted their desires or they had seen something right on the horizon where it was about to happen.

Here's my point. When it comes to turning over to a new season in my life, a new year, and I'm asking myself what to hope for, I wanna be driven by the deep desires of my heart, and I want to do it in the spirit of ask/seek/knock, revealing to God my honest desire and asking him to give/find/open the door. Of course there will be some corresponding action on my part. But I want my corresponding action to be like feel like a lover's scavenger hunt adventure not a desperate search for something that prolly doesn't exist.

Y'see, The Bible says if we take delight in the Lord he will give us the desires of our heart. There's so much in there. And like most things about God, it sounds too good to be true, so resist the urge to dismiss this idea as name-it-and-claim-it-ATM-Theology.

Have you ever taken delight in someone? Like a new baby or a new lover? Remember the adoration you gave to every detail of their body. "Look at her teeny little fingernails! Aren't they perfect!" "Breathe in the musky scent of you and feel how lovely it is to lay my cheek against your belly like a pillow". That's taking delight in. Just adoring every detail about them and celebrating each of their finer qualities by pouring out extravagant love on it. Have you ever done that with God? Have you ever just delighted in learning about his fine qualities and celebrating them by pouring out your extravagant love upon them? "Wow, God, the way I just happened to run into a developer with the coding language I need at a child's birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese, that is so awesome how you did that. Thank you. I love you." or "Wow, God that sunset was just exceptional. Attaboy! Well done!" or "You know God the way you go out of your way to forgive me when I screw up is just way cool and deeply appreciated". You know, stuff like that. So, if you cultivate a lifestyle of doing that, relating to God like that, then your desires will be good desires. You're not gonna be asking for help with a wicked revenge plan or some shit like that. (laughing)

Now. Here's the really cool part. God is generous. And he enjoys giving us the world. Like, he even gets pleasure from it. I know, pleasure and God seem at first glance to be incompatible, but they're not. Jesus said, "It's the Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom." Let that one sink in and it may knock religion off it's high horse.

My friend Eleutheros is a really good husband. Seriously. The way he loves his Mrs. makes the world a better place. Delighted Husband and I were on our way to lunch with them and I complimented his wife (I'll call her Freebird) I complemented Freebird on this ring she was wearing. Not her wedding ring. A bonus ring. She smiled and her eyes sparkled and she said "Honey tell her the story of this ring." Oh my goodness, how their eyes were sparkling! He told us the story of going from place to place, leaving Freebird a little gift, and a clue to the next spot on the journey. Freebird ended up at a jewelry store with a little box given to her and directions to the place for dinner. Only God Almighty knows who derived more joy from this lovers scavenger hunt: Eleutheros or Freebird. God is like this.

So. When I look at the wide white expanse of naked calendar pages with nothing written on them, a whole year's worth, I realize I'm on a lovers scavenger hunt and God has hidden little gifts and treasures and clues for me along the way, and there is a theme and there is a bonus. And there will be directions for me to follow and corresponding actions I must take. But what a joy! Knowing that a lover has planted treats for me to discover and enjoy along the journey. (grin) Cool, huh?

So I don't do New Year's Resolutions. I do a Lover's Scavenger Hunt. I start a new one each year. And as I prepare my heart for the new year and take a gratitude inventory of the last year, I thumb through the desires in my heart for the first clues of the journey.

So, y'all wanna hear some of my first clues?
I want to take up figure skating again. After all these years, since I skated, I still see skating choreography in my head when I hear certain music. And I'm gonna skate again. I am so psyched about this! Now in order to do this, I'm gonna have to do athletic training and develop my strength and skill before I ever take to the ice. But isn't that fun!!! Not just 'ho hum working out because it's what I should do' but "whoo wee today let's work on strengthening my core to increase power and balance" Sound like fun don't it??? (grin)

Any of ya'll wanna share your clues? Your desires that are clues to what God wants to give you in 2009? I'd love to hear them.

Candle on the Porch

2008-12-31T22:31:00.003-06:00

I went for a long walk today, down some of my favorite jogging trails. Walkin' prayin' workin' up a sweat. This song played on the way home.

Burn your fire on the altar
Leave a candle on the porch
I'm still too far away to see it
but I'm aching for it's warmth
and I'm so tired and cold and lonesome
still I hear your song inside
So sing it louder
if you want me home tonight

Far as the curse is found

2008-12-28T18:48:00.000-06:00

There's an obscure line in one of the verses of Joy to the World that makes me weep for the profound gorgeous joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow
Nor thorns infest the ground
He comes to make his blessings flow
far as the curse is found

Anyone who has struggled with addiction—dangit there's that word again—anyone who has experienced sin or sorrow—everybody raise your hand—anyone who has experienced sin or sorrow might understand the way I have been experiencing sin and sorrow: the pervasiveness of it.

Pervasive. Kind of a weird word for, "Dammit that sumbitch is everwhere!!!"
(LAUGH)
Okay. I lost half of you right now. I just cussed twice and quoted a hymn in the same article. (shake my head while smiling)
Welcome to my world, people welcome to my world.
If any of you are still listening (giggle) I have often used gardening as a metaphor for life because I think a garden is such a perfect metaphor for the human heart. And healing, recovery, growth, maturity is all about pulling thorns, pulling weeds, and planting flowers. (and vegetables, fruits and other sundry positive plant life. (giggle) I'm a girl so let's just stick with the flowers okay! Thorns bad flowers good. Nice and simple. Okay?

So back to my word 'pervasive'. I can just visualize myself trying to pull a plant out of one of my flowerbeds. The ol' boy had died and I had to pull it out in order to make room for something alive and beautiful. Well lemme tell you, that plant was pervasive! Those roots were EVERYWHERE. I'd think I'd have them all, then I'd run my cultivator through the dirt and (gameshow buzzer noise) I'd hit another root. After a while, I my face started to get hot and sweaty and instinctively I wiped my face. With my hand. Which was wearing a very dirty glove. Whammo. Insta mud right there on my face. And I'm a girl. and we don't LIKE mud on our face. Instamud or any other kind of mud, thank you.

This went on for over an hour when this lovely southern lady (that would be me) blurted out in a huff: "Dammit that sumbitch is everwhere!!!"

Now you know God already forgave me for cussing or I wouldn't be telling you people. After all, the only one who heard me cuss the first time was God and my flowerbed and my flowerbed ain't talkin'. So I've gone and tattled on myself. Which I did for a reason. To illustrate my next keyword: frustration.

When someone encounters an addiction, and they see how pervasive it is, they invetably feel frustration which is often only a buck shy of despair. I didn't go quite to despair that time in my garden by crying. I threw down my gloves and went inside to take a shower, having resolved to tell my husband about that pervasive plant and ask him sweetly to strongarm it out of the ground for me. That would be the surrender keyword. Surrender.

So I want to go back to the hymn (it's about time I rerail this conversation back to the hymn what with the cussing and all)

No more let sins and sorrows grow
nor thorns infest the ground
he comes to make his blessings flow
far as the curse is found

Oh you guys! This is such good news!
Q: Where does God want to heal us?
A: Everywhere we hurt.

This is why Jesus came. This is why the Angels sang on the night Jesus was born.
Imagine every cold and lonely aching spot in your heart. Imagine inviting Him into those broken places, giving Himself some time and elbow room, and see what He will do.

This is Joy. There are places in my life that are works in progress. Places that I very much desire to see positive change. And yet, I know that I am His and I belong to Him and with Him and that God is 100% delighted in me right now. He has done so much, and He shows no signs of stopping. So I take stock of 2008 and look toward 2009 with joy. Because I know if I keep giving God permission, He will do beautiful, gorgeous, fun, enriching things in my heart, in my body, in my relationships, in my vocation, in my ins and outs of life, good things are coming.

I love you all. Thanks for sharing the journey of 2008 with me.
Mwah! -Sensuous Wife

Spirit in the Senses

2008-12-11T21:05:00.002-06:00

I experienced the loving presence of Spirit tonight, talking to me in the things I know, talking to me through my senses, in the visual serenity of our beautiful room, in the warm glow of candles, in the soothing heat of the Jacuzzi tub, in the scent of bubble bath, in the beautiful music playing on my earphones. I was alone, but I wasn’t. Loving and living the Sacred Romance. Delighted Husband walked in and smiled when he saw me so blissed out. DH wasn’t the main attraction, but he doesn’t mind being pre-empted by Himself.

Esther is My Girl!

2008-12-09T20:20:00.003-06:00

My friend Shawna put out a call on Twitter asking folks to nominate cool women from the Bible that they'd like to read more about. I nominated three and Shawna and I ended up having a great conversation about my girl Esther. Love her! Shawna and Esther. Here's how it went down:

Shawna: Is trying to decide which woman of the Bible I should write about next. Any biblical women you would like to read about?

Shula: How about Rahab? The first hooker documented as doing God's work.

Shula: Or perhaps Abigail who proved that even if you're married to a complete asshole, that God will honor your faith & action

Shula: Or Esther who proved that being a brave warrior queen and a hottie are not mutually exclusive.

Shawna: Those are all great women. I love your take on Esther.

Shula: grin thanks. I love Esther. She's my girl. She reminds me that self care and preparation are valid tools of bravery.

Shawna: I like that take on her. Self care is something I am slowly learning, and I like looking good and feeling beautiful

Shula: (smiles) (hugs) me too, darlin'. I'm still learnin' too.

Shula: Interesting Esther didn't run into the throneroom in a ratty bathrobe hair in curlers screaming "we're all going to die!"

Shula: Nope. Miss Girl prayed and dolled up and walked in calm collected wearing Lancome and a great corset. Betcha boots she did!

I love twitter! I love how twitter makes conversations like this happen.

Love y'all. Good night!

Feeling the Strain and Getting Back on Track

2008-12-04T08:46:00.006-06:00

I'm a real glass is half full kinda gal. It's my nature. I know that gratitude and focusing on the good is a good habit to be in. However, Delighted Husband had an interesting point the other night when he told me he thought perhaps I created a false sense of expectation for you dear readers and us by thinking that DH and I are smokin' the sheets every single time. I was very impressed by Delighted Husband's insight-he's a smart guy and a deep thinker. I've always been very candid about my own story, my own feelings but I've always been very private when it comes to Delighted Husband. I want to respect his privacy. So it's beautiful and interesting and new when he says he wants to give me more freedom to speak more openly about some of our intimate times together that don't quite feel like the 4th of July. Every good beautiful moment that I've blogged about is true and really happened. (boy oh boy did they ever!) but we have our off nights and our misfires and our mixed signals like everyone else. And Delighted Husband tells me he will be wanting me to share about that from time to time. We're shooting for the sweet spot that's good and not perfect, accessible not unattainable.

I'll never blog like Debbie Downer. I don't think I could if I tried. Sex is too beautiful. But there's something to be said for balance, and grace and flexibility. We are human after all. Like all humans, stress affects us. We can learn good coping skills for stress, frankly I think lovemaking is a wonderful coping skill for stress. Whether it's tender or aggressive, lovemaking the bonding the connecting, the endorphins the pleasure the release can all add up to TREMENDOUS stress relief.

But what if the lovemaking doesn't work? What if you're "us" doesn't work? Oh My God the stress that can cause. Somewhere in month two of our house being in dissarray and in various stages of repair and construction, the stress of Delighted Husband's demanding job and long commute, the stress of my long working hours building the store, wanting to offer my best for the sensuouswife.com team, talking to vendors for the store, managing the reconstruction project for our home, giving good effort to self-care at the gym, continuing to eat sober and not use food to stuff my feelings which means there are these emotions to deal with and mannnn are they damned inconvenient! and next thing you know, I'm a grouchypants and everything Delighted Husband does in the simple foibles of life gets on my last nerve, and everything I do in my simple human foibles gets on his last nerve and there are kids who need us and their life is topsy turvy too with the house all under construction and next thing you know, we've got two people who love each other and desperately need to get laid and who unfortunately are very pissed off with each other in the present moment. Lord have mercy Jesus!

So what did we do? We hauled our angry asses off to counseling and we duked it out with kleenex and talking. And we made love every chance we got. And it did not always go so well. When the emotional climate between Delighted Husband and me is good, it is very easy for me to get aroused. When the emotional climate between us is "off", he can touch me in the usual favorite ways and I don't feel the same feelings..the same emotions or sensations. If I feel awkward in my heart, I feel awkward in my body. And I think he does too.

Here's the thing that I often remember and when I do not I wish to JesusGodAlmighty that I had:
When that fine line is crossed and discussing and disagreeing becomes heated arguments and two heartsore people trying to make their point, the beautiful erotic climate is gone. Heated arguments hurl words and angst like throwing rocks. It's like a greenhouse whose glass pane is broken by a rock and all the lovely warm moist air rushes out and it's cold and dry inside and the delicate breathtakingly gorgeous blossoms and the tender green shoots inside start to wither. I love that symbolic image of orgasms and sex being blooming plants inside a greenhouse being the intimate climate of a marriage, because orchids grow in a greenhouse and we all know what orchids look like, don't we? (grin) Seriously y'all, the erotic intimate climate of your marriage must be protected, or you'll lose some delicate gorgeous glorious pleasure and oneness and joy and it will take a while to get it back. How long it takes is up to the two of you, but it will take a while.

Luckily, there's grace.

Grace came for me in the form of my dear dear friends who let me come unraveled in front of them and gave me a soft place to land. I called my friend that lives overseas on skype, buried my face in my hands and just sobbed. Every few seconds, they would reassure me "Oh love, everything will turn out all right."

Grace came for me with a handful of girlfriends that I could share honestly with and tell them the prolonged stress we'd been under had affected Delighted Husband's and my sex life. Not that I shared TMI, but golly moses, some friends would consider just the last few sentences TMI. But not these girls. These dear women. They told me, "So you're human, so what?" and hugged me and prayed for us.

Grace came for me when I was picking up clutter and tidying our bedroom, I was literally on my knees making the bed when a book on the book shelf in my nightstand literally fell off the shelf, to the floor and fell in front of my knees. It was my 9 year old dog-eared copy of The Power of a Praying Wife. I may not be a rocket scientist, but I knew this was God talking to me, so I stayed on my knees, grabbed hold of the book, and knelt at my bed in prayer. Being me, and considering what was bothering us, I flipped to the chapter on His Sexuality, and I prayed this prayer:
"Lord, bless my husband's sexuality and make it an area of great fulfillment for him. Restore what needs to be restored, balance what needs to be balanced. Protect us from apathy, dissapointment, criticism, busyness, unforgiveness, deadness, or disinterest. I pray we make time for one another, communicate our true feelings openly, and remain sensitive to what each other needs. Keep us sexually pure in mind and body, and close the door to anything lustful or illicit that seeks to encroach upon us. Deliver us from the bondage of past mistakes. Remove from our midst the effect of any sexual experience—in thought or deed—that happened outside our relationship. Take away anyone or anything from our lives that would inspire temptation to infidelity. Help us to "abstain from sexual immorality" so that each of us will know "how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor" (1Thessalonians 4:3-5) I pray we will desire each other and no one else. Show me how to make myself attractive and desirable to him and to be the kind of partner he needs. I pray that neither of us will ever be tempted to think about seeking fulfillment elsewhere. I realize an important part of my ministry to my husband is sexual. Help me to never use it as a weapon or a means of manipulation by giving and withholding it for selfish reasons. I commit this area of our lives to you, Lord. May it continually be new and alive. Make it all you created it to be."

And I started to feel a tiny spark of hope in my heart. I remembered the condition of my heart nine years ago when I first prayed that prayer and I took inventory in my mind of all the good things that had come from that since then. I thought, "heck I should just pray all the prayers in this book", so I flipped to the beginning chapter "His Wife". That's when I got a real shellacking because wow was I convicted of my sulky attitude! Get a load of this excerpt from the Chapter His Wife:
"I Don't Even Like Him How Can I Pray for Him? If you are angry at your husband, tell God. Don't let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Instead say, "Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new positive joyful loving forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal that to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so. If there is something I'm not seeing that is adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray you would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang onto my anger toward him and as much as I feel it is justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation."
Whoa Nelly. I have to tell you, folks, I felt peace after I prayed that prayer. I felt drained of the poison inside me. I felt hope. I felt like it could and would get better between us. I love him so much, always have, but for a few days there we were like two porcupines trying to get warm. We wanted cuddles and we kept getting and giving ouchies instead. It was awful.

So, once I got the toxic sludge out of my heart, all kindsa good things happened. My girls kept on praying and lemme tell you what happened next.

My office is in an alcove of the living room, so I get to work close to the fireplace. And as I've told y'all before, every year when it's cold enough to switch on the furnace, I move the Zepplin pillow downstairs in front of the fireplace. So Delighted Husband was lounging on the Zepplin pillow enjoying the fireplace while I was working at my desk. He looked so sweet and relaxed and handsome, and my heart just lurched in my chest and I felt tenderness towards him. I stood up from my desk, and walked over to him and knelt down and straddled him, lay my arms on either side of his body reaching up to hug him and I lay my head on his stomach and just let myself be. We felt so peaceful and calm. The atmosphere of safety and good connection perfumed the air around us. The warm humid healing air was filling up our greenhouse. The warmth of the sun was shining on our wintry cold greenhouse. It felt so good. Nothing erotic at this point. Just love and healing connection. Delighted Husband started murmuring and petting my hair with his hands. The feeling his of his palm wrapped around my head cradling me with his palm like a baby just melted my heart like buttah. I felt so truly safe for the first time in days. ohmyGod.

After a few minutes, Delighted Husband got up from the Zepplin and went upstairs to tuck the DC in bed. I laid there relaxing and feeling safe. I was feeling safe and good and normal but zero horny at this point. Zee-roh. I know this might sound spooky, but sometimes I feel God talking to me in my heart. And I felt this tug on my heart to take off my jogbra. I figured listening to that still small voice has given me only good so far, so I stripped off my bra and just lay there relaxing. I began to anticipate and wait for the sounds of Delighted Husband's footsteps coming down the stairs. I felt eager. I felt eager to surprise him. I felt eager to see his delight on his face. I did not at this point feel horny or overt sexual desire. I was just eager to see what good thing would come from following that still small voice in my heart. Sure enough, Delighted Husband came down the stairs, walked into our bedroom, and not finding me there, he walked into the living room. He took one look at me sprawled on the Zepplin pillow wearing nothing but running tights and a sneaky smile spread over his face. "What are you doing?" he asked. "Waiting for you." I replied.

In 2 seconds, Delighted Husband shucked off his clothes. I lost the running tights.

Grace came for us in the form of a shagfest that relieved us body and soul. I experienced firsthand that Dr. David Schnarch is right when he says that once the initial conflict is resolved properly, sex can be a verry healthy way to rid yourself of aggression. Oh my God, is he right. I came to my belief that night.
In the midst of our glorious rowdyness, I distinctly remember thinking:

I'm.
so.
glad.
they're.
praying.
it's.
worrrrrking!

I won't tell you what I said after that~I'll let Neil have the last word.

Me, Myself and Sally, Rhonda and Wanda

2008-12-02T15:16:00.002-06:00

I just read the most funny and relevant article on how to keep your Wonderland well cared for. Seriously, girls, you're gonna love this. It's not like we never heard of it before, but what a fabulous funny reminder. (walks out of home office toward bedroom looking for Myself)

Keep the Home Fires Burnin'

2008-12-01T21:52:00.004-06:00

I'm really glad we have our Zepplin pillow in front of the fireplace. I'm just sayin'. (smile)

Thankful

2008-11-27T06:19:00.004-06:00

I woke up at the crack of 5:30 in the morning and stumbled into my kitchen to put the ham into the oven for roasting. Really tired and sleepy as I had not slept much over the last coupla days, working till all hours on the site. I checked Twitter for a few minutes and saw several people's posts to MCHammer telling what they're thankful for. Intrigued, and ever being a child of the 80's, I visited MCHammer's twitter profile. He said, "I'm going to place this stream of Thanks underneath the song as a Prayer for you and your family all year long (2009)...What R U Thankful 4?friends, humanity, visions, dreams, ....this is my song of "Thanks" all year long... "Thankful"..http://mchammer.com/ a song of warfare..

Ever the curious cat, I clicked on the link and listened to the song. And I was greeted by the same hip-squirmin' finger snappin' rhythm his music always had. Then I listened to the words. Whoa. In a twinkling moment, I felt like I was wearin' a choir robe and swayin' and sangin' with the gospel choir at a Black Baptist church like I did one summer when I was a little girl. It felt good. Real good.

So then I sat down to type out a reply. Twitter posts are short teeny short blog posts. 140 characters. I knew one post wasn't going to do, so I kept posting. Here is what I said:

that none of my family were injured or killed in Hurricane Ike, our house is still standing, the love of my husband and children

the spark of life within me, the love & creative energy I share with the sensuouswife team, chance to be contagious hope.

being a woman, all the joy and delight I create in my kitchen, laughter having it sharing it, dancing with Delighted Husband

offering beauty to my world what a privilege! what a joy!, the healing love of God that chases after me even when I hide,

the friends who have crawled into my foxhole with me and helped me transform out of suffering and into joy

the loving, healing, life-affirming joy of sex, the glory and the power of it, wild or tender, redemptive healing hotness. one.

thank you for asking me2take inventory of all good things in my life. I woke tired &grouchy to get up & cook.I go to bed happy ...

And on that note, I will go back to bed and snuggle up next to Delighted Husband. Thank you oh friends of blogdom, for sharing your lives with me and allowing me to share my life with you. I love you all and I thank God for you. mwah! -Shula

PS Isn't it so cool how Himself rescued me from resentment and guided me back to gratitude and joy? I'm tellin' ya, Resentment is a sneaky bastard. Gratitude is the cure!

Good Things in Store

2008-11-24T15:02:00.004-06:00

Wow I am one busy blessed woman. Lots going on these days which is why I post when I can. I knew y'all would understand. Lemme tell you some of the good stuff that has Sweet Shula as busy as a one-armed wallpaper hanger!

Website www.sensuouswife.com in full speed development mode. My house getting repairs and remodeled from Hurricane Ike damage. The happy sound of hammering in my house BAMbambam as builder released his contruction mojo on doors and walls and carpet and flooring and, you get the picture. :)

So grateful for a good coach, a wonderful team: web developer, graphic designer, customer service, project manager, pr director; a wonderful spiritual director to nudge me toward balance. I am a blessed woman even if I am a busy girl. Good stuff in store! Literally and figuratively. The store is gonna be beyoootiful. The breadth and quality of products we're going to carry is just delightful. Taking sex out of the bad girl corner and right in the thick of all the other healthy beautiful joys in life-right where it belongs.

Love y'all! Miss y'all! If you don't see me around the blog much, you know I'm workin'.
Sendin' out my love and gratitude,
Shula

Lost my appetite

2008-11-18T10:07:00.004-06:00

I stopped by one of my favorite Mexican places this morning. A cute little joint that is open for breakfast. I needed to refuel after my workout at the gym and it wasn’t far from the home repair store I had to visit next. After ordering a plate of cheese enchiladas and chicken fajitas, I headed for the dining area to pick a table. What I saw next stopped me in my tracks and left me with a tingling feeling in my chest. Two lanky young men in army fatigues were at a nearby table, polishing off breakfast.

My friend that I love so much he calls me Sis and I call him Brother, had just deployed for parts unknown and seeing those young men in army green gave me quite a shock. I immediately began to sob, sat down at the table next to them, ripped off my sunglasses, buried my face in my hands and let the tears come. Love, fear, separation and longing rolled off my cheeks in warm salty tears. “Ask them to help you” came the warm loving thought in my mind that I knew was Himself talking to my heart. I pressed a napkin to my eyes and swallowed. “Excuse me, Sir. Can you help me please?”. They turned and looked at me calmly waiting until I regained my composure enough to speak. The one nearest to me, a lanky blonde with an honest Kansas farm boy face, said “Yes ma’am?” I took a deep breath. “Seeing you two is quite a shock. My brother just deployed from Germany to parts unknown. I saw him last before they moved to Germany. I don’t know where he is, I can’t know. And I didn’t get to hug him goodbye when he deployed, since he deployed from Germany. Would you mind? Could I give you a hug?”

He immediately stood to his feet and held out his arms. I embraced him, taking in his cologne I didn’t recognize and aware that my cheek that I pressed against his neck was wet with tears. At arms length again, I held his gaze for just a moment. “Thank you. I feel better now.” “You’re welcome, ma’am. And good luck to your brother.”

They left immediately. As they walked outside the restaurant, I saw through the window as they climbed into an enormous black dually truck-a total wildatheartmobile. I smiled at this and sighed. I did feel better. Peace replaced the shock and grief in my chest and I turned my attention toward breakfast.

I was not hungry, per se. But I knew I had to eat right after a workout. I managed to eat about one third of the Tex Mex delight the smiling olive skinned cooks had prepared for me. After one last spoonful of salsa verde and rice, I knew I couldn’t eat another bite.

And then I realized what a little golden moment this was for me-the woman who used to eat her feelings. Instead of overeating in an addictive unhealthy attempt to squash my emotions, I had let the tears come, been humble and vulnerable enough to ask for help and receive it, and then found to my grateful delight that food didn’t have an emotional hold on me anymore. It was just fuel. Thank God.-Shula

PS Please pray for Michael and Angela

A Single Reader Asks: Why Do Married Women Have Such a Hard Time Enjoying Sex?

2008-11-16T06:18:00.008-06:00

I get the sweetest letters from y'all. Some letters seeking advice. Some letters sharing their story of overcoming and then coming coming coming. (twinkly-eyed Mona Lisa smile) The letter I'm going to share with you today arrived in the form of a comment. The comment is still on the post she commented on. But there are so many posts. So many comments, that I wanted to bring this one up front and center. Good stuff, darlings. Enjoy.

I'm unmarried and still a virgin (in my 30's), so perhaps I shouldn't be reading this on some puritanical level, but, well, I did.

Anyway, maybe I'll understand more fully when my desires and imaginations give way to actual reality one day if God should give me a husband - in other words, I have to admit that any reaction I have to your writings is definitely not backed up by experience. But I just hafta wonder -

Why is it that marital sex is so often painted as a difficult thing for women to enter into or enjoy? Unmarried teenager girls often cannot contain desire and the sexual opportunities presented to them, and have sex often enough - they don't go dragging their feet to their teenage lovers' sexual advances. Why is it that christian married women so often present sex as something that takes so much work for them to want or to truly enjoy?

I am so eager for the day when a man might take me completely and utterly in love for one another before the Lord. Is it really so hard in actuality? Will I really have to work on it so much or won't it just be able to be something that we rush into with joy and longing naturally, easily, with innocence and overwhelming desire and excitement?

Dear Anonymous,
Sweetheart, there is no way for me to know exactly what your first time will be like. I wish for you with all of my heart that it is a passionate beautiful orgasmic soul-affirming experience.

In answer to your question, why do married women often find it so hard to enter into and enjoy married sex when unmarried teenage girls often cannot and do not contain themselves?

Well the first thing that comes to mind as a reason is married women have such a hard time letting themselves go and abandoning themselves to marital pleasures is that when they were teenage girls they could not and did not contain themselves. The mind is a harsh judge, and the mind/body connection is strong. So often even after a woman believes God forgives her for sex that was too soon, she has a very difficult time forgiving herself and this judge in her head keeps the party in her loins from throwing all the confetti they rightfully deserve while partying with her husband.

Shannon Ethridge made a beautiful illustration of this dynamic when she was on The Today Show. She said so many women internalize the message that bad girls do and nice girls don't. So (my paraphrase here) they get off on bad girl sex. When they put that wedding ring on their finger, it may take much longer than the 5 seconds to put the wedding ring on their finger to convince their mind and heart and body that good girls do, they do it often and they do it with great pleasure that uninhibited pleasure gives them a strong bond with their husband. That's the core message of my novels, that sex doesn't have to be bad to be good. Good sex can be verrrry verrrry good. ;)

Another factor, another potential obstacle to a married woman truly entering into sweet erotic abandon with her husband is messages of shame soaked into her body by other people in her life who treated her body with disrespect or outright abuse. I've been very upfront in my story (see My Story in sidebar) and in the first year of my blog that "my first sexual experience, hell, my first era of sexual experiences, were coerced, and of a very abusive nature". These wounds left shrapnel in my heart and in my mind and through the strong mind/body connection, even in my body. For a long time, places that my abusers touched me would sound off horrid memories of shame and disgust every time that part of my body was touched again. Even when touched by my loving husband. The body/mind connection is strong. And God designed our skin to have a direct hotline to our memory. With the intended purpose to be that we are strongly bonded to our husband by the myriad of pleasurable loving safe passionate GOOD feelings we experience every time that part of our body is touched. The icky sad difficult but not impossible thing is when that part of our body is touched by an abuser and the skin/bonding/memory system built into our heart and body is activated, what we body memory bond to is bad sex, bad feelings and an unhealthy person who had NO business doing what they just did to us. The body has to unlearn. The heart has to unlearn. The mind has to unlearn. But God's healing power is strong. His desire to heal us is unflagging. So we go to safe people, receive love and prayer and therapy and we unlearn the bad stuff and learn the good stuff. It takes time.

So dear one, I had a lot of bad stuff to unlearn. Of course, the wish from my deep heart for you and for every other woman is that you don't have such horrid messages to unlearn. That you can entrust your self to the care of God and entrust your body and heart to the loving tender erotic care of your husband, unleash your feminine force on him and together have the time of your lives! That's the idea, darling!

(big smile)SW

One more thing, as a 30 year old single lady you are most welcome here. My welcome message asks that those under 18 invite their mom to come enjoy my blog or come back when they are older. Hot married sex is worth waiting for, trust me! You are over 18 and desiring healthy sex. So darlin' you are welcome to hang out here and read. I'd love to be a part of your journey toward healthy hot sex with your husband. I'd be honored!

Singin' in the Kitchen

2008-11-14T07:41:00.005-06:00

For as long as I remember, ever since I had my spiritual and sensuous awakening, music has been so important. Such a zesty, vital part of my life.

More often than not, when I'm cookin' dinner, I'm singing. My office adjoins the kitchen, so I'll make playlists of great music and sashay and shimmy and sing in front of the stove. For me, this is about sending out my love and energy and enjoying being joy. for myself. and for my family.

From time to time, I've posted here songs I particularly enjoyed. Now, thanks to a friend on Twitter, I've found an easier way to share the songs I'm dancing dinner to. I've joined blip.fm and become a DJ. (grin)

Y'all I am having so much fun with this! I wanted to share with you for two reasons:
A) Anything joy in my life I want to share (with the exception of certain sacred naked details that Delighted Husband nixes)
B) I've been honest with you guys from the get-go about my tremendous joys, erotic and otherwise, and the high cost of growing it took to get there. But lately, it seems when I have a longer story to tell, it becomes a blog post and when I have a shorter story to tell, it becomes a tweet or a facebook post. And lately, I've had a lot of growing to do, and growing stories tend to be longer.

So I wanted to balance that out and give you a glimpse of some of the sweet moments in my life.

Here's a sampling of my playlist over the last few days. I've found my inner DJ and she LIKES it!
Visit blip.fm/SensuousWife to listen!

SensuousWife Save this one till after the kids go to bed (bites knuckle)

All Would Envy – Chris Botti & Shawn Colvin | pause

posted on Nov 13 at 3:43 pm

SensuousWife Is it too much to ask? I wanna full house and a rock-n-roll band and passionate kisses from you!

Passionate Kisses – Mary Chapin Carpenter | play

posted on Nov 13 at 5:32 pm

SensuousWife Shut up and kiss me. Nuff said.

Shut up and Kiss Me – Mary Chapin Carpenter | play

posted on Nov 13 at 3:30 pm

SensuousWife Perfect kitchen dance music. Flour on the apron and everything!

La Vie En Rose – Grace Jones | play

posted on Nov 13 at 3:26 pm

SensuousWife The guitar is organic pure & Neil's vocal is sexy as allgetout. (shiver) if you really listen to the words, you'll blush.

Forever In Blue Jeans – Neil Diamond | play

posted on Nov 13 at 3:15 pm

SensuousWife Singing this song makes me feel like my heart has taken wing. Joy despite pain feels so good!

Change The World – Eric Clapton | play

posted on Nov 13 at 5:02 pm

Checking In

2008-11-13T13:07:00.000-06:00

I don't know how far I'm going to go with the addiction terminology because you know I'm too much of a bird in flight to focus on the negative. But I've had some harsh realizations lately about how often I was medicating my self, numbing my feelings by using food. The first few days were harsh. Really harsh. How many days is it? How many days has it been? I cannot remember which is a goshdarned blessing in itself. I'm no longer white-knuckling it and counting the days.
(pause)
(sigh)
(smile)
Cool. That's something to celebrate. So anyway, what I was saying earlier is all caveats aside, there's a term I heard from AA "Hi I'm (name) and I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic." The key word here is grateful.
I am grateful.

There's a line from a movie that comes to mind; a movie called The Doctor. In the movie (Netflix it you'll enjoy it) William Hurt plays a doctor that is a cariacature of the obnoxious-SOB-who-thinks-he's-God-doctor. As the movie progresses, the doctor learns he has a fatal disease and has a short time to live. And he changes his life from the inside out, because he knows he only has a while to live. While the doctor is engaging in a random act of kindness, one of his colleagues is surprized and asks him what he is doing. The doctor's reply: I have an illness that has given me permission to live like I like because I won't be living much longer. They key phrase for me is "gives me permission".

I don't have a fatal illness, but if I let this addiction to food run wild, it could destroy my health. It could have become fatal. Easy. And I have found that by living my life sober (which for me is eating with gratitude and joy until I'm no longer physically hungry and not to numb or stuff my feelings) by living my life sober, and working to stay sober, has given me permission to do some really brave stuff.

I'll give you an example.

Several days of not eating sugar when I want to "calm my nerves" (read: stuff my feelings) several days of this has made it really clear to me that resentment is often the trigger to me having the urge to eat addictively. Another AA quote comes to mind "resentment will kill ya" or "resentment is an emotion I cannot afford if I want to stay sober". Damn! Those AA folks really have some wisdom don't they? (grin) So anyway, my point is if I want to eat healthy and not eat addictive I have to deal with my resentment.

This morning, I shared a tearful phone call with the roomate I lived with when Delighted Husband and I got engaged. I moved out soon thereafter when I-oh how do I say this without maligning her? Sigh. Let's just say our friendship and my living there ended badly and I felt forced into buying my way out of the lease. I could say more, but that's enough. The point is that I has resentment towards her.

So I haven't seen this gal in years and years. Twelve or thirteen years. I had done some forgiveness work in counseling and I felt it was a good outcome that angry thoughts of her no longer entered my mind. Live and let live and all of that.

Well this morning, she and I spent a half hour on the phone with both of us taking turns crying and her telling me she loved me and she was so sorry and me telling her I loved her and I forgave her. She prayed for me that I would be healed. And I was.

Now how in the sam hill did this happen??

This happened because I kept running into mutual friends of her every.where. and thoughts of her, no fear of running into her, this bone deep anxiety just permeated my thoughts. And when bone deep anxiety permeates my thoughts, you know what I am tempted to do, dontcha?

Medicate my feelings with chocolate. Or any other sugar I can get my hands on. After a few days, I knew I had to deal. I knew if I didn't deal with this situation, deal with her one way or another that I was going to act addictively.

My connection with this mutual friend made it possible for me to send a message to Roommate Girl via email. I typed out this message:
(name)
Out of the blue, God has brought you to mind several times over the last few days. I think God wants to heal a piece of my heart. Would you help me? Maybe you will feel healing too.
I'd like to call you and talk for 20 minutes or so. What is a good time and a good number for you?
(my name)

Through the same grapevine chain, came this reply:
I would love that. My cell number is (number) and you can most easily reach me during (time)

So I called her.

Now I had done my homework with God early this morning. I sat down with my journal and wrote out what I wanted to say to her, what I hoped to say to her if I actually had the courage to go through with it. Basically, I told our parting story from my point of view using I statements instead of you statements and telling what her actions were and what my feelings were. I cried several times while writing it, and I cried a lot after I finished writing it. I felt what I can only describe as God comforting me. Just a peace and that Himself was proud of me.

When I called Roommate Girl, I reasurred her that I didn't hate her and that I just wanted to feel free of pain and resentment and would she please let me talk from my heart for a few minutes. She said that would be okay. I broke down crying a few times as I told my story. Our story. The story of how our "us" died. When I started crying and stopped talking, she actually encourged me to keep going. At the end of my story, I told her "could you maybe love the me from all those years ago and could you maybe find a kind word to say to her?"

And she did.

Oh my God. She did. She told me she loved me and she deeply regretted her actions and that she didn't want me to hurt anymore and that one of the things that hurt me the most was actually a huge misunderstanding. Which could be bullshit, but it's not. It wasn't. She actually was able to explain how one of her actions which broke my heart in two was actually driven by a different motive than the one I had ascribed to it. But by that point back then, we weren't talking anymore. So. I find out she made big mistakes back then, which I knew, I found out she didn't have quite the hateful motive I interpreted at the time, which I didn't know. The most important thing I found out that I didn't know was that Roommate Girl still loved me and she didn't want me to hurt anymore.

Oh.
My.
God.

And if I had stuffed these feelings with food, I would have never found this out.
Ever.

So you see why I'm grateful?

Love,
Shula

What Does Sex Addiction Sound Like?

2008-11-13T12:00:00.005-06:00

This is what it sounds like to me.

I was sweatin' with my girls at the gym when this song came up on the playlist. It's got a great groovy beat so I was enjoying the groove while I was on the lat pull machine. As I listened to the words, I pang of compassion sprang out of my heart and I thought, "Poor darling. That sounds like sex addiction." I hesitate to post this because I want to be known by what I am for not what I am against. But I have to tell you darlings, I don't believe the sexual behavior expressed in this song is going to yield the kind of high impact erotic joy I want for all of you. I'm just sayin'

Fast Love by George Michael

Looking for some education
Made my way into the night
All that bullshit conversation
Well baby can't you read the signs?

I won't bore you with the details baby
I don't even want to waste your time
Let's just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, i ain't Mr. Right

But if you're looking for fastlove
If that's love in your eyes
It's more than enough
Had some had luck
So fastlove is all that I've got on my mind
Gotta get up to get down
Gotta get up to get down
Gotta get up to get down

What's there to think about baby?

Looking for some affirmation
Made my way into the night
My friends got their ladies,
They're all having babies
But i just want to have some fun

I won't bore you with the details baby
Gonna get there in your own sweet time
Let's just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, i ain't Mr. Right

But if you're looking for fastlove
If that's love in your eyes
It's more than enough
Had some had luck
So fastlove is all that I've got on my mind
Gotta get up to get down
Gotta get up to get down
Gotta get up to get down

What's there to think about baby?
Get yourself some lessons in love

In the absence of security
I made my way into the night
Stupid cupid keeps on calling me
But i see nothing in his eyes
I miss my baby, oh yeah
I miss my baby tonight
So why don't we make a little room
In my BMW babe
Searching for some peace of mind
Hey I'll help you find it
I do believe that we are practicing
The same religion
You really ought to get up now

Looking for some affirmation?
Gotta get up to get down
Gotta get up to get down
Gotta get up to get down

At the end of the song, the instrumental closing fades off and it's almost as if you can feel the shame and loneliness rolling in like fog. It made me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. Now darlings, I've made it no secret that I have struggled with and continue to struggle with food addiction. I'm human like everyone else. I am no better and no worse than anyone. There's not a muscle in my body that wants to judge anyone. Me a judge? Jesus Mary and Joseph! Who are we kidding?! But since I've stopped lying to myself and the people in my life since I stopped stuffing my feelings down with food, I find there are things that I see whether I want to see them or not. Dammit! And that was a really groovy song, too. Now all it says to me is sadness.

My First Video

2008-11-09T22:37:00.006-06:00

God has been working on my heart big time. I have been doing well to process and keep up with it in real time. Lots of soul searching and prayer and humility and then quantum leaps of growth and healing. Taint easy. I am so so so lucky to have an inner circle of friends that I can talk with and they will love me and accept me and pray for me and encourage me to process and grow. This weekend, I took a long walk. I was gone for several hours, solitude and journaling and duking it out with God. Going without sugar or any kind of emotional eating for several days has been like a fast that has revealed many areas in my heart that needed to be healed and forgiven.

After one particularly intense rant, I had a moment where Jesus became so real and relevant for me. I was angry about a situation, at someone in particular and I was telling God about it. I was legitimately angry for some wrongs done to me and I told God, "God I just want to punch them!" and in my heart I heard this thought. It was as though Jesus answered me saying "I was punched and beaten. Can what was done to me be enough. Cause that person deserves a good punch and I was beaten up, can it be enough what was done to me?" This so shocked me that I stopped in my tracks. Peace seeped in to that angry pit in my stomach, and I let it go.

As I was walking back around the lake, I was startled to see all these golden sparkly lights on the water. It was only visible from that one point on the lake. This song was playing on my phone's mp3 player at the time. I stood there and just drank in the beauty. I got to wishing so so badly that I could record this. I've never seen golden lights sparkling at random on the water quite like that. I decided to at least take a picture. And while I was monkeying around with the camera settings I discovered my camera phone would shoot video. I had not known this! So I held the phone as still as I could and took the video. I'm not gonna win any awards for cinematography but I hope you can sense the peace and tranquility and beauty that overwhelmed me that day in such a lovely good way.

Stand

2008-11-09T08:21:00.002-06:00

This song was playing on the alarm clock this morning. I soaked up every word. Hope your hearts drink it in like mine did. This is day seven of sober eating.
Love,
Shula

Starlight Walk

2008-11-08T21:39:00.004-06:00

Tonight Delighted Husband and I went for a walk around the neighborhood. It was such a pleasure to walk next to him with my hand around his arm just above his elbow. He's tall and I could tell he slowed down a bit so I didn't have to scamper to keep up with him. I enjoyed watching our feet match strides. Each of us wearing our running shoes, alike yet different. Unity in diversity. It was such a pleasure to enjoy his company. I don't know quite how to put it into words. It was just a joy to be together.

God Must Want Me to Work Out Today

2008-11-05T17:25:00.003-06:00

I blurted this out in frustration while I was at the bank trying to cash my Ike insurance check for the umpteenth time. Remember the mortgage company that ate my 1st check? Well, they're up to shenanigans and foot dragging again. This time at the local branch. But I'm not here to fuss about the bank.

The point is, I am learning to associate exercise as the preferred method of stress relief.

This is a big deal.

A very good thing.

After the 2nd hour spent arguing with mortgage company, I drove to the gym and I didn't just do the workout, I attacked the circuit training equipment. I sweated. I grunted. I groaned. I carried on. Some of the sweet old ladies at the gym discreetly stared. I didn't care. I was just glad I was working out in the gym and not throwing a tantrum in the bank lobby. By the time I was done with my workout, my hair was wet and dripping sweat onto my shoulders. And I felt peaceful and even euphoric. The only other time I've felt so peaceful, sweaty and euphoric was. Well, you know.

This is day 3 of no sugar.

The mood swings are not fun. It's withdrawal, just like any other addiction.
I made good choices today.

The next time somebody pisses you off, say, "God must want me to work out today!"

Beach Business Trip

2008-10-31T16:40:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOD

My dear girlfriend offered to keep DC for 4 days because DH has wangled things so I can go with him on his business trip. A nearly free marriage getaway! PRAISE THE LORD AMEN.
Let the hooting and hollering commence.
And y'all know I want this thing covered in prayer. whoo hoo!!!

Golly Moses I need this. We didn't think we'd be able to afford a vacation for just the two of us this year what with Ike and me building the store at home and not doing corporate work. But God sure showed us.

Wow, you guys!!
Love,
SW

PS Did I mention 4 wheel drive shagmobile on the beach? (biting knuckle and smiling)

Sensuous Wife Shrinks

2008-10-30T12:34:00.000-05:00

Well darlings I have decided to screw up my courage and really go for it.
God has given me so much healing in my marriage and sexuality and emotional and physical health, I've decided to be brave and dare to hope Himself will also bring healing to my weight. It's an interesting place to be. I feel gorgeous and sexy now. I don't feel unpretty or unsexy. But my doctor, Beloved Endocrinologist, really wants me to lose weight. Since I'm being treated for a metabolic disorder, the Atkins low carb way is the best match for me.

I feel so nervous!!

I have lost weight before eating the Atkins way, and I did very well. The problem is not the eating plan. The problem is emotional eating. I have lost 15 pounds, gotten some momentum, and then hit an emotional wall and gained 5 pounds back. I'm still at net loss of 10 which is good. And I want more.

I feel like this is the last battle for my heart. The last place in my life that needs to be healed. It's not that I want to look like anyone else. I am so tired feeling victory failure and frustration in this area of my life. I want to conquer this area of my life. I want to be the curvy, athletic girl I used to be.

On the fun side, Delighted Husband and I have looked at each other with a gleam in our eye thinking about some of the hot stuff we could do if I were smaller and more flexible and had more, er, stamina. (blush) (grin) In the few months I have been working out at the gym, I have been amazed at how much faster and easier I can orgasm. Lord only knows what else might be in store for Delighted Husband and me! I intend to find out.

So, does this sound like a good goal? Is this something y'all think you could support?

Love,
Shula

Committment, Cleavage & Confidence

2008-10-28T09:24:00.007-05:00

I've said it before. Wearing great lingerie gives every wife a sense of confidence and joy, even sassyness. Whether you're at the kids soccer game, in a business meeting, grocery shopping at SuperTarget, or on a date with your DH....
knowing you look great all under makes you feel good all over.
And no, I don't work for Victoria's Secret. I just love feeling good about being a sexually confident wife and inviting my girlfriends to feel good being sexually confident wives too. And this bra comes in a wide range of sizes. Like sexually confident wives. ;)

Simple Erotic Nurturing

2008-10-24T12:34:00.001-05:00

In so many things in life, success is not about doing some far-out, unheard-of thing. Success is about doing simple things well and doing them consistently. This is true about sex. I can just SEE the grins on the faces of you dear readers. All roads lead to sex on SW's blog. Well, most of 'em. What can I say? It's my calling. (blush) (grin) So back to doing simple things and doing them well.
Nurturing words.
Talking during sex. Some of you love talking "dirty", smokin' hot, sultry, sexy, etc during sex. And good for you! I certainly talk like that some times. ;) Some of you may feel "not so much" about the "dirty" talk. Some of you may feel talking bold and playful with your mate there's nothing dirty about it.
Either way, doing the simple stuff and doing it well is always a good idea.
Here are some good examples of simple nurturing things to say during foreplay, sex, or afterplay.

I'm happy to be married to you
I desire you
I love looking at you
You're strong
You're beautiful
I love my life with you
I thank God for your body
I'm happy to be married to you
I want you
You're special
I love it when you touch me there
You feel so good
I love how your (body part) is (adjective)
That's so cool! I can see your (body part) (verb)!
You're so hot
Oooh, do that again!
I love making love to you

See? Ladies, you've heard most of these before. But when's the last time you said them?

Men, what do you think? Would you like to feel your wife's warm breath on your cheek whispering some of these nurturing words in your ear while she runs her hands down your back and squeezes your bum?

My thanks to Dr. Doug Weiss at sexaddict.com, some of these nurturing words are adapted from his "Best Sex for Women Only" resource.

PS There are some words that only Delighted Husband will hear me say. And that is so great. Each couple's private language helps create their own erotic world.

It Ain't Easy, But You Are So Worth It

2008-10-23T06:45:00.003-05:00

I woke up today in a cold sweat with an awful sense that something was wrong and I had no idea what it was. Some of you who have been reading with me for a while might not be surprised at this. It's not uncommon for a flareup of vague nameless fear to crop up after a victory. I call this a battle for my heart, and it's happened before. Hell, there's a whole category for it. I have to smile at that. There's a whole category for it. For some reason, that is just so funny to me. A great big smile has spread across my face. Here's the payoff for being humble and accountable. People know where you're at.

So I sat up for an hour or so, trying to snap out of it and getting nowhere. So I went back to bed. I told Delighted Husband, "I woke up in a cold sweat at 4:30 with a vague sense that something was terribly wrong and I don't know what it is. I've been sitting in the living room trying to figure out what it is, and I don't know what it is. So I figured if I'm going to not know, I may as well come back here and be warm while I don't know."

Delighted Husband snuggled up to me, and mumbled in a sleepy voice, "If you don't know what's wrong then nothing's wrong. The thief comes to steal kill and destroy" and then he began to snore.

Just like that, I was filled with peace.

Oh, after seeing it happen a few hundred times, I am learning!

Huge strides up the mountain are sometimes interspersed with little bouts of vertigo.
Don't jump off the mountain.
Just hold onto your partner.
Ask them to pass the container of oxygen.
Stand still and breathe deeply.
Rest and collect yourself.
When you feel ready, move one foot forward.
You are so worth it!

Love,
SW

The Healing Power of Story

2008-10-22T08:39:00.012-05:00

Some friends of mine have been praying for me.
Wow, when they pray, they pray, and stuff happens.
This is what they were praying about and I will tell you what happened.

I have a group of friends that I used to be quite close to a few years ago. Much misunderstanding and unhealthy dynamics with a few and it ended badly. Several still wanted to maintain relationship with me but I found it too painful, and made a clean break from the whole bunch. Lately, I have been encountering reminders of some of these old friends. Seemingly out of the blue. I've been having a powerful longing to reconnect yet a horror of the train wreck repeating and a knowledge that the dividing issue has never been resolved. I need wisdom and protection. If it is God that a reconciliation take place, then He must open the doors. If it is God's will that I have peace and be free from the longing for a reunion, then so be it.

I stayed awake till after midnight Monday night, thinking about each friend I have lost and receiving the same comfort from God I received right after the train wreck. Hymns really spell comfort for me. So I listened to Chris Rice's new album Peace Like a River. Over and over.

In the morning, I was exhausted. I went back to bed for a while, after seeing my family off to work and school. Then my reminder alarm went off telling me it was time to get ready for my lunch appointment.

All the sudden, it hit me: "I am missing out on a real live local opportunity to enjoy a lunch someone here invited me to because I'm all tired and sleepy because sat up till all hours of the night mooning over some lost friendships who live far away and I haven't talked to in nearly 3 years. What the heck am I doing??"

So I snapped out of it and started getting dolled up.

Now you women will understand this prolly better than you men.
Getting dolled up makes me feel good. This was not a romantic lunch date. It was my agent who I have known and worked with for years. This lunch at the restaurant of my choice was my reward for going to an interview out in the boondocks in rush hour traffic. Nice agent huh? Anyway, the point is, for me especially since I have been working at home in my no-makeup gym clothes for the last month, it was a real shot in the arm to get all dolled up in a nice outfit and go to my favorite restaurant in the Galleria district.

Once I got there, my agent showed up with my other agent (bonus!) who also works at the same talent agency. One agent is a man the other agent is a woman. Both of them love me and have been very good to me. I love them too and they know it. So we're eating these fancy salads and they ask, "so what are you working on these days?" and I said I was supervising contractors who repair my house after the hurricane, I was working with a literary agent, and I was writing content and doing project management on a new online retail website. (wink wink y'all know what that website is!)

So they were very loving and encouraging asking me about the literary agent first. They have both known for quite a while that I write novels. Then they said "so tell me about this website". So I told them it was my first time to do the project manager role for new websites instead of the writer role. I explained the stuff I've learned about keeping track of who's doing what and who's waiting for who. The developer has to code so and so before the writer can write such and such.

I'm keeping it all cool and professional. Like I'm talking about just another gig.

Then God said, "tell them the whole story".

So I did.

I started off by saying "this project has been rewarding for a "pay it forward" kind of reason. This project is giving me the chance to combine my hobby and my work."

"Oh really?? That's wonderful! Tell us about it!"

I did not blurt out, "I sell sex toys".

I said, "I had some really bad things happen to me in my childhood. And you know what, I took myself in, sat myself down in the chair, paid my $95 an hour and I dealt with my stuff. And I reached a point where my therapist said, "You're like the poster child for sexual abuse recovery. You should totally write a book." and I said "yes!". I knew from my writing career how long the book writing process was, and I wanted to strike while the iron was hot and get my story out there while I had the nerve, so I started a blog.

They made encouraging sounds, so I continued.

"The cool thing about a blog, is you have a thought, you push send and bam its out there for the world. No query letters. No endless book critique groups. You have a thought. You type it out. You press send. Bam. You're done.

Now, when I first started my blog, I didn't know anything about blogging. I didn't know anything about stats. I was sure that
A) no one was reading this and
B) if they did read it, I would be tarred and feathered.
But you know what? I still found great power and consolation in telling my story. By speaking out. Even though I thought I was speaking out in an empty room, I was speaking. And it felt good to tell my story. It felt real good.

I sat there at the marble topped table of this beautiful restaurant and rested in their gaze. These two lovely human beings were giving me their full attention. Oxygen for the storyteller's soul.

Several months later, somebody told me about stats and I started tracking visitors. And I discovered that people were reading my story. Lots of people. And they were telling other people to come and read it. (open mouthed wide eyed look of amazement) That was a year and a half ago.

How many people? My agent asked. And I told him how many thousands of you dear people come here and read my story. The agents made happy sounds. I felt the same good overwhelming feeling I always feel every time I think of you dear men and women showing up here and reading what I have to say. Y'all have no idea how precious you really are.

I quickly added, "But here's the best part. I get these emails. Women from all over the world write me and say, "I read your story, and it took me 6 times to read it all the way through cause I kept crying. But I did read the whole thing. And I knew it was my time for healing. So I went for counseling, and that was several months ago, and my marriage is doing so much better." Oh my God, you guys, can there be anything better than that?

I just about cried to think of it, I felt so bowled over.

So over the next couple of years, I began to mentor wives, to mentor couples and it was very common for them to ask me for recommendations for toys and accessories.

I glanced up quickly. Neither agent spewed tea out of their mouth or looked like they needed a defibrillator. Good sign.

So most of these couples were dealing with some amount of sexual abuse or sexual addiction issues. So I was very protective of these women. Because I know from my own experience, that the vibe the feel the atmosphere of some of these toy stores made me feel a little uncomfortable. And my concern was that one of these women who had reached a place of healing in her life and was ready to be brave and do something a little spicy for her marriage, might shop at a store that she felt uncomfortable with, and then she might say, "Oh I tried that it wasn't for me." and then she might give up.

"Oh just when she's going for it in her marriage"....they said sympathetically

I nodded. "Yes."

So one time a husband asked me to recommend a store that would be sensitive to his needs as someone recovering from sexual addiction issues, I said, "you know what, I've been an authorized reseller for quite some time, but I haven't done much with it. Now that I know my job is going to be coming to an end, maybe now is the right time to start a store. Let's think about it pray about it see what develops"

In less than 24 hours, I started getting emails with orders. Now I don't even have a store at this point, I'm just thinking about it and I'm getting orders.

The next day, this wonderful couple that own a professional web development company talked with me and offered to help me. They said, "we think what you're doing is a ministry and we want to help you." I opened my mouth and said "Yes! I accept!" Another friend said they wished they could help if they didn't live several states away. I told her, "you don't have to live here to help. Be my virtual assistant." So this team of wonderful people just grew up organically around me!

I am smiling. The agents are smiling. They're totally tracking with me. This feels so good!

This has been a real challenge to me as a writer. And fun! On one hand, it's easy because I'm writing from my heart. How many branding campaigns have I written? I've lost count. The branding campaign for this site I wrote in 48 hours. It wrote itself. And it was fun! And funny! And playful!

They smile. I smile. My professional and personal worlds are colliding and it feels so good!

Some of the writing has been challenging. On one hand, as a writer, I have to write about the products in a favorable way. On the other hand, as a woman who has been in recovery for 16 years, I have to write about these products in a way that shows sensitivity and compassion for those who are struggling with abuse or addiction issues. So I really wrote from my heart. And I came up with a solution. I put the Liberator Black Label products in their own section of the store, and in the welcome message for that section, I wrote: "This is not for everyone. Take what you like and leave the rest. If you've reached a place in your recovery that you're ready to say, "hold still honey, you're gonna love this!" then welcome to this section of our store."

Agent says, "You did not say that!"

I grinned. "Yes, I did."

Agent says, "Oh that's fabulous!" and we both laugh. I feel amazing!

The agents prepare to leave for a meeting. It's a cordial goodbye, and more than that, I feel like something has shifted inside my heart.

So you can see why (mutual friend other agent) says "This is the coolest thing I wish you could put on your resume!"

I'm grinning. Sharing an inside joke.

Agent is dead serious.
"You may feel differently about that someday. I think what you're doing is amazing."

After they leave, I stand there next to our table and take stock of this feeling in my heart. I feel a thrill and a nervous tingling inside my chest. But it isn't fear. It's energy. It's excitement. It's power.
Power?
And then it all makes perfect sense.
During the early years of my recovery, I told my story, the sad story of my abuse. Sitting there on folding chairs in support group meetings, I told my story. And every time I told my story, I felt stronger. And here I am today, on the flip side. Telling my story, the happy story of my healing and my business. Sitting there on a cushy banquette in a good restaurant, I told my story to my real life friends who have known me and worked with me for years. And I feel stronger. Much much stronger.

This is the Healing and the Power of telling my Story. Wow.

Love Her

2008-10-21T16:36:00.007-05:00

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
-Theodore Hesburgh

I searched all over the web looking for a picture that would illustrate this beautiful truth and found it right there in my community list, on Michael and Angela's blog. Michael loves his four children, no doubt, and he loves their mother too. VERY much.

Isn't this a powerful image?

(I've heard this quote for years and never knew who said it first. Kind thanks to CaMarriage who posted this quote on Twitter. )

Sensuous Wife Dines Out: Key Lime Pie

2008-10-15T13:36:00.000-05:00

When it comes to food, it's not just the flavor, it's the texture. This is never more true than with dessert. The chef at Houston's J. Alexander's knows this well, and his key lime pie is sublime. Delighted Husband and I honeymooned in the Florida Keys, so I've sampled a lot of key lime pie, and I've never had key lime pie as sublime as this Houston rendition. Did I just use the word sublime twice in one article?
Yes ma'am I did.

The plate is simple and square and curves up at the tips as though it hugs something special. Pebbles of crust sprinkled over the plate trickle from the wall of crust that shores up the placid lemony layer topped by a tower of fresh whipped cream. I touch my fork to the cream first, watch the tower fall over as lift the first bite to my eager tongue. The cream is smooth and light and velvety and barely splashed with vanilla. The pie filling is so smooth and satiny it is almost slippery in my mouth. A startling tartness! Then the faintly sweet crumbly crust that is a hybrid of pecans and graham crackers. Each of the three is delightfully well executed, but the whole is FAR greater than the sum of its parts. Gestalt dessert! Whooda thought?

Meme: Six Uninteresting Things About Me

2008-10-13T07:02:00.009-05:00

Meme Terms and Conditions
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. List six unspectacular things about you.
4. Tag six other bloggers by linking to them.

Lord have mercy! This has got to be the hardest writing assignment I've had in a long time. I've been writing for more than half my life and the mantra drilled into my head was 'make it interesting'. Lordy. Doing this meme is like entering a cooking contest for "the worst recipe ever". Well dangit. This meme came from someone I really love, so I can't just conveniently forget to get around to it, so I'll have to tweak this assignment so I can actually pull it off.

6 Odd Quirky Trivial Things About Me That You Can Decide On Your Own Whether Or Not You Might Find Them Interesting:

I like tea and filtered water and I drink a lot of it.
I like sex and and my husband and I play together every chance we get.
I like writing and have found it essential to my self-expression since age 7.
I like worship because of the sense of presence and unaloneless that it gives me and because I enjoy loving on someone I adore.
I like singing and have found it essential to my self-expression since age 2. I don't believe I could drive or cook or take a shower without singing.
I'm a big fan of nonsexual touch. It's very common to find me squeezing my friends' hand while we talk, or leaning my head companionably on their shoulder while we sit side by side.
I like to laugh and do it every chance I get. I get a lot of chances as those around me will attest. I have actually been asked by my friend who is a comedian to come to his live performances and "salt" the audience with my giggles.
One of the loveliest side effects of my spiritual and sensuous awakening is a renewed enjoyment for kinetic movement. Dance, cycling, playing chase with my kids, powerwalking, circuit training all feel fun to me. I used to be an brainy gal who only lived in her head. I am so over that.
I believe in lagniappe as a lifestyle, so it felt right to give a little more on these lists.

Okay now onto tagging some of my friends in blogdom. I find it especially fun to tag friends I've met fairly recently and friends I'd like to know better and friends I've known forever. Sort of a friendly nudge on the shoulder that says "hey I'd like to know more about you, you big goober." (mischievous grin)

So cough up the trivia, folks!
Cory from Husbands and Dads,
Village Idiot from Tohu and Bohu
David at Naked Pastor,
Cori from My Heart His Heart
Kyra from Lonely Housewife's Refuge
Desmond from Running In the Yard
Shawna from Life In the City

Love,
Shula

The Sexually Confident Wife

2008-10-11T14:02:00.012-05:00

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then the drawings in Shannon Ethridge's book spoke volumes. Joy! Delight! Smiles! Confidence! and Creativity! come in all sizes, races and positions. That's what these pictures said to me, along with a reallllly great position to try in the shower. ;)

I've got a bookshelf full of books that taught me sexual positions and techniques, and I'm grateful for every one. But as I mentioned on the phone during a girlfriend-to-girlfriend talk, nothing has a greater impact on a woman's sexual experience than how she feels about herself when she walks in the bedroom. Shannon understands this very well, and her book The Sexually Confident Wife has lots of relevant encouraging things to say to women like us who could use a dose of sexual confidence. True confidence is found in embracing our sexuality as a gift from God.

She's very frank in this book, and I loved it. During the two days I took to read it, I alternately laughed, slapped my palm on my desk saying "you go girl!" or dabbed a few tears as she shared from her heart about her body image issues.

Shannon's been there, and she's got a lot of practical encouragement for wives who want to feel more confidence, more orgasms, and a stronger more beautiful bond with their husband. I've tasted the joy of being a sexually confident wife, and I want more. Her book is still on my nightstand and it will be featured in the store.
Read on, darlings, and become the sex goddesses you were meant to be.

Love,
SW

Hottie Hot Tea

2008-10-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

I like hot tea. In a pretty teapot. I like it hot and sweet and oh dang this is starting to sound sexy! (snicker) (full blown GUFFAW) (cough) Okay. (smirk) Seriously. I want to describe the perfect cup of tea. I like fragrant tea with a bit of aromatic twist to it, so I like Earl Grey or Constant Comment. Either one. Sweetened liberally with Splenda. Doused heavily with cream. Not some manmade corn syrup solids mishmash like Coffee Mate, real cream as in from a cow. Heavy whipping cream preferably although half and half will do. I add enough cream so the tea is lightened to a pale khaki color. The color of Dockers. Drink hot in a cup with matching saucer. OR drink cold over ice.

My sister in law, the Brit, calls my Hottie Hot Tea "cream of tea soup". SIL makes her own batch of tea separately when she stays with me. I have taken to buying a box of PG Tips tea and keeping in my pantry for when she visits. She likes her PG Tips tea strong enough to walk and barely splashed with regular or skim milk. She doesn't do sugar or sweetener.

I know sugar is for the purists, but I save my sugar for Southern Girl Sweet Tea. When it comes to Earl Grey or Constant Comment Hot Tea, Splenda seems to do the trick.

Enjoy this tea, you hotties!

I'm lifting my steamy teacup in salute of my friend Lainie over at lainiesips.com. She's got one heckuva tea blog!

Sensuous Cook

2008-10-09T12:19:00.003-05:00

I've started writing and photographing recipes while I cook and calling it The Sensuous Cook, which I'm compiling as a book and will share here and on a new blog Sensuous Cooks. Fun eh? Cause of course "alive to pleasure received through the senses" includes taste. Does it ever! And if you dance and sing while you cook it, so much the better.

I can hardly cook without music. My office is close to the kitchen and I'll cue up a playlist of music while I'm makin' dinner. I'll dance around the island and shimmy in front of the stove.
One of my favorite singers to cook to is Neil Diamond:
"warm touchin' warm reachin' out touchin' me touchin' you sweet caroline bah bah bahhh good times never seemed so good SO GOOD SO GOOD duh duh duh i'd be inclined bah bah bahhh..." and next thing you know we have a crab alfredo made from scratch. God, I love being a woman.

Legacy of Love

2008-10-05T18:45:00.009-05:00

Delighted Husband and I spent this afternoon in the garage sorting through belongings from our attic that were damaged during Hurricane Ike. We've been married for nearly 12 years and some stuff was mine before we were married. There's a lot of stuff!

I want to mention first that this is some of the stinky stuff in the attic mentioned here. I don't do it perfectly, but I like to keep things organized, so nearly all of our stuff in the attic was stored in cardboard banker boxes. Those banker boxes acted like sponges, soaking up all the water in the attic when the roof leaked during the hurricane. The wet cardboard was breaking down deteriorating in the heat and smelled awful! But now the cardboard had dried and it was time to sort through them and be done with it.

Some things were ruined and had to be claimed.
Some things were—to my great delight—salvageable.
I want to tell you about one of those things.

Two of the many boxes were things from my single life and girlhood that I had kept and brought into marriage. One box was full of books and journals from the years when I first began my healing journey. Relics of the heart. This box-out of all the damaged boxes-the contents of this box were completely unharmed. I was so glad to see this, and I made a note on the index card which book titles were in there in case anyone ever needed it and I could give it away. There was plenty of work to do, so I quickly folded together a nice clean banker box and began to move the books and journals into their new home.

Then I saw it: A program from the funeral of a man who loved me and mentored me for many years when I was a teen and single adult. I'll call him Paul. Such joy filled my heart and tears filled my eyes. I stood there in my garage, wiping tears, and read the whole article. This man and his dear wife spent their lives loving God and loving people.

They loved me wholeheartedly during the early years of my recovery. They believed me when I told them about my sexual abuse, and they loved me without condition. I don't know quite how to describe it, but there was a gentleness about this man. He saw me. When he looked at me, he really saw me. As a young woman, this was so special to me. In a world full of pain and abuse and inappropriate flirting, this man looked at me with love and fatherly affection. He affirmed me as a writer when I was first finding my wings and beginning my career. He took me seriously. When I talked to them about my questions and trials as I was just starting my corporate career, they really listened. Paul had a wide varied career and he coached me on the people dynamics I encountered on my job. I was so young! So naive yet talented and I found the unspoken culture of corporate America confusing. He took me under his wing and coached me about workplace dynamics and my career goals.

Paul and his wife were always very affectionate with each other. I remember how special and good I felt inside when I would be over at their house for dinner and he and his wife would stand embracing and smiling right there in the living room. Their devotion and affection for each other was a breath of pure air in a season of my life where I was processing all the pain from my past sexual abuse. I would look at Paul and his wife standing in their living room, smiling and talking with their arms around each other, and I would think, "Oh my God. All is right with the world. This is the way it should be."

Years later, I realize that Paul was one of the first people to speak the truth into my life that the sexual and the spiritual were equally important and deserved to be balanced in a healthy life. We both loved to read, and we shared many hours talking about novels and what they spoke to us. We had discussed big tomes like Herman Wouk's The Winds of War, the family legacy and the horror of the Second World War. I remember he asked me what else I had been reading, and embarrassed, I mumbled, "Oh just some other dumb stuff, a Danielle Steel novel." I was sure he would see that as some unspiritual waste of time or worse a shameful detour for a Christian young woman. But you know what he said? Paul looked me straight in the eye and said, "Well, Shula, romance is an important part of life. Never forget that. Life would be pretty dull without romance, and if you want to read about it and let God stir up the desires of your heart for a good man and a good marriage, then you go right ahead. Okay, so what else you been reading?" and the conversation went on, calm as could be. We went on to talk about James Michener's Covenant next, and the staggering issue of South Africa's racial unrest.

I kept up with the conversation, but inside my jaw was dropped in shocked delight. Up until that point in my life, sex and any kind of boy/girl connection had been icky, and toxic and filled with pain. In that one single conversation, I learned that romance and marital love, even the mushy sexy kissy stuff was an important part of life and that was okay for me to want to be married. Of course, I still felt I was exempt from that sort of thing; Having been abused I felt like I was damaged freight. But that one conversation gave me a spark and I began daring to hope. I took all my questions and longings to my counseling sessions with my therapist, but that conversation with Paul was a turning point. A catalyst.

Better yet, the way Paul calmly spoke of romance with the same level of respect he showed the topic of racism or genocide told me that romantic love really mattered. It wasn't just meaningless fluff, it mattered. Romance was a legitimate issue.

I smile as I conclude this article, and there are happy tears in my eyes. Because I know that Paul would be so proud of me, of the redemption stories I am writing and of this life of love I have built with Delighted Husband. I so so WISH Paul had gotten the chance to meet my beloved Delighted Husband. They never met. My first date with Delighted Husband was the night of Paul's funeral. It was a new season in my life, and while the two men never met, I brought my changed and healing heart into my marriage.

What a legacy of love!
-SW

Shortest post ever

2008-10-01T06:35:00.002-05:00

It's next to impossible for your husband's foibles to annoy you when he has used his power, skill, and generosity to reduce you to a quivering gooey puddle of joy.

Fond Farewell to Paul Newman

2008-09-28T20:25:00.004-05:00

Delighted Husband and I were with the kids eating burgers and ice cream at Sonic this Saturday afternoon when I heard the news of Paul Newman's passing. My first words were "Ohhhh bless her heart. Joanne has just lost her friend and lover and partner of 50 years."

Besides his professional legacy as an artist and philanthropist, when I think of Paul Newman, I think of one of the longest lasting marriages in the movie industry. I have immense respect for that. For this reason, my ears were quick to listen tonight when we happened across a rebroadcast of Paul's interview on Larry King Live.

Larry asked, "What is the secret to a lasting marriage?"

Paul's answer: "Lust, respect, patience and determination."

Wise words. My deep condolences to Joanne and their family. My profound respect to her husband.

May we all weave lust for each other, respect for each other, patience with each other and determination to stay together into the fabric of our marriages.

Sweet Breeze on My Face

2008-09-26T09:48:00.003-05:00

Sense of touch and hearing today went straight to my heart, my friends. Sweet breeze filtered through tall trees and touched my face while this song was playing on my phone. Enjoy.

Can I get some backup here?

2008-09-23T06:24:00.005-05:00

Folks, I have to tell you, the topsyturvyness of my life lately has inched past the tipping point of overwhelming.

My job ended Thursday just in time for me to help Delighted Husband prepare our home for the storm. This leaves unanswered questions for me because I had hoped I could launch sensuouswife.com by the time the knew-it-would-end-eventually-job was completed and that sensuouswife.com would become my new job and I could be a WAHM again. At this time the site's not quite ready for launch and my new job has become being the unpaid Construction Manager for my house. I never thought I'd wake up one day and be Bob the Builder. But I must restore my home so I am flying by the seat of my pants learning a new job the quality of which will determine what kind of house my family and I live in for the next umpteen years. No pressure!

I camped with my inlaws for a few days which was a blessing. Like any sleepover, after several days we were ready to be home in our own place again. It's only natural. During our stay at MIL, DH and I made 2 visits to our house in the dark trying to grab a few clothes by flashlight. Much stumbling and bumbling about shuffling along in the dark carrying a heavy load. I cut my hand on something in the dark and I continue to find blood dots on the floor where I dripped without knowing it.

During the time I was camping at my inlaws house, I got what appeared to be wonderful news about my fiction writing then really horrible news right on it's heels. I rode that emotional rollercoaster, doing a serious gut check in the process. If God is proud of me for telling the stories that are in my heart to tell is that good enough? Can I stay proud of me and my work even though other's signifcant opinion may rise and fall?

I spent much of the day yesterday pleading my case with my mortgage company. When I received my claim check from the insurance adjuster, it was made out to me, Delighted Husband and the mortgage company. I called the customer service for the mortgage company and asked them if I could take the check to a local branch to be endorsed. They said no, it had to be shipped off to Atlanta where it would be endorsed and sent back to me. I called yesterday to check the status since I had traced the package and knew my check had arrived. The customer service person who answered that call told me I should have taken the check to my local branch for endorsement. Mlehhhh!

This is more than just a hassle. Seemingly everyone in Houston needs a new roof. So finding a suitable roofer and contracting them before their dance card becomes impossibly full is a big big deal. I tearfully told Mortgage Lady In Atlanta, "you have no idea how frustrating it is to have good men sitting across from you at your kitchen table and not be able to hire them because you don't have any money to pay them because your money is hundreds of miles away in Atlanta where it doesn't belong!" I went on to explain to Atlanta Mortgage Lady that because I got my check early from the insurance company, I have a parade of vendors coming through my kitchen wanting to be hired. But every single day I do not hire said vendors they drop out of the running because somebody else does hire them and next thing you know I'm on a six month waiting list. I cannot live like this for six months! Atlanta Mortgage Lady apparently has a heart. Because she volunteered to email the mailroom, have them find my check (the one in the great big overnight pack) and she would walk it through the endorsing process and Fedex it back to me sometime this week. None of the other talented able and available contractors will touch my house until the new roof is complete. So Delighted Husband and I are scraping together the cash to hire and pay the hiring downpayment to the roofer so he can get it done so by the time the Sacred Check from Atlanta arrives we can reimburse our household checking account, and pay the rest of our bills. (including our mortgage hows that for irony?) Most importantly, we will then have the money to hire wallboard and ceiling and paint and attic insulation contractor who is talented, ready, highly recommended and willing to start once that roof is in place. (pant)

Once Talented Ready Recommended Contractor is done with the reconstruction upstairs, we can get Carpet Guy to replace, clean and reinstall the various carpet upstairs. Once the upstairs is done, we can move downstairs to the Showdown at the OK Corral where Insurance Company says rotten wet hardwood floors can be sanded and refinished and they'll be all better. Riiiiiight. So my hope is—y'all pray about this too, okay—my hope is that by the time Various Contractors are finished with the upstairs that Insurance Company will have agreed with Flooring Expert that sanding and refinishing is a waste of time and money and will have coughed up the bucks for a replacement hardwood floor. (gasp)(pant) So then we can be done with the lion's share of the downstairs repair. Except yesterday I found wet wallboard and peeling paint downstairs that I hadn't noticed when Insurance Adjuster was here last week. Mlehhhhhhh!

So my job today is to sort through all manner of belongings that were pulled down from the Stinky Attic. Delighted Husband, brave man among men, hauled this stuff down the attic ladder and laid visqueen all over the Guest Room and neatly spread Water Damaged Grossy Belongings all over the Guest Room. I moved the biggest HEPA filter in there and it still smells like, well like nothing I've ever smelled before. So today my job is to sort through and photograph and document the Lost Stuff, take it out of my house, send photographs and claim forms to Field Claims Office to hopefully get more money to buy replacement stuff. Some stuff can't actually be replaced...) And then my job is to reclaim and rebox the Keep Stuff, taking time to launder the baby clothing and baby sling and other babyish stuff that I'm not willing to let go of yet because I might get to be a mama again if we adopt. (more emotions stirred up over that topic).

Oh and I don't get paid for any of this. But what else can I do but repair my house and hope that the store goes live soon and the second income is restored to our family? Y'all can pray about that one too if you want to.

So yesterday, I was on the phone with Beloved Out of Town Friend Sue who is uniquely equipped to comfort me because not being a Houstonian she is not in the same boat. I was sobbing and in between sobs saying nearly inaudible things like "I'm really doinnnnnng pretty good. I thing I founnnd a cahnnnntracterrr todaaaaay." Among other comforting things, Beloved Out of Town Sue said, "I think you're doing extremely well and if you weren't crying by now with all the things you're dealing with, I'd wonder if you were actually human. So you're human. So you're crying. So that's okay." Dontcha just love her? Gosh, I do.

So I thought it would be okay if I let y'all know that I'm human and that this ordeal is very hard for me. And if you wanted to love on me and say nice things, that would be okay. Lovely even.

Love,
Shula

PS Talented Recommended Contractor told me he found a 2 foot by 2 foot nest of Unidentified Living Creatures in my attic. Eeeeeeeeeeeeek! (shudder)

Deal with the stink in the attic

2008-09-21T14:20:00.000-05:00

God has been teaching me so many heart lessons as I deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Ike. As you know from my previous posts, the shingles on my roof never bonded so they peeled apart and flew away oh-so-easily. The ridge vent also peeled away and my roof leaked like a sieve. The attic in my house is full of wet, stinky, mildewy stuff. Gobs of matted pink insulation that used to be fluffy and odorless now is clumpy and stinky. Eeew.

Meanwhile, down in the second and first floors, HEPA air filters are chugging away, trying to filter the stink from the air I breathe. And they're helping. To a point that I can tolerate living here. But nothing's really going to clear the air until I deal with the issues in the attic. I am SO not looking forward to that. Along with a contractor to remove all the stinky wet insulation, and put in fresh insulation, Delighted Husband and I will have to sort through all our stuff and cull out the water damaged pieces, photograph them and submit them for replacement and throw them out. We'll then have to decide what stuff is worth keeping and rebox the keepable stuff in undamaged new boxes. This is gonna take a while. It will be sweaty, stinky, so-not-fun work.

Lucky for me I have a bit of a reprieve because we can't deal with any of the stink in the attic until a good boundary is restored between our house and the world by having a new roof installed. But eventually, we must deal with our stinky stuff.

Wow does this remind me of therapy.

I could spray air freshener in my house every day, but until I deal with the rot in the locked-off room in the attic, ain't nothin' gonna change.

I suppose this is why Jesus said he was empowered to bind up the brokenhearted, to tear down and to build. Because tearing out the rot and brokenness is the way to get wholeness and healing. Bring it on.

Love,
SW

My first SexyMamaMoment

2008-09-18T20:41:00.004-05:00

When our first child was born, he spent the first few days of his life in the neonatal intensive care unit at the hospital. Delighted Husband and I were there with him nearly all the time. This was before my awakening so sexy wasn't usually on my radar. I had not yet cultivated my worldview that I was a sexy woman. But I had this moment. And I want to share it with you.

Beloved Child was a bit premature, and fussy, so the pediatrician suggested I open my blouse and give my baby skin-to-skin contact. They had these beautiful pale yellow privacy shades they placed around my rocking chair. Feeling a little awkward but hungry to hold my baby and let him know mama was there, I unbuttoned my maternity blouse, unwrapped my little darling (he looked like a little burrito in that white hospital blanket!) and laid my sweet baby against my abdomen and covered us both with a blanket. He was jaundiced, so he looked so foreign next to my skin. But in his face he looked just like me and in my heart he felt like mine! mine! mine! It was a peaceful, quiet moment amidst all the beeping chaos of the NICU.

Then I looked at his father.

Delighted Husband was looking at me and Beloved Baby like we were all that was precious in the world. And then I caught it..that quick tiny sparkle in his eye. Just like that, I was lost in the tractor beam of Delighted Husband's gaze. Without words, we remembered what we did to create this child. A blush crept over my cheeks and I looked at Delighted Husband with this self-aware heat in my eyes. My eyes said, "We made love. It was fabulous. You made me pregnant, and now I have this amazing little person nestled up against my skin. Oh my God."

In that moment, Delighted Husband snapped a picture.

And in an instant, the moment was over. The nurse walked up to draw blood from Beloved Child and crying and chaos pushed in and drowned out the moment.

Weeks later, I went to the store where I had gone for the film to be developed. When I got to that SexyMamaMoment photo, I was elated. Standing there in the pharmacy all disheveled and sleep deprived, I looked at that photo and thought, "oh my God, is that really me?" and it was. I didn't feel sexy there in the store. At all. At all. At all. But in my trembling hands I held photographic proof that my moment had really happened.

I put it in the photo album, along with all the other photos of Beloved Child's first six weeks. When friends from church asked to see baby pictures, I didn't think twice about handing over the photo album while I went to go boil some water for tea. I don't remember what he said, but I remember one of our church friends coughing and looking at me in an embarrassed putdown way and swiftly handing off the baby album like it was contaminated. I was flooded with embarrassment. I didn't have much confidence then. And I was Southern and here was a guest in my home offended by something I had given him. I was seriously infected with the disease to please. When our friends went home that night, I took out the picture of my first SexyMamaMoment, and I tore it up. To this day, there is a blank spot in that baby photo album. And oh I would fill it if I could. I have searched for the negative and I cannot find it. I have tears in my eyes just remembering what has been lost. How I would love to see that picture today!

There's a lesson here, my darlings. Don't let anyone look down on you for owning and recognizing that you are a sexual being. Don't let others erase your beautiful defining moment or put down your identity as a beautiful sexual creature created by God. Hold on to the good in your life. Hold on tight! Stretch marks and mortgages and fatigue and soccer leagues and teacher meetings and client meetings and HOA meetings will try to push in and take those moments from you by encroaching on the time those moments can occur. But hold on tight!

Looking back, I realize that man was an illmannered prude and I was a naive woman who gave away her validation card quite too easily. Not any more.

Like most of my aha! heartfelt moments, this was inspired by another blogger who generously shared their heart in a post. So thank you Mama of Romance for your beautiful post Feeling Beautiful: It's Up to You.
She says, "Because I feel like I am beautiful, it shines through.
It's so much easier to enjoy sex, to be passionate, and to love making love when you feel beautiful.
Being a woman is an incredibly powerful thing.
The curves, the soft skin, the feminine features.
Giving birth, having a baby, motherhood - it's all a beautiful thing.
Mother's are beautiful."

Amen, sista!

I would add: when you do have a moment when you feel beautiful, don't let anybody talk you out of it. Nobody but you and God have the right to decide whether or not you're beautiful. And God has already voted Yes.

Love,
SW

My shingles never bonded together—why eroticism is important in marriage

2008-09-18T07:13:00.005-05:00

Yesterday a roofer came out to inspect my roof and put up a tarp to prevent further damage. When he showed me one of the shingles that had blown off my roof, he told me my roof was not bonded properly and the whole roof would have to be replaced. Bonded properly? What does that mean? Well I'll tell you.

A roof is made up of hundreds of shingles that overlap and together protect the underlying plywood from wind and rain. Each shingle is made of tarpaper bonded to granules. Each shingle has a stripe of tar that acts as glue to bond each shingle together. Now, when the shingles are being stored in a warehouse or on their way to the site, the roofer doesnt' want the shingles to bond together then. If they did, instead of a package of useful shingles, the roofer would have a great big brick of melted together shingles. So, the manufacturer puts on a protective plastic strip over the strip of tar to prevent the tar from sticking to the other shingles in the package.

When the roofer is ready to nail the shingles on the plywood of someone's home to make a roof, the protective plastic strip is removed from each shingle, exposing the stripe of tar that will bond the shingle with the shingle it overlaps. The heat of the sun melts the tar and bonds the two shingles together.

When my roof was installed a few years ago, the roofer who installed my roof did not peel away any of the protective strips from the stripe of tar on my shingles. My shingles were individually nailed down to the plywood, but my shingles never bonded together. So when the storm came, they were much more easily separated from each other. They peeled off and blew away, leaving my plywood exposed and allowing water to pour into my attic and into my home.

Wow does this remind me of marriage!

I've said for years that sex is the glue that bonds a husband and wife together. It's true that love is a choice and the value of an allies-till-death committment cannot be downplayed. But as my roof analogy shows, it takes both commmittment (nailing down the shingles to the plywood) and sex (allowing heat to bond each shingle together) to make roof that can stand up to the storms of life.

I think about my roof. For years I looked at it, and it looked just fine. All the shingles were in neat rows and safely nailed down. But under the surface, they were not bonded. Each shingle was holding something of themselves back. Not allowing heat to melt a part of them and fuse them together. For years, my marriage was like that. I had the nailed down committment but I had not allowed the heat of marital eroticism to melt me and bond me together with my husband in such a deep way. Oh, we loved each other! We were committed to each other. We had a good marriage. But in order to experience the bond we have today, I had to peel away the protective layers around my heart and allow my body and soul to experience the heat of eroticism with my husband. Bonding cost me something. I had to allow my self to get hot enough to get to the melting point. Experiencing truly hot eroticism takes some personal growth. David Schnarch's book Passionate Marriage taught me that. And there's a beautiful healthy balance. The entire shingle is not gluey tar. Each shingle is still an individual. That's differentiation. When two healthy separate individuals choose to nail down their marriage with committment and also allow the heat of erotic love to melt them and bond them together, the storms of life won't easily separate them.

Here's to being hot, committed and bonded!
Love,
Shula

Home again

2008-09-17T09:00:00.002-05:00

I'm back in my house. Power was restored and the air conditioner, dehumidifier, and HEPAfilter air purifiers are all chugging away. Hopefully the stink of wet carpet, wet wood floor and wet sheet rock will eventually be removed. The smell in the attic makes me gag. I tremble inside at the thought of sorting through the keepsakes and memories and stuff that were stored in the attic.
I thought of something yesterday as I was wiping out all the eeewy muck out of the bottom of the deep freeze after I threw away three trashcans full of food. Something about letting it all go and starting fresh.

Good Humans in Houston

2008-09-15T07:10:00.000-05:00

I am in awe of the men in my family. The way they plan ahead and take care of their family. The way they show up and get it done and take care of others.

And on a larger scale, I'm so moved by the way good humans in my city are showing up and getting it done and taking care of others. Yesterday when I drove Delighted Husband to the hospital where he was serving on a relief team, I kissed him and told him I was so proud of him. As I walked around the shagmobile to get to the drivers seat, I saw a group of nurses walking toward the door. They looked tired. Mussed hair here, wrinkled scrubs there. Something stirred in my heart. I walked up to them made eye contact and said, "Girls, I"ll tell you the same thing I just told my husband when I dropped him off. You're making a difference in the world today." They started to cry then grabbed hold of their composure and said "Thank you. I needed to hear that today." For a moment, we stood there with tears in our eyes, just being good humans.

A note of gratitude. When we bought the shagmobile, it was very important to Delighted Husband and I that it have 4 wheel drive. We had to wait several days longer to get a vehicle with 4 wheel drive. Lemme tell you folks, the shagmobile was worth waiting for. Driving Delighted Husband from MIL house to hospital and myself back to MIL house, the 4 wheel drive kicked in several times to make it there and back. I am so thankful we held out for 4 wheel drive. I believe that was God stirring our hearts to wait and not take the other more easily available 2 wheel drive vehicles when we bought the car. God knew we would need it.

I miss my Delighted Husband. He's working eating sleeping on site while he serves on the relief team. Hopefully he'll be able to come home in a few days. Whether home is MIL house or our house I don't know. If the power comes back on and we can get some dehumidifiers going, I think a lot of things in our house can be saved.

Ike prayer request

2008-09-13T19:48:00.002-05:00

Please pray for strength and protection for Delighted Husband. He will be working around the clock on a relief team for the next several days. I will be working with my laptop from MIL home managing the claims process and home repair project.

Storm update with my love and gratitude

2008-09-13T18:43:00.004-05:00

Beloved friends,
We all alive and uninjured. All night long I was sustained by the feel of Delighted Husband's hand in mine and by the loving emails and text messages I received from all of you last night. Service was a bit wobbly, but I had internet on my phone most of the night. I lay there in the pitch darkness reading little bits of love in the gmails on my phone. Bless you all. I was surprized and grateful at the requests I received from some of you asking how you could donate to help us out. I tinkered around on PayPal for a few minutes and I think I found a button that will work. Please let me know if it works or not. Buttons and code are not my special talent. :)

There was times that Delighted Husband and I were sure a tree limb or flying 2x4 would plunge through the plywood and window into our bed. The wind was so loud I could not hear the beep of the phone keypad when I pressed the keys...with the phone just inches from my nose. It was loud! In those scary moments, I would pray hard, and I felt the peace inside, as though God spoke into my thoughts "it'll be okay, go back to sleep." and I'd catnap for another few minutes. Sum total we maybe slept 2 hours out of 18 and I'm grateful for every minute. The only "safe room" that was interior room with no windows was the master bathroom downstairs, so we wanted our son to be there. Where to put him? I smile at remembering that the solution that presented itself was to clear all shampoo bottles, bubble bath, etc. out of the shelves surrounding the garden tub/shower and put the Liberator Zepplin pillow in the garden tub. We tucked a queen size fitted sheet around the Zepplin and he used the Liberator throe as a blanket and his normal pillow from his bed upstairs. He loved it! He was very cushioned and cozy and he asked me to close the shower curtain and he was in his own little world. This way Delighted Husband and I could still use the potty and sink while Dear Child slept.

We were up and down all night. Around midnight we lost electricity. Around 2am, we went throughout the house doing window checks to see if towels were needed. We heard drips in the upstairs hallway and found water leaking out of the attic door. Delighted Husband went up the attic ladder and brought a strong flashlight. I stood at the bottom of the attic ladder to see the soaking wet plywood panels of our roof moving in and out buckling and bending. This of course scared the crap out of me and I urged him to get the hell out of there and quick. He looked around one last time and saw there was water all over the attic plywood floor. All the bankers boxes of stuff stored up there acted as sponges soaking up the water. This is the reason we still have a ceiling in the dining room and kitchen. The water leaked out through ceiling fans on the second floor and dripped onto the floors and beds upstairs. We put out pots and pans and bowls everywehre we could find to catch the drips.

We called Delighted Husband's parents who live in the central part of town about 30 miles from our house out in the burbs. Their house was unharmed and they told us they had a generator going and invited us to come bring our food from our fridge and deep freeze to avoid losing several hundred dollars worth of groceries. Around 10am after cleaning up breakfast of pasta I had boiled on our gas stovetop, we moved the groceries from the freezer and fridge into the 4 wheel drive shagmobile and took off for MIL's house. This was a Godsend because I take an injectible medication that has to be refrigerated and we knew the cooler we had packed it in the night before was

Amazed and grateful,
SW

Comfort with your touch

2008-09-11T11:21:00.002-05:00

Like many of the moms who live along the gulf coast, I'm preparing for a storm. As I'm assembling bottled water and canned food and candles, I'm thinking of all the other moms who are in the same boat. It's on my heart today to remind us all to comfort with our touch. The next few days may be pretty scary, but we have the power and responsibility to offer love and comfort to our families by simply offering our touch. So snuggle your kids, nestle your head into your husband's shoulder. Squeeze your husband's arm, ruffle your son's hair, place your palm on your daughter's cheek. Speak the physical touch love language, even in times of trouble. Especially then.

Love,
SW

Orgasms are great for pain relief

2008-09-07T08:24:00.005-05:00

I sprained my ankle last Friday, on the very day we were preparing to go out of town to a conference/family getaway on Labor Day weekend. Delighted Husband hadn't been home ten minutes when he asked with concern how my ankle was feeling, I gave him a mischievous grin and said, "You know honey, orgasms are good for pain relief". And they were! By lifting my pelvis up with our Liberator wedge, it was easy to keep my knees and ankles up out of the way. By the time we were done, I forgot I even HAD an ankle. Much less a sprained one.

When I talk about our slogan "promoting pleasure for wives and the husbands who love them", sometimes people assume it's all about wild nights hanging from the chandelier. While special amazing nights and afternoons do happen, I think it's more important to redeem almost-missed opportunities when headaches or sprained ankles could keep you from having great sex, but they don't.

I had forgotten about this story even though it only happened a week ago. (What can I say? Sometimes I have a short attention span!) But I was reminded of this lovely pain-relieving event when my friend Shannon shared her story on Facebook talking about how an orgasm with her husband made her headache go away. She asked if anyone had had a similar experience, and I thought with a grin, "Yeah, I have!" so I shared my story. Sometimes we need to be reminded of our own good stories. Sometimes we need the spark of an idea to remind us to reclaim good things that have been brought into our lives and to remember them with gratitude. In our often crazy, bumpy road world, it's so important to cling to what is good and to smile at a happy memory. So often, a friend helps me do this.

I'm so thankful for community. There is this marvelous dynamic of 1+1=3 when we share our hearts with another. Yesterday, I prayed about a situation nearly all day and the big turnaround came when I called my girlfriends and prayed together. Today as I read my friend Shannon share her story, it brought to mind stories of my own that I needed to be reminded of. Yes we have to own our own heart and take care of it. Some personal choices mean the world to us. Yet, as the same time, when listening to other people share their story evokes something in our own heart, they are influencing us for greater good. I've been noticing this dynamic a lot lately. Sending out my love and thanks to Cristin and Sue and Shannon. The way you offered your heart yesterday made me a better woman.
Mwah!
Shula

Sometimes our feelings lie to us

2008-09-05T07:23:00.003-05:00

I have a skinned knee. It got banged up pretty bad when I took a spill last Friday. Torn ligaments on the right and skinned knee on the left.

I noticed something this morning and I believe it has a deeper meaning. My knee hurts. It hurts nearly all the time. At night, when I go to bed, just the touch of the sheets touching my knee is painful. And it has happened every dang night. And I found myself starting to think in a whiny tone, "Well daaaang it's never going to get any betterrrr. It still hurrrrrrrts!". Then I looked at my knee. This morning, I took a good look at it, and there is a ring of fresh new pink skin all the way around the scab. It IS getting better! Healing more by the second. Sometimes our feelings lie to us. Whether it's our sensation feelings or our emotion feelings, they don't always tell us the whole truth.

Carry the Torch

2008-08-29T17:01:00.000-05:00

Back in the day, if you said he's carrying the torch for her, you meant "he's in love with her". It's a brief beautiful way to say, "there's a flame in my heart burning for that special someone."

Well it came to me yesterday, that passion and desire is a flame we carry inside our hearts. And if we live long enough, and are married long enough, we will experience a difference in the level of our sexual desire and the sexual desire of our spouse. Not so much whether or not they desire us as a person.

I mean that everyone's libido goes through ups and downs depending on lots of factors including:

their hormonal health (thyroid, testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, dopamine, serotonin)
the amount of stress in their life
the amount of cardio exercise in their life
the amount of strength training in their life
how much they work out (working out at intense levels over a several months can cause some women to stop ovulating)
their emotions and attitudes about themselves
their emotions and attitudes about their sexuality
their emotions and attitudes about their spouse
their emotions and attitudes about their spouses' sexuality
how often they cultivate their eroticism by reading sexy poetry, daydreaming about past lovely memories of lovemaking, etc.
how often they experience and notice nonerotic pleasure
how well they know their own body's capacity for pleasure and know how to experience that alone or with their spouse

Lots of factors play into libido. And these are just the ones that came to mind today! There are probably more. Y'all speak up if you can think of any more factors that influence a person's level of libido. Oh yeah! Like medications! Some medications have a documented side effect of reducing the sex drive.

So back to the torch idea. Torches flicker. The flames dance and move and change.
So does desire.

And it hit me yesterday, that one of the ways we can carry the torch for our spouse is to cultivate our own desire, the flame inside of us. Even if our spouse's torch flickers and wanes. Especially then.

What does this look like?
I'll give you a possible scenario.

Say a husband goes through a verrry stressful period in his work. Maybe he's a CPA and it's tax season. Maybe he's a doctor and he's on call a lot. Maybe he's a lawyer and he's studying for the bar exam or he's got a case that's gone to trial and he's working 16 hour days. Maybe he was the innocent victim of a round of layoffs at work and he lost his job. Whatever it may be, he's under a lot of stress. And depending on his own body and personality, it may be that his desire for sex is temporarily decreased. This has happened to Delighted Husband before.

And it occured to me yesterday that if these times of lower drive come into his life again, I can carry the torch for him. I can carry the torch of desire FOR him. I can keep the flame of love and desire from going out in my marriage my keeping my own pilot light lit.

Sometimes there's a fine line between partnership and codpendence. Our own skin is a boundary that says what's inside this skin is me and what's outside this skin is not me. We each have to own our sexuality. It's part of our self. However, when you get married there's this beautiful partnership. We take on the role of steward over not only our own sexuality but also for our spouse's sexuality. It's my pleasure and responsibility and delight to meet Delighted Husband's sexual needs. It's his pleasure and responsibility and delight to meet mine. But when one of us has our libido flicker or wane because of one of the factors mentioned before, we have to keep our own sexuality alive in healthy ways. We have to carry the torch. Keep the home fires burning so we have hot coals ready to reignite the fire in our spouse.

If you live long enough and are married long enough, you will each have a turn at being the spouse with the higher libido. Delighted Husband has certainly had his turn as the higher drive spouse. So have I. Keep your own heart alive. Invite your spouse to rejoin the party.

As I write, I am thinking of my friends who have shared their stories with me. Husbands and wives whose hearts are filled with sorrow and pain because their spouse has rejected them sexually on a long term basis. My love for my friends and my awareness of the reality of their pain makes me afraid to say anything on the topic for fear that the positive tone of my post will come across as glib or dismissive. I don't want to disrespect anyone or their pain.

I will say this. When my beloved was going through a tremendous time of stress from crushing external circumstances that caused his libido to flicker and wane, keeping my own pilot light lit by rehearsing sweet memories in my mind, remaining aware of my own pleasure, pursuing my husband and seductively drawing him back into the warm erotic playground of our bond is one of the most godly things I have ever done.

Wise words from a wise woman

2008-08-28T07:17:00.004-05:00

My friend Vanna over at TMB had something beautiful and profound to say about women's sexuality. I'm in awe and my heart immediately gave a shout of joy as I read her words.

Vanna wrote:

Most women haven't been exposed to the idea and fact that sex was designed by God as a gift for THEM- their pleasure, their satisfaction, their release, their relaxation, their freedom... Sex is their right, not just an offering they have to make to the altar of marriage to keep a husband.

Vanna wrote:

A husband can't do it for his wife, encouragement is nice but until she has that "AHA!" paradigm shift, she'll be stuck in "He just wants me to enjoy it more so he can have it more" mode. Its still all about him until she realizes that she is actually getting in the way of her own sexuality... not just his.

She needs a total renewal of the mind, and fresh outlook.

Amen, sista! (Applause) I can hear the roar of the crowd in a stadium as women stand up and cheer for themselves and for their glory..the magnificent sexual feminine glory they've been given by God.

Simple Pleasures

2008-08-24T20:27:00.005-05:00

It is Sunday evening and our hair is still damp from swimming. We sit crosslegged on the beach towels spread out in front of the TV in the gameroom watching the Olympics. We're drinking cokes and nibbling on chips and gourmet salsa take out from one of my favorite TexMex restaurants. (Who can pick just one?) We're only nibbling because we already had our meal...cheese quesadillas bursting with savory smoky portabella mushrooms.

We are relaxed and happy all the way down in our souls.

I am so deeply grateful.

I love my family.

To Tear Down and To Build

2008-08-23T17:53:00.002-05:00

This song is for Cahleen over at In His Footsteps.

I know what it is to feel as though your heart is being deconstructed and reconstructed. Girl, you're in good company. And the Master Architect is in love with you. I think you're pretty great too. :)
Love,
SW

"There is a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build."
—Ecclesiastes 3:3

Still a Wild Man

2008-08-19T18:44:00.003-05:00

This song is for The Wild Man over at Postcards from the Sexual Crucible.

WM, Ricky Van Shelton and I celebrate your desire for your beloved wife. After twenty years you still want her and love her and desire her and I think that's fabulous. And like that other song Ricky sings, you're keepin' it between the lines...channeling all that desire only toward her. Sometimes you desire her more often than she will allow and still you're keeping it all for her. Good on you!

I can't deny that
somewhere inside there's a wild man
mama always said son dontcha let it get out of hand
so if I go crazy now and then baby, you've got to understand
ohh I'm a wild man
yeah that's what I am
I'm a Wild Man

comin through the door
I know what it's all for

wound up so tight
but I know tonight
I don't have to hold back
when I'm holdin' you close

You're a good man, Wild Man, and better things are comin' for you and your Wild Woman. I just know. They're happening already.

Love,
SW

Would you like to have an orgasm? Well DUH!

2008-08-19T11:52:00.004-05:00

Duh is what it sounds like.
DHA is what it's spelled like.
Ooooooh! is what it feels like.

Who knew that taking fish oil capsules would make you feel so good?
Golly Moses.
(Mona Lisa smile that morphs into mischivious grin)

Cardboard Testimony

2008-08-17T20:15:00.005-05:00

Sometimes it's good to take stock of where you've been and where you are today.
Sometimes it's real good.

Here's mine:

sexual abuse victim
constant terror and shame
afraid of my own sexuality

passionate healthy marriage
owner sensuouswife.com
encouraging couples to go for healing & hotness

Welcome Wild Jesus

2008-08-15T22:10:00.002-05:00

Welcome Wild Jesus readers.
Can one of you please let me know what your blog is about? Could I have a week's guest pass? That okay with you? I'm flattered, and also curious as allgetout.

Love is the most important ingredient

2008-08-10T20:47:00.004-05:00

Y'all know how much I love to cook. To me, cooking is edible art. And love is the most important ingredient.

We have some dear friends we have not seen in months, almost a year, even though they live 45 minutes away. We had planned and rescheduled several times to have them over and finally made plans for them to come share a meal at our home today. When I invited our friends this third time, I had no idea that my presence would be required in Corporate America today.

Delighted Husband picked up some Boston Market drivethru and set the table. Our friends who had offered to bring dessert, picked up some brownies from a grocery store bakery and a carton of ice cream. We ate as soon as I got home.

And you know what, y'all? It was a delightful meal. It wasn't the food. The food was was alright, but I was mostly too tired to eat. It was the love.

Women Olympians

2008-08-08T20:42:00.004-05:00

I am watching my favorite part of the whole Olympics...the Parade of Nations.
I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.
The women.
They are so beautiful.
All so different
so differently beautiful
and all of them so beautiful I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Unplanned, these words keep leaping from my throat,
"Look at her! She's so beautiful!"
There is no formula. There is no specifications list. No engineering document dictating cheekbones must be at a particular angle or eyes must be a certain size. I look at each woman Olympic athlete and I see a woman in her glory. And she knows it. This is perhaps the the crowning moment of her life. And she is so beautiful. And she knows it. So alive. Beaming energy so vibrant it makes the stadium lights redundant. Glory.

Women are so beautiful.

Good Time

2008-08-07T21:24:00.002-05:00

Okay darlings, it's Thursday night. You have plenty of time to learn this dance before Friday night.

The quickest way to a woman's heart

2008-08-01T20:57:00.002-05:00

One night this summer, Delighted Husband and I were tired and achy after taking the kids on a 4 mile hike. We very much wanted to be together but we had to laugh at ourselves laying still and holding hands and groaning with pain. "What a hot couple we are" as we laughed at ourselves. We were still naked and smiling at each other so that was a start. Delighted Husband has access to all these cool overseas radio stations on his phone, so he was scrolling through some stations and he found a really great classical station broadcasting from London. The classical music was beautiful and rich and still and didn't require us to move. (you know what I mean by that. some music just makes you want to dance. you just try to be still while listening to Ladysmith Black Mambazo!)

We were cuddling and talking about the children. We had planned to have a shagfest much earlier in the evening, but something the DC said set off a little beep beep beep in my heart letting me know they needed some quality time and connection with their dad and me. I knew instinctively that the best way to get them to connect verbally was to get them away from any and all electronic conveniences so I drove us all to one of our favorite nature trails. There's nothing like a long trail with nothing but the sound of wind whispering in the trees to get a kid to talking. Sweating helps too. Something about physical labor gets you talking honest and from the heart, and we were hiking at a steady clip!

I hung back for a while, watching my husband interact with the children. God, I love that man. I wasn't eavesdropping exactly, but I think for a while they forgot I was there.

It was this memory that came to mind as I cuddled with Delighted Husband listening to Rachmaninoff that night. I told him, as I have told him a thousand times, that seeing him share from his heart with the children, offering him manly heart in a fatherly way I could never imitate just sets off a little joy alarm deep inside my body. Every cell in my body says, "Girl! This is the one! Get this man to get you pregnant asap!" I told him and we laughed gently. My body can no longer get pregnant. But apparently places in my heart and my loins never got the memo, cause they keep on tryin!

I rolled over on top of him and he grinned hello. And after just a few seconds of fondling, I was aroused and ready to move. The soft candlelight on the dresser cast a lovely shadow of my hips as I moved over him gently. As passion is known to do, momentum picked up. Orgasmic steam built up and blew. And I rolled over collapsing in an exhausted tangle of limbs. Good man that he is, he moved enough for the both of us for his turn and came home to me quickly. We both submerged into sleep and next thing we knew the alarm clock was ringing.

Apparently one of the quickest ways to a woman's heart is her children. And definitely the quickest way to my loins is my heart! ;)
He knows all the shortcuts, my Delighted Husband.

Diamonds from a girl's best friend

2008-07-29T21:54:00.003-05:00

I love me some bling, no doubt about it.
But diamonds my best friend?
Nuh-UH!
The human connection of a friend's love and encouragement trumps sparkle every dang time.
But what if I got both? At the same time?
SuhWEET!
And that, my darlings, is exactly what happened.
My girlfriend Cocotte nominated me for the brilliante blog award.
Thank you darlin'.

I pass it on to Howard at Rebel By Nature who always manages to leave me slackjawed in amazement at the deep, beautiful, yet earthy things he has to say. Love ya, Howard. You're a good man. A soulful writer. And a true artist with a camera. Blogdom is a better place with you in it.

Failure is Impossible

2008-07-29T20:51:00.003-05:00

What would you have the courage to attempt if you knew failure was impossible?

Think about that for a minute.

Let that sink in.

Girls, I'll give you an easy start.
Dance for your husband.
And I'm not talkin' Tinkerbell dance recital dance either.

Seriously.

You may find this one of the most liberating and exhilerating experiences of your married life.

You can use your own creativity to come up with your own signature performance. Here's an idea for starters.

Take one of your older pair of jeans that you don't mind taking out of public circulation. If you think they are too tight, all the better. You want jeans that really hug your fanny but are not so tight as to be uncomfortable. You can even go to a resale shop and get the perfect pair for under ten bucks if the right pair of jeans is not currently in your closet.

Put them on.
In private. In front of a mirror.
You're going to cut them into shorts. Not shorts you can wear to your kids soccer game, either. Seriously short shorts. Obscenely short. Too short to wear in public.
Take a pen and mark where you want to cut them into shorts. Just a little mark. Take the jeans off. Go down about an inch or two from where you drew the cutting mark. This will allow room for fringe. Cut the jean legs off to make cutoff shorts. You're going for a look that's a little bit Daisy Duke a little bit Marianne and a little bit Ginger. You can use scissors to cut the jeans. You can use a knife if you're VERY careful and you want to make little ragged fringey I've been stuck on a desert island kind of edge to the denim.

Okay, you've got the shorts.

Next, the top.
There are several options.
But first, the most important bit of clothing.
Your bra. You need a good bra with lots of support and lift and cleavage. Doesn't matter if the bra itself is kind of plain without much lace and adornment. Just lift up the girls!

Okay, the top. This is where it gets fun. You could buy a camisole one size too small on purpose. You could buy a buttonup denim vest at the same resale shop you bought the old faded jeans you just cut up. You could wear that peasant blouse you wore 2 summers ago but haven't thrown out. Anything small and dainty that shows off your cleavage. And if you're concious of your tummy from baby stretch marks or something, don't crop the top. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.

If you feel like it, you can wear shoes or boots or whatever. Shoes are TOTALLY not necessary but can be a fun option.

Now. You're almost ready to dance.

Girls, here is the huge couragemaking confidenceboosting truth.
It is impossible for you to fail.
Success is guaranteed and failure is not a remote possibility.
You playfully own your sexuality and grow your comfort zone.
Your man gets the incredibly hot experience of having his wife tantalize him in a way that he has surely fantasized about. And the added bonus, is the whole damn thing is a guilt-free pleasure! For both of you!

Now, some of you may not really consider yourselves dancers.
That is SO okay.
I've got a workaround for that.

Jessica Simpson did a rendition of that old song These Boots are Made for Walkin' and believe me ladies, you leaving him will be the last thing on either of your minds. The beauty of this song for first time tantalizers is it has a nice slow easy beat and if you don't know many dance moves, all you have to do to "get it" is just listen to the music, feel the beat, look him in the eye and strut and saunter around the floor. You don't even need boots.

Now don't go all perfectionistic on yourself and practice it to death trying to make it perfect. This is not Star Search. This is Have Hot Fun At Home. But you may want to strut through the song once, by yourself, just to get into your groove. The first time I danced and strutted my stuff to this song felt effinfabulous!

Remember girls, failure is impossible.

How do I know?

I just know.

Love,
SW

Please my darlings do not let your heart become distracted by thoughts of comparing your body to Jessica or anybody else. Own your own hotness. Share it with your husband. Go for it!

Latin dance at lunchtime

2008-07-23T17:43:00.003-05:00

I was knee-deep in documents and nearly bout asleep. After briefly considering skulking off to a vacant office, setting an alarm on my cell phone and crawling under the desk for a nap, I asked God to help me. I felt like I'd been dosed with cold medicine, just an overwhelming fatigue and I didn't think sleeping on the job would go over well. I prayed silently for a minute or two, asking for the Zoe energy of God to fill me. Two thoughts flashed on the screen in my mind. One a word and one an image. The phrase "put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness" and the image of the dance floor at the gym. I'd never danced on that dance floor, but I'd walked by it on the way to the circuit training room. There was a beautiful song playing on my mp3 player and I remembered my interpretive dance class and how much fun it would be to move to this song. Come. Dance. Now.

So I stood up from my desk, grabbed my purse and my water bottle and headed for the door.

As I walked to the gym, still listening to the mp3 player already strapped to my arm, I remembered that every time I had seen the dance floor it was empty. I visualized myself having the floor to myself, twirling and dancing.

At the gym, as I walked down the hall, I heard loud Latin funk music and when I reached the entrance of the dance floor, I saw that a Latin cardio funk dance class had just started. I hung back in the entrance for just a few seconds, then joined in at the back of the room. I had no trouble keeping up with the moves! The instructor was lithe and energetic, and she really felt the soul and groove of the music and so did I. The music was smokin' and eager to join in, I quickly dropped my purse and water bottle on the floor, took off my jacket and shook my booty along with everyone else in the room. The pants and cami I'd worn to work this morning were fine for dancing. Almost as though this had been planned. There was a woman instructor and a man instructor and they were both Latino and athletic without being perfect looking. Just two humans who love to dance and who love to make us love it too. This wasn't just an exercise class. They were sharing their culture and their joy. We had a blast. People of every race, age and fitness level in the class all movin' and groovin'. The joy was palpable. None of us were inhibited. We swayed our arms and swayed our hips and snapped our fingers. Y'all, we were smokin'! When each song ended, the class broke into cheers and spontaneous applause.

I. felt. marvelous. And Tom Allen—you knew there would be—there were mirrors in the room. And I enjoyed them. I was shy for about three and a half seconds ;) and then as my body responded to the music I lost myself in the joy of movement. The next time my eye caught my reflection, I thought, "who is that adorable earth mama movin' her hips like some native woman on Survivor?" It's me!
(laughing for joy)

There was about five minutes after class when the dance floor was empty, and I thought "ask forgiveness not permission" and I claimed that space and did some free dance to that lovely Pleasure of the King song I'd been lovin' on my mp3 player back at my desk. Dance can give wings to the feelings in your heart. It felt so good to let my body speak without words.

When it was over, I went to the edge of the floor for more stretching, then I put on my jacket, picked up my purse and water bottle and walked back to the office. My lungs were tingling and I felt pulsing with energy and life and joy.

There and back in thirty minutes.
You'd think somebody loves me or somethin'.
(grin) -SW

Three and a Half Seconds

2008-07-22T20:20:00.005-05:00

God did it again. Made me feel gorgeous when I didn't expect it.

I was wearing an especially womanly woman dress at work yesterday. A fetching little number with cap sleeves, a sailor bow neckline with a tiny amount of peekabo cleavage and a twirly knee-length skirt. I always feel like I've stepped onto the set of a forties World War Two movie when I wear this dress. I even wore pearls and red lipstick. Makes me feel so good!

Delighted Husband had left for work before I did and since I often change into something more comfortable when I get home from work, I doubted he'd see me in this dress. So I wasn't really thinking about my lover seeing me all dolled up, I just did it for me.

So I was lost in thought around lunchtime while on my way to see one of my girlfriends for a drive by hugging. You know that thing where you don't have an entire lunch hour but you take the elevator to your friend's floor just to give her a hug and chat for 5 minutes? Well I love those drive by huggings. It's like the relational version of taking a hit at an oxygen bar. (deep breath happy sigh).

So I was scurrying along the shiny marble floors of Corporate America when I had to pause to wait for an elevator. As I was entering the elevator lobby, a tall stranger was leaving the elevator lobby. He was olive skinned and foreign, although I couldn't tell from where. For three and a half seconds, Olive Skinned Foreigner's eyes met mine for an instant, traveled down my body and up again to meet my eyes with a luminious look of assessment and delight. His friends continued to talk to him and he ignored them. For three and a half seconds, this man looked at me like I was a Ferrarri.

I couldn't tell where he was from by looking at him, could have been the Meditteranean, could have been somewhere in the East. Wherever Olive Skinned Foreigner was from, he was from one of those places in the world where it's not considered rude to stare at a woman for three and a half seconds with a look of frank assessment and obvious delight. Different cultures have very different ideas about feminine beauty. Many foreign cultures admire and embrace voluptuous women. Literally.

Well he admired me but he didn't embrace me.
Those three and a half seconds made me feel like my lungs were full of helium and my heels were an inch off the ground.

I told Delighted Husband all about it during our date that evening.
He laughed with his eyes sparkling and gave me a frank assessment of his own. Then he put his arm around my waist and let his hand accidentally stray to pat my butt before going back to my waist. He's allowed to.

God, I love being a woman!

Possess your vessel with honor

2008-07-19T20:17:00.002-05:00

From time to time, a reader will email me and share a bit of their story and ask me to share my perspective on something that's heavy on their heart. I'm honored by this and I offer what I can when I feel like I have something to offer. And I will wait until I feel I have something honorable and good and relevant to say that I feel ready to share. This is one of those times. And this sweet woman (I'll call her D) gave me permission to post my answer to her here. So D darlin', this is for you.

SW wrote~

Quote:

Of course, the safe and legit way to meet this need is for you to start owning and possessing your body in an honorable way and feeling your beauty and directing it towards your husband.

D wrote~

Quote:

And this is the issue. Since I've had no "model" I'm wondering where to go with all this. What is honorable in thoughts? Now I know we are to not lust after others which I feel I have a handle on, but how are we to handle male attention? I struggle with this and I've observed other women struggle (my sister) to the point of abusing their alluring power so to speak. I don't want to do this as I have in the past and this is my greatest fear. The "emotional" need that arises in me when I've felt a man's attention is scary to me. What is this and what causes it? I don't want to be afraid of myself, my body or my looks. I want to be proud of who I am and care about the beauty that HE created in me. As a Christian woman with principles I would never dream of betraying my husband, but the thought of being thin and beautiful (I'm not trying to brag here, but I'm large and still get alot of attention and when I was thinner I got more attention then I ever cared for.) has been too difficult for me to deal with~to the point my heart is saying just make it go away~self rejection. I know God is leading me to deal with this now and is renewing me. I thank HIM for women like you.

And yes, you have my permission to share whatever you think may be helpful.

Blessings to you,
D

I offer my reply~

What a courageous bighearted woman, Miss D!
So many things come to mind.
First of all, I understand the fearing male attention.
I used to feel like I had a target painted on my back and every predator and perpetrator would somehow know I was easy prey.
I also used to fear my own heart. Fear that when my heart responded to male attention that I was at risk for sinning. That's a valid fear. It's good to want to flee temptation. But it's also good to not jettison a blessing from God. Here's what works for me. I started to see God as the one romancing me and the people in my life as his vendors he sent to take care of me. Obviously my Delighted Husband is one of God's preferred vendors God most often uses in my life to bless me. (And I know this goes without saying, but just to be clear, Delighted Husband is the ONLY man that God uses to meet my sexual needs.)

But my husband is not the only channel God uses to bless me and encourage me. That's a whole nother article! Your spouse can't be the beall endall and only source of emotional support in your life. My point is, even when it comes to affirmation and complements from a good man I am not married to, I take them as a gift from God. Let me give an example.

About a year ago, I had just started an exercise routine. It was hard to take that first step and I had been working out just maybe a couple of months or so. I was still in the throes of emotional eating and trying to break free of that so life was a real struggle in that season. I had a week where my exercise was good but my eating was not good. I felt fat and depressed and just generally blah. I was on my way home from exercise class and I had to stop and get gas. I felt very uneasy and embarrassed about this because I was already feeling fat and here I was out in public in my sweaty running tights and tank top. But I had to get gas. Had to. My tank was on empty.

So I'm standing there at the gas pump feeling all mlehhh when the man at the pump facing me says something. I don't hear what he says cause I am so preoccupied with my negative self talk. I look up and say "excuse me?" and he repeats what he said earlier. This man (who did not look like the Unabomber) looks me straight in the face and in a calm low sincere voice says, "You're beautiful." Without conscious thought, I smiled and said "thank you!" and then felt shy and turned back to my gas pump. The man, a clean cut man wearing Dockers and a golf shirt, said "Are you married?" Again, without conscious thought I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind, "Very!" and I smiled as I always do when I talk about my husband. That word 'very' spoke volumes. The man's face fell and this reinforced in my mind that his complement and his interest was genuine. Then I felt quite shy and momentarily overwhelmed by this. I'm not used to having people's faces fall when they talk to me. It's pretty normal for me to enjoy bringing a smile to the people I meet. But I couldn't lie to the nice man and I was staggered by the weight of the compliment. I blushed and looked at the gas pump. When I looked up two seconds later to say thank you the man was gone. That's when I figured out this was a God thing.

I got in my car and drove away and the first thing I did was look up at the blue sky overhead and say to God "You are really going out of your way to affirm me, sending me a messenger to tell me I'm beautiful when I'm all sweaty in my gym clothes at the gas station!" and I just laughed at the generosity of God and received His affirmation.

I did not lay awake nights wondering who this man was and plotting to show up at the same time at the same gas station in hopes of running into him again. I just enjoyed what for me felt entirely like a sweet complement from God when I was all down and feeling crummy with my body image.

You see what I mean?

One more thing.
One of the meanest things the villain in the story does is try to make us feel guilty for having our God-given needs. Not even guilt about how we may or may not have those needs met but I'm talkin' about feeling guilty for having the need in the first place. I believe with all my heart that it is a normal God-given need for a woman to feel beautiful and to want someone to notice she is beautiful. Obviously, there are important boundaries that need to be in place, but receiving an admiring glance when you're walking to your table in a restaurant or hearing a sincere complement at church when someone notices your new dress or tells you with a wordless smile that you look fabulous, there is nothing wrong with that. Receive the affirmation as a gift from God. To me, the potential for sin or blessing is all in your mind. Do you immediately send out your gratitude to God thanking Him for affirming you? Or do you start imagining inappropriate behavior with the person who just gave you the complement?

Now, let's not be foolish here. Women have to be wise and develop a keen sense of the Holy Spirit warning them. We don't want to be seduced by some smooth talkin' player. But a random complement affirming you in the area of your life you've been praying about? Yes, I believe that can be God giving us a taste of The Sacred Romance.

That's how I take it anyway.
Love,
SW

The best cool-down song ever

2008-07-16T18:28:00.001-05:00

This is the song that played while I was doing my cool-down stretches.
Bliss.

I am SO glad I went to the gym

2008-07-14T18:31:00.003-05:00

I nearly bout fell asleep today around 3pm. Tahrd as we say in the South. I took off at 4 and drove straight home, with visions of high thread count sheets dancing in my head. Nice. soft. bed. sleep. short nap. before Delighted Husband gets home. Ahhhhh.....
But right as I turned into my subdivision, I thought, "Wait. How long has it been since I've been to the gym? Nearly a week. Eeek."
So I turned the car around and drove to the gym, promising my griping and complaining body that if I still wanted sleep when I got home after the gym, I could have sleep.

It was hard to get in the groove. I made my way around the circuit. Ho hum. Then this song

came up on the playlist rotation. God, yes. Thank you Sheryl! Followed immmediately by A Change Will Do You Good. Okay, yeah. I get it already. I started to feel my groove.

The rest of the workout was a sweaty happy mess. And of course I feel wonderful and have no desire to sleep now. Can you say 'give the girl some oxygen'? I knew you could! ;)

PS Tom, you will be pleased to hear I did not dodge the mirrors. And honestly, what I thought was "hey my arms are smaller" (yay) "hey my boobs are not" (YAY) and "holy cow, I'm jogging in place, not just stepping lively. and it feels good!" (big enormous YAY)
(laughing) -SW

Y'all come on over and say hi!

2008-07-12T08:47:00.002-05:00

Just imagine me out in front of the store giving away hot biscuits and cold sweet tea. Mkay?
www.sensuouswife.com

The Joy of Naked Haircuts

2008-07-11T22:39:00.004-05:00

One evening, Delighted Husband had an important meeting the next day and he hadn't had time to make it to the hair salon. He asked me if I could give him a haircut, and I said I'd give it a try. I'd seen my mom give my dad haircuts in the kitchen for years growing up. I snipped a little, and used the beard trimmer from his electric razor to trim up his neck. He loved the results, and I had fun doing it.

The next month, he didn't even bother trying for a hair appointment. He asked me to do it. I said sure, and went to the beauty supply store to buy him a cape and a good pair of haircutting shears. So he perched on a bar stool, put the cape on and I began to cut his hair. The problem was that all these little hairs got on my clothes because I didn't have a cape. Well, I fixed that problem! (wink)
I took my clothes off.
Not to be outdone, and perhaps hoping to be done, Delighted Husband took his clothes off too.
I did manage to finish his haircut.
That was 7 years ago.
I've been giving him naked haircuts ever since.
It's SO much FUN!
Sometimes, just flirting with eye contact, sometimes a little lap dance. Flirting, groping, fondling, and eventually... (blush) (grin)
I have gotten pretty good at haircutting too!
I only know how to do 1 style, though. He doesn't mind. -SW

Even in soulless Corporate America

2008-07-11T19:15:00.009-05:00

Y'all, I have figured out I can do this job and still remain a soft, loving, reasonably sane woman. Well, not figured out. I experienced it. Oh goodness, lemme just tell you the story.

Ever since I started this corporate gig, I have been increasingly crabby and grouchy and dare I say bitchy. Yes, bitchy. I was running on empty and you know what that is right? A recipe for disaster. I felt under so much pressure, and my emotional bank account was so overdrawn.

In my old job which didn't pay much and was often frustrating as hell, I worked from home. So I was free to put things into my day that fed my soul. nourished my heart. Stuff like long walks out in nature powerwalking my way down a jogging path with nothing but green and the music in my ears. Stuff like having the house all to myself during the day and going into the gameroom and cranking up the stereo, pushing back the furniture, and dancing and singing my little heart out. And you know how you dance when nobody's lookin'? I danced like that. I would start out dancing like I danced in dance class and then passion would take over and I would just whirl all over that room! I'd feel breathless and alive and fabulous.

I had a lot of freedom in my schedule for quality time with my girlfriends, several of which I'd have lunch with on a regular basis. I had a nourishing encouraging support group that I was a part of. The group was led by a woman therapist and we slowly worked and grew our way through several books and workbooks like Boundaries and Healing for Damaged Emotions. And y'all know, I want to live right and be healthy and I need all the help I can get. And there was SO much love in that room as we all fought and grew together. Cause growing, real changes in the heart is a struggle, and you needs lots of people who love you who celebrate your little victories and hold you hand when you need to cry.
So, yeah, I didn't make much dough, but I had a really good world.

And then I got this corporate gig downtown.

And all the things in my life that nourished me went away.
And the pressure on me and the demands of me increased.
And the time! The sheer force of hours.
Cause I'm back in cubicle land. and for nine hours a day they want me to sit still and be quiet. And I'm me. Miss Dance-Joy-Vivaciousness. Trying to be quiet. And it's so hard for me to be still it nearly bout makes me ache. Oh, and did I mention, my dance class closed for the Summer? So really, all these lovely nourishing things in my life went away.

But the money is so good. I mean, I've made more, but I've certainly made less and this job allows me to pitch in on some financial goals that are really important to Delighted Husband and me. Paying off debt for one thing. And start up capital for my new venture for another. So I was in this gig for the duration.
And dying on the vine.

And ya'll know how unreligious I am. and while I enjoy the social, community aspect of church (and hey they also have a great band) my primary way to connect with my spirituality has been my singing, my dancing, my nature walks and bike rides.

So I was socially spiritually and emotionally overdrawn. I was a mess.

Okay I'm getting to the good part, I swear. I just wanted you to know how bad it was.

So this week, I remembered I had music on my pocket pc. It had been so long since I listened to music on my pocket pc, I mostly use my mp3 player, I had forgotten. But I'd heard everything on my mp3 player over and over, it was my workout list for the gym and I didn't think I'd find my get sweaty fired up music comforting.

So I did "play all" just to see what was there on my pocket pc.

And oh, you guys, it was Chris Rice. An instrumental from The Living Room Sessions. Savior Like a Shepherd Lead Us. Now as I told my girlfriend Pro Deo Sum on the phone today, as much as I complain about growing up in a Christian home, I am really glad I grew up hearing and singing the old hymns, because back in the day the people who wrote hymns were people who lived lives of struggle. We're talkin' big time suffering here, people and those lyricists knew what it was like to feel your soul had sprung a leak and the next gas station was 15 miles away. They knew. So these hymns speak comfort to me like nothing else. So I listen to dear Chris Rice play this hymn, and he has such a light touch. I mean, when Chris Rice does a hymn, if his music were cooking it would be a light garlic sauce that enhances the flavor of everything else and doesn't cover it up. Not your ponderous old Granny music. Light and airy and graceful. Are you followin' me here? I'm doing my best to describe the song because I don't think I can find it on you tube. Anyway, so there's the song. And the gyst of the lyric is "Jesus please be our good shepherd and take good care of us cause we're weak and we're hungry and we're sheep so we're limited in our ability to do anything about it."

When I heard this song, I heard all this comfort that I wasn't feeling. I remembered all the amazing spiritual moments I'd had on the jogging path. And I sat there in my cubicle. And it was like pressing your nose against the glass and seeing this happy dinner party going on inside without you. I heard love. I heard intimacy. I heard connection. I heard joy. I heard togetherness. and I wadn't gettin' any of it. And it just tore me up. So I closed my eyes, and I thought, "Jesus I miss you so much I can hardly stand it. In fact, I can't." And instantly, He was there. When I opened my eyes, I saw my computer screen and heard nice music in my earphones. When I closed my eyes, I saw this movie in my mind of Jesus standing before me, looking—as he always does in my mind's eye—like my brother Brian, with Celtic green eyes beaming with love and looking at me with such delight. I blinked back and forth a couple of times, stunned in a happy way. I opened my eyes, I'm smack dab in the middle of soulless Corporate America. I close my eyes, and Jesus is holding my hands and looking into my eyes with such love and we are dancing like children up and down the aisles of cubicle land. -SW

PS
Oh and tomorrow morning, I'm loading up my bike in the shagmobile and I'm hitting the bike trails. Oh yeah!

Joy

2008-07-10T07:46:00.002-05:00

wells deep inside me
sweet salty lifegiving water
flowing flowing flowing
like Jacob's well a
neverending stream of more more more
more lifegiving words of humanness and pathos and pain and beauty and joy so big it
cannot be contained
in my skin
so it spills out
joy so big i cry it out come it out sing it out shout it out
tears and nectar and notes and words
joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy joy
big audacious joy that would be obnoxious
were she not so charming
in her childlike invitation
sit down play alongside her
a playground built for two to which the whole world is invited
come as you are come as you are come as you are
life and joy and healing beckon

Text Message Sex

2008-07-07T21:09:00.006-05:00

One of my favorite things about our marriage is how we get the giggles over the everyday things in life.Delighted Husband and I were out and about running errands when I received a text message from one of my best girlfriends. I started to type out a reply and then decided what the heck I'd just call her. When I called her I got voicemail. I was so puzzled by this. I mentioned this to Delighted Husband and he wondered out loud, "I bet they're having sex and that's why she couldn't answer the phone when you called." I giggled and said something like "well good for her". Delighted Husband said "I wonder what the text message would sound like if she actually DID send you a text message while having sex with her husband?" By this point we were fullon laughing. We imagined the text message would look something like this:iiiiii ccant taaaaaalkkkkk nnnnowwww OMG OMG OMG

Sometimes it helps if you grunt

2008-07-05T18:36:00.000-05:00

I've been working out at a gym for a while and I recently took it to the next level by having a trainer set some goals for me. Today was the first day worked out on the new goal level. It was hard. It was harrrrrrd work! Without trying to, or conciously thinking about it, I groaned while I did the last 2 reps on the weight machine. It helped. It really helped. In the split second after making that sound of pure agonized effort, two thoughts immediately raced through my mind.
1) Good Lord! That's so unladylike.
2) That really helped. I think I'll try it again the next time I'm struggling on the last rep.

Something else that helps?
I mean really helps.
I turn away from the mirrors. I need to focus on what my mind and body is doing, not keeping up the running commentary on body image. I deliberately shifted my concentration
from
sight—(what do I look like? Does my whatever look fat?)
to
touch—(am I reaching equal range of motion? Do I feel out of breath? Do I need to slow down?)

It really helped.

Y'all know I like wearing a cleaveage-and-chiffon dress as much as the next girl, but sometimes I have to give myself permission to be unladylike to get the job done.

Please pray for me. I am really going for it and I need encouragement.

The Fuel-Efficient Shagmobile

2008-07-01T14:32:00.001-05:00

I can die now. My life is complete. I have just used the word shagmobile in an article title. (cue Austin Powers) Oh beHAVE!!

After all the fun we had talking about the day Delighted Husband and I traded in our big comfy van, I thought I'd post an update or two about the new wheels.

First of all, some of you know how fond I am of long walks and bike rides out in God's Green Earth.
Now, I can transport my bike with ease. More than 1 bike if one of the kids or Delighted Husband wants to come biking with me. This is way cool.

Speaking of shagging. We weren't, but I never let that stop me before. (giggling)
As I said, field testing for the effability of the new SUV has not yet been completed.
Our accessories have just arrived.
Wooo hoo! Oh babysitter, where art thou?

Jealousy, Envy, and Why I Left the Rant

2008-06-28T09:52:00.002-05:00

I posted a rant post last night, part of my personal therapy, I suppose. A few hours later, I pulled the post, feeling like I was at the prom and had just discovered the back of my dress was tucked into my pantyhose.

But today, I put it back.

And here's why.

One of the support groups that helped me get well has this saying "sharing our encouragement strength and hope". That's why I started this blog. To tell my evolving redemption st0ry and to have a place to post my aha! moments. Like I've said before, I am redeemed, and I cannot shut up about it.

So I had said from the start that this blog would have no rants. That I would get my shit togther offline and tell y'all about it later. I made an exception last night, and I have decided to let it stand. My reason for leaving a post up that makes me look like I have my prom gown stuck in my pantyhose? Jealousy.

Jealousy?

Yeah. Let me explain. I received an email from someone I care about, a girlfriend I've known for a little over a year telling me basically "don't call me I'll call you I can't stand being around you anymore because you have everything I want and I'm so jealous I just can't stand it anymore."

I actually didn't feel angered or hurt by this. I felt a profound respect for her. Because I've been there. And mercy is contagious.

I believe there are two kinds of jealousy.

Envy-which says the only good in the world is the good I do not have therefore I will stew in resentment and misery
Desire for more-which says I really want what they have enough that I will get honest with God and another human being about my desire and I will do whatever it takes to have what I desire, one good choice at a time.

So that's why I tattled on myself. Let the rant stand. Because I wanted to show that living alive to pleasure received through the senses and committed to enjoying my man and being enjoyed by him for life sometimes isn't easy. And really, most of the time, the problem is between my two ears. My own thoughts. My own attitudes. My own choices. Something can happen that rocks my confidence, and then I open my own mouth in griping and helpless tantrum anger and make the situation oh so much worse. Which is what I did last night. Chuck Swindoll said "perfectionists are people who take pains—and then give them to other people." Sigh. Raise my right hand. Yep. Here I am exhibit A.

So what happened?

What choices did I make between my fit of woes at 10:30 last night and 9am this morning?

Well, I made a few good choices.

I got honest with God, myself and another human being.

I spilled out my wrath onto the page and asked a few of my girlfriends to read it and pray for me. God, that's what I love about online community. Someone is awake and online somewhere at 10:30pm. I even did what might seem risky or downright foolish. But when desperation trumps pride it's amazing what you'll do to get well. I called my Mom. At 10:30 at night, I called her. I knew they'd be awake, and they were. Eating popcorn and watching a movie with Beloved Child. I told her, "Mom, I screwed up and I want you to pray for me. I had sucky nonexistent boundaries and so I spent what was supposed to be dinner with my husband talking with my mother about my office which I had gone to the salon in a valiant attempt to ignore. Because I didn't want to think about work this weekend. It's totally my fault. You did nothing wrong. It's my deal. I just want to ask you to pray for me because I am really mad at myself for not speaking up. Because I know you and I know you know wives and mamas need Grandma babysitters for a reason. And if I had said "Mom I really want dinner with just my husband tonight" you would have whisked Beloved Child away and bought him a burger on the way to your house. But I didn't. And I'm really mad at myself." "Is your husband mad at you?" "NO! It's me. It's my dumb choice and it's me who's angry at me. Will you pray for me?" And she did. Then she said "you can go have fun tonight. You can forgive yourself. You can do that."

My sweet girlfriend who was awake at 10:30pm and online sent me the sweetest email that said, "Quote >>
And when I'm angry at myself in close proximity to Delighted Husband, it sounds like I'm angry at him. But I'm not. I'm angry AT myself NEAR him.
<< Quote

I hear you. I'm so sorry that the conditioned "yes" response escaped your lips! BTDT. I feel your pain tonight, I really do. You'll do better next time!!!"

It meant the WORLD to me. I began to feel like "Hey Miss Girl. Snap out of it. Forgive yourself. Your unforgiveness toward yourself is hurting your husband. Get off the cross! Somebody needs the wood!"

I walked over to the microwave where I have this little quote from The Message. "Bridle your wrath, cool your pipes. It only makes things worse."

So I crept back to bed. Snuggled up to Delighted Husband and whispered an apology into his shoulder blade. "Did you really have a tantrum and talk all mean and angry, honey? I thought it was just a bad dream."
Ack!
Thus began a second helping of humble pie. My sincere apology. I began to pet and stroke his hair. And with every happy murmur he made, I felt my tension release. I forgave myself my little boundary boo-boo. I forgave myself for my fit of anger towards myself. I can be so mean to myself. And it makes me so mean to the people who love me. Shit rolls downhill.

Why am I telling y'all this?

Because I want you to know that the love I have with Delighted Husband is real. And sometimes hard work. And anything good I have. Anything good I have to share with y'all is mine because of the grace of God, the love and support of some healthy loving friendships, and my one good choice at a time.

Don't be jealous of my life.
Go build your own. One good choice at a time.
I'm just a regular girl who has made a series of good choices and has been humble enough to backtrack my bad choices and let myself be loved in spite of them.
Nobody (besides yourself) will be happier for you than me. Because I will know how much it cost you. And I will celebrate you and respect you so much. Every little victory matters so much.

Lordy! I hope this comes out right. I'm afraid it might sound uppity, but there I am with my prom dress tucked into my pantyhose and there's nothing haughty about that! (smile shaking head rolling my eyes) What I am trying to say is I love y'all, and I want you to be well. Almost as much as I want my self to be well. And I've recieved so much love from this online community. So much support for my halting steps toward good choices. I feel it's the least I can do to tattle on myself and let you know how your love and prayers have made such a difference in my life and marriage.

If this made any sense to you whatever, please have mercy on me and let me know. A girl likes to think she didn't bare her pantyhose for nothin! (laugh)
Love,
SW

Touch-Beauty-Love

2008-06-28T08:55:00.001-05:00

I had the hardest time thinking of a title for this one so I'll just tell my story and see if a title presents itself.

I sang on the way home from work today. Happy songs. Thrumming beat that felt like joy. I sang angel of harlem and i sang it just for a friend of mine who I know loves this song. Zooming down the freeway, I moved my arms like a forties USO torch singer and enjoyed myself so much.

As soon as I got home, I ran in the house to kiss Delighted Husband and then dashed off to my neighborhood salon. I love the lady who owns the salon and she loves me back. Which is why I felt comfortable dashing in unannounced and asking for an impromptu do. "Five minutes, no problem" she said.

I sat down in her chair, swigged my icy cold bottled water, savored my atkins almond joy, and waited. Within five minutes, I felt her comb sliding along my scalp, giving her a good look at just how long it had been since I'd taken my sweet self in for scheduled maintenance. It had been too long. But life happens. "He-looo. You no been here long time. I so happy see you. You want same? Same roots? Same highlights?" "Yes, darlin'," I told her, "same is great. same is perfect. give me same."

She knows I am hot-natured, and I had been dashing into my house and out of my house, pausing just long enough to kiss Delighted Husband hello, kiss Delighted Husband goodbye, and change out of my fancy work duds into some running shorts and a t-shirt that I wear to the salon because I wouldn't care if they got hair color gel on them. She'd seen me literally jog into her salon and ask her if she could do me, so she knew I was hot. My sweet hair lady, brought a fan over to my station, a nice tall pedestal fan that swishes back and forth, planted it right in front of my chair, aimed it at my flushed and sweating-at-the-temples face, and turned the fan on high. Maker of Heaven and Earth, did that feel good! "Thank you sweetheart!" I looked at her with a smile that reached my eyes.

She ran back "behind the curtain" which could be a post unto itself. It's so Wizard of Oz how the Sacred Prophets Of Hair dissapear Behind The Curtain into The Sacred Unseen Place and come back bearing the Sacred Oils Of Transforming Power and Beauty. Looking at it like a sociologist, I feel like I woke up in the Egyptian exhibit at a museum. And who wouldn't want to feel like that?

I was touched by what came next. Happy and wired and rushed as I was, having just dashed in from the 95 degree outside world, I was hyperaware of my skin, my hair and my overall awareness of touch. Which is why the Sacred Oils of Transforming Power and Beauty, which for me were a cold white gelpaste that she paints on the roots of my hair. Oh my God, y'all it felt SO GOOD. My sweet hair lady brushed cold paste all over my scalp.

the power of intent. I felt how much love and care was in her touch. You can tell.

Remember that "kids say the wisest things" email that circulated a few years ago where the little 8 year old girl says, "never let your mom brush your hair when she is mad at your dad". Remember that? Well, the exact opposite is true. When my Sweet Hair Lady works on my hair, I can tell that she cares. Not just cares about doing a good job but cares about me. She enjoys watching me feel better.

Delighted Husband and Beloved Child are hungry. And we can't go to dinner till my hair is done and I get home to pick them up, so I tell Sweet Hair Lady this and ask her for a second dryer and round brush so I can help. I dry and style the front of my hair, SHL dries and styles the back. We look like a sitcom. Two laughing girls trying to hurry my hair dry as soon as possible.

By the time she is done, I feel like the belle of the ball. Sweet Hair Lady's mother, who also works at the salon, speaks very little English. But her smile is genuine. "You look like movie star!". I smile back and toss my head. "I feel like movie star!" I say. I leave them an extra big tip and rush out the door.